With This Ring by Lilachigh
Chapter 15 Choices
“Who was that guy?” XanT was walking up and down, muttering to himself, rubbing his wrists where the ropes had cut. “He was going to kill me!”
“His name was Angel,” Buffy said distantly. She was sitting on the grass under the trees, watching the horses grazing a few yards away.
“You seemed to know him.”
Buffy stared sightlessly across the paddock. “No, I never knew him at all,” she said softly.
“A vampire, that’s who he was!” XanT seemed to have the same gift of stating the obvious in this universe as he did in the other Sunnydale, Buffy thought.
She glanced round but there was no sign of her husband. Spike had taken CordyT back to her house, insisting that she packed a case and got out of town immediately. Of Harmony there was no sign at all. Harmony was a survivor, Buffy realised.
She wished she was. She felt drained, hollow, weary beyond belief. And she didn’t know why. She had told XanT the truth. She didn’t know this Angel. His death should have meant nothing to her.
“So, who was that guy?”
Buffy found she was pulling up handfuls of grass, angrily, compulsively. “Xander, why don’t you go back to town. Tara will be so worried about you. You need to let her know you’re OK.”
“You’re right. Tara - worried - so me make her better. God, I could do with a drink. Don’t suppose Spike’s got any whisky in your car, has he?”
Buffy looked up at him. It was so weird. The same dark hair, dark eyes, friendly, funny face. And yet she didn’t like this Xander. She sensed that inside he was weak where her Xander in the other Sunnydale was strong.
“No, no whisky. Take the car and go, Xander. We’ll come back when we’ve finished up here. There’s a truck in the barn we can use.”
“OK, see you later.” and he moved away, still muttering, “Who was that guy?”
Buffy sat on in the shade. She felt she had lost all power of movement. Her legs seemed dead and she had a thumping headache. She wanted to be home, curled up in her bed where the sheets were soft and cool and smelt of her mother’s vanilla fabric softener.
The hairs on her back of her neck stirred and then relaxed as thin cold fingers began to massage the tense muscles across her shoulders, digging into that spot inside her shoulder blades that ached so much.
Buffy rolled her head round. God that felt good.
“Not happy pet, are you?”
She couldn’t lie to him. He knew her too well. “No.”
“He wasn’t our Angel, you know. He never loved you in this world. You never loved him.”
“I know.”
She felt him sit on the grass behind her, then his legs were stretched out on either side of her and he pulled her back between them to lean against his chest. He rubbed his chin on the top of her head.
“So, did this Angel dying make you realise you still love him back in our Sunnydale? Is that what all this angst is about?”
Buffy tried to turn, but her held her still and after a second or two she stopped struggling and just relaxed back against him. “No, Spike. I don’t love him in either world. I did love him, once, but that seems a long time ago when I was very young.”
“Oh yes, and you’re so old now, of course! Ancient, even.”
“I feel it.”
She felt the muscles in his chest tighten. “God, Buffy, sometimes you can really irritate me, do you know that?”
She shrugged, hurt but determined not to show it. “You don’t have to stay around if you don’t want to.”
“Buffy, we’re married. Husband and wife. Or have you forgotten that? Just because i get irritated with you or you get annoyed with me, doesn’t mean either of us needs to walk away. Married people have rows, disagreements. ” He dropped a kiss on the blonde curls tickling his nose. “Then they make up. It’s fun.”
“And sometimes they walk away and never come back,” she said softly. “So why do I irritate you?”
“It’s all you, you, you, all the time. OK, you felt weird seeing XanT dust Angel. Great teenage love affair all angsty and broody and one perfect moment of happiness and bam, here’s our good old pal, Angelus. I can see that would be upsetting seeing him die.”
“It was,” she whispered.
“So did you ever stop to think how I felt?”
Buffy wriggled round until she was kneeling, facing him. “You hated Angel.”
Spike sighed, his dark sapphire eyes shadowed. “Sweetheart, he was my grandsire. The head of my little family for more years than I care to remember. I fought him because I was young and silly, but he taught me to be a vampire. He was my role model, father figure, you name it, Angel was it. Of course I hated the great poof. He loathed me. Always figured he wanted Dru and Darla all for himself, then I came along and spoilt his little threesome. But whatever he was to me, it was real and seeing him go like that hurt me, too.”
“But it wasn’t our Angel,” Buffy said hurriedly, hating to see Spike miserable.
“I think those are my words.”
Buffy bit her lip and slipped her arms round Spike’s neck and let him hold her tight.
“So what else is bugging you, pet?” the vampire asked at last. “This mood has been coming on for days. It isn’t just Angel torturing XanT and CordyT proving to be a first class bitch.”
