Spike stayed in the kitchen, trying to keep his emotions and his temper under
control. He didn’t trust himself around Buffy, the way he was feeling.
Turning and walking through the backdoor, he searched his pockets, breathing
a sigh of relief when he found his cigarettes and his lighter. The same
lighter that Buffy had given him over a year ago, even though she hated his
smoking.
Lighting the cigarette, he absentmindedly opened and closed the lighter,
looking down at the inscription. It was the same inscription that he had
been studiously avoiding, never wanting to remember what he had willingly
given up, but at the same time keeping it close to him everyday.
‘Forever and For Always’
Shoving it in his pocket, Spike inhaled sharply, letting the smoke fill his
lungs and settle his nerves.
“How are you holding up?”
Turning at the familiar voice, he offered a tentative smile before facing
the backyard again.
“Same as always, Red.”
“I know it’s hard,” Willow said, leaning against the railing. “Being so
close and not being able to have what you want.”
“Sounds like you speak from experience,” Spike muttered.
“I am,” she replied. “It worked out okay for me…not the way I would have
thought or hoped a few years ago, but I have Oz now.”
“Xander?”
“Yeah,” she murmured, a soft smile on her face.
“You’re telling me to forget about her?”
“I’m not telling you anything, Spike. But she’s with someone else now, and
it’s not going to be as easy as telling her that you want her back and
expecting her to run at you with open arms. You hurt her. You hurt her
more than she’s willing to admit and she’s changed.”
“So, it’s my fault then?”
“I’ve got to be honest, I don’t think she would be drinking this much if you
were still with her.”
“You’re right,” Spike muttered miserably. “I drove her to this.”
“Maybe you can help her change back.”
“Not while she’s with the poofter that she calls a boyfriend.”
“You really hate him, don’t you?”
“Hate is a strong word…and it’s not nearly strong enough to describe how I
feel about him.”
“I know what you mean. I danced with him tonight, and it was like every part
of me was screaming to get away from him. I don’t know what Buffy sees in
him. I think he’s just a smooth talker who’s used to getting his way.”
“I want her away from him, Red. And not just because I’m jealous or I want
her back…I just don’t think she’s safe.”
“And what I think doesn’t matter?”
Both turned around to see Buffy standing behind them, her arms crossed over
her chest as she looked at Spike.
“Buffy,” Willow said, her eyes wide as she realized that Buffy heard what
she said. “I-I-“
“Willow, can I talk to Spike for a minute?”
“Yeah, I just-“
“Look…you’re allowed not to like my boyfriend. It’s fine. I just wish you
would have talked to me earlier.”
Willow nodded before walking back into her house.
“So you heard?” Spike asked, turning his back on her and inhaling on his
cigarette.
“Yeah…nothing I didn’t already know or suspect. I just didn’t think my best
friend and the one person I used to trust more than anyone would be talking
about me behind my back.”
“We’re just worried about you, luv.”
“Well, stop!” she cried, causing him to turn around and face her. “I’m a
big girl, Spike. I can take care of myself.”
“Really?” he asked in a low growl, stalking toward her.
Buffy swallowed nervously when she watched him throw his cigarette down before pressing her against the side of the house.
“You don’t look like you’re strong enough to handle another girl, much less
a full grown man who’s used to taking what he wants.”
“Do you want to test that theory?” Buffy asked in a breathy voice, jutting
her chin out defiantly.
Spike stared into her flashing eyes for a moment before a smirk crossed his
features. “There’s my girl,” he murmured, feeling moderately satisfied when
she glared at him.
“I’m not your girl.”
“You’ll always be mine. You said so yourself.”
“What?”
Extracting the lighter from his pocket, he held it in front of her for
inspection.
“Forever and for always,” she murmured, her lips tightening as she tried to
hold the tears back. “I was a different person then,” she said, looking up
at him, silently begging him to believe her.
“You’re still the same,” Spike said softly, running a hand over her hair and
looking at her through soft blue eyes. “You’re still the woman I want to be
with.”
“Stop saying that,” she whispered.
“You’re still the same.”
“Yeah?” Buffy asked, nearing her breaking point as she grabbed his coat and
used the momentum to swing them around until he was pressed against the
wall. “Was the old Buffy like this?” she whispered in a seductive voice,
never breaking eye contact as she ran her hands over his body.
“Buffy…what are you doing, pet?”
