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Chapter 33: Innocence (Part 2 of 2)

He felt like an idiot. He'd spent every moment since last night trying to drive thoughts of Buffy out of his mind, but never once had it occurred to him that his disappearance might hurt her. Of course he'd mostly been trying to forget her.

She was the Slayer; he was a vampire. There relationship should have been simple, clean. Kill or be killed. But it wasn't. Nothing was simple anymore.

He'd returned to his sire, his dark princess, his savior and she'd greeted him with open arms. But it wasn't enough. He had taken her over and over, trying to exorcise from his body the memory of the Slayer; it didn't work.

Then the solution had come to him. It was obvious; simple. If he couldn't rid himself of his desire for the Slayer, he'd make her his.

His arms still around Buffy, he moved her towards his old bed. He sat her down and brushed her hair off of her face and back behind her ears.

"It's going to be okay," he told her.

He leaned forward to kiss her and she caught his mouth with hers. He began to kiss her passionately as he lay her back on the bed. Her legs wrapped themselves around his waist as she began to move against him.

He was delighted by how quickly she responded to him. How eager she was for him. The magnificent scent of her arousal hit him, and he was filled with fantasies about what it would be like to have her as his childe.

His hands moved to her shoulders, and he ran them up her arms, loosing her hold on him as he raised her arms above their heads. He tangled his fingers in hers and held her down. He broke off from her eager kisses to nuzzle her neck.

She giggled his name, "Spike."

His fangs sank into her neck. He bit her gently, wanting to enjoy the elixir that was her blood. She cried out, first with surprise, then with pleasure. She writhed beneath him, but not because she was trying to escape him, she trusted him as completely as she had the night before.

As the blood began to pour down his throat, so did the doubt and the fear. He remembered what it had been like to have her as a childe in the nightmare they had shared. The love and devotion that had poured through their bond. But he also remembered that in that transformation she had kept her soul. His mind began to twist with possibilities as he began to doubted what he was doing.

What if she ended up like his mother? What if the demon turned on him? Rejected him? What if when her soul was gone he lost whatever it was he loved in her?

Her heartbeat began to weaken, her legs released their hold on him, and she called out his name, the smallest edge of doubt in her voice. Still she trusted him.

It was the trust that made him stop. He wasn’t sure that anyone had put that kind of complete trust in him before.He let go of her and stumbled back into the doorway. Her hand fluttered to her neck.

"Spike?" confusion and a hint of fear crept into her voice.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he muttered under his breath as he backed away from her, his features reverting back to human.

She tried to rise to follow him, but was light headed and sank back down on the bed.

He ran from the flat. He needed to kill, not for sustinence, the Slayer blood pumpping through his veins would fuel him for a while, but the demon demanded a sacriice in lieu of the slayer. As he burst into the hallway, he nearly knocked over Jenny Calendar. Confused he looked at her, wondering what Rupert's bird would be doing at his place.

Then he smelled her fear. She had never been afraid of him before. In fact, she usually seemed rather curious about Spike, like he was a specimen under glass.

"Uh, hi. Spike. You're home," she stuttered as she backed away from him.

He slammed his hand against the wall near her head, stopping her from moving any further toward the exit.

"You know," he growled. "How?" He wasn't sure that she did, but he was willing to gamble that something was going on here.

"I. . . uh."

The terror in her eyes clearly showed he was correct.

"Shhh, it's okay," he softened. "Not going to hurt you. Just tell me what you know." When she still didn't answer he smiled at her and said, "Then I guess we'll go see Rupert. Can't promise I won't hurt him though."

She nodded in understanding and swallowed hard.

"I'm a gypsy. From the same clan that cursed you." She stopped for a moment, trying to judge Spike's reaction.

"Go on."

"We. . . I was sent to watch you. To make sure that you. . . that you still suffered." Suddenly she started to talk very rapidly. "I didn't know, I swear. They never told me that the curse could be broken, and you were doing so much good and-"

"Back up. How exactly was the curse broken?"

"The curse was supposed to make you suffer, so if you ever stopped suffering, if you ever experienced one moment of perfect happiness. . ." her voice trailed off.

