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CHAPTER 3: Evesdropping, part 3


"I don't know Giles... it was just all very strange. So many people working there, after dark. And those construction guys hanging near the fence were just... How could I put it?.. Hostile." Buffy was playing nervously with the phone cord. This phone call was getting to be very long. *should have stopped by last night like I was supposed to instead of waiting until this morning* She thought, slightly aggravated by Giles endless questioning.


"We'll have to go back, maybe in the middle of the night, when no one is there." Giles said, concern obvious in his voice.


Buffy hopped down from the kitchen counter where she had been sitting, eyes wide at the idea of ruining her first night with Spike back in her life. "Cou… could it wait until tomorrow night? I mean... they were still working on it, so nothing's gonna happen tonight, right?" she stammered.


"Why?"


"I'm... gonna be busy tonight. I need the night off."


Giles sighed. "I don't know Buffy..."


"Please?"


"Fine. You're probably right anyway. Nothing is going to happen tonight. So, you have something planned?"


"Uh.. yeah. You know Giles, I'm sorry, but I've gotta go. I'll call you if I something else happens ok?"


"Of course. If you must go..."


"Ok. Bye Giles."


She hung up before he could say anything else.


Buffy put the phone aside, and listened for a second, wondering what Spike was doing. She had been on the phone with Giles for a good half-hour, if not more. Spike should be out of the shower by now, but she didn't hear anything. So she got up, and slowly made her way upstairs. She first looked into her bedroom, but seeing that he wasn't there, she turned and knocked lightly on the bathroom door.


"Spike?.. Spike, are you in there? Can I come in?"


When she didn't get an answer, she slowly opened the door.


"Spike?.."


He was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, a towel around his hips, his head in his hands. When he heard her coming in, he lifted his head to look at her. She froze when seeing the look on his beautiful face. Utter desperation, pain, fear... it was all there, in his tormented blue eyes, his face wet with tears.


She slowly moved to sit next to him.


"It's just a bathroom you know." she murmured quietly. She paused for a moment, not really waiting for an answer. "You can't do this to yourself, dwelling on the past is pointless, and it's a waste of time."


Silence again. She could almost feel his pain, and she knew it was genuine.


"The forgiveness has to come from me, and I gave it to you a long time ago. It was actually easier for me to forgive you, than it was to forgive myself for what my insecurities and fears made me do to you."


He tried to interrupt her, but she wouldn't let him.


"No. Let me finish. It's important. What we did to each other last year... there's no words to describe it. We took something that could have been incredible, and we turned it into something toxic, for both of us. I'm responsible for most of it. I know that's not what you wanted, but you just took what I was willing to give you. And you got hurt, and I got hurt too because I wanted more just as much as you did, but I wouldn't let myself have it. And really, what happened at the end, was just the result of this mess that I mostly created."


"Buffy.. please.."


"But that's not the point Spike. The point is, it's the past. And that's now. If we want this to work... you and me, we have to put it behind us and start fresh. Yes we made mistakes. Terrible mistakes. But we have to forgive ourselves, and take it as a learning experience so it won’t happen again." She stood up in front of him.


"Are you willing to try Spike? If you're not, tell me now. Don't make me waste my time and break my heart." Her voice broke as she said the last words and she desperately fought the tears, but she managed to smile anyway.


Spike looked up at her and nodded.


"What do you say we get out of here?"


She grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. They walked out of the bathroom, and he followed her into the bedroom. She closed the door behind them. He stood in the middle of the room, unsure of himself, still upset about the conversation they just had. Buffy took one step towards him, and they stood in front of each other in silence, their bodies almost touching.


"Buffy..."


"Shhh" She put her fingers to his lips, smiling up at him.


"Spike..." She got closer, her lips almost touching his. "I want you to do what you always wanted to, and I never allowed you to."


"What's that pet?"


"Make love to me. Please."


Without another word, she kissed him tenderly, yet, passionately. Hesitant at first, he deepened the kiss. His tongue slowly, erotically, made love to hers. He snaked his arms around her slender waist and brought her body closer to his, savoring her warmth. A feeling he desperately missed for so long. Holding his Buffy in his arms. But for once, she wanted exactly the same thing he did. Feelings. Emotions. No more emptiness.


