"I'm sorry I didn't call last night, luv."
Spike's apology made Buffy's heart flip, but she tried to play it off. "It's no big. I know you've got a life and all."
"Not much of one, really," Spike muttered.
"Well, I guess not if you can spend most of your nights talking to your ex."
"Buffy, why did we break up?"
Buffy started, his question throwing her completely off guard. "I… Spike, I told you why I ended things."
On the other end of the line, Spike sighed heavily. "That wasn't really what I meant. I'm not even sure there's a real answer. It's just… We were so bloody happy, Buffy. I know we were. And then things…it all fell apart."
"I know. It was all so quick." Buffy took a deep breath, then slowly let it out, the air hitching a bit as she did. "Spike? Did I…was I doing something wrong? In the relationship, I mean."
Spike didn't say anything for a moment, and Buffy felt her heart drop. She'd spent more time than was probably healthy over the past three years worrying about what she'd done to help build the wedge that had formed between them. She could still remember their argument the morning after she came back from Sunnydale and Spike's assertion she made it everything all about her. She'd never been able to figure out what he meant by that, and the question continued to plague her.
"You didn't do anything exactly wrong, Buffy."
Well, she couldn't label his answer as a categorical denial. "But I wasn't doing something right. You told me once I made it all about me—what did you mean when you said that?"
Spike sighed again. "I don't really want to talk about this."
"You're the one who brought it up," Buffy replied. "You're the one who asked where we went wrong. Well, I want to know, too."
Spike was silent on his end of the line, but Buffy decided she wasn't going to let this go. Like Spike, she didn't really want to talk about any of this, but it was something that had bothered her now for years. Maybe if she could finally understand it, she could put it all behind her.
"Spike, please, just tell me what you meant."
"I wasn't always sure you loved me."
Buffy froze, his response not at all what she'd expected, yet something she'd feared enough not to be completely surprised. She'd worried time and time again that she wasn't showing Spike enough love, and she guessed now she'd been right about it.
"No, that isn't really true," Spike said, bringing him Buffy's full attention again. "I knew you loved me, Buffy. I guess it was more I wasn't always certain how much you really liked me. I knew you needed me, or the support I could provide at least, but… God, even thinking this makes me feel like a selfish git."
"No, Spike, it's okay. Just tell me, please?" Buffy prodded.
"I wanted to support you, Buffy—I did. I liked being the one who could be there for you, but sometimes, well, I needed a little support, too."
Buffy knew she'd asked for his honesty, but it was difficult to take all the same. "I didn't support you?" she asked in a small voice.
"You had your own troubles, pet. I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with mine, too."
"Spike, I…I didn't know."
"You never asked."
"You never told me!"
"It's not like it wasn't bloody obvious! Whenever I saw you in pain, I came to you, tried to help, held you. You never even seemed to care when it was me. You never offered me support, Buffy."
"I moved all the way out to California for you!"
"And then what? Did you care what I was doing all day, what was going on with the album? Did you even notice how much pressure I was under? And even beyond that, did you show any interest in what I was doing? I know your mother was sick, and I'm not begrudging you that, but even when you were home you didn't care one way or another about how anything was going in my life."
"That isn't true! I didn't want to bother you, Spike. I didn't want to be the girlfriend who always got in the way. But I supported you. I did. All I wanted was for you to be successful, and I didn't think you could be that with me always hovering by your side!"
"But I wanted you by my side. I wanted you by my side for everything! Nothing mattered to me unless I had you there, and then you left and took everything away from me!"
Spike had begun genuinely yelling, yet his last accusation faded into silence. Buffy was stunned. She'd never thought of herself as unsupportive, though now she realized Spike had a point.
"I didn't mean to be that way," she said softly. "I thought I was doing what I was supposed to." Tears filled her eyes, and she let them fall, knowing there wasn't any way for her to stop them. "I'm so sorry, Spike. I had no idea you were feeling that way. I don't know how to be like you. I don't know how to be everything for someone else. I was trying, I swear I was, and if I'd known you were feeling that way… God, Spike, if I'd known…"
"Don't cry now, luv. It still breaks my heart when you cry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put all of that on you."
