A/N I combined two chapters today, so the next update will be Tuesday. Please review!
Chapter 7 – Who Am I?
“Wesley?” Buffy said timidly, walking into his office the next day.
“Yes, what can I do for you, Buffy?”
“I need to try and find out some things.”
“Such as?”
“I’ve been having more dreams…and I need to know what they mean.”
“What did the dreams entail, Buffy?” Wesley asked with a worried expression.
“The first one was about Slayers. I asked Spike, and he said a Slayer kills
vampires.”
“And that’s all he told you?” he asked anxiously.
“Yes,” Buffy said, nodding. “He told me I wasn’t ready to know and that I
should tell you about the dream.”
“You said the first, was there a second dream?”
Buffy nodded again. “I don’t really know what it was about. It was a bunch
of people I’ve never seen.”
“Can you describe them?”
“Um, a redheaded woman…a man with brown hair…and an older man, he had
glasses. That’s all I remember.”
She watched as Wesley jotted down some notes before looking at her again.
“Buffy, let me talk to Angel, and we’ll see what we can work out.”
“Do you know what’s going on, Wes?”
Wesley seemed to hesitate before answering. “I think I should talk to Angel
first.”
Buffy nodded. “Thanks, Wesley,” she said softly before turning to walk out
of the office. Walking through the door, Buffy ended up running into a
young man that she’d never seen.
“Hi,” he said in a friendly tone, holding out his hand. “I’m Connor.”
“Buffy,” she said, introducing herself as she shook his hand. “I haven’t
seen you around.”
“Yeah, I’ve been out of town with some friends. My dad told me we had a
guest staying for a while.”
“Your dad?”
“Angel.”
Buffy gaped at him, turning when she heard a noise, and saw Angel
approaching. “Oh, Buffy, I see you’ve met my son.”
Buffy absentmindedly nodded as her mind kept trying to turn over the
situation. “But aren’t you a…”
“Long story,” Angel said with a nod. “But Connor is my biological son. You
two may have some things in common. He’s a few months younger than you.”
“Yeah,” Connor spoke up. “We can have a night out, if you want. Get away
from the old fogies around here.”
Buffy smiled as Angel playfully hit Connor on the shoulder.
“So what do you say, Buffy?” Connor asked.
“Um, that sounds good, I guess.”
“Great! We can go catch a movie or something.”
* * * * *
Spike paced the lobby chain-smoking as Wesley, Angel, and Cordelia discussed what should be told to Buffy regarding her dreams. It was getting close to midnight, and Spike was getting more impatient to get out and slay something.
“I think we should tell her,” Cordelia said.
“Cordy, if we tell her everything, it could cause an imbalance in this
dimension,” Wesley said.
“How so?” Angel asked.
“If Buffy understands everything about her life as a Slayer before it
naturally comes back to her, it may severely impact on things to come. On
the prophecy that she was brought back to fulfill.”
“If we tell her, and she was meant to die, maybe this could save her life,”
Cordy reasoned.
“And what if she’s not meant to know and the information we give her ends up
killing her?” Wesley countered.
“What do we know about the prophecy?” Spike asked, finally speaking up.
“Not much,” Wes admitted. “Fred’s working on it, but it’s taking a while to
decipher it’s specific meaning.”
“Where is Buffy, anyway?” Spike asked. He hadn’t seen her since he left her
room in the predawn hours. He was trying to keep his distance, but it
didn’t stop him from thinking about her.
“She and Connor went out,” Angel said.
“What!?”
“Relax, Spike, they just went out with some of Connor’s friends.”
Spike tried to control the jealousy that seemed to flood through his body as
his pacing increased.
“What if we just tell her a summary of her life?” Cordy said, trying to
change the subject.
“Like what?” Angel asked.
“Like…she used to know all of us. She was the Slayer. Nothing too
specific, just some basic things that might help her understand what she’s
dreaming.”
Spike felt a stab of panic but ignored it. It was inevitable that they
would want Buffy’s memories to return- he just wasn’t ready for the abrupt
change in her behavior. The innocent girl he rescued would be no more. In
her place would be the woman who loved Angel and thought of Spike as a
disgusting thing.
