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The Show Must Go On
Summary: Post Chosen. Buffy POV. Buffy’s thoughts as they’re on the bus heading away from what’s left of Sunnydale. Contains small spoilers for season 5 of AtS
A/N: Thanks to Madame Draco for being an Ab Fab Beta!
Disclaimer: Joss, ME and FOX own it all, just the stories mine.
Rating: NC17


He’s gone. Spike’s gone. Two words that mean so much. I loved him and I realized it at exactly the wrong time.

No you don’t. But thanks for saying it.

Oh God. He died thinking I lied to him. How could he not believe me? I wouldn’t lie to him about something like that. But it doesn’t matter now because Spike’s gone.

How am I gonna cope? How can I go on without him? He was my strength. At times he was my weakness but in a good way.

He wasn’t supposed to die! He was supposed to live forever!

As I sit on this school bus, driving towards who knows where, I can’t help but think I have nothing left of him.

“Umm Buffy?” Oh God, it’s Andrew. He idolized Spike.

“Yes Andrew” Was that my voice? I was so choked I nearly couldn’t respond.

“Spike wanted me to give this to you, if he didn’t make it.” Andrew passed me an A4 envelope then he moved back to the front of the bus.

So here I am looking at it. And I’m scared. Beyond scared, I’m terrified.

I open it, almost afraid something will jump out and bite me. I reach in and pull out a folded piece of paper.

I open it up and almost start crying at the sight of his elegant handwriting.

Buffy, Luv,
Chances are if you’re reading this letter then I didn’t make it. But hopefully the world didn’t end and I died saving it.
I’m writing this while I watch you sleep and I……… God I never knew it would be so hard to write this.
You look so peaceful and knowing I helped get you there is……Well it’s an amazing feeling really.
I once told you my soul burns and I can’t tell you how true that is. It burns for you Luv and it always will.
I love you so much. I can’t put it into words. But please know that I do, with everything that I am.

In this envelope are all my keepsakes. I was wondering if you could do me a favour pet? Could you bury these for me? I mean, you can keep ‘em if you want and I’d prefer it if you did. But the choice is yours.
You might recognize a few of the things that are in here!

Anyway I better go now as we have a Big Bad to fight tomorrow. Also there’s a gorgeous girl in my bed and I’d hate to keep her waiting! *wink*

All my Love forever
William
Xxxxxxx


I couldn’t help it. I’m not made of stone you know! The tears wouldn’t stop. The minute I read the first line I was gone.

I reach back into the envelope and pull out the rest of the things. A photo of mom, Dawn and I. Dawn told me he used to carry it around with him after I died. A silver skull ring, that brings back so many memories. He gave it to me during Willow’s Thy Will be Done spell. We were so happy. I had never felt like that before, not even with Angel. But then it was over and we went back to hating each other. The last thing is a Gold pendant. On the front of it, the initials AR were engraved. It looks very expensive. I open it up and inside there are two very small black and white photographs. One is of a toddler with a mop of hair. The other is of a beautiful looking woman and a handsome young man. They both have a strong resemblance to Spike. And then it hit’s me. They must be his parents and the baby must be him.

I decide I want to keep them. I place the necklace around my neck and it falls almost over my heart. Which pleases me. It means Spike will always be close.

I curl up on the back, clutching his letter to me like a life line and drift to sleep.

“Spike, come home please. I can’t live without you” I scream.

“You don’t mean that Buffy” Spike whispers back.

“I do. I want you here, with me. I love you!” It was my last card to play.

“I’m, dead Buffy. My time is over. You don’t love me. You just want someone to hold onto when the going gets rough.”

“That’s not true! Not once have I lied to you about my feelings! I’m not lying now! Please, if you don’t believe me look at me!”

He walks towards to me and sees the pendant. His eyes fill with tears.

“It was my mum’s” he begins hesitantly. “She never took it off. When my da’ died she was a mess, we both were. I was 15 when it happened. He had TB. I died when I was 23, mum was extremely ill at the time. I loved my mum so much. She was always there for me, let me read her my awful poetry, listen to me go on about Cecily, she loved me. She had nothing left when I was turned. So I turned her and then I had to kill her. That nearly killed me, Buffy.” He was crying so much and I was too. I reached out to see if I could touch him and when my fingers encountered flesh, a sob escaped my mouth and I threw myself towards him. I wrapped my arms securely around his neck and buried my face there as well.

I could hear him breathe in the sent of my hair and it sent a small shiver down my spine. I pulled his head up towards mine and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

“It’ll be alright. I promise. I’m here with you. We’ll always be together, you and me.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“You’ll make it real? You’ll tell everyone? I won’t come back unless we can be together in every sense of the word!”

“I will, oh god, I swear I will! Just please come back to me!”

And that’s when I woke up. I nearly screamed when I saw Xander over me trying to get me up.

