"I…" Buffy stopped for a moment, regaining control of herself. "What was that all about, Spike?"
"I don't know," Spike said as he started pacing in front of the still-open door. "I just saw you, and…it seemed like the thing to do."
Buffy knew Spike well enough to know he was upset about something. She still didn't know what to make of that kiss, but she did know the best way to figure it out was to take things slow for the moment.
"Why don't you go sit on the couch, okay?
Spike said nothing, only did as Buffy suggested and sat down on the couch. Buffy closed and locked the door before she joined him.
"What's going on?" she asked gently, unable to stop herself from resting her hand against his arm. He obviously needed comfort, and touch had always been the best way to give it to him.
"You were right about Eve." Spike looked upwards and laughed, though there was no joy in the sound. "God, I feel like such an idiot."
"It's not your fault, Spike," Buffy said as she caressed the top of his arm through the cotton of his shirt.
"Yeah, it is. I should've learned by now. I shouldn't have been foolish enough to think this time was going to be any different."
"What do you mean by that?"
Spike sighed at her question. "I don't want to get into this with you."
"Then why are you here?"
"I don't bloody know. Maybe I shouldn't be." Spike started to get up, but Buffy grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back down before he could leave.
"No. You had to have come here for some reason, so don't run out on me now."
Spike fell back against the couch with another sigh. "I don't know, Buffy. I just went over to Eve's, got into it with her, and then when I left, I wanted to see you." He pointed towards the front door. "And don't ask me what happened over there when I came in, 'cause I don't know."
"Can you at least tell me what you meant when you said you should've known it wouldn't be different with Eve, because I think you could give me an answer to that."
He didn't respond for a moment, then finally he said, "Fine. You want to know what I meant, I'll tell you. Every bloody time I get into a relationship, I know the woman's never really going to love me. Not enough to stay anyway. But every sodding time I delude myself into thinking it's actually going to be different."
"I loved you," Buffy said softly.
Spike scoffed. "You loved me… You left me. Things got rough, you found yourself a convenient excuse, and you bailed. Gave me a nice lit' pity fuck and sent me on my merry way."
Buffy's jaw dropped. "Is that what you really think? That wasn't what it was at all, Spike. And for the record, that was not a 'pity fuck.'"
"Then what the hell was it if it wasn't a quickie to soften the blow, huh?"
"It wasn't that! It wasn't even for you. It was for me. I didn't plan on it, but then you came home, and I saw you, and I couldn't stand the thought of never touching you again. And maybe it was selfish, but I knew I was saying good-bye, and already it made my arms ache knowing you weren't going to be in them anymore." Buffy wiped at the tears on her cheeks.
"I loved you, Spike, more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I felt like I had to."
"Yeah, well, you didn't," Spike snapped.
"I know." Buffy looked down at her hands, now resting in her lap. "It's a mistake I've had to live with every day for three years."
At her admission, anything Spike had been prepared to say died in his throat. "You know it was a mistake?" he asked, sounding suddenly vulnerable.
"Of course I do! Look at us, Spike. Neither one of us is exactly happy, and it's because of something I did." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "I'm just not sure it's a mistake that can be fixed."
Spike swallowed before he admitted, "Neither am I."
Silence filled the living room for a long while, neither of them sure of what to say or able to look at the other. Buffy knew what her heart wanted, but her mind knew that was probably less real life and more fairy tale—and her life had never been one of those.
When the silence became too much, she finally asked in a small voice, "Where do we go from here?"
Spike answered her question honestly. "I don't know. I still love you, Buffy. I probably always will. But I'm not sure we could move forward with a relationship after the way things ended and with how much time has passed since then."
"I know. Me, too."
Spike regarded her for a moment, studying her face. "Do you still love me?"
Her response came without hesitation: "Yes." Though almost as soon as she had spoken, she gave a resigned sigh. "But like you said, I'm not sure there's any real way to move forward from here."
A beat passed between them before Spike said, "So, friends then?"
Buffy knew as well as he did that trying to make what was between them into a friendship would never be enough, but she also knew it was that or nothing, and she couldn't take nothing anymore. Maybe this way there would no longer be a wedge in the middle of their blended family at least.
"Friends," she agreed.
Spike got to his feet, and this time, Buffy didn't stop him. "I should get going," he said.
"Are you going to call tonight?" Buffy asked.
Spike shook his head. "I don't think so."
"Oh. Okay."
Spike saw the disappointment on her face. "I'll call you again, pet. I just need a little time to think, is all."
Buffy gave a small smile. It was the first time he'd called her anything but her actual name since he'd come over that evening, and that alone was enough to make her feel a little better.
"I will call you," Spike promised before he started towards the door. He stopped before leaving, however, and turned back around to look at her. "Thank you for telling me what Eve said."
"I wasn't trying to sabotage your relationship or anything like that," Buffy told him. "I just couldn't stand the thought of her using you like that."
