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Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry I've been gone so long. Promise to be be a good author and update regularaly.
Chapter 35:

After his fight with Angel, Buffy had bandaged him up, both physically and mentally. They had napped for most of the morning, then they had gone back downstairs to find Angel Investigations still busily trying to deal with the Darla problem. Spike really didn't care, but Buffy still thought Darla had to be dealt with.

So now it was early evening and the two of them were traveling around L.A. checking out a list of hotels, motels, and apartments buildings that Wolfram & Hart was known to use, searching for Darla. They were just about to enter an apartment building when Lilah Morgan stepped outside.

'Bollocks,' Spike thought. 'What the hell is she doing here?'

Buffy eyed him curiously as he regarded the brunette lawyer with trepidation.

"Well isn't this a lucky coincidence," Lilah said in her too sweet voice.

Spike was willing to bet it was anything but a coincidence.

"I was just on my way to find you," she continued. "Dr. Roberts realized that he forgot to give you his card." She produced a business card from her purse and shoved it in Spike's hand. "You know, in case you need a follow up appointment. Brain surgery is a tricky thing. Well, tatah."

With that she beeped open the locks on a nearby Lexus, got in and drove off.

"Brain surgery? What is she talking about? Not to mention who is she?" a confused Buffy asked.

Spike looked down at his shoes, unable to look her in the eye.

"Umm, Lilah's her name. She's one of the lawyers at Wolfram & Hart."

Silence stretched between them. Buffy just waited for him to answer his other question. Realizing he had no way out of this, but concocting some absurd lie, he gave in and hesitantly looked her in the eye. Her hazel eyes were filled with pain. Obviously she knew he was hiding something, and the hint of fear in her eyes told him she'd already guessed what he was going to say.

He found he couldn't look her in the eye after all, and he started to play nervously with the doctor's card.

"I umm. . . I got the chip removed."

"When?" Her voice was barley audible, and yet it was hard.

He looked up at her again. "It's been about two days now."

"Have you killed anyone?" she asked with the same quiet voice.

There was no accusation in her voice, but Spike heard it all the same. Guilt at not telling her flooded him. He was going to. Knew he had to. But he'd wanted a chance to prove himself.

"What?! No. When have I had bloody time for killing? Been dragged all over the place trying to help Angel, haven't I?"

She leaned wearily back against the rough, brick wall of the apartment building.

"So, just haven't had time to schedule it in, huh?" Buffy's voice started to crack.

The tears rolling down her face broke his heart. It wasn't supposed to go like this.

"No. . . I'm not. . . I wouldn't. . . "

"Why not?" she screamed at him. "That's what you've been going on about since they put it in your head. How we should all be careful 'cause of what would happen when you got the chip out."

"It's not like that," he pleaded with her. "Look, I'm not going to kill anyone."

"How do I know that? How can I ever know that?" she sobbed.

"I wanted to kill your dad and I didn't," he said before he could think about what he was saying.

"Oh, great. That's a real big assurance. You only want to kill my family."

"No, I didn't mean it like that. Look, I've changed. I can be-"

"You can be what? Human? You're not. You never will be," she shouted back at him. Then she crumpled. Her legs went out from beneath her and she huddled on the ground hugging herself. "I can't. . . I can't do this again."

"Do what, baby?"

He ran to her, sat next to her and reached out to comfort her, but she flinched away.

"You have to go. You have to leave L.A, leave Sunnydale." She got back to her feet. "I'm the Slayer. If I see you again, I have to kill you."

She walked away.

He ran after her.

"No, it doesn't have to be like that. Look I promise. I won't kill. Just give me a chance," he begged.

She stopped and looked at him. Her hand reached up and she stroked his cheek.

"William, I know you mean it. I know you think you're different, that you won't. . . But if I give you a chance, and you fail, then what? I couldn't. . . I can't. . . Do you love me?"

"Yes, god yes, Buffy. You know I do. I just wanted. . .I just wanted to protect you. That's all. If something happened to you. . ."

"If you love me, Spike. If you really love me, then leave. Do as I ask because I can't. . . I'm not strong enough. I won't survive this again."

Her voice was so soft, the fear and the pain in her eyes so real, that it broke him. She was wrong. It would all be okay, if she would just trust him. But he had already broken that trust. He could see in her eyes that she wouldn't give in. That no sweet words or kisses would win his way back into her heart. Would win back her trust. Slim as it was, his only hope was to do what she wanted, and hope she came around.

"I won't kill. But if you think. . . If you ever need me, I'll be there. I promise. The claim, it won't go away. You just have to let me know you need me, and I'll come."

Spike couldn't remember anything more difficult than turning his back on her and walking away. It was too much, it was more than he could bear. He turned back around to fall on his knees to beg her to come back. But she was gone. He hadn't heard her run off, so she couldn't have gone far. But the fact that she had disappeared when his back was turned, that she hadn't stayed to watch him leave made it clear that she really did want him gone.

Hanging his head he left, never noticing that Darla had been watching the whole thing from a window above them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy sat staring out the window of the bus as she left L.A. behind. She didn't dare face Angel, and if she didn't get back to Sunnydale soon she knew she'd run after Spike.

The worst part was that he meant it. He really did believe that he had changed. That without the chip, and without a soul he could be good. That he could overcome his very nature for her.

She'd felt his sincerity through their bond, just as she'd felt his heartbreak when she'd told him that he had to leave. It had been the second hardest thing she'd ever done.

She wished she could be brave, be the young idealistic girl that had followed after Angel no matter what. That had believed love would conquer all and that if you just held on there would be a happy ending. But she knew where that got you. That got your friends dead, and sooner or later you ended up having to kill the person you loved.

She didn't have that anymore. She knew that. She loved Spike, and there was no way she could kill him. No matter what the cost, and she suspected the cost would be her soul. No, if he killed again, she wouldn't be able to stake him, she'd let it slide. And the next victim, and the next, until her soul was stained with every innocent life he took.

That was why he had to leave. Had to go away so she couldn't feel him any more. It was so that she would never have to face her worst fear. To choose between love and duty again.





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