"No, you should have. I needed to know what you were feeling back then. But believe me when I say I never meant to make you feel that way. I loved you so much. I never wanted to hurt you, and I never wanted you to feel like you were anything but important to me."
"I know. They're probably just my own issues." Spike let out a deep breath. "Look, it's late, and I shouldn't be keeping you up like this all the time. I'm sorry. Good night, Buffy."
"Spike, wait, I…"
Before she could finish her sentence, the dial tone started in her ear, and Buffy turned off the phone with a sigh. She'd wanted her answer, and now she had it—and a lot to think about as well.
The following afternoon, Buffy stood outside of Robin's office, urging her nerves to stop their jumping. As much as she wanted to be avoid-o girl where this was concerned, she knew what she had to do.
She liked Robin, but she knew nothing was going to happen between them, at least in the immediate future. He had told her he didn't mind waiting for as long as it took her to be ready, but Buffy had no idea how long that would be—if ever. It wasn't fair of her to make him keep waiting, however willing to do so he may claim to be. It was time for her to do the mature thing and cut him loose.
The bottom line was simple—her heart wasn't free. Her recent conversations with Spike were making that increasingly obvious.
She still didn't know what—if anything—would come of what was happening between her and Spike, but things were too confusing for her to try to sort all of that out and have a relationship with someone else, too.
Her nerves finally settled enough, Buffy knocked on the door and waited for Robin to call to her to come in.
"Buffy," Robin said as she walked in and shut the door behind her. "I thought you'd already gone home for the day." Then, he caught the look on her face and frowned. "And why do I suddenly get the feeling this is a bad thing?"
"I can't see you anymore. In a non-professional capacity anyway," Buffy said, getting right to the point. She had no desire to drag this out.
"I thought you might be about to tell me that," Robin replied as he got up and walked around to the front of his desk. "Are you at least going to give me a reason?"
"I just can't do this right now," Buffy explained. "My emotions are all in a jumble, and I know you said you'd wait for me to sort them out, but I don't know when that's going to be, and in the meantime, I'm not even sure that's something I can do while I'm trying to build a relationship with you. I'm sorry."
"Just answer me one thing."
"I'll try," Buffy replied, doing her best to mask her nervousness. Robin's face was impassive, making it impossible for her to gauge how exactly he was taking this.
"Does this have anything to do with Spike?"
Buffy took a deep breath. How could she answer that question?
She decided to go with the truth.
"Yes, but I'm not seeing him or anything like that. We've just been talking—on the phone—since the party, and it's stirred up a lot of old stuff. Spike and I had a really ugly, really sudden break-up, and talking to him again has just underscored how much I never truly healed from it all."
"So now you need time to heal?"
Buffy nodded. "Can you be okay with that?"
Robin nodded back. "I can. I really like you, Buffy, but if you feel like you can't be in this relationship, then I'm not going to try to push you. And I do appreciate your honesty."
"I didn't want to lie to you or string you along," Buffy replied.
"Thank you for that."
Buffy took a step back towards the door. "I'm just going to go then, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." Robin waited until Buffy was almost out the door before he called to her. "Buffy?"
She turned. "Yes?"
"Do you think there could ever be a chance for us in the future?"
"I really don't know the answer to that right now. I'm sorry."
Robin was still for a moment, then he nodded. "It's okay. I understand. I'll see you Monday, Buffy—in a professional capacity, of course."
Buffy was already dreading the awkwardness… "All right. Have a good weekend, Robin."
"You, too."
Buffy hurried out of his office and down the hall before he could call her back again.
Buffy's mind was in a tizzy. Breaking it off with Robin had been the right thing to do she knew, but at the same time, she couldn't help but wonder what it was going to mean now for their working relationship. And then there was her conversation with Spike the night before… To say it was an eye-opener would've been a severe understatement.
