He’d given her a key. Not surprisingly as he loved her and wanted his home to be her home, and it was, even if Xander wouldn’t budge from the couch as he watched sci-fi crap and munched himself out of junk food. But a key meant that she didn’t have to give notice, and until this moment, she never thought she would need to give it. Never thought she would need to screen her boyfriend’s visitors so that he wouldn’t be caught in a way that would destroy their relationship.
A woman’s voice floated out of the bedroom as Buffy stood terrified just inside the front door. As her heart slowed in fear, she took those vital steps closer so she could hear every vile sound and word that was already in the process of tearing her world apart.
“But Spike, you have to go back. Things have changed too much. You’re destroying my life by being here.”
“Oh, that’s rich, Anyanka. ‘M not goin’ back. Buffy loves me here. In the other time, she dumped me and everything was miserable. You were miserable. So how the bloody hell have I mucked things up?”
“Look, I can’t tell you, all right. All I can say is that if you stay in this timeline you’ll ruin everything. You’ll do more damage to Buffy by staying than you will if you go back.”
“That’s complete bollocks. Only life I’m doin’ damage to would be yours, and you chose to be a vengeance demon again and you know Harris won’t go with a demon, so you were well on the way to ruin before I ever made that stupid wish—”
“Ooh, see! You called it a stupid wish. If it’s so stupid you won’t mind going back. So what if Buffy is all damaged from digging herself out of her own grave, she might take you back if you end the wish. You just don’t know—”
“I bleeding well know that the chit hates me and uses me. Here she loves me, like I always wanted her to. I’m not bloody going back, so stop trying to make me.”
Buffy had made it to the doorway, had confirmed that those talking were clothed, if not decent. The words, words that told her nothing was as she thought it had been; that he was more different than she thought. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she watched him, saw his eyes darken in fear as he took her presence in and looked quickly to make sure Anya was still really in his room and arguing that he return to the original timeline.
“Who is this?” Buffy pushed through tight lips. Lips in pain already from the loss of Spike’s kisses.
He opened his mouth to reply, his voice coming a fraction too late to complete the task when Buffy waved her hand and cut him off.
“Never mind, I don’t really want to know. You said Vengeance demon, so I’m guessing some kind of payback is her job. Was coming back in time and making me fall for you your payback for my other self using you? I guess if that other me hates you then she doesn’t treat you very nicely. Are you like this there? Or are you a lot more evil, more like a soulless demon is meant to be like?”
She felt a spark of hope as he cringed at her words, his fear escalating as she took steps back from him.
“Buffy, love, let me explain. It isn’t like that. I loved you there and I love you here. That isn’t the point. Lots of things happened differently in that other time and I accidentally made a wish that brought me back here and I thought if we tried at this time, before you had your heart broken by the poof then—”
“So you intentionally changed my future so that it benefited you? How could you do that to me and say you love me? It sounds like you were using me this time. What a fantastic use of your vengeance girlfriend.”
Spike’s eyes went round. “She’s not my girlfriend. Buffy, I only love you. For ages, it’s only been you.” He tried to rush her, take her in his arms and felt his heart shrivel as she backed away from him, her hand raised and silently telling him to keep his distance.
“No. I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you.” Her body shivered at his stark expression, the hurt on his face at her words. But she was in so much pain, was crumbling with her confusion and couldn’t deal with his arms around her. Arms that had always made her feel safe and loved and as if there was hope that she might survive longer than the average Slayer.
“So much of my life you have kept from me. You’ve lied to me about myself. I feel like you’ve taken advantage of me and made me into something I wasn’t meant to be.”
“NO! That’s wrong. I made you into what you COULD be. I made sure the things that could destroy you in your future don’t even come near to hurtin’ you. Come on, just sit down and we can talk this out, yeah?”
“No.” She backed away even further, turned her haunted green eyes on the girl whose words had started the tumbling collapse of her world. She was pretty. She could see how Spike would go to her, and demon! They could live together forever, where she would probably only have a couple of years to be happy with him.
“Just stay away from me. I don’t want to talk to you, or see you right now.”
And she turned her back and ran, left behind the one place where she had found a sanctuary, and felt her heart tear as she said a quiet goodbye to Spike.
She should have known it was too good to be true.
~*~*~*~*~
“Eureka!”
