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"Hello?"

"Happy Solstice Willow! Or is it Merry Solstice, I never know."

"Hey Buffy, thanks, but actually the Solstice was a couple of days ago. Not that I don't appreciate the non Xmas greeting. After all, Wicca Jew here. That sounds wrong somehow, or at least east coast."

Buffy laughed, it was good to hear Willow's voice again. She really missed her friend.

"So how's Kennedy?"

"Good."

"Just good? Not sounding too enthused there Will. No trouble in paradise I hope?"

"No trouble, though I don't think I'd call it paradise. More a purgatory, you know, maybe some day we'll get to the paradise parts."

"Purgatory not the symbolism one generally uses for good relationships. I take it Kennedy's not all you hoped?"

"It's not that. I mean, I didn't really hope for anything. It's not like I ever expected her to be Tara or anything. It's just . . . she doesn't really get me. She's so young. Not that I'm old lady Willow. It's just, she's never understood about the magic, not really. She thinks that after the major mojo it took to awaken all the potential Slayers, I should be able to do anything, no fear, no worry. She doesn't get that for all it's potential goodness, there's lots of potential badness. Just waiting around corners, lurking."

"I'm sorry. I hope things work out, of course if they don't, I'm sure you'll find someone else. Speaking of lurking though. . ."

"Ah ha! I knew it. The Willometer told me that you didn't just call cause it was Christmas. Things not working with your dad? Oh. Wait. You said lurking. It's Angel isn't it. Did he do something? Did he say something? Cause if he needs a stern talking to, you just let me know and I'll call him up, and waggle my finger at him."

"It's not Angel, Will." Buffy smiled. She was so glad she'd called her friend. It had been hard to get away from her dad and Dawn to have a private conversation, but she really needed this. She'd been stuck in a wiggins since last night. "It's Spike."

"I know Buff. I know how hard it can be to let someone go, especially someone you loved. Heck you know that too. At least you're willing to admit your grief."

"Um actually Willow, he's not dead, or not big pile of dust, buried under a ton of rock dead. He's here in L.A. And did you say love? Who said anything about love?"

"What he's alive? When, what, why wasn't I told. I thought I was in the loop, how'd I end up un-loopy?"

"I'm sorry Willow, I didn't want to upset anyone. It's not like he was you guys favorite person, err vampire. I only found out myself a month ago. Andrew ran into him when he was here getting Dana, you know the crazy slayer."

"Harumph. Well, I forgive you this time. Especially since you obviously called to fill me in on some dirt, but remember, I'm loop girl. There is no loop without Willow."

"Gotcha. Promise next time someone comes back from the dead you'll be the first person I tell."

"You are forgiven, okay go on. What'd he do? What happened? What was it like seeing him again?"

"It was great at first. Dawn and I went to see him yesterday, we took him gifts, and he. . . oh god Willow, he gave me this locket, it's kind of cheesy, you know sweet sixteenish, but inside there's a picture of my mom. I . . . I"

"Wow, that's wonderful. I know how much it upset you, loosing all your pictures. And hey, 10 points go to Spike in the gift giving category. So what ELSE happened."

"I . . . well . . . Like I said it was really nice, and we left, and it was all very friendly. But then last night I had this dream. He was in it, and this brunette, and they were, you know. But anyway she was carving him up with a knife while they were doing IT. Anyway, I woke up, and I thought at first that it was a slayer dream, even though it came in the middle of this dream of. . . well, anyway, I rushed over to his place, but he wasn't there. So I was about to leave when he shows up, and he's got this cheap skanky perfume on, and there are big lipstick marks on his neck. So I say something to him, and he says something back, and next thing I know he's slammed the door in my face, and I hear this smashing sound, so I go in, and he's been punching the wall (what is it with guys and wall punching anyway?) and he's crying so I comfort him, even though he yells at me to get out, but I don't and then he tells me how lonely he is, and how he wishes he'd died in Sunnydale, and next thing I know I'm kissing him, and then I realize that he's still covered in cheap hooker, and I'm like, ewwww, so I push him away, and we yell again, and he pours out the gift I gave him, and then I left, and what am I going to do Willow?"

