A/N I know a lot of you think Buffy is really weak and I agree- to an extent. It will change (slightly). I didn’t want to duplicate Buffy from the show, I wanted to show the girl part of her and not the Slayer part. There’s a little more insight into their past and more from Spike’s point of view in this chapter, so hopefully most of you will begin to understand why the relationship is the way it is. Spike being mean is over…well…mean to Buffy, anyway- he is still Spike after all :-) I hope you stick with this story!
Chapter 6 – Confessions
5 Months Ago
Buffy clasped Spike’s hand in hers as they walked along the beach. They had
spent the evening making love for the first time, and Buffy was desperately
trying to tell him her feelings for him, but something was always holding
her back. She had seen Spike a few nights a week since he had taken
her out for ice cream, and she was already in love with him.
The sunset faded below the horizon as Buffy turned to Spike with a soft
smile on her face. “I need to tell you something,” she murmured.
Spike let out a breath he was holding as he looked into her beautiful green
eyes. “Me too,” he said softly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Okay,” Buffy said with a smile. “You first.”
Spike took a deep breath, deciding that telling her straight out would be
better than dancing around the subject. “Buffy…I’m married.”
Buffy felt the air leave her lungs as her eyes widened. She stared at him
for several long moments before slowly shaking her head back and forth.
“No,” she said, almost to herself. “No, this can’t be happening.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, it’s just…I need you so much,” he
whispered, trying to pull her closer to him.
Buffy pulled back, holding a hand up to keep him away as she looked out at
the ocean, wanting to catch her breath.
“Buffy-“
“Don’t,” she said, whipping her head around to face him. “You’re married,
Spike! There’s nothing you can say to justify that or to justify
what we just…”
Buffy broke off as she turned away, wrapping her arms around her body and
letting the tears spill down her cheeks. She was in love with him. She was
in love with this man, and he was married the whole time. And she knew she couldn’t end it.
Buffy jumped slightly when Spike’s arms wrapped around her. She tried to
pull away, but he just held her tighter, letting his lips drop to her
shoulder and leaving a soft kiss in their wake.
“Do you love her?” Buffy asked quietly. Spike didn’t answer, which was
answer enough for her. She didn’t have the heart to ask the same question
about herself. “What happens next?”
“I don’t know,” Spike whispered. “I’ve never done this before…I just don’t
know.”
* * * * *
Present Day
After saying goodnight to Angel and leaving him with a chaste kiss on the
cheek, Buffy left her dress pooled in the middle of her bedroom floor as she
changed into jeans and a black spaghetti-strap tank top.
Grabbing a glass and a bottle of wine from the wine rack in the kitchen,
Buffy walked through the French doors, to the balcony while pouring herself a glass. With a
heavy sigh, she set the bottle down on the small table and went to lean
against the railing as she watched the waves crashing to the shore.
Five minutes had gone by before Buffy felt his presence.
“What kept you?” she asked, not bothering to turn around as she took a sip
from her glass.
“Traffic,” Spike replied, doing what he could to lighten the mood.
Buffy stared straight ahead, not bothering to give him the satisfaction of
turning around. “Go home, Spike,” she said softly.
“No,” he replied quietly.
“Well, you’re not going to screw me,” Buffy informed him bluntly. “I’ve met
my quota for the day. You can come back and degrade me tomorrow.”
“That’s not why…that’s really what you think?” When Buffy didn’t answer, he
took a step closer to her. “Look at me, Buffy.”
Buffy turned her head slightly, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.
“Do you really think that?”
“Lately…yeah,” she said quietly.
“Buffy, I never meant to-“
“Save me the speech,” Buffy interrupted, before turning her attention back to the
ocean as she took a deep breath. “I don’t need the winning sales pitch.
You don’t have to win me over, Spike…I’m here.”
“Then why did you go out with him?”
“Because he asked me,” Buffy replied, feeling herself getting choked up.
“Because I…because, for once, I felt like a real person.”
“And I don’t make you feel that way?” he asked, coming up beside her and
propping his arms on the railing.
Buffy was mildly surprised that he wasn’t behind her, pinning her in, but
she was grateful that he seemed to be giving her some space.
“What do you think?”