"I know. And I appreciate it." Spike gave her a small nod. "Have a good night, Buffy."
"You, too, Spike."
With that, he was gone, and Buffy couldn't stop herself from crying again as soon as the door was shut.
Once she'd finally stopped crying, Buffy began to pace the living room. The last few days had left her feeling drained, and she didn't know which end was up anymore.
She stopped in mid-pace when she heard yet another knock at the door, and her stomach filled with dread. Was it Eve, coming to screech at her for calling Spike? Buffy really didn't think she could handle that on top of everything else right now…
Still, she answered the door, deciding she would face whatever was on the other side.
As soon as the door was open, Spike stepped into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. He turned to Buffy, a worried look in his eyes, and announced, "I want a drink. Or, really several of them."
Buffy's eyebrow arched. "Well, I'm not giving you one."
"I know. That's why I'm here. My counselor back in rehab used to tell me if I was alone and felt like I needed a drink, to find someone who would encourage me otherwise to stay with me until the feeling passed."
"And I'm guessing tonight you picked me?"
Spike nodded in response. "I know I only made with dramatic exit about an hour ago, but… Are you going to throw me out?"
"No," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "I couldn't do that to you, Spike. Stay here as long as you need to." She closed and locked the door, then led him over to the sofa. "Do you want anything other than alcoholic beverages?"
"Water?" Spike requested.
"Coming right up." Buffy went into the kitchen and fixed a glass of water, then brought it to Spike who was now seated on her couch. She sat on the other end, her feet tucked under her, as Spike took a drink.
"Do you need to talk about things?" Buffy asked, her tone instinctively falling into the one she used as a counselor.
Spike looked at her, his head cocked to the side. "I guess you're certified to do that now, huh?"
"Yeah, I am." She offered him a small smile. "But I swear, I won't charge you a dime."
"Not sure you're the best for an impartial ear, though."
"No," Buffy replied with a shake of her head. "Probably not."
Spike set his water down on the coffee table, and Buffy noted with approval he actually used a coaster. Apparently he had picked up a few more things since when they'd been together.
"Things just went and got all stressful for me again," Spike said, the fingers of his left hand drumming against his leg. "The new album's about to be released, so pressure there. And now this whole bloody mess with Eve. The sodding press is going to be all over it, and I'm really not looking forward to the fallout, especially with it timed so closely to the album release."
Buffy reached out and placed her hand over his, stilling it. She'd seen him like this so many times before, and despite knowing it meant he was upset, something about it warmed her heart. The man sitting with her now was the Spike she remembered. His walls were down around her again, and it gave her a twinge of hope.
Although hope for what, she couldn't really say.
At her touch, Spike sighed, calming slightly. "I'm sorry to just barge in on you like this. If you want me to leave, I'll find somewhere else to go."
"No, I'm not sending you out. Not when you're like this. Your counselor was right; you do need to not be alone right now. And you're not imposing, nor am I just putting up with you when I really don't want you around. I'm happy you came to me with this."
He relaxed more then and gave her a smile, which Buffy immediately returned. "Thank you, pet."
"It's not a problem. So tell me what you need me to do to help you right now," Buffy replied.
"Just talk to me, take my mind of things. Tell me about your day. Anything interesting happen? Well, other than Eve bursting in here and being a twit, and I guess that was a dumb question…"
Buffy smirked. There was something else interesting that had happened to her today—or at least something she thought Spike would probably find interesting. Maybe it would even cheer him up.
She realized with a start, she really wanted this to cheer him up. Because that would mean… Well, it would mean something.
Buffy shrugged. "It was a normal day. Talked to a bunch of kids, broke up with Robin. Pretty standard really."
Immediately, Spike's eyes lit up, and he leaned forward. "Wait, did you just say you broke up with the bulky principal?"
"Yeah, I did. It wasn't really working out."
"That's great news, luv." He coughed, then sobered. "Uh, I mean…I'm sorry?"
Buffy playfully slapped his arm. "You're such a dork. And I'm fine with it. We hadn't really gotten that serious anyway."
"So no after-hours…" Spike stopped and waggled his eyebrows.
"No, you perv," Buffy replied, rolling her eyes. She paused and looked down. "Actually, I haven't done that with anyone since…" She trailed off, unable to hide her blush.
Spike's eyes widened. "No one since…since me?"
"Yes," Buffy admitted quietly, wondering what in the world had possessed her to admit that.
"Wow. So you've got to be pretty…"
Buffy looked up sharply and held out her hand. "Don't you dare finish that sentence."
Spike raised his own hands in defense. "Consider the sentence unfinished." Only a moment later though, he dropped his hands and asked, "Really? That's like three years. What, did I ruin you for all other men?"
Buffy scoffed nervously. "No."
"Liar. I so did."
"Anyone ever told you you're incredibly arrogant?"