There was silence for a while. The leaves above their heads rustled in the breeze but the shadow was still deep enough to keep Spike safe.
“Do you realise we both talk about ‘our’ Angel, and ‘our’ Sunnydale, as if they were the real ones and this world isn’t. Is all of this slipping away from us?” she said eventually, airing her deepest fears, safe in his arms, knowing that once there, nothing could hurt her.
Spike nodded. “I’ve realised that, too. I think - ”
He stopped and she nudged him to continue.
“I think you can’t live fully in two worlds at the same time. Whatever the magic was that Willow used to make the portal, it’s fading. We can either be there or here, but I don’t believe we can go backwards and forwards between the two Sunnydales any more.”
‘Are you saying we’ve got to close the portal?”
Spike traced his fingertip over her lips. He loved their shape, the soft fullness of her lower lip, the moist inside. He’d seen them bruised, smeared with his come, slack with passion, taut with desire. He would never tire of her mouth if he lived for another hundred years.
‘I don’t think I’d know how to close it, but I think maybe we’ve got to choose which Sunnydale to live in and stick to it.”
Buffy fell silent, feeling tears well up in her eyes.
‘You’ve already chosen, haven’t you?” Spike said heavily. “You want to go back. We won’t be married, you’ll be going out with soldier boy and I’ll just be the annoying vampire who lives in the crypt. Why, Buffy? Is life here with me so bad?”
“No, it isn’t bad at all,” she whispered, twisting one of his platinum curls round and round her finger. “But Spike, it isn’t real. I’m the Slayer, you’re a vampire. How can we love each other? It’s all magic. Smoke and mirrors. You know that as soon as we go back, you’ll go back to hating me, and I’ll go back to - ”
“Despising me?”
“No! I’ve never despised you. Loathed you, perhaps. But whatever I feel, it won’t be love. It could never be love, Spike. You haven’t got a soul. For some reason I can forget that here, but I can’t when I’m home. I won’t when I’m home!”
“Won’t sounds more truthful.”
Buffy pulled herself out of his arms and jumped up. She knew if she allowed him to go on holding her, she’d give in, agree to whatever he wanted. And that would be wrong.
“I’m sorry, William. Truly, I am. But I just want - ”
Spike stood up and leant against the tree trunk in the deepest shade. “What do you want, Slayer?” he asked wearily.
“I want a chance!” she snapped. “A chance to live a normal life, like a normal girl. I know I’ll always be the Slayer, but I can be normal, too. ”
Spike stared at her face, at the despair and the determination etched there. He could see all the different Buyffys so clearly; the little girl whose father had walked out on her, the one whose boyfriends all left, who would spend years searching for some perfect way of life, not ever realising that it was there for her, all the time, right under her nose.
“So we go back. Decision made. And what happens here, do you reckon?”
Buffy stared at him. She’d wanted him to agree, of course she had, so why was she feeling upset and irritated that he’d given in so quickly? What about all his protestations of eternal love? Perhaps they’d been just words, after all.
“I think if we go back and seal the portal, it’ll be as if I’ve died, nor never existed. Another Slayer will be called in my place.“
“Faith?”
Buffy shrugged. “We don’t know there is a Faith in this world. Or if there is, she doesn’t have to be a Slayer. For all we know, she might be serving hamburgers in the local Double Meat Palace.”
Spike laughed. “Oh yes, I can just see a Slayer doing that!” He held out his hand and Buffy took it. “OK, Slayer. Back to town we go. Back to the portal, and then home.”
He tugged her hand and she flew forward into his arms. He bent his head and kissed her, long and deep, holding her so tightly that any normal girl would have squealed for mercy as her ribs cracked.
“That’s one for our memory banks,” he said as he raised his head and stared down at crushed pink lips and blurred green eyes. “And every time someone kisses you in the future, whoever and wherever you are, deep in your blood, you’ll remember this day.”
For a second he flared into game face and Buffy stepped back, startled. Then in a flash he was back to normal. “You’ve got your opinions and I think you’re wrong, luv. Bloody hell, I know you’re wrong, but I also know it’s useless trying to convince you.”
“Spike - ”
“Hush up, pet. Let me have my say, then we’ll be done. We‘re going home. I agree. But we’re still married, Buffy. And nothing, not all the magic in both universes, can alter that. Whatever the future brings for both of us - you, Buffy Summers, will always be my wife.”
The End
Hope you all enjoyed this story. I loved writing it. Be glad of your views. I’ve found all your reviews over the weeks stimulating, interesting and very encouraging. Many thanks to all of you who’ve stuck by me on this journey.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
So we’ve come to the end of this story. If the portal is opened again it will be if readers want it to be. It’s up to you, guys! Thanks for all the great reviews. I’ve loved writing this and your company has been much appreciated.