Buffy gently pushed him towards the bed, making him sit on it. She undid her robe, letting it fall to the floor and he pulled her back into his arms, kissing her again more fiercely this time.


"I missed you so bloody much pet… You don't know how much. Words couldn’t begin to describe it. You're all I can think of. All the time."


"I know" she murmured with her lips on his neck. "I was going insane without you."


She tugged on the towel still wrapped around his hips, and their skin finally made contact, a feeling they had been missing for months. Spike scooted back on the bed, pulling her along with him. She lay on top of him, rubbing herself on his shaft, arousing him more than it was possible to be. Their lips never parted, tongues dancing with one another. She straddled him and sat up on top of him. Spike moaned, begging her to end his torment.


"Please Buffy. Please, I need you."


"I need you too."


His hands roamed her body, rediscovering it like it was the very first time. And in a way, it really was. He caressed her breasts adoringly, worshipping her golden skin. Slowly, in a torturing way, she lifted herself over him and impaled herself on his hard shaft and let it slide inside of her painfully slowly. She wanted to take her time so she could enjoy the feeling of him filling her up one inch at the time. The feeling was overwhelming for both of them. She held her breath and stilled herself when he was completely sheathed inside of her, enjoying the way he was stretching her..


"I love you Spike."


He looked at her with wide eyes, the words he had longed to hear for what seemed like a lifetime resonating in his head. Words he’d never thought, not even in his most delusional moments, that he'd ever hear coming out of her beautiful mouth.


"Buffy... I love you so much..."


She smiled and lowered herself towards him, taking his lips with hunger. Her breasts were pressed against his cool chest as she started rocking back and fort, in a slow, torturing rhythm.


Soon, they were crying out each other's name in delight and ecstasy as she rode him harder. Everything disappeared around them when they came together, lost in their own world. She crashed on top of him, bliss overcoming her senses and Spike held her close to him.


Spent, Buffy rolled on her back and laughed softly.


"What's so funny pet?"


"Nothing, it's just..." she propped herself up on her elbow to look at him. "Nothing, it's silly, really."


"No, what is it?"


"It's just that... I use to think we couldn't get any better at this but, I don't know if it's the four months apart or what, but Jesus Christ, you just blew my mind."


"I don't know luv, maybe it's because it wasn’t a cold, emotionless shag… The way we used to have them during our less than stellar past together."


She smiled somewhat shyly at the reminder. "Yeah, might be it."


She kissed him gently while playing with his tousled bleached hair. "So, where have you been all this time?"


Spike suddenly looked uneasy. "Around."


"Let's try it one more time, being a little more vague." Buffy said, raising an eyebrow at him.


"But that's just it Slayer, I've been around. From Sunnydale to Kenya. Kenya to Morocco, to Spain. France, England... Around seemed like a good word to describe it."


"And of course, I would waste my time if I’d asked you what the Hell you were doing all the way across the planet?”


"I needed time to think. Clarify things about myself. Try to find out who I really am I guess."


"So you went to Tibet to meditate?" She joked, trying to get information from him.


"Not exactly."


"I'm not gonna get anything from you today, am I?"


"Sorry pet. It's not that I don't want to tell you, I just don't know how to say it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about it."


She cuddled up against him with her head resting on his shoulder. "It's ok, you'll tell me when you feel like it. We don't have to talk." She caressed one sharp cheekbone with the tip of her finger, down the side of his face, finally resting her fingers on his full lips. He sucked lightly on her fingertips, then smiled down at her.


"You look tired Spike. Wanna sleep some more?"


He closed his eyes, and rested his head on the pillows with a sigh. "Mmm, yeah. Didn't get much sleep lately. Nightmares and Giles's bunkbed, not the best combination for a good night of..."


His eyes shot open when he realized what he had just said. Buffy sat straight up and stared wide-eyed at him.


"Excuse me? What did you just say? You stay with Giles?.. He knew that you were back?! For how long were you here?!?"


"Which question did you want me to answer exactly..."


"Spike!"


"Okay, okay! Don't get your knickers in a twist Slayer. I've been here for a week... and a half."


