A/N A nice long chapter for everyone- feedback would be much appreciated :-)
Chapter 8
“You can’t deny it. There’s something between us.”
“Loathing. Disgust.”
Buffy’s eyes fluttered open. For the first time since the dreams started,
she didn’t awake with a start. But that didn’t make it any less painful to
endure.
Glancing at the clock, Buffy realized that she had only been asleep for an
hour. The sun was beginning to rise, casting her room in a soft golden
glow. It had taken her several hours to get to sleep once she had finally
calmed herself down.
Spike’s rejection was still with her, his words still haunting her. But now
she couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said to him, once upon a time.
The dream practically had surround-sound. She could clearly see his eyes,
begging her to give him a chance. The little boy that was wanting to be
loved, as well as the man who closed himself off to any emotion other than
hate. She had rejected him. She knew she couldn’t stay upset with what he
said tonight when she realized she had probably done something even more
hurtful at one time.
Standing up, Buffy walked over to the window, pulling the curtains closed.
She didn’t want the happiness that the sunshine had to offer. She wanted to
be alone. Sitting back down on the edge of her bed, Buffy ran her hands
through her hair, fighting tears for the second time that night. This time,
the tears weren’t for her.
Buffy gasped and jumped to her feet when she heard a knock at the door.
Breathing in a deep breath, Buffy reprimanded herself for being so jumpy.
“Come in,” she called quietly.
Buffy was surprised when she saw Connor walk in. “Hi. Did I wake you?”
“N-no, but…what are you doing here?”
“I heard you moving around. Figured you couldn’t sleep.”
“You heard me?”
“Super-hearing,” Connor replied, pointing to his ear. “One of the benefits
of being a child of two vampires.” Buffy nodded as he continued. “So, you
wanna talk about anything?”
Buffy hesitated for a minute. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Connor- she
did. But definitely not in the way he seemed to hope. She didn’t want to
get his hopes up when she didn’t return the same feelings that she was
afraid he might have. “I’m okay,” she said, trying to offer a small smile.
“Well, you wanna go down and get some hot chocolate or something?”
“Sure,” Buffy agreed with a nod. “That sounds great.”
Grabbing a sweater on her way out the door, Buffy pulled it around her thin
frame, covering the tank top she had been sleeping in. She hugged it
tighter to her body, walking down the drafty corridors of the old hotel
until they reached the door of the kitchen.
Buffy sat down on one of the stools at the island as Connor began searching
through cabinets, pulling out the necessary items. Both stayed quiet as he
fixed their drinks. Buffy offered him a grateful smile when he set the
steaming mug in front of her.
“So…would you like to talk about it?”
“Nothing to talk about,” Buffy said with a shrug. “Couldn’t sleep. That’s
about it.”
“My dad and the others talked to you about something?”
“Yeah,” Buffy said quietly. “Nothing for you to worry about.”
“But you’ll still be staying here, right?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she said, looking into her mug as
Connor wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders.
Both turned, hearing a noise behind them, and Buffy quickly averted her eyes,
seeing an angry Spike standing there.
“Hey, Spike,” Connor said, obviously not noticing the heightened tension in
the room.
Buffy watched as Spike’s eyes drifted from Buffy to the arm that was still
wrapped around her shoulders. “Buffy, can we talk?”
Buffy was about to tell him they had nothing to talk about, but that would
probably lead to more questions from Connor. Instead, she nodded and gave
Connor an apologetic smile as she followed Spike out of the kitchen.
Both walked into the back garden, Buffy standing close to the door as Spike
began pacing the length of the area.
After a few minutes, Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. “You wanted to
talk…so talk.”
Spike stopped his pacing to come to stop in front of her. “You’re Buffy.”
“Boy…did it take you all this time to figure that out?” she asked
sarcastically.
“You’re the Buffy I knew. You’re not her, but at the same time, you’re
exactly her.”
“Is this why you brought me out here? Trying to figure out which of my
split personalities that I am right now?”
“I’m sorry about what happened up there, luv,” Spike said quietly as he
gestured toward the hotel.
“Don’t worry about it,” Buffy said, turning to head back into the hotel when
she felt his hand on her arm.
“But I am. I am worried about it.”
“Why?” Buffy asked, turning around to face him.
