A/N Since there was no update yesterday, this one is longer than usual. Thanks to all the wonderful people who have reviewed. This is not a story that I am very confident about so I’m glad that people are liking it so far. Don’t get me wrong, I stand by it- it just hasn’t been as easy to write as some of my others (Buffy the Vampire, for example). I’m not sure how long it will be (potentially my longest fic to date) and the updates may not be as frequent as my other story, but I promise it will be finished! It’s just a more involved plot and is taking me longer to write. No matter what, I won’t go more than a few days without updating (they will be more frequent than that, but in case you don’t see it for a day or two, it means that I’m having a nasty case of writer’s block). Thanks again and keep reviewing!



Chapter 5 - Memories



“The hardest thing in this world…is to live in it. Be brave…live…for me.”


Buffy woke with a jump the next morning. The words seemed to haunt her as she climbed out of bed.

Buffy quickly took a shower and got ready for the day. Dressing in jeans and an old sweatshirt, she walked downstairs to find Wesley sitting behind the reception counter.

“Mr. Pryce?” she asked timidly.

Wesley looked up and smiled at the young girl. What he wouldn’t have given to have gotten that amount of respect from her twenty years ago.

“It’s Wesley. What can I do for you, Buffy?”

“I, um, last night…”

“Is something wrong.”

“I don’t know,” she said with uncertainty. “Last night, I had these dreams and I have no idea what they mean.”

“Can you explain them to me?” Wes asked, grabbing a pen and paper. Buffy quickly described what she could remember of the first.

“Was there a second?”

“Kind of. I just heard, something about it being hardest to live in this world and then I had this falling sensation and I woke up.”

“Uh…yes…well, I’ll see what I can come up with.”

“You think they mean something?”

“It’s possible, though nothing for you to worry about.”

“There you are.”

Buffy turned and gave Cordelia a smile as she came down the stairs.

“I’ve been looking for you. I think today needs to be a shopping day.”

“Oh, that sounds nice, but I don’t have a lot of-“

“Money?” Cordy asked. “No worries, we have enough,” she continued, with a wave of her hand.

“That’s nice, but I can’t accept-“

“Nonsense. You’re practically family now, since Wes and I are your guardians. Albeit, illegally, but it’s for a good cause. Now, let’s go,” she said, taking Buffy’s hand and dragging her out the door.

* * * * *

Buffy and Cordelia sat in the food court of their third mall of the day, eating an early supper. Cordy had asked her questions all day, and Buffy was finally getting some answers of her own.

“So, are you and Wesley…?”

Cordy started laughing. “No, no, definitely not. We’re friends, that’s all.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought since Spike made you my guardians, that you two…”

“No, we just won’t raise any questions if a social worker happens to drop by.”

“So, are you seeing anyone…like, Spike for instance.”

Cordy’s face softened. “No, Spike and I were never a couple. Actually, Angel and I are together.”

“Really?” Buffy asked with a smile, that did not go unnoticed by Cordy.

“Yeah, for about sixteen years now.”

“But, you’re not a vampire?”

Cordy laughed. “No. And here’s a little tip, vamps can’t go out in sunlight. Stake through the heart, beheading, sunlight, use whatever’s necessary if you come across one. I mean, an evil one,” she corrected herself with a smile.

They stayed quiet, eating their meals for several minutes.

“You like him, don’t you?”

Buffy looked up at Cordelia, looking like a deer in the headlights. “Who?”

“Who do you think?” Cordy asked with a gentle smile. “Spike.”

Buffy blushed as she looked down at her salad. “He’s nice. He’s the first guy to treat me like I’m an actual person, but he wouldn’t want me.”

Buffy looked up as she felt Cordy’s hand envelop her own. “Be careful.”

“What do you mean?”

“Spike’s a very passionate man. He very rarely thinks before he acts and he usually ends up saying or doing things that he didn’t mean to. But, once you get through the tough guy exterior, he’s a great guy.”

“Are you saying you want me to go after him.”

“Not necessarily. I’m saying, if you choose to, know what you’re getting into.”

Buffy nodded as they gathered their bags.

* * * * *

Spike was pacing the lobby of the Hyperion, irritating Angel and Wesley who were trying to do research. “Where the bloody hell are they? It’s almost dark outside.”

“Almost doesn’t count, and why do you care so much?” Angel asked, looking up from his books.

“I don’t…they’ve just…been gone all day and they should have been back by now.”

“Spike,” Wesley said. “Buffy’s with Cordelia. She’ll be perfectly safe and besides, just because Buffy’s not the slayer anymore, doesn’t mean she can’t take care of herself.”

“And that’s another thing,” Spike said, pointing at Wesley to emphasize his point. “We should be testing her strengths, seeing how much of Buffy is left.”

“She is Buffy,” Angel said, getting impatient. “It’s not a matter of how much of her is left, it’s her.”

“If it’s her, why doesn’t she remember, genius?”

“What about the dreams?” Wesley asked.

Spike stopped his pacing and turned to stare at Wes. “She told you?”

“What do you think we’re researching?” Angel asked, with annoyance clear in his voice.

“I think the better question to ask, is why did she tell you?” Wesley asked, raising his eyebrows at Spike. “And when?”

“She…I don’t know, she got scared about the poofter being a vamp and she came to asked me about it.”

