Spoilers: Really covers all of the Buffy series and the basics of the Angel series. Specific episodes include: Buffy Two-Part Season Finale, Season 1 ep. ”Becoming” Parts 1 & 2, Buffy Series Finale, Season 7 ep. “Chosen”, and Angel, Season 1 ep. “To Shanshu in L.A.”
Dedicated: To Candice (lilacdream7) for your support, friendship, and undying devotion to your one true obsession….James! ^_^
A/N: This story was started before the last few episodes of Angel, Season 5 aired so the whole battle against Wolfram & Hart battle is ignored and wouldn’t occur for awhile longer – basically it takes place a little over one year after Illyria has lost her time-jumping powers in “Timebomb”.
Also the lyrics used in this chapter were taken from Sarah McLachlan’s “Do What You Have to Do”.
She moved slowly through the graveyard, mist hanging heavy in the early morning air. It moved in thick steady swirling patches around her knees, hiding the ground from her view, cutting her body off at the shins. It was exceptionally cool for an October morning, and she pulled the collar of the leather trench coat she wore closer around her neck. The pale light of dawn was already illuminating the sky, trying to cut through the heavy San Francisco fog that hung like a shroud over the silent, sleeping world around her. The growing lights told her that her patrolling was over for the night and with a yawn she began to make her way back towards the world of the living.
She moved quickly despite the fog, her rapid pace, pumping blood through her extremities and helping to warm her semi-numbed fingers. For the most part she was alone in the waking dawn, the fog helping to further isolate her from the city that seemed to magically sprout up around her. But as the dawn came on full blast, she began to make out the faint sounds of early morning life.
It was around 6 a.m. when she finally found a diner open for business, and she dropped heavily into a booth off in the far corner. A plump woman with curly blond hair poured her a cup of coffee without a word. She placed her order before snaking her hands around the chipped porcelain of the coffee mug. She could feel the heat radiating into the palms of her hands and she smiled as she lifted the hot black liquid to her lips and took a long sip. It wasn’t the best coffee she’d ever had but it would serve its purpose and she drank with impunity. With a warm and contented sigh she placed the empty mug back onto the table and eased her way over to the window beside her table. She flopped her feet up onto the bench seat, and settled her back against the window.
The noise of a bakery truck pulled her attention towards the window and she turned her body sideways, as she rubbed at the pane with her fingertips. She watched quietly as two men began to off load racks of bread for the diner.
It had been nearly a year since she had helped to defeat the Avatar and a little over seven months since her release from the hospital. Yet despite all that time she had remained in the L.A. area for the most part. Of course Giles and the others had insisted she take some time off and so she had enjoyed a few weeks exploring L.A. with Xander, Dawn, and Giles. Shortly after Giles had returned with Dawn to London so she could start school on time, while she had remained with Xander, assisting Angel and Wesley with cases at Wolfram & Hart and visiting Willow and Kennedy whenever possible.
At first, Willow and Kennedy had rented out an apartment just outside of L.A. so Willow could still continue to see her doctors and keep in close contact with her friends. It was important that things remain as normal as possible for her, at least that’s what the doctors had kept insisting. The more normal, the more consistent Willow’s life remained and the more time she spent with her friends the more likely she would recover her memories. Nearly a year later and Willow still had not recovered one memory. It had been hard on her at times, hell it had been hard on all of them. She got frustrated and cried every now and then, but for the most part she remained positive. Willow, the little trooper to the very end. Yet through it all Kennedy had stayed by her side much to Buffy’s surprise. Never once did she complain, never once did she show the least bit of pain when Willow admitted to not remembering something about their life together. She was a rock for Will and Buffy couldn’t help but be in awe by the lengths Kennedy would go for Willow. In fact, Kennedy’s number one priority was helping to keep Tara’s memory alive. Instead of trying to hide it Kennedy was quite up front about how much Willow had loved Tara and that was something they all had come to admire greatly about Kennedy’s devotion.
After half a year, however, Willow had grown restless and Kennedy and her had decided to move up to San Francisco. Xander too had eventually left, heading back to Africa, but still Buffy had remained. Her relationship with Angel had improved and they had finally truly settled into the “just friends” roles. Time passed and it became clear that she was not needed in L.A. anymore but still she could not bring herself to leave. Everyone knew why she was hesitant to go; deep down in her heart she too knew the truth, but still she played ignorant. Every night her patrols would take her past the same spot, her feet always moving back and forth through the rubble.