“Buffy, I know I’ve been acting like a bastard lately-“
“Don’t bother explaining,” Buffy murmured, looking down at the glass in her hands. “I already know why.”
“You do?”
Buffy stayed quiet for a long moment, not bothering to answer his question.
“When we met I…I thought you were the one that I could be with forever,” Buffy said
softly. “I was stupid and naïve…I know that now. I’ve grown up a lot the
past few months. Things don’t always go like you plan,” Buffy finished with
a shrug.
“So…you don’t think you could be with me forever?” Spike asked with a note of
panic in his voice.
“I think,” Buffy paused with a sigh, trying to fight back the tears. “I
think I’m in love with you, and I’m not going anywhere,” she said, trying to
take deep breaths and settle the knot that was in her stomach.
Spike slowly turned her around, the pain that she was feeling mirrored
in his eyes. “You love me,” he said softly as if he didn’t believe it.
“Look, Spike, don’t make a big deal out of this,” Buffy said, pulling away
from him as she set her glass on the table before walking back into the
living room. “I know I’m not first in your life. I know I’m probably not
even second, but I’m in it.” Spike stared at her back as she continued.
“In some form…I’m close to the man I love…and that’s enough, even if I’m
playing the role of mistress.”
She felt Spike’s arms go around her waist and pull her close to him as he
nuzzled her neck. Buffy bit her lip, trying to keep the tears at bay, as he
gently kissed her neck, slowly trailing up her throat, and feeling her
tense.
“Relax, baby,” he whispered. “This is all I want. Nothing else, okay? I
just want to be with you.”
Buffy let her tears fall as she nodded, turning around to bury her head in
his strong chest. For the first time, it felt like he was there for her,
not because of what she could give him, but because of what he could give her.
* * * * *
Spike walked into his house later that night with a heavy heart. He stood
in the foyer for a few minutes as he took in the appearance of the large
mansion. It was so cold. Marble and tile and granite were everywhere.
There wasn’t a hint of warmth…not like there was in the apartment. It was
as if no one even lived here.
“Aaah, Mr. Atherton, so nice to see you home, sir.”
Spike turned at the familiar voice of his butler Wesley Wyndham-Pryce.
“Thanks, Wes. Where’s Dru?”
“I believe Mrs. Atherton is out by the pool, sir.”
Spike nodded his thanks as he walked toward the back of the house. He
stared out the door for several long minutes at his wife.
“Wife,” he murmured. It sounded so strange to him, as if it didn’t fit.
Which, Spike knew, it didn’t. If it did, he wouldn’t be dreaming about
Buffy all the time. He wouldn’t be wishing for his golden goddess whenever
he went to sleep next to his frigid wife every night.
‘Why am I still with Drusilla?’ Spike asked himself.
“Till death do us part,” Spike muttered in response. ‘And I’ve been treating Buffy like shit because of those vows.’
Spike knew it wasn’t fair to Buffy. After all, he hadn’t been acting like the man she met…like the man he really was, and he knew that. It was infuriating to him that he met the woman of his dreams after he was already married. ‘And you just keep taking it out on her, you ponce,’ he thought to himself. ‘She was hurting tonight because of you. Because you keep treating her like property and she’s not…you’re beneath her. You don’t deserve her.’
But he had to have her. That’s what it all came down to. He loved Drusilla, he wouldn’t be with her if he didn’t. However, it was a different kind of love than what he first felt for her. When he was with Buffy, he felt a completion that was unlike anything he’d every experienced…and it terrified him. It broke his heart to leave Buffy and at the same time, it broke his heart to stay and get a brief glimpse of what he could have had. A life that he could see through a window, that he would never be able to truly experience. So, the more he resented himself, the more he’d made his life with her more unbearable. Anger was easier to understand, than love and Spike certainly had enough anger.
Pushing the door open, Spike took a deep breath before walking
out on the deck. “Dru,” he said, nodding toward her in greeting.
“My Spike, you’re home,” Drusilla replied, getting up from her lounge chair
and walking over to him. “I’m so glad. I think we need to discuss
something.”
Spike looked at her quizzically as she took his hand and led him over to the
glass-top table and chairs.
“Spike, we’ve been married for a long time.”
Spike stared at her in confusion before responding with the obvious
statement. “Seven years.”
“I think it’s time we had a baby.”
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