“I thought this was what you wanted,” she murmured, leaning forward and
letting her lips trail over his neck, gently biting down and smiling at the
shiver that raced through him. Her fingertips played with the waistband of
his pants before pressing her body against his and pulling away to look in
his eyes. “Now, tell me I’m not the same person.”
Moving to step away, Buffy gasped when she felt her arm grabbed in a firm
grip. “You’re playing a dangerous game, princess.”
Buffy shrugged, not backing down as she stared into his eyes. “I like the
rush.”
Arching an eyebrow at the casual statement, Spike’s other hand came up to
grab her other arm, pulling her flush against his body and smashing his lips
to hers. Buffy found herself eagerly kissing him back, getting lost in the
familiarity of his lips, before remembering that this wasn’t her boyfriend.
Taking a step back and breaking all contact with his body, their eyes
clashed for a long minute as they caught their breath.
“If you’re prepared to play the game…you’ve gotta be ready for everything.”
Buffy’s jaw tightened as she stared at him. “Leave me alone, Spike. Why
can’t you just go find your girlfriend and let me be happy?”
Watching as she turned and walked back into the house, closing the door
behind her, Spike sighed. “Because you’re not happy.”
* * * * *
After Buffy’s talk with Spike, she went up to Willow’s bedroom and decided to fall asleep, not wanting to deal with anyone or anything for the rest of the night. When she woke up, Cordelia was already gone, but Willow was just waking up.
“Hey,” she said quietly, yawning and stretching. “You disappeared pretty early last night. Were you okay?”
“Yeah,” Buffy answered, shrugging as she sat up. “I guess I was tuckered out.” Willow frowned slightly.
“Spike said you guys talked after I went back inside last night,” Willow said, getting out of bed. “What happened?”
“We talked,” Buffy answered, standing up. “That’s it. We just argued about things some more. You know how it is. The usual conversations he and I have.” She paused and looked down. “So, you really hate Angelus that much?”
“I wouldn’t say ‘hate’,” Willow replied. “He just seems off to me. Something about him screams ‘bad guy’ and I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been getting loads of warning signs from him.”
“Did he say anything to you while you were dancing last night?” Buffy asked curiously.
“We just talked about his classes and some random stuff for a bit,” Willow answered before taking a deep breath. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but while I’m being honest and laying things out there…” She paused and looked at her friend. “Buffy, I think he was coming on to me last night.”
“What makes you think that?” Buffy asked, both confused and surprised.
“He suggested that we have a threesome,” Willow said quietly, blushing. Buffy’s jaw dropped as she stared at the redhead. “He said it jokingly and all, but something in his eyes didn’t seem like he was trying to be funny.”
“So you think he’s trying to get us all in bed together?” Buffy asked, and Willow nodded. She burst out laughing, clutching her stomach from the force of it.
“What’s so funny?” Willow asked, raising an eyebrow. “I’m dead serious, Buffy.”
“Angelus…you…and I…in a bed,” Buffy managed to get out as she continued to laugh. She slowly calmed herself down, taking deep breaths. “He was just being Angelus. You don’t like him because he makes sexual jokes?”
“I don’t like him because he seems like a con artist who just wants to get into a girl’s pants,” Willow said, crossing her arms. Buffy stared at her before grabbing her stuff, packing it all up. “Buffy, don’t leave yet.”
“Why not?” she asked angrily. “You don’t like my boyfriend, you don’t like what I’ve been doing lately, and you don’t seem to support me at all anymore. Why should I stick around and hear more things you hate about me?”
“What? You know that’s not true, and I wouldn’t do something like that,” Willow said, stunned by Buffy’s words. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“You know, every time someone says that to me, they end up hurting me anyways,” Buffy replied, walking towards the bedroom door to leave. “Including you.” She stormed down the hallway and walked downstairs.
“What’s going on, Red?” Spike asked, suddenly appearing in the doorway of her room, noticing that she had tears running down her cheeks. “Is everything okay?”
“No,” Willow said before she ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. Spike realized that Buffy must have just left and sprinted downstairs and out the door.
Catching up to her about three houses down, Spike was grateful that he was already dressed before chasing after her. When he was close enough, he grabbed Buffy’s arm and turned her around, forcing her to look at him as she clenched her jaw.
“What are you doing?” she asked sharply. “Can’t you ever just leave me the hell alone?”
“Not when you’re pushing everyone who cares about you away,” he replied, not letting go of her. “What did you say to Red? She’s bawling in her bathroom right now, and I know you’re the reason for it, so what did you do?”
