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Chapter 16 – Longing to Hear You


Giles was surprised when the door opened to reveal Buffy. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, her skin was pale, and dark circles shadowed the delicate skin under her eyes.

“Hi, Giles,” she said in a weak voice, stepping aside to let him in.

Crossing the threshold, Giles closed the door and followed the Slayer into the living room. His frown deepened when he watched her curl up on the couch, wrapping a blanket around her small form as if she was trying to protect herself.

“How are you?” he asked softly, not really needing an answer, since she was doing a fine job of letting him see how she was.

“I feel alone, Giles,” she whispered, knowing that she could be honest with him. “And I know what you’re going to say,” she continued, cutting him off as he opened his mouth to reply. “You’re going to tell me that I’m not alone. That I have friends and family who care about me and want me to be safe. That I’m strong enough to face anything, but…I’m not,” she murmured.

“And Spike made you feel as if you weren’t alone? That you didn’t have to do this by yourself?”

Buffy nodded looking down at the floor, not trusting herself to respond.

Touching her hand to get her attention, Giles gave her a soft smile. “Do you love him, Buffy?”

Her eyes widened, her mouth dropping open slightly when she realized the question wasn’t accusing and surprisingly wasn’t judgmental. He merely was asking a question, expecting an honest response. “No,” she whispered, shaking her head. “But there’s something…there’s something between us and I can’t explain it. Giles, I can hear him…I know it sounds strange, but when he speaks to me, I can hear him. And now he doesn’t want anything to do with me and…and it’s just this emptiness again. Just this void of nothing, and I’m all alone.”

“And you feel like this all the time?”

“Yeah,” Buffy whispered, nodding slightly. “I don’t know what it is. Is it because I’m the Slayer and have to rely on so many senses? Is it because I wasn’t born this way and now I have to adjust? I just don’t understand.” Pausing for a moment, Buffy let a brief smile flash on her face as she looked at her Watcher. “Who would have thought that silence really is deafening?”

Giles smiled at the comment, relieved to see a small part of the Slayer come shining through. “But the silence speaks as well.”

“Now you’re going to get all proverbial on me.”

“You started it,” Giles said with a grin as Buffy smiled. His face soon turned into a hard mask as he looked down at his hands, making sure that Buffy could still see his lips moving. “What if I was to tell you that it wasn’t Spike’s decision to stop patrolling?”

Staying quiet for a long moment, Buffy shrugged. “He made his choice.”

“What if I were to tell you that he was threatened by someone? Someone whom you know very well, that if he doesn’t stay away from you, he will have to pay the consequences?”

“Riley?” Buffy asked, her eyes widening in disbelief as Giles nodded.

Taking a deep breath, she turned her head away from him, trying to get her thoughts in order.

“Riley threatened to kill him unless he stopped patrolling with me?”

“That’s what I was able to get from Spike.”

Buffy was off the couch in a flash, practically running for the door, not giving Giles a second look as she ran from the house.



“Buffy,” Riley said with a surprised smile as she walked through the door. “What are you-“

“You son of a bitch!” Buffy screamed, restraining herself from slamming her fist into his nose.

“Whoa, what’s wrong, baby?”

“Don’t you dare ‘baby’ me, you bastard!”

Riley was trying to ignore the insults, noticing the tears that were swimming in her eyes. “Talk to me, Buffy, tell me what’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong! What’s wrong, Riley, is that you don’t care about me!”

“That’s not true, I love you.”

“If you loved me, why would you threaten Spike?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

His eyes widening in understanding, Riley hurriedly tried to think of something and decided that a version of the truth was his best option. “He was getting too close to you,” he said, looking into her eyes. “I was worried something could happen to you.”

“Like what?” Buffy asked through gritted teeth.

“What if…what if he hurt you?”

“He can’t,” Buffy said angrily. “The chip.”

“And what if he got someone else to hurt you?”

“Then he would have done it a long time ago, Riley,” she cried in exasperation, throwing her arms up in the air.

“He could have been waiting for you to let your guard down and-“

“Stop,” she cut him off, holding her hand up in warning. “He wouldn’t do that…two years ago…last year, maybe he would have, but it’s different now.”

“Don’t delude yourself- he’s still a monster,” Riley said, shaking his head.

“He’s different now. And if a ‘monster’ can be more open to change than a human being, I’m willing to trust the monster,” Buffy paused, taking a deep breath. “It’s over, Riley,” she whispered.

“Buffy, no,” he said with wide eyes. “Look, I know you’re angry and I’m sorry. I was just trying to keep you safe-“

“Trying to keep me safe?” she cried. “Trying to keep me safe by taking away the one person who can help me?”

“I can protect you.”

“I don’t want protection, Riley,” Buffy said angrily. “I want help. I want the ability to look in the mirror and not see this glaring weakness of mine, and he was doing that. I don’t need a guardian, I need a partner.”

Buffy turned to walk out the door when Riley stopped her. Turning to look at him, she saw the anger clouding his eyes.

“And you want him to be your partner?”

“I want to be able to know that when I patrol I’m safe.”

“I can keep you safe.”

“Have you not listened to a word I’ve said? I want to be safe, not have someone standing watch over me. Spike is able to do that.”

“He’s a soulless thing.”

“Maybe,” Buffy said with a shrug, opening the door. “But I trust him. I trust him more than I trust you.”

Walking outside, Buffy paused to take a deep breath. That was easier than she ever expected. Leaning against a nearby brick wall, she worked on steadying her breathing. Maybe she’d been too hard on Riley, but he had no right to treat her like she was his and dictate her life. She’d already been through that with Angel. She needed someone who treated her as an equal.

But first she had to straighten things out with Spike.





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