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< *** > indicate memories and/or dreams

I didn’t go outside. It started raining. But I had to get away from the scent. Her scent. I got to the bottom of the stairs and saw Dodger lying by the front door. “Hey boy.” His ears perked up as he turn to look at me. I remember the day we got him. Buffy wanted to start a family. In the worst way…

***

“Spike don’t walk away when I’m talking to you!” She yelled after me as I walked out of the bedroom. “Spike! Spike! Stop.” Her voice got softer and my balls practically shriveled up and I turned into a Nancy-boy because I stopped.

“Buffy I can’t give you a baby right now. Love, I would love to but we can’t. You have a tournament coming up.” I tried to reason with her.

“I’d be okay.” She wanted a baby so bad it almost broke my heart to say no.

“What if something happened to you? I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.”

“Can we get a dog then?” I gave a sigh of relief, when her big smile graced it self across her lips.

“As long as it’s a manly dog.” I put my arms around her waist to pull her closer.

“What’s with you and manly things?”

“Well darling, I am a man.”

***

We made up then. Right there in the hall. “Come here boy.” Dodger was a yellow Lab. He was as manly as I was gonna get. Dodger got up lazily and trotted over to me. I put my hands on either side of his face and scratched right where I knew he liked it. In response he licked my hand. “Did she ever tell you why? Why she left? Huh, boy?” He didn’t answer. “She didn’t tell me. I mean she tells me that it wasn’t my fault and that I was perfect, so then why would she leave me?” Of all the things I did at that moment, I started to cry. Fuck.

I ran up the stairs and ran into my bedroom. Looked around frantically. For what, I don’t know. I ran into the hall and saw her. All refreshed and smelling good. Beautiful. “Spike, what’s wrong?” I didn’t answer. She took her hands and put them on either side of my face. “Baby what happened?” ‘Baby.’ That word repeated itself in my head a million times before I actually spoke.

“Why?” I almost didn’t recognize my own voice when it came out. It sounded like I had been screaming for hours on end. She looked at me confused. “Why did you leave me here?” That’s where I broke bringing her down with me. She didn’t answer me. She just held me in her lap making shh-ing noises and rubbing my back. All it did was make me cry more. God I hated myself.

I hadn’t cried this hard since my mom died. No, scratch that. I didn’t cry this much. I couldn’t… Because Buffy was there. She was holding my hand as I put a handful of dirt on my mother’s grave. She was holding my hand when I just stood there staring at it. She held my hand as I stayed there all night, telling her that I didn’t want to leave mom alone. And I did the same for her. At least I would have if she let me. But she didn’t.

I looked up at Buffy. There was so much worry in her eyes at that moment that it almost didn’t seem real. Could this be the woman that left me alone that day?

***

“What are you talking about?” She had made dinner as best she knew how that night. Meaning we were eating Macaroni and cheese.

“I want a divorce.”

“What? Why? Don’t you love me?”

“Of course I love you. Baby. I love you more then anything.”

“Then why are you doing this?”

“I can’t be here with you anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I just can’t – I…”

“What? What are you trying to tell me?!”

“I cheated on you!” She was breathing hard. This wasn’t the first time she has tried to tell me.

“How long ago?” It’s a strange feeling, your heart physically breaking in half.

“Two months ago.”

“When you were in France.” I couldn’t… It had to be a…. I think I’m having an asthma attack. I don’t have asthma.

“Baby, you got to believe me I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She got down on her knees and practically begged me to forgive her. I would have.

“You don’t have to go!” I got down on my knees with her, inching toward her. Begging her to forgive me.

“No.” She got up and looked down on me condescendingly. “I have to leave. I can’t… It’s not right for me to be here.”

***

That’s when she left. She turned and left with out one word. I got the papers a few days later.

“Why did you leave?” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

She sighed heavily, rotating so that she could get away from me. “Spike, we’ve gone over this.”

“No we didn’t.” I said following her. “You said that it wasn’t right for you to be here anymore. You didn’t say anything else.”

“I’m not having this conversation.” She started to walk away.

“Why, because it’s not on your terms?”

“Is that what you think about me?” She turned on me. Her eyes were full of fire for the fight. “I’m just some spoiled brat to you aren’t I?”

“If the shoe fits.”

“Well let me tell you something mister peroxide man! I gave to charity last week!” Buffy pointed her index finger into my chest.

“Oh, well aren’t you St. Buffy now.” I moved forward. Cornering her between the wall and me. “Was it your guilty conscience that was getting to you? Was it the fact that you committed the ultimate sin? Well let me tell you something Ms. Summers, you can give to charity, and be nice to hobo’s on the street, and even tip the bell boy a little extra, but no matter what you do you can never erase the pain that you bestowed upon me!”

“I was pregnant!” Now that was something that I was not expecting.

I backed away.

“Yeah, that’s right. I had a bun in the oven, and it wasn’t yours. And yes I did commit the ultimate sin. I got pregnant but it wasn’t by my husband.” She started moving me backward. “I left because I knew that that would kill you and I loved you so much that I couldn’t possibly do that to you.” I felt the cold plaster against my back. My eyes were wide. “I went to go find the bastard that ruined my marriage, but guess what baby? He was married too. And you know what he told me when I said that I was pregnant? He told me to fuck off. I wasn’t even a willing participant! He raped me! Did you know that!?” I believe that I was crying again. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. From the moment that I had met Buffy I learned quickly that she was the strongest person in the world. I felt like my heart broke all over again. “So are you happy now?”

“What… What happened to the baby?”

“I had a miscarriage because of the damage he did trying to get in.”

“Why are you back then?” I didn’t know what to say. I mean school is supposed to train you for the real world but do they ever tell you what to do in this situation? No, they don’t. I really would have enjoyed a course in this. ‘The Possibility Of Your Marriage Failing and Other Situations 101’. That would have been nice.

“I thought you disserved the truth.”

“I deserved it six months ago. I also deserved my wife. Baby, we could have worked it out.”

“You don’t deserve me. You need someone who is going to be here all the time and watch Dodger while your gone. You know some one who can cook more then macaroni and cheese. Some one who doesn’t mix the dark shirts with the white shirts, someone who doesn’t get mad so often. That’s what you need.”

“No, what I needed was you.” Then it was my turn to walk away. I couldn’t look at her. Our mistakes were searing into my memory and I couldn’t take it.

“William,” My name. She and my immediate family are only allowed to call me that. I don’t like it though. “Will you ever forgive me?”

“I forgave you the day that you left.” Sod the rain, I’m playing. I need to hit something. I didn’t even change.

It was pouring out. Sheets of rain pounded on my head as I stomped on to the veranda, on to the soaked grass, on to the tennis court. I grabbed a bag of one hundred tennis balls. Picked up my racket and slammed the green felt ball across the yard. I wasn’t even aiming. It was just happening. I didn’t even notice when she came out too.

She picked up her racket and slammed the ball right back to me. I didn’t miss a beat. When went back and forth for what seemed like forever. We didn’t give up. We wouldn’t dare to. I couldn’t even tell if I was sweating. It was still pouring.

We were both dirty and tired and sweating profusely when she missed it. She even skid. I collapsed. I hadn’t realized how hard I was working myself. “Are you hungry?” I shouted over the rain.

She nodded her head vigorously.

“Good. Me too.”





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