Spike began to laugh. Not just a little. Loud hysterical laughter gripped him as he pulled away from the terrified teacher. He stumbled down the hallway towards the exit. He stopped for a moment, still gripping his stomach and bracing himself against the wall.

"You may want to call a doctor," he told the teacher as he nodded in the direction of the door to his flat.

A look of understanding crossed her face and she ran for the door, calling worriedly for Buffy.

Despite his desire to kill, he let her go. After all Sunnydale was an all night buffet. Besides he figured Jenny was going to have to come clean about her secrets now. He wanted, needed to know how they would deal with a traitor in their midst.

And he knew Buffy, knew her heart. Attacking her wouldn’t be enough to turn her against him. She expected to die, to give her life for others. She would fight him if she had to, but she wouldn’t have it in her to kill him, not yet. But if he killed someone close to her, that would be it. She would come for him then, and he wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.

Spike chuckled, tried to regain some of his composure, and then stumbled back off into the night.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Jenny Calendar burst through the door of Spike's apartment, scared of what she might find. She'd been searching for Buffy all day, ever since her uncle had come to see her. In typical fashion he hadn't simply told her why he had come, but started by lecturing her on vengeance, the cause to which they had dedicated themselves.

She had tried to argue with him, to explain that Spike had become a warrior for good. That their vengeance may have led to something greater. But he wouldn't listen. Besides, he had told her it no longer mattered; the curse had been broken. Spike had lost his soul.

Jenny had been shocked. Although her people had sent her to watch Spike, to make sure he suffered and the curse held, they had never told her the curse could be broken. It was typical. She had been chosen because she was more American, she would blend in and no one would suspect her true purpose. But for all those reasons her people had never entrusted her with all the facts of her mission. She could have prevented this if she had only known. But it was too late now for such regrets.

Inside she found Buffy clutching her neck and stumbling out of the bedroom.

"Ms. Calendar?" she asked weekly.

"It's going to be okay," Jenny tried to reassure the teenager. "We'll get you to a hospital and-"

"No, I'm fine. We have to. . . Something's wrong with Spike. We have to help him."

Jenny's heart broke for the young girl.

"I don't think we can, Buffy. He's lost his soul. We should really get you to a doctor."

"No, Giles. If something's happened to Spike, Giles'll know what to do."

"Alright, but if he says you need a doctor, you'll go?"

Buffy nodded. Jenny helped the girl to her car. Seeing Rupert right now would be a mixed blessing. Jenny knew that she had to come clean, admit that she had been lying to him about who she was. It wasn't something she was looking forward to, but it would be better to get it over with.

They drove in silence to Rupert's apartment. Buffy stared vacantly out the window, focused on some far distant point.

"My God, Buffy. What happened?" Rupert Giles (he isn’t Rupert to her.)asked when he opened his door to them.

Buffy answered him by collapsing against him and breaking down into tears. Awkwardly, Rupert put his arms around her.

"There, there," he muttered as he pulled her inside, and giving Jenny a puzzled look.

She smiled weakly at him. Despite his uncomfortableness with the burst of emotion from the teenage girl, Jenny couldn't help but once again be touched by the paternal concern he had for his Slayer.

They had spent long hours talking about the children who occupied so much of their lives. They both shared childhoods that had been dominated by parents who had clear ideas of what their children should do-- and how they should do it. They had grown up constantly comparing themselves to their parent’s notions of who they should be.

But the California teenagers who had entered their lives had parents who were so wrapped up in their own lives that they let their children run around and do as they liked. They ran around fighting the forces of darkness and none of their parents were aware of it. Buffy was the only one who even had to take pains to keep her mother from finding out. Rupert Jenny and Giles had found themselves filling a role somewhere in between parent, mentor, and friend.

Now Rupert found himself clearly expected to fill the role of father-- but without the benefit of vast experiences of skinned knees and monster's under the bed-- to guide him.

He guided Buffy to the couch, without being able unable to get anything intelligible out of her. Jenny sat down near them and took a deep breath. It was time for Jenny to tell them the truth, to tell them who she really was. She only hoped she'd still have a place among them when she was done.





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