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Chapter 2


“What the bloody hell are you doing here?” Spike asked in a low tone, his
voice almost coming out as a growl.

Buffy swallowed nervously as she set eyes on the man in front of her. The
boy that she’d left standing in shock five years ago was now replaced with
a man. Spike was more filled out than she remembered. His cheekbones more
angular, his chest broader, and his eyes definitely held more anger than she
ever remembered seeing.

Buffy stood, almost mesmerized as she stared at him. The years had done
nothing to diminish the love she still felt for this man.

“I…”

“Spit it out, Buffy, I haven’t got all day,” Spike said, fire flashing in
his eyes as he stared at her.

“I had to see her,” she murmured, almost fearing his reaction.

Spike merely raised an eyebrow, obviously not about to give an inch where
his anger was concerned.

“So, after five years, you just decided to make a quick visit home to check
on the daughter you abandoned?”

Buffy stayed quiet, knowing that this was long past due.

“She’s not here,” Spike finished, looking into Buffy’s eyes. She hadn’t
changed that much. Her hair was longer with the natural curl showing and
she had lost a little weight, but the years had obviously been good to her.
Not like he had expected anything less. After all, she got a full nights
sleep every night, whereas he was woken up by a lonely little girl most
nights, terrified that her father wasn’t going to be there when she got up
in the morning. Spike didn’t know if this fear of abandonment stemmed from
her watching other children who had two parents pick them up from school or
merely the fact that Spike was the only person she had and she was scared of
losing him, but he thought she was too young to fear him leaving like her
mother did since she didn’t even remember Buffy.

Buffy shifted nervously under his gaze, unsure if she should leave. She
ultimately decided against it, realizing she couldn’t keep running away from
her problems.

“Can we talk?” she asked quietly.

Spike smiled, looking up at the ceiling. “So now she wants to talk,” he
said to no one, throwing his arms out in a silent plea before looking back
at her. “Unfortunately, no, we can’t talk, princess,” he spat out. “I have
a job I have to get to.”

“I understand,” Buffy said softly, turning for the elevator.

“You understand?” Spike asked with an edge in his voice. “No, I don’t think
you do.” He watched as she turned toward him, tears shimmering in her eyes,
and felt his resolve crumble. “Why now?” he asked, trying to keep the mask
of resentment firmly in place.

“If not now…when?” Buffy asked.

Spike took a deep breath, clenching his jaw as he looked away from her for a
moment. “Come inside,” he muttered, walking past her to unlock the door,
trying desperately not to let her perfume affect him or the fact that the
woman he had wanted more than anything else in this world was now less than
a foot away from him.

Opening the door to the tiny apartment, Spike pushed the door open, allowing
Buffy to walk in first. Buffy jumped slightly when the door shut behind
them as Spike walked past her to sit on the arm of a chair, gesturing for
Buffy to sit on the couch.

Buffy sat down, her back rigid as she worried her bottom lip, not sure where
to begin. Luckily, she didn’t have to.

“Where’ve you been?” he asked quietly, not making eye contact with her.

“Mom didn’t tell you?” Buffy asked in surprise.

“I didn’t want to know,” he replied, getting up from his seat to walk over
to the window. Buffy watched as he threw it open and quickly lit a
cigarette. Normally, he would never smoke in his home, but he desperately
needed the nicotine fix today of all days.

“New York,” Buffy finally answered, watching him as he stared out at what he
could see of Sunnydale. “Florida first and then…I got a job offer in New
York.”

“Good for you,” he replied, still looking away.

“Spike, I’m-“

“Don’t you dare apologize,” he said, whipping his head around to pin her
with his icy blue eyes. “You won’t mean it, so I don’t want to hear it.”

“How do you know I won’t mean it?” Buffy asked angrily as she got up from
her seat.

Spike took a step toward her, his imposing presence crowding her as he
looked into her eyes. “Would you have done anything differently?” he asked,
already knowing the answer to that question but seeing it reaffirmed as
Buffy looked at the ground in shame.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be sorry,” she said, raising her eyes to his
again. “Just because I may not have changed anything doesn’t mean I don’t
regret what happened.”

“And that’s why you called to check on your daughter?” he asked, his jaw
tightening. “That’s why you bothered to remember her birthday? Christmas?
That’s why you’re here now?”

“God, Spike! I wasn’t ready! I wasn’t ready for any of it- to be a mother,
to act like a grown-up. I had to get out of there for my own good and for
your well-being. You wouldn’t have wanted me to be anywhere near you if I
had stayed another month! I just wasn’t ready.”

“And you think I was?!” he yelled. “You think I knew a damn thing about
raising a daughter? No! But I’m still here,” he said, gesturing to the
floor of the apartment. “I don’t run away from my responsibilities, even if
I wasn’t ready for them. You got to go find yourself and be who you always
wanted to be. I didn’t- but, you know what? I wouldn’t trade that little
girl for all the money in the world!” he continued, pointing at the short
hallway that led to the bedrooms. “Nothing could take me away from her,” he
spat out, looking at Buffy in contempt, trying to hide the feelings that were
still boiling under the surface. “So I’ll ask you again…why the hell are
you here?”

“I’m here now because I want to be-“

“That’s right,” Spike said with a scoff before gesturing to her. “Because
YOU want to be. All bow down to Princess Buffy, her wish is our command.”

Buffy stared at him with an impassive look as he ranted, knowing that this
would come out eventually, and it was better now than later.

“Did you have fun on your ‘soul searching’ quest? Were you able to ‘find
yourself’?”

Buffy stood in shock at the mention of the letter. “You remembered,” she
murmured.

Spike turned, throwing his cigarette out the window before bracing his
hands against the sill as he looked outside. “Some things will be forever
burned in my memory,” he replied, nervously licking his bottom lip as he
avoided her eyes. “That day will be on my list as number three.”

Buffy took a deep breath before asking. “What are the other two?”

“The day Dawnie was born,” he replied instantaneously.

“And the other?”

“The night on the beach…under the fireworks,” he murmured, his eyes glazing
over slightly as his mind brought back the images and sensations of that
night only to shake himself of the reverie. He was a different man now. He
wasn’t the apprehensive, shy boy he had once been. That part of himself was
carefully closed away where no one could see it.





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