“That does sound like the best idea,” Wesley agreed with a nod.
Everyone turned when the door to the hotel opened, revealing Buffy and
Connor walking through, laughing at something. Spike tightened his jaw and
walked to the other side of the room, not trusting his temper around the
younger man.
“Whoa,” Connor said, coming to stop next to his dad. “Team meeting?”
“Something like that,” Angel replied. “Connor, can you do us a favor and go
see if Gunn needs any help with the weapons in the back?”
Connor looked around the room at all of the somber faces and nodded. “Sure
thing, dad.”
Buffy stood nervously as all eyes turned to her. “I can go up to my room,
if-“
“No,” Wesley said. “We needed to talk to you about your dreams. Explain a
few things.”
Buffy stood, waiting expectantly. “I’m listening,” she said softly.
“You should probably sit down,” Angel said.
* * * * *
“Sooooo,” Buffy said slowly, her eyes unfocused as she looked down at the
floor. “I was a vampire slayer in a former life…I knew all of you in some
way…and The Powers That Be, whoever they are, decided to bring me back for
some reason.” She watched as everyone nodded before standing. “Can I ask
all of you a question? Are you completely stoned?!” she yelled, pacing the
room. “Okay, some of the things I can understand, like a man exploding into
dust when he was trying to attack me…obviously not human, so of course it’s
some otherworldly creature. And I’ve given you all the benefit of the
doubt. I mean…you,” she said, pointing to Angel. “You’re a vampire, but
apparently the cuddly kind, and you all have this bizarre career where you
chase demons and vampires, and you have a green demon that can read your
destiny if you sing. I think I’ve had a very open mind about a lot of this,
but to tell me that I’ve lived before and known all of you fairly recently,
it’s just…”
Buffy trailed off as tears sprung to her eyes. What she had just learned
was too much for her. She didn’t understand anything. She couldn’t
understand why these people might lie to her about something like this, but
she also new it was probably the closest thing to the truth that she had.
“Buffy,” Cordelia said gently, approaching her. “We just thought you should
know. The dreams you’re having are memories of what happened to you in the
years leading up to your death.”
Buffy took a shaky breath before turning to look at the older woman. “Does
this mean I’ll start remembering even more things that I don’t remember?”
Everyone looked slightly confused. “You know what I mean.”
“Yes,” Wesley said, standing up. “Being around people you knew has
triggered something that is letting you know through various pieces, who you
used to be.”
“How did I know all of you?”
“I was your temporary Watcher,” Wesley said.
“And a Watcher is in charge of the Sayers?” Buffy asked.
“Yes.”
“What about you?” Buffy turned in Cordy’s direction.
“We knew each other in high school. I moved to L.A. after we graduated.”
“Were we friends?”
“More like…acquaintances. I wasn’t the person I am today.”
“Then I’m technically your age?”
“Technically.”
Buffy nodded. “And Angel?” she asked, looking at him. She noticed as
everyone in the room seemed to become a little more nervous.
“We, uh…we kind of…dated.”
“So, I dated a vampire…well, this just keeps getting better and better,” she
said sarcastically. “No offense,” she added as an afterthought, looking at
both Cordelia and Angel.
Both nodded as she turned to look at Spike. Before she could ask, she heard
Angel’s voice behind her. “Spike was an ally of yours.”
“Ally?” she said skeptically with a raised eyebrow, never taking her eyes off the man in front of
her.
Spike was frozen in place. For a second, just the smallest of seconds, he’d
seen the old Buffy come through. He couldn’t even be sure what it was. The
look in her eyes, the slight tilt of her head, a brief flash of recognition.
He couldn’t be sure.
“I helped out before you died,” he said quietly, averting his eyes as he
inhaled sharply on his cigarette.
Buffy nodded, turning to face the remaining members of the group. “I think
I need to get some sleep,” she muttered, turning for the stairs.
“Buffy, if you need to talk, we’re all-“
“I’ll be okay,” she said, turning and offering a smile to Angel. “It’s just
a lot to process.”