“Because I never meant to hurt you.”
“You haven’t even come close to hurting me,” she said stubbornly.
“That’s it!” Spike said, pointing to her. “Right there… that’s the Buffy I
know. The stubborn little chit who can’t show any weakness because she's
scared someone might get too close.”
“You know, I’m really getting sick of being thought of as her. You act like I
know what you’re talking about…I don’t!”
“You will,” Spike said quietly. “And nothing will be the same
between us, luv. That’s why I had to stop what we were about to do.”
“What do you mean, Spike? What happened?”
Spike bit his lip, staring down at the ground as he took a step away from
her. “I was your enemy, Buffy.”
“That’s not what Angel said,” Buffy replied, shaking her head.
“Not when you died, but…I was.”
“It might help if you gave me the whole story.”
“I went to Sunnydale to find the Slayer. To kill her…you.”
“When?”
“When you were the same age you are right now. I failed…a lot, but you did,
too. Eventually, you started paying me to help.”
“That’s how you became an ally?” she asked in confusion.
“At first.”
“And then you fell in love with her…me?”
Spike nodded, never looking at her.
“What happened, Spike?”
“You need to figure that out on your own, pet.”
“What are you so afraid of? What are you hiding?”
“I can’t tell you that, Buffy.”
Buffy watched as Spike turned and walked back into the hotel. She was more
confused than ever, and no one would explain to her what was going on.
Didn’t they realize that she was just a sixteen year old girl? She had
tried to take all of this remarkably well, but she was feeling the girl she
once was slipping away. In her place was a woman who knew far too much
about the ways of the world for her age.
* * * * *
Later that day, Buffy laid in her bed, asleep. She had been up most of the
night and wanted to get some much needed rest, but now as she slept, she
desperately tried to wake up as the images filled her dreams. She knew she
was dreaming. She was coherent enough to realize it, but it was still
disconcerting as she watched her dreams play out. She found herself
watching a Buffy that was a few years older than her, walking through a
graveyard. “You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I
wish I didn’t.”
The scene changed to an old warehouse. “That chip in your head? That’s not
change. Th-that’s just holding you back. You’re like a serial killer in
prison!”
The younger Buffy shut her eyes at the pain in Spike’s eyes when she heard
the older Buffy’s voice, “You don’t know what feelings are!”
The setting changed again, getting hazy as she looked around the drab
interior. She could see Spike, standing in front of her, only it wasn’t
her- it was who she used to be. “It’s not love. You can’t love without a
soul.”
Buffy felt the area spin as she stood in a street, watching as Spike followed
her toward a house. “I want you out of this town, I want you off this
planet.”
A few seconds later, she was standing in the house. There was no older Buffy
in sight- now it was her. She stood looking at Spike as he stood on the
other side of the door with a confused and expectant look on his face,
moments before she closed the door in his face.
The location changed again as she looked around an alley, watching as Spike
stared at her with hurt in his eyes. “Say it’s true…say I do want to.”
Buffy fought it with everything that she had as her hands, of their own
will, shoved Spike to the ground. “It wouldn’t be you, Spike. It would
never be you,” she said as she threw some cash at him. “You’re beneath me.”
Buffy opened her eyes, grateful that the nightmare was over, but horrified
at the person she used to be or was supposed to become. Tears fell from her
eyes as she jumped out of the bed, pulling on some jeans with a white
turtleneck and some shoes. She nearly ripped the door off its hinges as she
ran from the room.
Buffy tore through the hallway of the hotel, down the stairs, and through the
lobby, desperate to get out of this place. To get away from people who knew
who she used to be. To get away from Spike before she caused him any more
pain.
Throwing the door open, she was about to run into the garden, only to be
stopped when she collided with two solidly muscled chests. Buffy gasped as
she felt her arms seized on each side.
“Buffy, luv, what’s wrong?” Spike asked with concern in his voice as he
stared down at her from one side.
“Let me go,” she whispered with tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Buffy, what happened?” Angel asked in confusion.
Buffy didn’t answer. She jerked her arms out of both of their grips, shoving
each of them away as she ran outside.
“Buffy!” Spike yelled as he tried to chase after her. Unconcerned with his
own safety, he felt a strong hand grasp the back of his duster and throw him
back into the hotel. “What the bloody hell are you doing, Angelus?” he
growled, letting his vampire visage come over his face.
