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Cupcakes for all! Thank u all so much for the great reviews; I haven’t said it in a while so I will now. And great suggestions, they helped me a lot! This is a sorta short but extremely important chapter. Be patient with me and hey, maybe you all can push me past 200 reviews while you wait…
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“I can't do this,” Buffy thought aloud to herself. Her voice held no emotion whatsoever. On the inside she was completely numb. If she allowed herself to feel the pain, the confusion, the sadness she’d break down, “I just can't.”

She’d tried, she really, really had but she couldn’t do it. She and Spike had been sitting in her living room watching TV, his arm wrapped securely around her waist earlier and she’d tried to tell him. That was until she’d looked into his beautiful blue eyes and she just couldn’t do it. She knew she was being selfish not telling him but the way he had looked at her with so much love she didn’t have it in her to tell him that she was pregnant and there was a fifty-fifty chance that it wasn’t even his.

Buffy fell back onto her bed with a deep sigh and screwed her eyes shut. Why? Why was this happening to her? And now of all times! Her life was just coming together and this was going to tear it apart once more. A bitter laugh escaped her. Guess the “you can't have your cake and eat it too” thing was true. Well this sucked.

She rolled over onto her stomach, bringing Mr. Gordo, letting out a heavy sigh. Then she remembered the conversation she’d had with Willow and Lindy the day they’d found out that she was indeed with child. Maybe Lindy HAD gave a good suggestion. Maybe it would be for the better that way. Maybe she could just go in, get an abortion and go on with her life with no one but Willow, Lindy and her knowing that at a point and time in her life she had a baby growing inside of her. Maybe, just maybe…

Her eyes landed on her phone and she made up her mind.

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They sat in complete silence on the swing set in the small park about a block from Buffy’s house. Neither girl had said a word since Lindy had sat down next to her, giving her a confused yet somehow meaningful look. The air was thick with tension that had been building up since that faithful day. The brunette finally turned to Buffy and asked, “What’s the matter babe? You called me telling me that it was urgent and yet here we basking in this wonderful awkward silence. Please, tell me what’s wrong.”

Buffy started to gently swing back and forth, her feet bare feet digging into the sand with the same indifferent look that had marred her usually happy, laughing face for a week straight, “Why did you get an abortion Lind?” Buffy didn’t have to turn and look at her friend to see the tortured look settle over her face.

There was another moment of silence before she replied, “I was only fifteen years old Buffy. Fifteen fucking years old.”

Buffy closed her eyes and sighed sadly as Lindy went on, “I was a baby having baby.” She paused once more, tears making her voice crack slightly, “There was no way I could do it. I mean what would people say right? “Oh yeah, there’s that little whore that got knocked up on a one night stand at fifteen.” I couldn’t do that to my baby. I couldn’t give it a life worth living. I know damn well that my parents weren’t going to support me through it so people can go and think that I did it for selfish reasons and maybe they’re right but I don’t think I did. Then again who says I couldn’t have tried right?” Tears were now pouring down her face, “I did the right thing Buffy. I know I did.”

Buffy finally got up the nerve to look at Lindy and said softly, “Will you help me be selfish?”

They locked eyes before she nodded, “You know I will but Buffy you gotta understand that this isn't something that you're going to get over in a week or two.” She took a deep breath and went on, “It’s been almost three years and I still cry at night sometimes. I’m going to have to go through life knowing that I killed my child no matter how good my reasons where. I don’t know how long it’s going to take before I can even think about it without being sucked into a downward spiral of depression. Can you take it?”

Buffy looked away and began to swing back and forth again before she nodded, completely and utterly numb.
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Buffy had done everything in her power to act as though everything was perfectly fine until her appointment later that day and she was pretty sure everyone was buying it. Wrong.

Spike saw right through the fake smiles and laughs but bit his tongue. When she wanted to tell him she would. He could only hope that she would. He wasn’t worried about losing her though. She didn’t avoid him or his touch, in fact if anything she was clinging to him. He’d just wait until his girl needed him and he’d be there for her.

The forth hour dismissal bell rang. The thing Buffy had been waiting for, dreading yet anticipating all day. She slowly gathered her books and headed to her locker. She shoved all of her junk into it, grabbed her bag and waited for Lindy’s arrival which didn’t take long at all.

They drove in silence to the clinic with Buffy’s shiny new birth certificate. Today her name was Anne Brookes, she was nineteen years old and she was about to go through with something completely life changing.

They checked in and sat down to wait. Taking seats in the waiting room, Lindy grabbed Buffy’s shaking hand and gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze, “Everything’ll be okay.”

Buffy nodded solemnly and squeezed back. A few long minutes that seemed to be more like hours to Buffy passed before they called her name. She looked at Lindy with sad eyes before she stood and started to follow the doctor waiting for her. She was really going to do this. Right…?

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ooh, I bring you yet another cliffhanger! Review if you want to see what happens next...





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