* * * * *
Spike had been pacing his room for over two hours. He knew that he should
have gotten out of the hotel while he had a chance, but his mind was a
wreck. The look that Buffy had given him was burned into his memory. The
disbelieving way she had said one word made him think she knew more than
she was letting on about.
Hearing a knock at the door, Spike went to answer it and was only slightly
surprised when he saw Buffy standing on the other side. Walking in before
he even moved out of the way, Buffy shut the door and turned to face him.
“Were we in love?”
“What?” he asked, the shock evident in his voice.
“You heard me. I want to know.”
“Why do you think we were in love?”
“I remember a marriage proposal.”
Spike started laughing- he couldn’t help it. Everything coming back to him
about the false engagement:
“Do you want to be William the Bloody or just Spike? 'Cause either way, it’s
going to look majorly weird.”
“Whereas the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.”
Spike shook his head, trying to control his laughter.
“I didn’t think it was that funny.”
“It was a spell, luv. You never loved me, you definitely never wanted to
marry me. At least, not when you were in control of your own free will.”
“Were you in love with me?” she asked quietly, taking a step closer to him.
Spike’s smile faded as she closed in on him. “Why do you ask?”
“’I loved her. She didn’t return the feeling…she died because I couldn’t
save her’,” Buffy recited what he had told her the night that he’d walked
her home.
Spike clenched his jaw. “Why is it that whatever I say always comes back
to haunt me?” he asked to no one in particular.
“You said it was a woman that I reminded you of,” Buffy said softly, taking
another step toward him. “A woman that you were in love with.”
Spike suddenly had to fight the feeling of needing to breathe as her body
brushed against his. “Things were different then, Buffy.”
“Things are different now,” she replied quietly, letting her hands trail along
his chest.
“You don’t know what you mean,” Spike said, closing his eyes to try and
reign in his emotions.
“I know enough,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck and
pulling his lips to hers in a soft kiss.
Spike tried to fight it with everything he had left in him. This was
wrong, this wasn’t the Buffy that he knew. And when her memories returned,
she wasn’t going to be happy with the way she was acting right now.
Spike’s eyes squeezed shut as Buffy moaned into his mouth, arching her body
against his. He felt his hands, of their own accord, begin to run the
length of her back as they deepened the kiss. Spike jumped slightly when he
felt her tongue stroke his before she pulled away breathlessly to look into
his eyes.
“I want you, Spike,” she whispered, pulling him toward the bed.
This seemed to snap him out of the daze he was in. Pulling his hand away
from hers as if he’d been burned, Spike took several steps away from her,
needing distance in his favor. “We can’t,” he said in a gruff voice.
“Why not?” Buffy asked, taking another step toward him.
“Don’t,” he said in a menacing tone that caused her to stop. “You don’t
want this, Buffy. You never did. This isn’t you.”
“No,” Buffy replied angrily. “This isn’t her! I’m not her, Spike. I don’t
care what happened, what memories I might get back, I know what I want!”
“No, you don’t. You think you do. You think because I saved you that you
know me? You don’t know anything!” he yelled, turning his back on her.
“Then tell me!” Buffy cried. “What do I need to know, Spike? Tell me!”
Buffy gasped and stumbled backwards as Spike whirled around to face her, his
demon mask firmly in place. “How about this, luv? Is this a face you
want?”
Regaining her composure after a moment, Buffy took a step forward. “You told me that there
was nobody here who would hurt me. So, I get one more shock of the day- it
doesn’t change what I feel for you.”
Spike reverted back to his human features as he looked at her through cold
blue eyes. “No. It doesn’t change anything…until you remember some more.
I’m not your bloody knight in shining armor. I’m a demon. Evil. There’s
nothing you can do about that, so why don’t you get out?”
Spike couldn’t watch as he saw the tears in her eyes. Turning his head, he
saw her cover her mouth as she ran from the room. He knew he’d hurt her,
but he couldn’t live with it if he’d done something tonight that would
make her hate herself later. He might hate himself, but he couldn’t do that
to her.
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