Spike turned, avoiding Angel’s intense stare as he got up and walked over to his grandchilde. “Are you trying something with her, Willie?”

Spike whirled around in anger. “What’s that supposed to mean, Peaches?”

“Well, you couldn’t get her the first time around, so it’s logical for someone like you to go for it when she doesn’t know who you are,” he said quietly.

“What’s the matter, Angel? Scared she’d pick me over you?”

“She did the first time.”

“No, she didn’t. You were just there, all tortured and broody.”

“At least she loved me,” Angel whispered.

“You son of a-“

Spike pulled his arm back, ready to land a blow to wipe the smug look off his grandsire’s face.

“FREEZE!”

Both stopped and looked at the door, seeing Cordelia and Buffy walking through, weighed down with shopping bags.

“What the hell is going on?” Cordy asked, walking toward the men.

“You want to tell her, Gramps? Exactly what you told me?”

“Shut up, Spike.”

“Angel, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Angel said, giving Cordy a kiss on the cheek. “Just been trapped with him all day,” he said, jerking a thumb in Spike’s direction. “It’s starting to get to me, I guess.”

Cordy raised an eyebrow, obviously not buying it as she thrust her packages at Angel. “Spike, aren’t you going to help Buffy?”

“Oh, uh, sure,” Spike said, heading toward the younger girl.

“You don’t have to,” Buffy said with a smile.

“I know,” Spike said, taking her bags from her. “But, I want to.”

Buffy gave him a grateful smile as he followed her up the stairs.

Once her bags were in her room, Spike headed for the door. “Spike?”

“Yeah, pet?” he said, turning to face her.

“Do you…never mind.”

Spike looked at her quizzically for a moment. “You can ask me, Buffy.”

“No, I…I don’t know what I was going to ask.”

Spike gave her a look, letting her know that he was well aware that she knew what she was wanting, but he let it go. “Listen, pet, I was wondering if you wanted to get a bit of a workout in the gym?”

Buffy glanced down. “Do I need to work out?”

“No, Buffy. More like sparring, learning to fight, how to defend yourself.”

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

Spike nodded. “I’ll meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”

* * * * *

A few minutes later, Buffy had changed into a pair of black cotton pants and a sports bra. She jogged downstairs and smiled when she saw Fred.

“Hi,” the woman said, giving Buffy a bright smile.

“Hi, I was wondering if you could show me where the gym is.”

“Oh sure, it’s straight down the hall, last door on the right.”

“Thanks,” Buffy said, heading down the hall.

Opening the door, she felt her mouth go dry at the sight of a shirtless Spike hitting a punching bag. Buffy swallowed as she followed the lines of his strong back, watching as the muscles bunched and released with every blow. Her eyes trailed lower to his low hanging sweatpants. Though they weren’t tight, Buffy could see the lines of muscles in his strong legs whenever his body shifted.

Licking her lips, Buffy realized she’d been ogling the man who had treated her so well and she was beginning to feel guilty. Although, she would have done it again in a heartbeat. Buffy shut the door, quietly, and sat on the mats to begin stretching.

Spike turned around to face her, having sensed her from the moment she stepped in the room. He swallowed hard, when he saw the taut body and smooth skin that was revealed as she stretched. Rotating his arms to stretch the muscles he’d been working, Spike walked over to her.

“You’re early, pet.”

“Is that bad?” Buffy asked with a smile.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “You ready?”

Buffy hopped to her feet. “What first?”

“I just want to see what kind of instincts you have, first.”

“Meaning…you’re just going to attack me?”

“I promise, it won’t hurt,” Spike said, smiling.

Buffy nodded and quickly spun out of the way as Spike rushed at her. Turning around, they circled each other. Spike threw a punch that was easily blocked by Buffy as ducked underneath the kick he threw her way. As Spike tensed to strike again, he was surprised when she not only blocked him, but landed a hit of her own, directly on his nose.

Spike reeled back, his hand automatically going to his nose as Buffy gasped. “I’m so sorry!”

Spike pulled his hand away and saw the thin trickle of blood that was left on his hand. Resisting the blood lust that seemed to flow through him, Spike wiped the rest away and grabbed a towel off the nearby workout bench to clean his hand. “It’s okay, pet.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

Spike smiled. “I know, you always had a…”

“A what?”

“Um, nothing. I meant you’ve got a mean right hook.”

Buffy smiled sheepishly. “If you want to quit for the night, I’ll understand.”

“No, we’re here. May as well go for a few more minutes.”

Buffy nodded as they both got into position again. For ten minutes, the sparring went back and forth. Buffy gasped when Spike rushed her, as they each grabbed the other’s shoulders and fell back on the mat. Buffy easily kicked her body up, flipping them over and straddling Spike.

Spike stared up at the beautiful young woman. Her hair framed her face as she looked down at him, her breath coming out in pants causing her body to move against his. Spike felt his own body trying to react to having her so close. When a voice suddenly came back to him that he couldn’t push away.

“That’s enough, Buffy.” She quickly jumped up, offering him a hand which he ignored as he jumped up and grabbed his shirt. Walking toward the door of the gym, Spike turned back and saw her watching him in confusion. “You did great, Buffy.”

She watched, feeling slightly hurt as he walked out the door.

Spike quickly pulled his shirt on as he walked down the hallway. The voice echoed over and over in his head- “You’re beneath me.”





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