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Buffy didn't know when sleeping next to Spike had become a habit, didn't know when it had become simply an assumption that he would share her bed at night. He'd climb in beside her without a word spoken between them, and she'd let herself be drawn into his arms. If he was out playing with the band when she went to bed, she could only manage at best an uneasy sleep—until he joined her again. Then she could sleep soundly, the tears and nightmares melting away in his soothing embrace.

She wasn't sure when it had started, but she knew when she noticed it. Buffy woke one work-free Sunday afternoon to find Spike watching her. One of her legs was thrown over his hip, and his arm was casually draped around her waist. She realized that despite the intimacy of their position, it was familiar. She was wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and panties—which were showing as the t-shirt rode up the leg draped over him. He was wearing an old pair of sweatpants, his chest bare and pressed against her. He hadn't styled his hair since the time he'd showered, and the curls were free, softening his usual bad boy look. Still, she was comfortable here with him like this, and that made her realize how normal this had become.

Buffy wasn't sure how long he'd been awake, but she got the feeling it had been a while. Suddenly, she became aware of how exactly she was pressed up against him—and what effect it was having on him. Her heart started to beat faster, loud enough to drown out any warnings in the back of her mind that she shouldn't let him be this close.

Spike reached out slowly until the tips of his fingers were barely resting on her cheek. Buffy shivered at his ghost of a touch. She looked into his eyes and realized that she couldn't have moved away, even if she wanted to. The intensity of his gaze had her locked in place. When she didn't pull back, Spike trailed his fingers up her cheek, then up to run them through her hair. Buffy's breathing became more labored, her heart now hammering in her chest. She felt fear warring with her desire, but she was frozen.

Then, he spoke for the first time that morning. "I'm going to kiss you, Buffy."

There it was. Her out. He paused after he spoke, giving her ample time to get away if she wanted. She didn't. She stayed in place even as he moved closer, his breath mingling with hers as his lips fell to hers. The kiss was gentle at first, exploratory, but soon it grew in passion until their tongues were dueling, allowing them to taste each other. Buffy wrapped her arms tightly around him, needing something to ground her as the world spun around her. She didn't remember the last time she'd been kissed like this.

She didn't think she'd ever been kissed like this…

And then it hit her. She was doing what she'd sworn she wasn't going to do. It wasn't safe. She couldn't take this chance. She'd been down this road before, and she knew where it led. She pushed him away.

Spike blinked, taken aback at the sudden violence as Buffy fought to get away from him. He let her go.

Buffy ran into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. She grabbed on to the edge of the counter, breathing quickly and sporadically. How had she let this happen? If she thought about it, she barely even knew Spike. He'd been in her life—in her home—for about a month. He'd been in her bed for a couple of weeks, and Buffy knew now she'd let him get too close. She wouldn't let anyone in like that, not after all that had happened.

She reached up, fingers grazing against the ring she wore on the chain around her neck. She'd opened up to someone before, let him into her life, her body, her soul. In the end, it had almost broken her. She wouldn't go through it again, wouldn't allow herself to fall for someone like that. She couldn't take another heartache. As it was, she was barely hanging on. She did her best to present herself as strong to the world, but she knew that when she'd broken, she hadn't been able to put the pieces back together they way they'd been before. There were still cracks.

Her hand went from the Claddagh to her lips. They still tingled from the kiss she'd shared with Spike. From the first touch, she'd felt a spark shoot through her, electrifying her, making her feel alive. But as wonderful as it had felt for that brief moment, it had scared her, too. It was too familiar, too much like when she'd let herself fall before. She'd learned that with a fire that hot, all you got was burned.

She shook her head, forcing back tears. She wouldn't do it, wouldn't risk it. She'd do whatever it took to keep herself safe.

She had to.

*** *** ***

Spike lay on the bed, stunned by what had just happened. He hadn't planned on kissing Buffy, but she'd seemed receptive, and he'd made the decision to act on the desire he'd felt since the first time he saw her five years ago. For a few glorious moments, he'd had her, felt her in his arms. Then suddenly, she'd taken it all away. Without a word, she'd changed completely, running way from him as if his touch was the last thing in the world she could ever want.

He heard the shower turn on and stood up, angrily untangling the sheets from around his legs when they tried to trip him up and throwing them in a wad on the bed. He'd had his fill of her closed off behavior. She would let him in for a moment—turn to him for support—then shut herself off again. He'd tolerated it for a while now, but his patience was wearing thin. She was either going to let him in or she wasn't. He needed her to make up her mind.