“I’m saving you from going up in flames, Spike,” Angel said through gritted
teeth.
“Something’s wrong, Angel. We need to go after her.”
“You take a few more steps out of that door, and you won’t be any help to any
of us,” Angel said, jogging toward the stairs. “I’ll get Gunn and Connor.
They can go after her.”
Spike paced the lobby like a caged tiger, waiting for the men to return.
After what seemed like hours but was actually only a few minutes, he saw Gunn running down the stairs, pulling on a coat, as Connor followed closely
behind.
“I’m hitting the tunnels,” Spike said, heading for the basement.
“Spike, she’s not underground,” Angel replied.
“Well, you don’t expect me to stay here and do nothing, do you? It’s
another two hours before the bleedin’ sun sets,” he said, pointing outside.
“I’ve gotta do something.”
* * * * *
Buffy hugged her arms tightly to her body, letting her hair fall in her
face as she walked through the city. The sun had set over an hour ago,
leaving Buffy feeling even more discouraged as the darkness surrounded her.
The tears hadn’t stopped falling since she left the hotel.
She couldn’t believe the person she used to be. She had accused Spike of
not knowing what feelings were, when apparently, it was her that was guilty
of that. She obviously had no compassion if she didn’t see the look in his
eyes.
Buffy squeezed her eyes shut, trying to rid herself of the ever-present
anguish that seemed to reside in Spike’s eyes. She couldn’t get the image
of those eyes out of her mind. He had never looked at her that way before,
and it was eating her up inside to know what she had done.
Buffy looked up and found herself in a cemetery. She frowned, not sure how
far she had walked or even where she was. She had run as far away as her
legs would carry her before slowing down, and now she didn’t even know if
she was still in the city.
“Not like it matters,” Buffy said softly to herself. “You can’t go back to
the hotel anyway.”
Buffy gasped as she felt her arm grabbed from behind. Spinning around, she
let loose with a flying kick, effectively dislodging the man’s grip from her
arm and feeling satisfied at the sound of ribs cracking. She gasped when
she looked down to see Charles Gunn groaning in pain. Connor came rushing
toward them as Buffy went into fighting stance.
“How did you find me?” she asked quietly.
“We’ve been tracking you since you left.”
“Tracking?” Buffy asked in disbelief.
“You need to come back to the hotel, Buffy,” Gunn said, trying to get to his
feet.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want to fight you, Buffy,” Connor said, advancing on her.
“No…you really don’t,” Buffy replied in a menacing voice.
Before Connor could get any closer, she attacked, feeling power surge
through her that she didn’t know she had. Connor fought back with as much
strength as he could manage, but he was ultimately no match for her.
When he was effectively incapacitated, Buffy took off running. Gunn watched
her go, painfully reaching into his back pocket to extract his cell phone.
* * * * *
Spike ran through the cemetery, his demon features taking over to heighten
his senses. Pausing briefly, he focused on a particular area. Gunn had
called him ten minutes ago, while he and Connor were on their way to the
hospital. Spike was scared that Buffy had already gotten away when he
caught her scent.
Running as fast as he could, her scent got stronger as he came to the outer
edges of the cemetery. He stopped, looking over at a crypt, when he heard a
tiny noise. Walking softly so as not to alert whoever or whatever was
inside, Spike carefully looked around the corner, through the door.
Breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Buffy, the relief was short-lived as
he looked at her. She had pulled herself into a ball, trying to keep her
sobs quiet as her tiny body shook with their impact.
Cautiously, Spike stepped through the door, not wanting to alert her to his
presence until he was closer. Crouching down in front of her, he gently
reached out to caress her hair, not surprised when her body tensed and she
flew to a standing position.
“Spike?’ she asked, not sure if it was him she was seeing.
“It’s me, luv,” he whispered quietly.
“Please go away,” she said, looking away from him.
Not listening, Spike took a step closer, wrapping her in a strong embrace.
She tried to put up a fight, but her tears eventually began to fall again as
the teenage girl won her inner battle. Spike held her firmly as Buffy
sobbed into his chest, clutching at his duster as he held her upright.
“Talk to me, Buffy,” he whispered. “Tell me what happened.”
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