Jenny jumped as Giles shouted his satisfaction, quickly surmising that he had finally cracked the curse. She felt the cold that had existed within her from the moment she knew her life was in danger slowly being to seep out and warmth replace it. They were done, had completed the job and now had the opportunity of making everything right again. Set everything back on track in each of their worlds and make Angel the safe and redemptive vampire that he had sought to be.
“Are you sure?” Her voice was filled with relief despite the questioning. She believed in Rupert. Other than herself, she trusted no one else to have deciphered the long dead curse but Rupert. And now it was complete and all she could think to do was rush and get the implements that would guarantee a little bit of safety in her corner of the world again.
At his nod she jumped to her feet and retrieved the collection of herbs and the ever-important orb.
He was grinning like a loon when she set it all in front of him, giddy with his success and the power of what they were about to do.
“Oh, I do hope you didn’t waste any money buying one of these. I have an orb at the library that I use rather efficiently as a paperweight.”
Jenny smiled at the image and shook her head, happy to let him think she must have had a spare lying around also.
It took time to set everything up, to set out the papers and read carefully through the whole translation to be sure everything made sense and was in order. Right on the brink, candles lit, and Giles’s door flew open and slammed against the wall.
The two adults blinked at Buffy as she ran through, tears heavy in her eyes and her lips trembling passionately in grief.
“He’s been lying to us, Giles. Everything was just him playing with us. A vengeance demon, wishes, how can I trust him now? How can I believe in anything? How can I love anyone again? I can’t do this. I can’t even look at him. I don’t want anyone else. But how could he do that to me, Giles?”
“Oh Buffy. I’m sure it wasn’t meant like that.” Giles watched his feet and wondered if maybe he could assuage some of his own guilt with a pot of tea, quickly discarding his own needs as Buffy continued her miserable recount of loss and disbelief.
“Then how was it meant? I just don’t know what to do. I can’t believe in anything anymore. Why did he stop me from dusting Angel? There could be another reason. An evil reason. I don’t know what to do, Giles. I don’t think I can go out there and fight anymore. How can I trust what is going on around me. Is he evil or good? I just don’t know.” She collapsed on his sofa, sobbing brokenly in her hands and completely painful to watch. “What’s real, Giles? I don’t know what’s real.”
She was building herself up into a mess of fear, allowing herself to be consumed with useless distrust and becoming weak with her lack of faith in the world.
Giles looked at his charge helplessly, then back at Jenny and the spread out preparations for the spell. Then he came to a decision.
“Th-there is something…in the Watcher’s Diaries. A quest. It might take a day or two. I-I could perhaps take you and you could seek some answers.”
He expected witty comebacks about Holy Grail quests and the like, but her emotional confusion was such that she was silent, her soft sobs the only noise against her agreeing nods.
“Can we go now? I need to know what’s going on, what the real truth is.”
Giles looked again at the ingredients and silently asked Jenny if she could cope with it on her own. She nodded hesitantly and looked longingly at him even as he turned back to his slayer. Even she could see that the girl was in no shape to fight, to stand up and defend them against demons and threats of the night. Whatever it was that Rupert could find to get her back on track and answer whatever it was that had devastated her, then it was something they needed. Not just Buffy, but all of them.
Giles made a quick trip around his flat, gathering some things and changing his clothes, and then took the distraught Buffy by the arm and led her outside and to his car. Jenny was left to contemplate her array of herbs and the dull and empty orb before sitting cross-legged on the floor and beginning.
It was a tumultuous time for all of them, but if she could take out just one of the complications, rid them of just one of the scary nightmares, maybe, just maybe they’d be okay.
As long as she didn’t leave the flat until the spell was done, as long as she didn’t take any risks while Rupert was gone, she had her thing to do.
She could only try.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
“How was I supposed to know she was snooping behind the door? You’re the vamp, why didn’t you do any of that gross sniffing and know she was here?”
“Because I was bloody distracted by your unreasonable requests.”
“Unreasonable. Unreasonable? Huh! I hardly think that my trying to prevent you ruining my future is unreasonable.”
“An’ what exactly am I doin’ that is so bleeding wrong? I think it’s time you left and found some other poor sucker who needs to cause some pain. You’ve more than filled your quota here.”
He turned his back and missed her frustrated foot stomping before she teleported out of his bedroom. But he could smell the magic, and even if he couldn’t smile at having her gone, he could sigh his relief.
