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Chapter 26


Spike slowly walked out the backdoor, seeing Buffy standing at the top of
the steps, a few feet away. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she
stared out into the backyard.

“Hello, Spike,” she said softly, a gentle smile playing on her lips.

“How’d you know it was me, luv?” Spike asked with a smile as he stepped up
to stand beside her.

“I always know when it’s you,” she whispered, causing Spike to look over at
her.

He stared at her for a long moment before speaking. “When did you grow up
so much?”

Buffy gave him a smile as she shook her head. “My guess would be right
after Michael was born. Is that a bad thing?”

“No,” Spike said quickly. “It’s just you’re so different. Still the same
girl I was originally attracted to, but not…”

“But not a girl anymore,” Buffy finished for him.

“Yeah,” he said softly.

“I had to do a lot of maturing in a short period of time.”

Spike nodded as they stood in silence. “Why did you disappear?” he asked
after a minute. “I couldn’t even get your mum to tell me where you were.”

“You made it pretty clear that you didn’t want to be with me,” Buffy said
quietly. “And then you made it clear that you didn’t want the baby.”

Spike clenched his jaw in frustration. “I always wanted you,” he whispered,
neither making eye contact as they stared into the shadows of the night. “I
wanted you and I wanted…I want the baby, but it was a lot to absorb and I
just didn’t have the time I needed. A week later you were gone.”

“I wanted to stay,” Buffy whispered. “But it was too hard here. All the
whispers and the gossip and the judgments. I just needed to be able to do
something for myself.”

“I came after you, you know.” Buffy finally turned to look at him as he
looked at the ground. “It…I was too late…you’d already gone.” Spike turned
to look at her with sad eyes. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry…for
everything.”

“Don’t be,” Buffy said softly with a slight shrug. “I’m not.” She had to
smile at the confused look on his face as she continued. “Spike, you gave
me something that I’ve never regretted…not for one day. Not for one minute.
Even when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. Even when I felt too
exhausted to go on…he made it better. From every little kick that he gave
me when I was pregnant to the way he smiles at me today…he is my
strength. He’s why I’m here.”

“I wish I could have been there,” Spike said in a whisper. “I wish I could
go back and not act like such a ponce. Just say ‘sod it’ to anything that
stood in our way and tried to make it work. Maybe then you wouldn’t be
with…”

Spike trailed off, not knowing if he wanted to get into this conversation tonight.

“You can ask about him, you know,” she whispered. “I know you’re probably
curious.”

“Is he good to Michael?”

“I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t,” Buffy replied.

“So, you’re still with him?”

“I don’t know,” Buffy said with a sigh, avoiding Spike’s eyes. “We had a fight. Granted
it was the worst fight we’ve ever had, but I can only imagine the stress he’s under.
Although, it’s probably nothing compared to the stress you and I are dealing with,”
she added with a smile. “But I hardly think I’d be gracious in a similar situation.”

“I guess not,” Spike agreed, deciding to give the other man the benefit of
the doubt, even if he did hate him. “Is he good to you?”

“I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t,” Buffy repeated with a smile. “I
wouldn’t bring someone into Michael’s life that I wasn’t…”

“That you weren’t sure about?” Spike asked, feeling his chest tighten.

“Yeah,” she whispered, sitting down on the top step.

Spike took a deep breath, sitting next to her and propping his arms up on
his knees.

“Did you ever…”

“What?” he asked her gently.

“Have you been seeing anyone?”

“No,” he said quickly.

“Why?” she whispered, glancing at him.

“Because I could never get you out of my mind. You were…you are everywhere.”

“I wasn’t going to,” she whispered, looking down at her hands.

“Weren’t going to what, luv?”

“Move on,” she murmured. “That’s not even the right term for it. I didn’t move on…I couldn’t. But he was there and I desperately needed someone to be there. I needed emotional support and friendship and there were all these voices in my head that were telling me I couldn’t live my life waiting for…”

Spike watched her carefully, seeing the tears come to her eyes.

“Waiting for me,” he finished sadly.

“Yeah,” she whispered. “But I couldn’t wait for you and not want you to come for me at the same time. So I tried to be normal. Or as normal as a teenager with a baby can be. I had a few close friends and they set me up on a few dates that didn’t amount to anything. Then this nice guy comes along and he’s…he’s the exact opposite of you and yet sometimes he seems exactly the same…does that make sense?”

“Perfectly,” Spike muttered.

“I didn’t want anything serious,” she continued. “Just dinner and a movie. Just a night out to have fun and then go home to my little boy, but he was just so persistent and…and you probably don’t want to hear this,” she said, with a soft smile.

“Actually, I really do,” Spike replied, wanting to know what it had been like for her.

“He was a nice guy, he was good to Michael, he just…”

“What, luv?”

“He wasn’t you,” she whispered, the tone of her voice letting him know that it was a fault of Angel’s and not something she willingly looked for. The same tone also let him know that what she was saying was not meant to be taken as anything more than words. It wasn’t an invitation to get back together or even hold her, it was merely her way of telling Spike that she missed him.

“And then he told me he loved me and…”

Spike was desperately trying to get a hold of his emotions and get
enough control to ask his next question. “Do you love him?”

Buffy stared into the blanket of darkness, sighing as she shook her head.
“I don’t believe in love,” she whispered.

Spike turned to face her in disbelief. “What?”

“Love is just a figment of people’s imaginations,” she said softly. “It’s
just…lust and obsession and fear of being alone that causes people to think
they’re in love. I’m not that naïve anymore.”

Spike could feel the shock seeping through his body at her words. “What
about your family?”

“I believe in that,” Buffy whispered. “I believe in loving someone through a blood link, but as far as falling in love…I just don’t believe it exists.”

“So…you’re telling me that what we had was lust, obsession, and fear? Is
that all we had, Buffy?”

She let out a mirthless laugh as she shook her head. “WE didn’t have
anything, Spike. YOU had an easy lay and I had a crush that manifested.”

“You weren’t an ‘easy lay’, Buffy,” he said, shaking his head. “I never
thought of you that way.” Spike looked over, staring at her for a long
minute before she turned to look him in the eye. “You don’t believe that
what we had was special?” he asked, fearing her answer.

Buffy gave him a small smile. “What we had wasn’t real,” she whispered.

“It created something real.”

Buffy sat in silence, unable to argue with that as Spike got to his feet.

“I should get going,” he murmured.

“Spike,” she said softly, standing up as he turned to walk away. “There’s something
I need to know.” Buffy waited until he turned to face her before
continuing. “Back when we were…”

She trailed off, taking a shaky breath. “It’s just…I remember that I
believed I did at some point, even if I don’t believe it now, and I just
needed to know…did you love me?”

Spike stared at her with his feelings plainly shown in his eyes as he took a step forward. He slowly reached up to cup her face in his hands before brushing a tender kiss to her lips. “Then…now…and every moment in between.”





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