"Most everyone who's been around me for more than five minutes, actually," Spike responded with a cocky grin.
Buffy rolled her eyes dramatically, though in truth, she was enjoying herself. At the moment—aside from the fact that their topic of conversation was her prolonged bout of celibacy—she could almost pretend things were back the way they used to be. This sort of playful teasing had been a staple of their life together in the past.
"Feels a bit like old times right now," Spike said, mirroring Buffy's thoughts.
"Yeah, it does," she answered.
The mood between them sobered again, and after a few moments, Spike said, "I've really missed just having you around. The sex was always bloody incredible, and I'd be lying if I said I haven't longed for a bit of that now and then, but I think what I missed the most was times like these. You're smart, and you're funny, and you're quick with the snappy banter. Always traits I've admired in a woman."
"I missed this, too." Buffy cleared her throat. "And you really missed the sex?"
"Well, yeah. Best sex of my life, and all."
"Really? So I'm better than Eve?" Buffy asked, perking up.
Spike smirked. "God, yes." His expression grew serious, and he met Buffy's eyes before reaching up to place his palm against her cheek. "You were so…raw. I'd never felt anything like it before."
"Spike…" Buffy whispered, unable to keep herself from trembling at his touch.
Yet as quickly as it begun, the moment ended, as Spike dropped his hand and shook his head. "So yeah… Um, maybe we should watch a movie or something."
Buffy held in her sigh of frustration. It probably was a good idea for them not to go at it right there on her couch, but he looked so damn good and it had been three years…
No, Buffy, she reminded herself. Gotta think rationally about this. It'll just be awkward afterwards…
"Right, movie sounds good. Come help me pick one out."
Spike followed her over to her DVD collection without another word.
As the movie had progressed, Buffy and Spike had moved steadily closer to each other until she was resting with her head on her shoulder and his arm wrapped around her.
Not long after that, she fell asleep.
The DVD had already ended and the player had already shut itself off. Yet still, Spike sat with Buffy in his arms, reluctant to move. It had been so long since he'd gotten to hold her like this, since he'd gotten to watch her sleep. She was almost exactly how he remembered her, save the difference in her hair color, and it made him long even more for the days when she'd been his.
Tonight had made him feel like maybe they could go back to the way things had been, but it had only been one night, and he couldn't take a chance like that again. For all he knew, things would go back to how they had been in the morning. If Buffy was anything like she used to be, opening up to him the way she had could very well send her running back into her shell.
Reason enough for him to dread the sunrise.
He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay in this moment, where he could pretend they were who they used to be. This apartment had once been their apartment, and if he tried hard enough, he could make-believe the past three years were just a nightmare.
But they had happened, and he couldn't make what had come between them simply magically go away. Buffy had left him, and in doing so, had left a deep wound on his heart. He knew he still loved her as much as he ever had, but could he trust her enough to start over?
With a sigh, Spike stood, his heart aching at Buffy's sleepy mew of protest. He couldn't leave her there, so he picked her up and carried her into her bedroom.
It had once been their bedroom…
It hadn't changed much, and Spike recognized the bed as the one they'd once shared. It was the same bed where they'd made love for the first time.
And the last…
He laid her out on the bed, pulling the sheet up to cover her sleeping form. His body ached with the desire to join her, to curl up in the place that had once given him such comfort.
He knew he needed to leave, but his heart was screaming at him to stay. He realized as he watched her that he didn't have a key to the apartment, and would need to wake her in order to get her to lock the door behind him.
But she looked so peaceful sleeping, and he hated to do that. She was bound to have had a long week, and she needed her rest. And he couldn't rightly leave her alone in an unlocked apartment in Los Angeles. That was dangerous.
So he'd stay, at least until Dawn came home. He remembered her saying something earlier in the week about having to work, as she'd had some party she rather would've gone to, but had opted for the responsible choice. He'd leave when she got there.
In the meantime, was it really that big of a deal to rest just for a little while? Odds were, Buffy would stay asleep and wouldn't even know. And surely Dawn coming in would wake him up, so he could get up then, claim he'd just brought Buffy in to bed, and no one would be the wiser.
Spike got into the bed and pulled Buffy into his arms, falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.
When I was reading back over my rough drafts, I discovered I had somehow ended up with two Fridays. I suppose if you're going to have two of any day of the week, that's a good one to have, but seeing as they're not on the actual Hellmouth here, I had to fix it. Because of that, some scenes got changed around and edited, and I ended up with these scenes in this chapter as sort of the leftovers after some middle stuff was moved. Together, they were longer than I usually make my chapters, but apart, they were shorter. So I could either post them separately as two short chapters (one today and one Thursday) or smoosh them into one chapter. I opted for the one long chapter. I hope no one's terribly upset by this or anything. lol Hopefully, they flow the way I have them, and everyone enjoyed the read.
Please take a moment to review!