It was just typical. He’d gone back years into his past to prevent this kind of emotional trauma. He’d hurt Buffy. By keeping the real circumstances of his existence from her, he’d caused more damage, hurt their relationship. How much he didn’t know, but by the way she ran out of his place, by the look on her face, he was guessing quite a bit.
Before he could grab his duster and leave, Xander came barreling through the door.
“Hey there majorly unscary Vamp Man. What was wrong with the Buffster? She shot out here like you were trying to burn her booty.”
“Nothing you need to worry ‘bout. Where you think she’d run to these days when she’s upset?”
“No clue. Come on, Captain Clairol, how about I help you with the searching.”
Spike locked the door behind them and they started looking for Buffy.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
It was chilly. Giles had parked in the middle of the desert. It looked like there was no car park, only endless miles of sand and wind. Pulled up on a dune with nothing but a scraggly bush and a tree for a break in the scenery.
She was struggling to care, feeling more like everything in her life had suddenly broken down and took on the ominous shade of dull grey, almost like clear static on a television. Drab. Lifeless. Empty.
But it was a struggle. She needed for Giles to think she wasn’t finished, wasn’t surrendering totally to the devastation she felt by having Spike’s lies rip her heart out. So she tried to be Buffy for him, tried to see some meaning in this little trip she found herself on. Even if she didn’t believe it could possibly get her the answers she needed to move on from this.
She didn’t want to have a life without Spike. The weeks, months had bound her heart to him, but how could she ever trust him now? How could she believe in him when he was obviously not who he had pretended to be?
Her cheeks seemed to be perpetually wet, crying out endless tears of loss. And then Giles was at the trunk of the car—no explanation of what she was here to do, of where they were or how they would go about receiving these answers he had promised her.
“What’s in the trunk?” Her natural Slayer curiosity took over in an effort to hide her from the pain that was not dimming at all as the minutes dragged by.
“Supplies.”
“Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like, food, water, maybe a compass?” For the first time since she’d walked in on Spike’s little conversation, she felt a weak smile tease her lips. It strengthened a little as Giles straightened up with his armful of resources.
“What about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs?” he offered as if it were the most normal gathering of items ever.
“I don't think I'll be that hungry.” Inwardly she was laughing, just outwardly the unusual situation just made her want to cry some more.
“They're for me. Come on, this way.”
And they were off; heading further in a direction that Buffy was just as lost in. Her boots were all scrunchy in the sand. She sank in a ways and took step after step into dry nothingness.
“Well, this is kinda good for the calf muscles, and as good as that is, it’s not all with the answers.”
“Ha ha, Buffy. You see, the location of the sacred place is a guarded secret. I can't take you there myself.”
Buffy stopped short and looked at the endless sand, the heat haze that did little to disguise the fact that there was just nothing hidden that they didn’t already see.
“Uhuh,” Buffy said, her voice filled to the brim with her disbelief.
“I'll have to perform a ritual to ... transfer my guardianship of you, temporarily, to, to a guide. This'll do.”
Abruptly they stopped, unsurprisingly in a small expanse of sand that again held no answers to secrets. Giles began putting down his burden as Buffy’s eyes slowly looked around, took in the dry nothingness all around her and trying to sense this mystical guide that Giles seemed almost ready to surrender her to.
“A guide but no food or water. So it leads me to the sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?” She thought about that for a second and her shoulders slumped miserably. “On second thoughts, that sounds good to me.”
“Oh good, because it takes more than a week to bleach bones, Buffy.”
She couldn’t help but crack a grin as Giles kneeled in the sand and began arranging his little armful of twigs in a circle around himself.
“So, how's it start?” Her natural curiosity was taking over the pain she still felt in her heart. It felt good to grab hold of something else and try to forget, block it out and find something of interest that could direct her elsewhere.
“I, uh, jump out of the circle and then jump back in it, and then, um ... “ He cringed a little and shifted from foot to foot in embarrassment. “I shake my gourd.”
It was impossible to resist.
“I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.”
His dirty look almost put her in her place. It might have worked if she had been anyone but the slayer.
“Go quest.”
Giles looked more than cute as he sighed and rolled his eyes, taking up his important position beside the circle of twigs and then jumped in, and out, shaking his gourd after a very short wait. He looked at Buffy, knowing without question he hadn’t ended yet his humiliation.
“And that’s what it’s all about.”