“Everyone thinks they know what’s good for me,” Buffy said, trying to break away from him, but not succeeding. “Only I know what’s good for me, and I’m sick of people butting into my life and telling me what to do. I’m staying with Angelus, and I’m happy with the way I am. If none of you can see that, then you obviously are blind and can’t accept the fact that I’ve changed.”
“And look what you’ve changed into!” Spike yelled. “You’re an alcoholic who dresses in slutty clothes and is dating some wanker who slept with you when you were drunk!” She looked away, fighting the urge to cry as his tone softened. “Tell me, Buffy, is that really what you wanted from your life? Are you really happy with things? Because if you can look me in the eyes and say that you are, I’ll back off right now. But if you can’t, then I can help you change. All of us will. We all just want you to be happy.” She looked at him and let a tear fall. His features softened as he reached out to wipe the tear away, but she backed off and shook her head.
‘It wouldn’t be like this if he hadn’t dumped me,’ she thought.
“Screw you,” she replied before walking away from him, not looking back. He took a deep breath and slowly walked back to Willow’s house, getting his stuff and leaving.
‘What the hell does it take?’ he asked himself as he drove home. ‘I don’t know how to get through to her anymore.’
* * * * *
That week at school, Buffy kept her distance from everyone she once considered a friend. She went to the library during lunch and hid from Mr. Giles, not wanting to deal with him, as well. By the time Friday rolled around, she was excited to see Angelus again.
She called him as soon as she got home from school, only to find out that he had other plans for the night.
“I’m sorry, baby, but I’ve got an exam on Monday, and if I don’t study hard for it, I could fail the class,” he said. “But how about tomorrow night? Does that sound okay?”
“Sure,” she replied, shrugging it off. “Good luck studying tonight, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” She hung up and sighed before dialing Faith’s phone number. She, too, was busy.
“I’ve got a date with Wes from the Bronze,” she said, sounding excited. “But maybe later this weekend?”
“Sure,” Buffy said, not wanting to mention that she’d undoubtedly be busy with Angelus the next night. After hanging up with Faith, she went to her room and got dressed up to go out anyway.
‘If no one wants to see me, then I’m going to go out and be seen,’ she said, leaving her house and walking to the Bronze. On the way, she passed by Angelus’ place and saw that his car was gone. She raised an eyebrow. ‘Maybe he had something to do. Or maybe he’s getting food. Stop being so paranoid, Summers.’
When she walked into the Bronze, she headed straight to the bar and ordered a soda before going up to the balcony and sitting down at a table. She watched couples dancing below her and took a deep breath. ‘I should be down there right now, but no, I’ve got no one. I pushed all of my old friends away, and now, my boyfriend and new best friend aren’t even around.’ She sipped from her cup. ‘What’s happened to me? I used to be popular, and social, and people always surrounded me. Now I’m alone, lonely, and obviously unhappy.’ She finished her soda. ‘Spike was right about everything. He can still read me like a book.’ She saw him walk into the building and decided to go talk to him. ‘It’s time to stop burning bridges.’
Hesitantly walking down the stairs, Buffy headed toward the bar, seeing
Spike talking to another man there. With a shaky breath, she continued
walking, nervously biting her lower lip when she came to stand behind him.
Waiting until he finished his conversation, she saw the other man’s eyes
dart over to her and gestured to Spike. Turning around, he arched an
eyebrow when he saw Buffy behind him.
“Hi,” she whispered, nervousness coating her voice.
“Can I help you?” he asked coldly.
“C-can we talk?”
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” he replied, crossing his arms
over his chest.
“It’s not?”
“Well, last time I tried to talk to you, I recall the phrase ‘screw you’
being directed at me, so no…I don’t think it would be a good idea.”
Buffy knew that she was getting what she deserved as she bit her lip and
nodded. “Sorry to bother you,” she whispered, turning around and walking
toward the door.
Sighing as he watched her walk away, his words from a few days before came
back to haunt him. ‘I can help you change…we all just want you to be
happy.’
Not even bothering to think about what he was doing, Spike was about to
chase after Buffy when he felt a hand on his arm. Turning in confusion, he
clenched his jaw when he saw Drusilla standing next to him.
“I thought you weren’t going to be here tonight, pet,” he muttered, looking
toward the door at the exact moment that it slammed shut.
“I thought you would miss me if I wasn’t nearby,” she said with an eerie
smile.