It had been one moonless night about a week ago when she had finally admitted to herself why she was staying. Somewhere in the recesses of her heart she was still clinging to the fantasy that he would rise from the ash and she would find him. They would be together again. But each night she left Wolfram & Hart alone and returned each dawn alone. No amulets arrived in the mail. No ghostly apparitions came waltzing down the office hallways. No, Spike was gone and this time he was gone for good. She could still feel the part of her heart that had broken when she had finally admitted it to herself, when she had finally given up the last bit of hope, the unconditional hope that true love clings to. It was then she knew she had to leave, to move on.
She had said her good-byes to Angel and the rest of the gang, before heading up to San Francisco to spend some more time with Willow and Kennedy. It had been a nice week, full of good conversation and late night fun on the town. It was good to see Willow and Kennedy so happy and Buffy had taken comfort in her friends’ joy. If only she could find that feeling again.
The gentle clank of her plate being slid in front of her brought her back to reality, and she thanked the plump waitress with a smile and a nod as the woman refilled her couple and then hurried on to the next customer. It was just about 6:30 and already the place was starting to bustle. 6:30 a.m. She had five hours before her flight, before she left California behind her.
Her stomach growled and she eagerly leaned over her plate, happily gobbling down her food. Patrolling, whether it ended in a staking or not, always left her starving. She polished off her plate in less than 15 minutes and sat quietly sipping her new cup of coffee. She had always loved those first few moments after eating a filling meal, her body reveling in a happy contented food induced coma. She closed her eyes and breathed in the strong scent of the coffee in her hands, the steam curling up around her nose and over her lips. Smiling slightly she downed the remainder of the cup in one large gulp and placed it gently down on the table before her. Reaching into the main pocket of her battered brown leather backpack, she retrieved several crumbled bills. Carefully she counted them out, slapped them down on the tabletop, and began to make her way through the throngs of business men and women vying for her now open table and for that first cup of coffee.
Out on the street, she hailed the first cab she saw. A small friendly looking Asian woman, rolled down the window of the cab, “Where to miss?”
“San Francisco International Airport,” Buffy replied as she opened the back door of the cab and pulled the door closed behind her. Unshouldering her bag, she dropped it to the seat behind her and began to fish through it for her tin of breath mints. She popped a piece into her mouth just as the cab pulled away from the curb.
“Going to be a beautiful day,” the woman grinned at her in the rear view mirror. Buffy just smiled politely back as she watched the scenery move past her window.
“Do you mind if I put the radio on? Some people don’t like music early in the morning so I like to check first,” the woman was staring at her again, only her eyes and the top of her nose visible in the thin length of the mirror.
“No that’s fine,” Buffy, replied, glancing quickly at the woman’s reflection and then back out the window of the cab.
The woman let out a happy little grunt, and flipped on the radio. Buffy paid little attention as the cab bounced its way through the streets of down town San Francisco, her mind a blank just staring at the world zooming by. Slowly though the first strings of music began to whisper at her ears, pulling her back to the warm cramped space of the cab. As the song faded, Buffy found herself acutely aware of the last few strings, her attention focusing on the relaxing soothing sounds of the Easy-Listening station the woman had settled on. With a smile, Buffy leaned back against the seat of the cab and let the music wash over her. Suddenly, she felt her body tense up as the lyrics of a new song began to pull at her heart.
What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
Oh, god, Spike! She felt emotions she had worked so hard to suppress welling up inside of her again. Her monster, her lover, her champion.
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And I had the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
Buffy felt a lump growing in her throat and she swallowed hard, trying desperately to turn her attention elsewhere. But the harder she tried the more it seemed the words were flowing into her, growing louder, echoing off the recesses of her heart.
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
Yes, she did yearn. She longed, she desire, she wished with ever fiber of her being that things could be different, that the world could be different. All those years and finally they had found one another again, only to be ripped apart after such a short time. How rapidly her heaven had become her living hell; how quickly death had snatched from her yet another person precious in her life, and how it hurt, how it burned.
But I had the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
“Spike,” she heard herself breathe, her heart pounding her chest. The cab suddenly felt very tight, very close. She quickly unzipped the long leather trench coat she wore; his leather trench coat.
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
It was too much! She could feel the walls of the car closing around her. She had to get out. She had to get away from the song, from its lyrics, from the memory of his touch that was haunting her.
“Please stop the cab,” she called out to the driver.
“Excuse me, what?”
“Please stop the cab now!” Buffy’s voice was growing hysterical now, her hands sweaty, wiping at each other in her lap.
“But I thought you wanted to go to the airport?” the woman’s review reflection glanced over Buffy’s obviously agitated form with wary eyes. Was this girl in trouble with the cops?
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
“Please, I need you to just stop the cab now!” she was on the verge of tears now.
“Miss…” the driver began.
