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Chapter 20 – Denial & Acceptance


“Love? You…you love me?”

Spike was staring at her through eyes that were filled with so much emotion, Buffy felt short of breath. “I do,” he whispered, waiting for the hardening of her features or the moment when she would shove him away and try to get as far away from him as possible.

“Since when?” she whispered, surprising him by not distancing herself from his embrace as they still sat on the ground.

“Remember the night at the Magic Box? The night when Riley collapsed?”

Buffy nodded, her eyes widening. “The night that I actually heard what you said for the first time?”

It was Spike’s turn for his eyes to widen. “Yeah,” he whispered, his brow furrowed together as he tried to understand what that meant. “I just didn’t know what I was feeling.”

Buffy stayed quiet as he ran his hand gently over her hair.

“Come on, pet, let’s get you home,” he said, trying to change the subject as he helped her to her feet.

“Spike, I don’t think-“

“Leave it, Slayer,” he said in a harsher tone than he intended, regretting it the moment that he saw the hurt in her eyes. Tightening his jaw, he avoided her strong gaze, trying to get his emotions under control before he looked at her again. “It’s not a big deal,” he finally mumbled, feeling her eyes bore into him. “I just don’t want to make a thing out of it.”

“It is a big deal,” Buffy insisted, grabbing his arm and forcing him to turn and look at her.

“Why?” he asked, keeping his expression closed off so she couldn’t see what he was feeling.

“Because that’s not something that you just blurt out and then pretend that it was never said!”

“Look, I know how this will play out. I stand in front of you with my heart on my sleeve and you throw it back in my face. Forgive me for not wanting that to happen tonight.”

“Is that really what you think?”

“Slayer, the only reason you’re standing in front of me is because you lost your hearing. If that wasn’t the case, you would still be barging into my crypt and beating me up for information.” Spike stopped when he noticed the look of pain that crossed her features.

“Maybe,” she murmured, looking down at the ground. “Probably…but things are different now.”

“No, they’re not.”

“Why?” Buffy asked angrily. “Because I have a disability now? Who cares, Spike! Everything that ever led to anything has had events that set it up! Do you think I would have been with Angel if I wasn’t the Slayer?” She ignored his grimace at the mention of Angel as she continued, “Do you think that I would be with Riley if Angel hadn’t left town? Do you think that you would be here if Drusilla hadn’t left you? Because by your reasoning, I shouldn’t be with you, because if Dru didn’t leave you, you wouldn’t have that chip in your head.”

“That doesn’t make one bit of sense,” Spike replied in exasperation.

“Doesn’t it? If I wasn’t deaf, we wouldn’t be standing here right now. If you didn’t have that chip in your head, we wouldn’t be standing here right now. It seems pretty cut and dry to me,” she replied, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Does that mean you love me?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, preparing himself for the answer he knew would be the only and final blow.

Buffy stared at him for a long minute before speaking. “It means…I’m not against the idea.”

Spike’s eyes widened a fraction before closing off his emotions once again. “You don’t know what you mean,” he replied, turning away and walking in the direction of her house.

Buffy stood behind him, fighting the tears in her eyes. She tightened her jaw, slowly following behind him and waiting for him to turn around. When he finally did, Buffy did the one thing she never expected to do again. Walking up to him, she slammed her fist into his jaw, suppressing the smile as he regained his footing.

“What the bloody hell was that for!?” he yelled, holding a hand to his throbbing jaw.

“For being an idiot,” she replied, walking past him.

Spike quickly caught up to her, grabbing her arm and spinning her around. His flashing eyes seemed to turn remorseful as he looked at her face and saw the pain in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“You just…you ask me if I love you, and I give you an honest answer and…why ask me if you already had your mind made up about what I was going to say?”

Spike sighed before looking around the area. They were a few blocks from Buffy’s house, and it was getting late. “Let’s get you home, pet.”

“You’re just going to ignore this, aren’t you?”

“What am I supposed to do?” Spike asked, feeling his heart tighten at the simple words.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy stepped forward, slipping her hand into his, tightening her hold as she looked into his eyes. “You’re supposed to see if this can work.”

“You don’t love me, Buffy,” he whispered in a resigned voice.

“No,” she said softly. “I don’t…but I didn’t love Riley either. Love doesn’t seem to come easy for me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try and see what’s here…because I can tell you right now, I already have more of an understanding relationship with you than I ever did with Riley.”

A slight smile graced Spike’s face as he looked into her eyes, seeing the honesty reflecting in them.

“Walk me home?” she asked, biting her lip as she waited for his answer.

Looking down at their joined hands, his smile broadened. “You know I will.”

Setting a comfortable pace, both stayed quiet, enjoying the simple feel of the other as the walked through the darkened streets. Neither wanted to break the tranquility of the moment, each wanting to remember it forever.

Turning onto Revello, Spike’s hold tightened on her briefly before he moved to let her go. “What are you doing?” Buffy asked, her fingers clasping around his.

“I didn’t think you’d want anyone you know seeing us.”

Buffy frowned. It was definitely going to be a difficult conversation, considering she would have to tell her friends that she had just broken up with Riley and she was starting something with Spike, but she strangely realized that she didn’t care what they thought.

Walking in silence for a few more moments, Buffy climbed one of the steps leading up to the porch and turned to face him. “Spike,” she whispered, taking his other hand in hers, feeling a calming sensation at the linked feeling. “I need to ask you something, and I don’t think you’d lie to me, but-“

“What is it, luv?”

Hesitating for a moment, Buffy took a deep breath. “The chip…if you ever got the chip out, would you-“

“No,” he replied, cutting her off. “I wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

He felt a strange feeling of hurt wash over him at the disbelief in her eyes.

“You don’t believe me?”

“It’s just…you haven’t even had it for a year and-“

“And how could a soulless demon reform in less than a year's time?”

“Well…yeah.”

“Easy answer, luv,” he replied, tucking a lock of silky hair behind her ear. “You.” At her surprised look, he continued, “I’ve been having feelings for you for a long time- I’ve just been ignoring them. You make me want to change, Buffy.”

She felt tears come to her eyes as her chin quivered with emotion. Not giving any thought to what she was doing, Buffy brushed a tender kiss against his lips. She had to smile at Spike’s shocked expression when she pulled away. He’d obviously never expected her to initiate a kiss between them, and the look on his face was priceless.

“I better get inside,” she whispered, reluctance evident in her voice.

“Okay, luv,” Spike said softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Spike felt like he was in heaven as her lips brushed against his once more, eliciting a moan from him before slowly pulling away. “Good night, Buffy.”

Buffy watched as he turned around and disappeared down the street before walking into her house, feeling more relaxed.



Spike had an uneasy feeling the entire walk back to his crypt. He was so distracted by everything that happened with Buffy tonight, he hadn’t been paying attention to his surroundings.

“We need to talk.”

Turning at the sound of the familiar voice, Spike raised an eyebrow, surprised that he’d let his guard down. “What do you want, Soldier Boy?”





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