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Chapter 8


Spike stared at the countertop for a moment grabbing his keys and running out the door, toward the parking lot. “Buffy!”

Buffy turned, hearing her name and not bothering to mask her surprise as Spike came running toward her. She quickly wiped the remaining tears from her eyes, sniffling slightly, as he got closer. “Spike, what’s wrong?” she asked in concern as he got closer.

“We need to talk,” he said, slightly out of breath.

“Here? Now?”

“Now and…maybe it would be better to go back inside.”

Buffy nodded, concerned with the tone of his voice as she followed him back to his apartment. Spike shut the door behind them, leaning against it as Buffy stared at him in confusion.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, as he tilted his head to look at her in the way only he could do.

“It’s nothing, Spike,” Buffy replied, shaking her head as she turned away from him.

Spike crossed the room until he was standing next to her, gently turning her so he could look into her eyes. He frowned when he saw the tears that were slowly rebuilding. “Buffy…tell me.”

“It’s really nothing,” Buffy said with a nervous smile. “Dawnie, she just…she called me mommy.”

Spike stared at Buffy for a moment, feeling a pull toward her that he didn’t want to resist, but he knew he had to. “You shouldn’t be surprised, luv,” he said softly. That’s what you are.”

“No, I’m not,” Buffy said, shaking her head as her voice cracked. “I don’t deserve to be called mommy by a little girl who I abandoned.”

“Says who?” Spike asked gently, causing Buffy’s eyes to snap up to his. She expected him to agree wholeheartedly, not try and make her feel better.

“Me,” Buffy said quietly as her tears spilled over. “I left…I did this and…I just messed everything up.”

Spike watched sympathetically as Buffy cried, avoiding his eyes. “What do you mean, you messed everything up?” he asked softly.

Buffy took a deep breath, raising her eyes to his and feeling her heart break all over again. “I thought I was going away to fix everything. I thought it would be better to leave and get my own life, but now…I didn’t even give it a chance,” she whispered. “I didn’t…I thought I had everything to gain with my whole life ahead of me and instead I lost everything that could have meant anything.”

“You haven’t lost Dawnie,” Spike said in a soft voice.

“Maybe not,” she murmured. “But I still missed everything, Spike. I was off studying and working all the way across the country and I missed things that will never happen again. I was just selfish.”

“You were,” Spike agreed. His tone wasn’t accusing, merely agreeable. “But you’re here now…you’re making an effort.”

“Five years later,” Buffy muttered. “Five years too late,” she corrected.

“Too late for what?” he asked, taking a step closer to her.

“Us,” she whispered, avoiding his eyes.

Spike felt as if he’d had the breath knocked out of him. “Buffy…I’m going to ask you a question,” he said softly. “And I want an honest answer.”

“I can do that,” Buffy whispered.

Spike took a deep breath trying to steady his nerves, taking another step toward her. “Why have you never moved on with anyone else?”

Buffy closed her eyes, feeling more tears slip down her cheeks. “I just couldn’t,” she whispered.

“Why?” Spike asked, desperation lacing through his voice as he stood in front of her, needing to hear her answer.

“Because I love you too much.”

“You mean loved,” he corrected, trying to control the hope that was rapidly building in his heart. “Past tense.”

Buffy shook her head, still not looking at him. “I mean what I said. I just couldn’t move on, not when…”

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does,” Spike insisted forcefully.

“No, it doesn’t, Spike,” she replied, louder than she intended. “You have a good life here and you don’t need me coming back and crying on your shoulder when it’s my fault.” You’ve moved on,” she whispered quietly.

“I’ve moved on,” he repeated, almost trying to convince himself of the fact. Was it bad that he hadn’t given Fred a second thought since he’d last seen her?

“She’s a wonderful woman, Spike,” Buffy said softly, trying to disguise the pain that she was feeling. “I’m sure she’s a wonderful mother figure for Dawnie.”

“What?” Spike asked in surprise as Buffy moved around him toward the front door. “What are you saying?”

Buffy paused, her hand outstretched for the doorknob, before she turned around to face him again. “It means…I know you wouldn’t want to risk history repeating itself. You wouldn’t want to put Dawn through that and you wouldn’t want to go through it again, so I’m sure you waited to find the perfect person for you.”

Buffy took a deep breath, hating herself for being who she was; hating Fred for being the woman she wanted to be. Spike looked down at the floor, his mind turning over everything that had happened in the past week.

‘Is that why I’m with Fred? Because she’s safe? Because she’s nothing like Buffy and I know I won’t get hurt again?’

“I’ll see you later,” Buffy said quietly.

The next thing she knew, Buffy was pressed against the door, as Spike’s hands cupped her face, smashing his lips to hers in a desperate kiss. Buffy could feel her heart hammering in her chest as her hands tangled in his hair, pulling him closer to her as their tongues dueled together, craving the contact.

Both felt complete for the first time in five years, as Spike’s hands dropped to her waist, pulling himself closer to her as he let them slide around to her back, slipping under her shirt to feel the warm skin beneath.

The kiss slowly decreased from passionate to tender, before they reluctantly broke away for air.

The serene calmness the kiss provided, was shattered with the sound of a telephone ringing. Spike nervously licked his lips as he looked into Buffy’s eyes. “I’ll be right back,” he whispered.

Buffy nodded and watched as he went to pick up the phone, feeling fresh tears come to her eyes at the sound of his voice.

“Hello, Fred.”





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