"He knew. Why did you go to him? Why did he let you stay with him? He fucking knew and he didn't tell me?! I'm so gonna kick his ass for that!"


"Buffy... Don't blame him, it's not his fault. I asked him not to tell you. He just kept his word, is all. When I got to London at the beginning of the summer, he was there to get his stuff before moving back to Sunnydale. I ended up, God knows how, on his doorstep. He helped me deal because it turned out the soddin soul isn't as much fun as I.." Once again, Spike realized, at Buffy's face, that he put his foot in his mouth. "Bugger"


"What did you say?" Buffy paled, her eyes slowly filling up with tears. "What are you talking about?"


"Buffy... I'm sorry pet. I didn't want you to find out like that."


"A... soul? You… got... your soul?"


"Yeah." he said softly, not daring to say anything else. Lifting his head to look at her, he saw that she was now crying. He smiled sadly.


"Bloody great. I did it to make you smile, but it seems like all I always manage to get from you are tears, no matter what I do."


She unexpectedly threw her arms around his neck, embracing him almost painfully. Hiding her face in his shoulder, she tried to control her sobbing to no avail. "I'm sorry. It's just a lot to take." she managed to choke out between two sobs. "I'll smile later, ok?"


"Shhh, it's ok pet. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."


After a few minutes, she pulled away from him.


"How.. How did you do it? I mean... There’s no super market for souls. And besides, demons don’t want souls. That's a well-known fact. Angelus would have rather staked himself than getting is soul back. And, you... Why?"


"God Buffy, it's so complicated, I don't even know where to start." he ran his fingers through his hair wearily, not looking at her. "Last year has been tough for both of us."


"I know, I was there, remember.?" She tried to joke.


He smiled sadly. "Yeah. Last year, I fooled myself into thinking that I was not the monster that I was. I really believed it Buffy. I thought I was good enough for you. When you were telling me that I was just a soulless evil... thing.."


Tears started falling from Buffy's eyes again as memories came flooding back.


"I didn't really believe it.” He continued. “I thought it was just stupid excuses for not being with me. Excuses to hurt me without feeling guilty about it. But that night... I realized that you were right all along."


"Spike..."


"No. Now it's my turn not wanting to be interrupted. I need to say this. I love you Buffy. I really do. More than I thought possible. When you died, the pain I felt from your lost was just unbearable. So many times I wanted to kill myself, make it stop. You're everything to me, and despite all that love, I still managed to hurt you in the end. What I did that night was unthinkable and there is no excuse for it no matter what you say. The worst part is that I only understood the extend of what I had done after it was too late. I guess that's when I got it: I can play man as much as I want, the monster is not dead. It’s always there inside of me. There would always be a moment when I could lose control of it and it would come forward and hurt the ones I love. I understood why you couldn't trust me. Because I couldn't be trusted. It’s as simple as that. As long as I didn't know what I was, as long as I hadn’t chose what I wanted to be, man or monster, I couldn't stay around you. And since I can't stay away from you... the conclusion seemed logical to me. I heard of a demon in Africa that could grant wishes to those strong enough to endure his trials. So I went, endured the trials, and got the soul."


"Then… then what?" She asked, barely loud enough for him to hear.


"Then I wandered around, lost and confused. Not sure of whom I was, and where I was. I wasn't entirely there, I'm shamed to admit. The horror and guilt was a little more than overwhelming during the first month. I have no idea how I got to London. No idea at all. All I know is that I found Rupert's place somehow. Rup found me on his doorstep just before sunrise one morning, and took me in. Through my mad rambling, he understood that I got my soul back. So he stayed with me for a week, to help me deal, before going back to Sunnydale."


"He left you there all alone after only a week?! What is he? Heartless?"


"Honestly pet, there wasn't much he could have done for me. He provided me with a roof, and a fridge full of blood. That's all I needed. And he called me pretty much everyday."


"Spike, I'm not worth all that pain."


"Of course you are Buffy. You're worth every second of it."


She went back into his arms, and after a moment, giggled softly, lost in her thoughts.


"What's funny pet?"


"It's just.. Can you imagine Angel's face when I tell him all that?"


Spike grinned happily at the thought.