It didn’t take long for Buffy to become jealous of Giles. She was one for all the action usually, and now all she had to do was to stand around and wait for her guide. She watched with diminishing interest as he sat within the circle and began to read from his book. It sounded like something weird, perhaps Swahili, though it wasn’t like Buffy could tell. Whatever it was, it didn’t look like it was happening fast. She was left with no choice but to wander, try and find somewhere she could rest and think over her day, sort out her options and decide how far she could run away before no one could find her.
Giles’s voice began to fade as she wandered further away, venturing into the vast distance of sand that she feared she could disappear in forever. It matched everything she wanted in answer of her day. A mental numbness where she didn’t have to think, didn’t really need to see because unless she closed her eyes she was unlikely to come across something new.
Except she did see something new, something unexpected, but it wasn’t even as shocking as what it could have been. The mountain lion lying out so relaxed on the sand seemed like a gift to her frame of mind and she welcomed its presence with a mix of seeking an end to her pain from whatever means worked.
“Hello, kitty.”
Buffy followed the big cat as it rippled its powerful shoulders and moved the big fleshy paws along the sand. Out of nowhere appeared a passageway of rocks, a pass for her to encounter the secret place that she would never have found on her own. It was all set out, a big comfy rock all conspicuous in the middle of a spread of sandy desert and small bushes and spindly trees.
“I know this place.”
And she did. She knew it from somewhere so deep inside herself she never had a clue it was hidden there. Something so fundamental to the slayer within her that she could be nothing and no one else. She knew it so deeply that her comfort allowed her to drift, to fall into that abyss where she was always safe. Where she always knows. And where she always is.
When she awoke it was to face heat. More heat than before—a burning furnace of a fire that raged under control in front of her. She could only stare at the first Slayer as the image of her dark painted skin shimmered through the flames.
It numbed her mind. Her eyes were drawn to the darkness of the First Slayer’s and she found meaning in the connection.
“I know you. You're the first Slayer.” She paused, confused at the inherent knowledge. “ How do I know that?”
“This is a form. I am the guide. All will be clear. Be patient.”
“I have a few questions…about Spike. About who he is. About who I am and what he took away from me.”
“You think he took away your rightful path. Fooled you into a love that was not real.”
Though the flames obscured the person, the words hit Buffy hard; put into a form of finality the fears of what advantage he had taken by being in her future and coming into the past in order to manipulate it to his favour.
“Yes,” she admitted painfully, never letting her eyes fall from the figure of her guide despite the blur that was making everything a see of red and yellow.
“You’re afraid that the vampire has made your life a lie. Has changed your path to something not deserving of your power.”
“Yeah, that’s kinda it exactly.” The tears were gathering in her eyes and Buffy was ready to just give in and jump into the fire, allow it to take her over and put an end to the pain. It hurt so much, lanced so cleanly and yet stung until more tears brought even more tears.
“Look into the fire. Embrace the pain and see what your vampire has taken from you. Be one with who you would have been and feel your power over the soulless.”
And her eyes were drawn to the banked flames; fell into the roar of it as she became one with herself.
Became who she was always meant to be.
The flash within the orb had been fractured. Jenny looked at it now as the light faded back to darkness and realised that the spell had failed. She knew it in her gut and so sat tight where she was, not moving a muscle as the fear she had staved off for the past months began to seep deep into her psyche.
The overwhelming feeling of not knowing what else to do came over her as she tried to stop the shaking of her body. She felt a buzz from the magic, but it was minimal due to the spell’s failure. She was lacking the high that always settled with the success of achieving the goal, yet somewhere in her depths of magical knowledge she knew that it wasn’t the spell itself that failed. Nor did the reasoning fall amongst a lack of power on her own behalf. There was something wrong elsewhere, and as all the rest of the magic lay in the herbs and the beginnings of the soul capture had begun, it seemed reasonable that the fault lay in the orb itself.
A few subtle words and she revealed the crack. The burst of destructive magic from within that had destroyed their chances. Had made her efforts nothing but time wasting and twiddling thumbs.
But at least it wasn’t the spell. Wasn’t the words that had been recovered from over a hundred years of being hidden. Everything was still possible, was still to go as soon as she retrieved another orb. The orb that protected Rupert’s stack of papers from flying around his office.
But it could wait for daylight. They could wait another day.
Jenny Calendar could wait another day.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
They’d searched most of the night and found no trace of her. Her scent had faded from all the places both Spike and Xander had thought to look, and instead they were left with little but frustration.