“Now!” Buffy cried. “Please,” she muttered as an after thought. Without a word, the woman pulled over.
And I had the sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
Buffy was out of the cab before the car had even come to a complete stop. Quickly she shoved a wad of bills into the driver’s hand. Turning she walked as fast as she could away from the cab, ignoring the woman’s calls that she had over paid. All she could hear were the last few lyrics playing over and over again in her head.
But I had the sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
She moved faster now, her body nearly running, running away from the lyrics, from the haunting melody. Before she knew it she was doing a full sprint, until suddenly she turned a corner and slammed full force into a young man.
“Are you alright?” she heard a kind voice calling down to her.
“I’m so sorry,” she muttered, her face scarlet with embarrassment. She reached out and accepted the hand that was being offered her. The man pulled her to her feet and for the first time she was able to look him in the face.
Spike! She stared slack jawed at the blond-haired blue eyed man who stood before her, the sun making a halo around his head from behind. Raising her hand she shielded her eyes to get a better look.
“I’m sorry, do I know you?” the man frowned, obviously confused and a little taken aback by the look she was giving him.
She stared at him hard, but still the sun was in her way. Quickly she moved to the right and was able to see him uninhibited. “No, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else,” she replied giving him a weak smile. He had Spike’s hair and eyes alright, but the face, it wasn’t him. It never would be him. He was gone and she just had to stop believing otherwise.
She apologized again to the young man before moving on. For the first time she looked around and found herself down by the docks along the bay. So much for a quick and easy trip to the airport. She considered hailing another cab but instead decided it would be better just to catch a later flight. She didn’t want to have to get into another cab for a least a few more hours. So instead she made her way down to the end of one of the long piers.
Dropping her bag down at her feet, she pulled off the long trench coat and folded it neatly over the thick wooden railing next to her. All that running had made the trench coat nearly unbearable to wear, and she stood welcoming the cool ocean breeze that blew over the bare skin of her arms and twisted through her hair which hung loose and long over her shoulders. The breeze pressed the soft fabric of Spike’s black t-shirt, the one she had slept in all those nights beside him, against her skin and she smiled at the feel of its familiar touch. How could he be gone when so many things of his still surrounded her? When they still seemed to pulsate with his essence, his scent, his soul?
Reaching down she undid the tie straps on her backpack and began to sift through its contents. Finally she felt her fingers wrap around what she was looking for. Carefully she pulled out the photograph and held it out in front of her, her elbows resting on the top wooden bar of the pier.
The photo was just over two years old, but already it was bent and faded in places. It was from their trip to Italy, the first place they had gone after she had come back for him in L.A. There they were, the two of them, sitting in a gondola in Venice, bathed in moonlight just smiling. She sat in his lap, his arms wrapped around her protectively. She was the only one looking directly at the camera; he had been smiling and laughing at her with that cocky grin she had come to love so much. It seemed a lifetime ago.
As Buffy ran a fingertip over the line of Spike’s well defined cheekbones, she noticed the sunlight around her dimming. Looking up she was surprised to see thick clouds moving rapidly across the sun. Rain hadn’t been mentioned in the forecast that morning. At the same time the last remnants of the fading morning fog seemed to thicken about her, hiding most of the marina from her view. If it had been anywhere else in the world she would have thought it strange, but this was San Francisco, home of the strangely living fog. But if rain was a possibility she didn’t feel like just standing around getting soaked, so quickly reached down to return the photo to her backpack.
Just as she was moving the picture towards the lip of the backpack pocket, a stiff ocean breeze blew up and ripped it from her hands and sending spiraling back up the pier towards the street. “Damn it!” she swore and began to race after it.
The picture slid to a stop in front of a figure that had just moved out onto the pier. Slowly the figure bent down and picked the picture up in its hand, turning it over and smoothing out its wrinkled, folded front.
“Excuse me, but that’s mine,” Buffy called out. “I’d like to have it back.”
Without a word the figure began to move towards her down the pier. As he grew closer Buffy started to get a funny sensation in the pit of her stomach. Could it be danger? Could it be part of the warning Whistler had left her with? She felt her body tensing and slowly she moved so she was directly in front of her bag, close enough to snag a stake or her scythe if necessary. Still the figure moved towards her, most of its features concealed by the fog, its arm stretching out towards her with the picture in hand as it grew nearer.
“Thank you so much,” she reached her hand out to take it, but instead the picture fell softly to the planks of the pier before her, Buffy’s hands pressed tightly against her mouth. She couldn’t move; her whole body seemed frozen in place, as frozen as she had felt when she had first awakened from her coma. Slowly she began to shake, starting with her legs and moving upward to her arms and chest. A soft gasp escaped her lips as she stared wide-eyed up…up at Spike!
