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Chapter 9 – Too Little, Too Late


“Buffy?” Spike called, walking into the apartment a week later. “I’m here,
luv,” he said, tossing his keys on the table.

“Spike.”

Spike turned to see Buffy standing behind him. “What’s the matter?” he
asked, taking a step toward her.

“We need to talk,” she said softly, gesturing toward the couch.

“I’ll stand,” Spike said, his brow furrowed and jaw set as he looked at her.
No good ever came from those words.

“Okay,” Buffy replied, averting her eyes as she began to pace the room.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately…and I’ve come to a decision.”

“Is this a decision I should have been thinking about, as well?” Spike asked
skeptically with one eyebrow raised.

“No,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “This is about me…well…us, but mostly
me. Oh God,” she murmured as her hands went up to her face before whirling
around to face him again. “I’m leaving.”

“You’re…”

“Leaving,” Buffy finished.

Spike looked at the ground as his mouth opened slightly, his tongue running
along the inside of his cheek as he seemed to contemplate what she had just
told him.

“What do you mean, leaving?” he finally asked.

Buffy swallowed, trying to control her breathing and stay strong. “I can’t
do this anymore, Spike,” she said softly, shaking her head as she looked at
him. “I’m not cut out to be the other woman. I’ve tried, and I just can’t.”

Spike tried to beat down the panic that was rapidly building in his chest.
“No,” he said through clenched teeth.

“It’s not your decision,” Buffy said, maintaining eye contact with him, in
spite of the fire that seemed to flash in his.

“We’re doing better, Buffy,” Spike said. “You said you’d be here…you told
me you’d be here.”

“And I’ve tried! I’ve tried, and I just can’t,” Buffy paused, looking at the
floor as she tried to get a handle on her emotions. “I’m going to visit my
mom.”

“Visit?” Spike asked with hope in his voice. “Then…then that means you’re
coming back.”

“Not here,” Buffy gestured to the penthouse. “I’ll be back before school
starts, but I’m going to find another place to live.”

“Buffy-“

“You need to give your marriage another shot, Spike,” Buffy said, tears
shimmering in her eyes. “You need to forget about me.”

“Why are you doing this?” he asked in a choked whisper.

“Because I love you,” she whispered. “Because I want you to be happy and
because I want it all. I-I don’t know if that’s just me being selfish or
not…but I want everything.”

“And I haven’t given you that?” Spike demanded as he gestured to the
expensive furnishings in the apartment.

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “It has nothing to do with material
possessions. I want a family…Spike. I want a man who can take me out in
public and not one who’s ashamed to be seen with me-“

“Buffy, I have never been ashamed. I’m-“

“I know why you can’t,” Buffy replied with a nod. “I understand…and that’s
all the more reason why I should leave. Spike, I want to be with someone
who wants me. Who wants the same things that I do. I want children, and
even if you say that we could have that, I don’t want them to wonder where
their father is every night of the week.” Buffy paused as she looked down,
a few tears spilling as she took a steadying breath. “I want to be loved,”
she finally whispered, looking into his eyes. “I need a man who loves me as
much as I love him.”

Spike stared at the woman who stood only a few feet away. The distance was
so close, and yet, he was still losing her.

“Buffy…”

“I’m already packed,” Buffy continued, trying to swallow the lump in her
throat. “That’s why I asked you to come by today. I wanted to say
good-bye…in person.”

“No,” Spike said, shaking his head, hating himself for the desperation in
his voice. “No, you can’t leave.”

“I have to. You deserve better than this,” she whispered. “You’re going to
start a family, Spike. You need a fresh start. You need to be able to look
at your kids and not feel guilty because of this dirty little secret that
you keep on the side. Don’t try and find anyone else, just…just try and
make it work with…her.” Buffy felt like she was slowly dying.

“I never tried to find anyone, Buffy,” Spike said, taking a step closer to
her, his hands grabbing her arms in a loose hold as he tried to keep her
close. “I found you. It was you, Buffy. It wasn’t the idea of finding
anyone else. You’re the one I want. You’re the one I need.”

“Go home to your wife, Spike,” Buffy said softly.

Spike stared at her for a long moment. In all the times that she had told
him that, this was the only time that there was no malice in her words.

Buffy let her tears fall as her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him
down for one last kiss. Spike’s arms banded around her waist in a vice
grip, desperately holding on to her as the kiss became more intense. His
tongue entered her mouth as their tears mingled, both feeling as if their
hearts were being ripped out.

Buffy slowly pulled away, feeling her heart break at the tiny sob that
ripped from Spike’s throat. Buffy evaded another kiss, bracing her hands on
his strong chest as she looked into his watery eyes. “I better go,” she
whispered.

“No,” Spike said, panicked as he frantically shook his head. “I can’t let
you.”

“Spike, I have to.”

“I love you,” he whispered, looking deep into her eyes as he realized the extent of his emotions for this woman for the first time…and it was too late. “I love you, Buffy.”

“Don’t,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “Don’t do this…it’s too hard, Spike.
Don’t make it worse.”

“I love you,” he whispered again, his hands coming up to tangle in her hair
as his forehead pressed against hers. “You can’t leave.”

“Spike-“

“I love you,” he said in desperation.

“Then let me go,” Buffy whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. “If you
love me…you’ll let me go.”

Buffy felt her stomach twist, watching as Spike closed his eyes in anguish. His arms
wrapping around her tiny body as he pulled her closer to him, sobbing into
her shoulder. She was right, he had to let her go, but his heart felt as if it was being crushed.

Buffy clutched at him, letting more tears fall as she held him. She had
never seen Spike cry before, and it almost scared her. After several
minutes, Buffy pulled back to look into his eyes before leaving a soft kiss
on his lips.

“I need to leave.”

Spike swallowed hard as he watched the woman he loved pull away from him
and walk to the door. “You said you loved me.”

Buffy stopped with her hand on the doorknob before turning around to look
at him. “I do love you. I always will. Nothing will ever change that.”

Spike silently begged her to stay as she opened the door.

“Good-bye…William.”





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