“Buff, are you awake?”

“I am now” I said a little too harshly.

“We’ve just pulled into a rest stop. Andrew was complaining that he needed to use the bathroom.”

“Oh right.” And with that I get up and walk away from him.

I use the bathroom as fast as I can, because I mean…….. Ewww! Then go into the shop. I grab a bag of chips and a bottle of soda then make my way to the checkout. As soon as I’ve paid I’m back on the bus. I can see Xander, Willow and Giles talking and from the looks of it one of them will be coming to talk to me, let’s see who pulls the short straw.

Looks like it’s Willow. As she walks towards me I wanna laugh. She looks so nervous, like we’re not best friends.

“Hey Buffy, how are you feeling?”

“Fine, Wills. What’s up?” My voice is distant as if I’m not really here.

“We were wondering where we were gonna head out to?”

“Are we near LA?”

“Yeah it’s about 20 minutes down the highway.”

“Lets go there. I need to speak to Angel, to tell him what happened and about Spike.”

I hear Dawns cell phone ring and I’m amazed it survived the battle.

“Buffy for what it’s worth I’m sorry.” Here come the tears again. No, I will not cry in front of them, I can be strong for a little while longer.

“Yeah, so am I.” And that’s it, she walks away. They don’t know how much it hurts. How much I regret not telling him I loved him sooner. How I wish we could’ve made love in those nights before the battle.

I close my eyes again until I hear Dawn scream and I’m instantly on guard. She’s on the phone and the only words I can hear are impossible…………Dead………a wreck… and that’s it. Sounds like me that last one. A wreck, that’s me. Just lost the love of my life so yeah, I’m a wreck.

I can’t stop thinking about that dream. Was it a dream? Was it real? Will he come back for me? Will he stay gone? All these questions running in my head and I wanna scream.

The bus comes to stop and I take a look around. We’re outside a large office building. I can see Angel standing outside it and that’s my cue. I push past everyone on the bus and run towards him. On my way, I break down.

I reach him with tears streaming down my face because it hits me again. Angel’s here. Spike’s not.

“Shhhh Buffy, it’ll be okay.” I hear him whisper.

“He’s gone Angel. He’s left me. I loved him so much and he’s not here!” I’m screaming. I can’t stop. I just want him here with me. Is that so much to ask?

“Buffy listen to me. It will be okay.” I can feel him carry me upstairs. I don’t remember much after that as I fell asleep.

With each thrust I’m nearing completion and I feel so good, being in his arms again. Skin touching skin the way it should be. I moan as he pulls out and gasp when he plunges back in.

Silent words form on my lips and the feeling intensifies. I can feel he is almost ready, and I’m filled with pride that I can drive this man wild. I climax with a scream of his name and he follows soon after shouting mine.

As we lay together enjoying the afterglow of our coupling I whisper

“I love you” And in return I get this beautiful smile. He goes to return it but something strange happens. I can see the words form on his lips but that’s not what comes out.

“No you don’t, but thanks for saying it” And I scream. I scream so loud a deaf man could me.

“I LOVE YOU! I don’t care who knows it. It’s true! You said you’d come back to me and you lied.” I’m crying again.

“I never lied to you Buffy, I am back. You’re just not looking”

And then I awake in a cold sweat. Angel is in a chair next to the bed looking worried.

“How long have you been there?” I ask, after my heart returns to normal.

“Long enough. Why didn’t you tell me you loved him? When I was in Sunnydale. You give me a speech about cookies that was too cryptic even for me and now suddenly you love Spike? Excuse me if I’m a little lost” The last sentence comes out harsh and it almost sounds like Angelus. But I know it’s not.

I decide to be open. I tell Angel everything that happened last year. Some of it he doesn’t like, at times he’s smiling, his face turns into an angry scowl when I tell him why Spike went in search of his soul, and I can only think thank god he isn’t here otherwise he would be dead or dead again. But when I tell Angel I forgave Spike a look of understanding passes over him.

“You forgave him?”

“I did.”

“Not because you wanted too. But because it was the right thing to do.”

“Yeah. Also Spike needed forgiveness, and I cared about him.”

“I understand, I don’t like it, but I understand. Now tell me about your dream.”

So I do. I tell him about the one I had on the bus and the one just now.

“I don’t understand what he meant Angel. He said he was back but I wasn’t looking hard enough. What does he mean?”

“I don’t know Buffy.” He doesn’t look at me when he says that and I know something’s wrong.

“Tell me” I whisper.

“There’s nothing to tell.” Still no eye contact.

“Tell me.” I shout. “Otherwise I will tear this hotel apart looking for someone who will.”

A look passes over his face and I can see his is deciding whether or not to tell me. But he has too seeing as now I know there is something to tell.

“There’s something I need to show you.” And I follow him out.


TBC





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