"I can just imagine how the conversation would go. ‘Hi Angel! How are you doing? Me? Peachy. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. You know Spike... remember? Your childe that gets on your nerves sooo much? Well, we're in love, and he got his soul back for me. So, anything new in your life?"


"Oh, the Poof would stay catatonic for at least a year. His hair would go flat with the shock." Spike added, a dreamy look on his face.


"We'll tell him if it makes you happy. Promise."


"Really? You're not just saying that?" he asked, hopeful.


She grinned evilly at him. "Dead serious baby. You look like you could use some major cheering up."


"I think I have all the cheering up I need right here in my arms." He kissed her.


They lay back down on the bed just holding each other and spent the rest of the evening like that.


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"Faith, what you did last night was really as stupid as it gets. Of all the people you could have been flirting with, you had to go for William the Bloody. Nice choice."


Lilah was pacing, completely aggravated by the Slayer who obviously couldn't care less. Faith was sprawled on her bed, filling her nails.


"Why would you go for the Bleached Wonder anyway sweetheart? He does have a nice ass, but he's annoying as hell. Believe me, I've been there, I know."


"I didn't know it was Spike, ok? Met the guy once, and I was still a little weird about being in Buffy's body at the time. And when I did recognize him, it just made it more fun. After all, how could he recognize me? I was wearing Buffy's body when I met him."


Faith got up, looking defiantly at Lilah. "You know what? This is pointless. First, I didn't ruin your plans. I just had a night out. My first in a year by the way."


"You didn't ruin our plans because I got there in time to stop you."


Faith ignored her. "Second, who cares if it was Spike. He hates Buffy. What would it change if he knows we're here?"


"For your information Faith" Gavin clarified, with that annoying teacher's pet look on his face, "Spike has been working for the Slayer for almost two years now. So yes, it does matter if he knows."


"Whatever."


"You know, none of this would have happened if you hadn't forced the girl to sneak out. If you had gone with her Lilah, nothing would have happened, and everybody would be happy. Now Faith, we'll fix it. Let's go out together. What do you say?"


Faith looked at him reluctantly, but then, she gave a quick glance at Gavin and Lilah and grabbed her jacket.


"No riots, scout’s honor."


Before the lawyers could protest, they were both out the door.


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When Spike woke up in the morning, he was alone in bed. He sat up and looked around the room sleepily. The Slayer was standing in the middle of the bedroom, holding a white cotton sheet around her body with one hand, her other arm hanging by her side. There was a sheet of paper held loosely in her hand. She didn't make a sound, but he knew she was crying. Getting out of bed, he walked up to her, putting his hands on her shoulders.


"What's wrong luv?"


She leaned back against him, not answering. So he took the paper out of her hand to look at it.


It was a drawing. Rather beautiful drawing actually. The two of them in bed, sleeping in a very intimate position, their bodies entangled closely. The artist was quite talented. No signature. Didn’t matter, it would have been unnecessary. He knew.


"God Buffy, I'm so sorry. I should have said something, but I wasn't sure enough."


"You knew? How did you find out?"


"The other night, when you went to the old high school, I thought I saw him with Faith. But they were so far away, and I didn't have enough time to make sure it was really him. Besides, he could have been just putting on an act to get some insides. I didn't want to upset you without making sure first."


He pulled her up against his chest.


"I'm sorry baby. I can only imagine how you must feel right now."


"No, I'm okay actually. I don't really care. He's been on and off a lot... I'm just so sad for him. He wanted redemption so much... But I'm ok. I'm ready to get it over with this time. I think it's better this way."


"You sure bout that Slayer? Angel's the love of your life... soul mate and all that rot. I though you wanted him to be redeemed so he would be human again and you could live happily ever after..."


Buffy pulled away and looked up at Spike with a mix of shock and anger. "What are you? Deaf or something? Haven't you heard me saying I love you? Do you think I say that to just anybody? Do you think I see you as a consolation price? I can't have my first choice so I'll just settle down for number two? I'm not in love with Angel anymore, haven't been for a while. I will always love him, as a friend, but I'm not in love with him. I love you, you moron!" She kissed him.


"Love you too Buffy."


"C'mon now, let's go tell the gang about the good new."


"Which one pet?" He asked her with a smirk.


Buffy sighed heavily. "Crap."

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