Never had she thought of herself as being unsupportive of Spike. If anything, she'd thought she'd been very supportive. How many women encouraged their boyfriends to stay in a bar band instead of getting a real job, even when they had a hard time making ends meet? How many would've dropped out of school and traveled all the way across the country just to make sure all those nights in a bar band had paid off?
Music had been important to Spike for as long as she'd known him, and Buffy had done everything she could to help him achieve his goals. She'd even forced herself to end the relationship in order to make sure she wouldn't keep him from achieving the stardom he deserved.
Yet now it seemed that hadn't been the sort of support he'd wanted from her at all. Even with knowing why she'd truly left, Spike didn't think she should've done it. He had fame now, yet he still seemed to think she'd meant more to him than any of it. So what had he wanted from her? What had it been that she'd been unable to give him? She knew there was truth in what Spike was saying. In a way, she'd felt it even then, though she hadn't been able to face it, but she still couldn't figure out exactly what she should've done differently.
Would it have been enough to spend more time at the studio? Should she have just asked him about his day more? Asked him how he was feeling? Could things as small as that have set the course of their relationship back on track before it had become a complete wreck?
She couldn't keep telling herself she'd done the right thing by leaving. Part of her had always known that was a lie, but now, the lie was too hollow to offer her any comfort. But what would have been the right thing?
It was a question that had plagued all day her as she kept reliving moments from their relationship in her head, coming up with ways she could've done things better, made Spike feel as supported and loved as he'd always made her feel. So many things could've been done differently, and they were weighing on her all now.
Buffy had started thinking maybe a long, hot bath was in order when she heard a knock at her door. She frowned, knowing she hadn't been expecting company, and wondered if maybe Dawn had forgotten her keys again.
However, a quick look through the peephole let her know it wasn't Dawn, and dread began to curl in Buffy's stomach. The person standing outside her door now was the last one she'd ever expected to see there, and she knew without a doubt nothing good could come from this.
Because standing outside her door, was Eve Hart.
A few people seem to think Buffy and Spike have been taking too long in this part of the fic to get back together. I know it's probably seemed like a long time since I posted the first chapter following the three year gap in the story about a month ago, but please bear in mind that for Buffy and Spike, it's been less than a week. The party where they saw each other again was on Saturday—this is now Friday afternoon. Honestly, given that time frame, they're moving very quickly. Buffy's worked every day since the party except Sunday, and Spike's been busy promoting the new album, yet they've still found the time to talk to each other for three out of the past four days. Also, Spike still being involved with Eve does not mean he doesn't know he loves Buffy more or that he just wants to keep someone around to sleep with (I was honestly quite surprised to see someone actually suggest that, seeing as the last chapter should've made it quite clear that he doesn't want that from Eve). It just wouldn't have been very realistic for him to immediately turn around and break things off with his girlfriend, especially considering he's still trying to get over his anger towards Buffy in light of recent revelations.
Furthermore, Spike is not in love with Eve, yet he's been trying to move on because he thought he couldn't have Buffy—something I really don't think he should be faulted for. It doesn't weaken what he feels for Buffy because he started dating again—after all, he saw what Buffy did as callously ripping his heart out. It took him a couple of years to even consider dating someone seriously, and his relationship with Eve hasn't been particularly long either—they've been together for six months, and for three of those, she was out of the country. No, Spike does not know just how much of a bitch Eve can be; she did everything she could to charm him so she could get what she wanted. He's not being shallow and only paying attention to his sex drive—he made a bad relationship choice, and was fooled by someone pretending to be something she's not, which can happen to the best of us.
I know a few of you are getting frustrated with both of these issues, but please, try to keep in mind the time frame as well as look at Spike's decision not to immediately ditch Eve rationally. Of course we all want Spike and Buffy to get back together, but when it happens (and it will very soon, I promise!), I want it to be in a way that's satisfactory and allows them to stay together—not a quick fix that ignores all the problems that broke them up in the first place.
Please review!