“Spike,” she whispered so softly she wasn’t sure if she had heard herself, let alone whether he had heard her. It had to be a dream. Yes, she was dreaming that had to be it.
He just stared back at her with that cocky smile of his playing at the edges of his lips. He was dressed in a navy blue button down shirt over a white t-shirt, his legs stuffed snuggly in a pair of well-fitted regular blue jeans over his trademark black boots. His blond hair wasn’t as gelled back as usual, small tendrils of curls falling across his forehead. He shook his head slightly from side to side as she whispered his name again.
Suddenly the clouds overhead parted and the sunlight streamed down on them, chasing the remnants of the fog away. Buffy blinked in the brilliant sunlight, blinked up at Spike. Spike! Spike standing in full sunlight! Spike standing in full sunlight and not burning?! The playful smile of his began to spread slowly, seductively across his face as he watched her jaw drop open.
“How…” she whispered and suddenly she was stuck with a thought. Taking a deep breath she swallowed hard. “William?” she called out the name tentatively, rolling it around in her mouth. She had only called him it a few times since she had known him, evil and good, and yet somehow it didn’t feel as alien to say as she thought it would.
His smile broadened and reaching down he took her right hand in his. Feeling his hand touch hers made her jump slightly, but he just smiled even wider and lifted it up in his hand. Whatever he was he was real, physically there. No dream could ever be this vivid.
He turned her hand palm towards him, his hand gently cupping the back of it. Slowly he stepped forward until he was inches from her. She could feel her breath coming in fast gulps. He was here. Spike was here standing inches from her. Gently he pressed her hand over his chest, over his…heart.
For some reason she held her breath, afraid perhaps that he would vanish before her eyes, but instead she felt a heartbeat. At first she thought it was her own since hers was beating so rapidly but slowly she began to realize that it was coming from within him. Spike had a heartbeat! He was human again!
Tears of joy sprang up into her eyes and she threw herself forward into him, feeling the warmth of his strong chest against hers. His arms came up quickly and surrounded her, pulling her tightly to him. The tears began to flow freely and she sobbed like a baby into his chest. His hands came up gently, stroking her hair, rubbing at her back, until her sobs lessened and she was breathing easily against his chest. Leaning back ever so slightly, he cupped her face in his hands and tilted her head so she could look up at him. With his thumbs he wiped away the tears on her cheeks. He smiled down at her and she couldn’t help but laugh. He chuckled too, a deep warm sound echoing in his chest. Gently he leaned down and kissed her, deeply passionately.
They stood for several minutes lost in each other’s embrace, their bodies clinging to one another. Finally he released her, pulling her tightly once again to his chest. She rested her check against his chest, her ear resting over his heart. Closing her eyes she listened, smiling, to the sound of his heartbeat.
“How?” she whispered against his chest, her arms wrapped around his back.
“The Shanshu Prophecy,” he replied, his voice rippling out from beneath her head. “Whistler was partially right. He just got the wrong vamp.”
“So you’re human now?” she leaned back so she could look up at him.
“As human as you are, luv,” he smiled. Her arms reached up and encircled his neck and he pulled her up into his arms, lifting her feet of f the ground. She giggled as he swung her around in a large circle, before planting her feet back onto the ground and kissing her deeply again.
“Why didn’t you find me sooner?” she asked, her voice slightly hurt.
“Came as soon as I could, pet, but we all have to follow the rules even if it takes sodding forever for the Powers that Be to make up their bloody minds.”
She smiled again against his chest. It didn’t matter how long it had taken; in the end he had found her. She snuggled closer in his arms, never wanting to let him go.
Suddenly she felt him lifting her left hand in his. “Still have it I see.”
She looked up at him. “I’m ready for it to mean something if you still want it to,” she smiled.
“Always, luv,” he kissed her briefly again. Then reaching down he picked up the photo and her bag. He glanced down at the picture as he stuffed it inside the pocket of the bag. “No more night shots ok?”
“Whatever time of day you want is fine by me,” she grinned, as he slung her bag over his shoulder and scooped up his trench coat in his arm. With his free arm he pulled her in close beside him.
“So where do you want to go?” he asked.
A twinkled flickered in her eyes and she couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on his face. “Is that all you think about?” she giggled. “You’ve been back for all of 10 minutes and already you’re planning tonight’s activities!”
“What do you expect, luv. I’m nothing but a man.”
©2004
Ok, that’s it. Hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to leave feedback (only way I’ll get better) at divine.serenity@gmail.com (just put some note in the title so I won’t mistake it for Spam ^_^).
*Special thanks* to Angela for being my wonderful beta yet again!!!