When Buffy finally came out of the bathroom, Spike walked into the living room, stalking towards her. "We need to talk."

Buffy's eyes widened, and she tightened her robe around her. "No, we don't. There's nothing to talk about."

"We kissed, Buffy."

"It was a mistake."

Spike's jaw ticked, and Buffy could tell he was fighting the urge to yell at her. "Didn't feel like a mistake."

"Maybe for you." Buffy brushed past him, going into the bedroom to get dressed.

Spike didn't let it end there. He followed her, ignoring her indignant glare. "You can't just shut me out, Buffy."

"I'm not!"

"Yes, you are! You ran off, and now you won't talk to me at all!"

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "Fine. We'll talk. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come from us making with the smoochies."

Spike moved closer to her, like an animal stalking its prey. "Felt pretty good to me," he said, his voice a low rumble.

Buffy almost forgot why she was pushing him away, but she quickly regained her senses. "No… It's not a good idea, Spike. Not good at all."

Spike crossed his arms in front of him. "Convince me."

Buffy sighed, wishing he wouldn't make this so difficult. "What if things don't work out?"

"What?"

"We're roommates, Spike. What if we start this, and things go wrong? It would be awkward."

"If that happened, we'd find a way to deal."

"Our parents are married," Buffy said, her tone making it obviously that she was simply trying to come up with whatever she could think of to "convince" Spike. "That would be majorly weird."

"You're not my sister. I've never thought of you like that. I really don't care who my father is married to, and honestly, I don't think you do either."

"I do! Us together is just wrong!"

"Do you think of me as your brother?"

Buffy was silent for a moment as she contemplated how to answer. If she said yes, he might let this all drop. She could be free from her feelings. But she couldn't bring herself to say it. Even the thought of pretending that was the truth disturbed her. "Look, I said I didn't want this. Just let that be enough and stop harassing me about it."

"Buffy…"

"Leave me alone, Spike. Just leave me alone."

Spike moved away from her. "Fine." He left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Buffy sat down on the bed. Why couldn't he just let things be like they were? Why did he have to complicate it with wanting more?

Buffy frowned. She knew the answer to that question. He was feeling the same thing she was. But he didn't realize what a mistake it would be. She did. She couldn't let it happen. She got up and dressed.

As soon as she was presentable, she went to the door, her hand stopping before she turned the knob. Could she honestly go out there now and pretend like everything was okay? She went back to her bed, sitting against the pillows.

It didn't take her long to get bored. She picked up a book she was reading for class, but she couldn't concentrate on the words, not with him so close. Frustrated, she threw the book down and put on her shoes.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy stepped out into the living room. Spike was sitting on the couch, an open beer bottle resting between his legs. "I'm going to the library," Buffy announced.

"I don't care where you go, Buffy."

As much as Buffy hated to admit it, his words and his refusal to look at her hurt. "Fine. See you later."

"Whatever."

Buffy grabbed her things off the table and left the apartment.

*** *** ***

Buffy couldn't find any solace in the library either. It was too quiet, nothing to distract her from her thoughts. She kept replaying the kiss with Spike over and over, unable to force it to the back of her mind. But she couldn't let herself go there. It would be dangerous.

"Is this seat taken?"

Buffy looked up to see Riley standing on the other side of the small study table. "Uh, no. Have a seat."

Riley gave her a grin that reminded her a little of a boy scout. "Thanks. So, um, what brings you to the library?"

"Books."

"Yeah, they have them here." Riley winced. "That was lame, I know."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "Just a little."

"Hey, you want to get some coffee? I know you said you weren't interested in dating before, and I'm not trying to push you into that, so don't worry. You just look like you could use some coffee."

Buffy thought about it for a moment. She could use some coffee. Preferably of the Irish variety, but she doubted that was what Riley was offering. And Riley…he was safe. He didn't make her feel like he could turn her whole world upside down. She shut the book she hadn't really been reading anyway. "I would love some coffee."

Riley smiled again. "Great! Let's go then."

*** *** ***

*ducks* Please don't hurt me! It'll be okay, I promise!

Also, I've started an update list. I'll let you know what's updated where, and when a fic gets finished and added to my page. Go here to sign up: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/addielogan/

And I'd love some reviews…just nothing too hate-filled, please! lol





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