"Breathing might be a good place to start. Um, look Buffy, I'm not sure I got everything in there, but you love him, and if you didn't let him know you wanted to get back together, you can't really blame him for sleeping with someone else. You didn't tell him you wanted to get together did you? I might have missed it."

"No. I never said anything like that. And why do you keep saying love?"

"Buffy you're in love with Spike. I don't know how you can't know this. I thought you told me that you told him, before he pulled his Phoenix act. We all know you love him, know you loved him, back in Sunnydale. Why do you think we were all wiggy about him and the trigger. Do you think we wanted you to have to kill another guy you loved?"

"That's ridiculous. I mean, sure I love him, like a friend love him. Like I love you and Xander, love him. But I'm not in love with him. And I certainly wasn't back in Sunnydale. I was too busy stopping the end of the world to fall in love. I just told him that 'cause it seemed the thing to do, what with the big sacrifice and all."

"Uh-huh, yeah sure. Whatever. Look Buffy, even Giles knew you were in love with him. Why do you think he was so determined to keep you to apart?"

"Not following your logic there Will. Mind taking me around that bend?"

"Giles wasn't there when Spike showed back up all soulful, and none of us ever gave him the story. Probably cause we didn't want to go into why Spike left. He just assumed that Spike had been cursed like Angel. He asked me about it post-Sunnydale. 'I admit Willow,'" she said doing her best Giles impersonation, "'That I didn't think it was a good idea that you seemed to be going around cursing vampires with souls, willy-nilly. But I must say, it did work out for us in the end, all though it was a bit of a risk.'"

"Oh god."

"Buffy?"

"Giles was worried that I'd make Spike happy and he'd lose his soul?"

"That's about the long and the short of it."

"Oh god. Willow, that night, when you guys through me out of the house. Spike found me, and he comforted me, and we slept together. I don't mean that, I mean, I do mean that. But he just held me, that's all, and we slept. No sex or anything. Anyway, the point is, he told me the next day, that, that had been the happiest night of his life. Even better than when we had been having sex. I mean, if there had been a curse, he would have lost his soul."

"But Buffy, there was no curse, so happiness, not a bad thing."

"You don't understand Will, Angel, he had to sleep. . . err. . . have sex with me to be happy. I mean, how much of it was me as a person Buffy, and how much was just the big O. But Spike, Spike the walking-hard-on-"

"T.M.I.!"

"Oh, sorry. Uh anyway, Spike, was happy just being with me. Even if I wasn't WITH HIM with him. Even if it was only as friends. I. . . god I hate it when I think about that. I mean he got his soul for me. No other vampire has ever done that, ever wanted to do that. I . . . how can I be worthy of that kind of love? Why can't I love him back?"

"Eureka, we've found the problem. Look Buffy, no one but you knows for sure how you feel, but my every best-friend instinct is telling me, has been telling me, that you love Spike. You're just scared. Trust me on this Buffy, if anybody is worthy, if anybody deserves to be loved like that, it's you. And you know what? Even if you never loved him, even if you never even liked him, he would go on loving you, so what's there to be scared of. Spike's a sure thing, and (never thought I'd say this) Spike's a good man. So here's what you're going to do. Go to him. Say you're sorry. Tell him you're a big idiot, and that you were just insanely jealous because you love him so much, and trust me, Buffy, it'll all work out."

"I don't know Will. I want to love Spike. Everything in my life would be so easy if I did. But. . ."

"No buts! Now go. If you could see me, you'd see I'm pointing at the door. Trust me Buffy. Talk to him. It'll all work out."

"You really thing so Will?"

"I know so. And I'm Wicca Girl, so you better believe it missy. Oh, and Buffy. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas Will, and thanks. Bye."





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