In Spike’s heart, though, he didn’t think she was in trouble. Just finding distance to protect herself. Not like he could blame her. He’d screwed it all up, and how bloody predictable was that? He should have known, done more than suspect that it would happen eventually.
There was nothing he could do now but wait. Wait and hope that when she was ready to be found, she would let him. Would allow him to let her in on exactly what he’d done and maybe forgive him for it, if she couldn’t find it within her to continue to love him.
He’d almost got the boy home when he felt them. Felt the insidious cold that always came with their presence, though he’d never noticed till now. Calculating their closeness as closing in, he grabbed Xander’s arms and pulled him faster up the stairs to their door. Over his shoulder he could see a blur of black and he dived for the door to his flat, holding both arms of his unlikely friend and shoved him hard through the door. The wood buckled under the weight and the boy ended up sprawled painfully on his back on the floor amongst splinters of wood.
When he regained his sense, Xander looked back to the open space where his front door used to be and saw Spike being torn apart by the combined efforts of his own sire and grandsire. Knowing Spike’s family tree only made the sight more chilling as he watched the vampire be torn to ribbons—too fast for the gem to heal him instantaneously—coating the hall in the red of his borrowed blood.
He did nothing, stayed in his bruised position on the floor while his landlord was beaten and taken. It seemed only minutes as Spike was overwhelmed and then carried away, feral snarls keeping Xander behind the safety of the vacant doorframe. Never before had he been so grateful to have moved in with Spike and made his place a sanctuary from evil.
But now Spike was in trouble, and they couldn’t find Buffy. Spike had prevented them entering Giles’s place earlier as the overpowering scent of magic wasn’t quite strong enough for him to rule out the lack of presence of Buffy or her watcher. He didn’t know what else to do. He’d have to go out and hope he could find Giles. In the dark. While vamps roamed around and looked for dinner.
He’d be best to just sit and wait a bit. He couldn’t help Spike now.
He needed Buffy.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
She melted into the arms of her lover and felt the depth of his feeling for her. Felt it all as he coddled and loved her into womanhood before destroying her heart with his evil. She moved on to his death, swirling in his darkness until her sword found his chest and hell was denied access to her world once again.
The images rushed her—the face of her love, of her denial, of her choice and her failure. The ones that left her, her mother as well as the new men that hurt her more, made her hide behind the walls of her heart until there was nothing left for her to give out.
Spike. She saw him as he was and as he could have been, saw him as he loved and hated her. Saw him as he fought her, called her dance and then tied her up to make her still, to make her listen to his protestations. Make her see him, and ignore him, and yearn for him while all the time denying him.
The blood of that other Slayer, the future that had been denied to her flowed from one existence to another until every experience belonged to them both. Both had held him in betrothment, broken his nose in hatred and irritation. Kept him as far on the edge as reality would allow while ignoring everything about him, denying his ability to be, to love, to feel.
She shook as it all flowed into her, crossed into her body and became her new existence. It was all that she was, all that she was being right now.
Her death rocked everything and it all became clearer, the violence and the trauma of denied love even as she wanted it. Wanted to submit to him and let him be everything to her that he’d promised. Knew that he could but she was so warped, so broken in her heart and head to accept it.
Her previous existence was damaged. Spike came back and retrieved her innocence, gave her back a strength and belief in herself that she should never have been robbed of
.
It was clear and yet muddied at the same time; two existences lived even as one was eradicated. But merged and meaningful and wondrous and painful. And it was all filled with Spike, with Angel turning his back to her as Spike opened his arms. As Angel balanced on the edge of evil and Spike tipped toward salvation.
But now she knew. What belonged to her and what was out of her reach. What she truly loved and what she had conned herself into believing through youth and gullibility. Spike hadn’t ruined anything. Hadn’t taken anything from her. He’d tried to spare her pain, tried to heal wounds that were too deep to happen in the first time around. Tried to save her from death, but now she felt it. Now she owned that pain though it was tempered by the rationality of a more balanced experience of life.
And she had Spike to thank for it.
Had Spike to believe in.
Had Spike to love.
“Death is your gift. You are both. Your second death you were returned to life. This gift is returned to you. Now you have it for always, so you can be with the one you love forever. Use him wisely and hold him carefully. His heart is vulnerable and he hurts real pain—like you or your kin. Now you are both. Be wise, sister. Be the Slayer.”
And the fire was gone and her guide disappeared. And Buffy had a vampire to love.