“You thought wrong,” he said softly.
“What’s wrong, my Spike?”
“We need to talk…”
* * * * *
Buffy avoided her mom as she walked into her house and up to her room.
Looking at herself in the mirror, she saw the tears in her eyes, the clothes
that she was wearing, and the heavy make-up, but she didn’t see herself.
She couldn’t see Buffy anymore…and it hurt.
Grabbing some clothes from the back of her closet, Buffy walked into her
bathroom, barely able to hold in the tears that were threatening to spill
over. Quickly washing off every trace of make-up, leaving the washcloth a
multitude of colors, her tears finally spilled when she saw her reflection.
She had spent the last few months avoiding looking in mirrors. She would do
her make-up or fix her hair, but she never really looked at herself.
Stripping off the leather pants, jacket, and midriff-baring halter, Buffy
changed into a pair of her old jeans and a thick, dark brown turtleneck,
feeling the need to be fully covered. Pulling the bobby pins from the
complex hairstyle, she let her hair spill around her shoulders and brushed
it until it glowed in the harsh light.
Seeing the girl that she used to be staring back at her, the tears turned
into sobs before she ran into her room and shut the door. She didn’t know
what was worse- seeing the woman that she had turned into or seeing the girl
she used to be. They were both extremes of the other and she didn’t know
how to find a happy medium.
Lying down on her bed, Buffy hugged a pillow to her chest, burying her face
in it as her body curled into itself, seeking protection and solace as her
sobs worsened.
* * * * *
Not knowing how long she had been lying there crying, Buffy jumped when she
heard a tapping on her window. Rolling over to look at the window, her eyes
widened when she saw Spike staring at her from the other side. Briefly
turning her back on him, Buffy wiped her eyes, trying to hide the worst of
the tears before walking around the bed and unlocking the window.
Taking a step back as he entered her room, Buffy avoided his eyes and hugged
her arms around her body, not bothering to ask what he was doing there. She
figured that he would answer that soon enough.
No words were spoken as Spike gently hooked a finger under her chin and
tilted her eyes up to his. His jaw clenched when he saw her bloodshot eyes,
still puffy from crying.
Her chin quivered as she managed to keep eye contact with him, and Spike’s
heart nearly broke when she closed the space between them and began crying
into his chest, her hands clutching at his duster as if she was afraid that
he would disappear. His arms immediately wrapped around her waist, holding
her as he listened to her muffled sobs.
“I didn’t mean it, princess,” he murmured into her hair. “I told you I want
you to be happy and I meant it.”
“Why do I feel like this, Will?” she whispered miserably, raising her eyes
to his once again while silent tears continued to trail down her cheeks.
Spike tenderly brushed each tear away as it fell. “You’re not happy,” he
said softly.
“But I should be…I should be overjoyed with my life, and instead I…”
“What can I do, luv?”
“Will you stay?” she asked hesitantly. “Will you just stay here with
me…just be my friend?”
“I can do that,” he whispered, shrugging out of his coat, surprised when she
grabbed his hand and led him to the bed. Spike lay down, relaxing when he
felt her body curl into his. “I like the new look,” he murmured, running
his hand over her arm.
“It’s not new…it’s old.”
“Then I like the old look,” he said with a grin.
“Don’t get used to it,” she said in a barely audible whisper.
“Why’s that?”
Buffy shrugged, feeling another bout of sadness overwhelm her.
“You don’t have to dress…the way you’ve been dressing to be yourself,
Buffy.”
“So you’re saying that I don’t have to dress like a slut to act like a
slut?”
“What?! Buffy, I would never-”
“Then I’m not an alcoholic who dresses in slutty clothes and sleeps with her
boyfriend when she’s drunk?”
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“There’s not a lot of ways to take it, Spike,” she said miserably, burying
her head in his chest instead of pulling away.
“But that’s not…I just meant that…”
“Do me a favor,” she said, avoiding his advances to get her to look at him.
“Don’t try and make excuses. You meant what you said, and you were making
the right assumption…I’m sorry I can’t be the girl you want me to be.”
Spike’s arms tightened around her when he heard her whispered words. “I
want you, Buffy. I’m not looking for what we had- I’m looking for what we
could have.”
“I’m with someone, Spike…I’m not…I can’t give up on the person I love.”
Feeling his heart aching at her soft declaration, Spike tightened his jaw
when he felt her relax in his arms, obviously tired after crying for hours.
“Do you love him like you love me?” he whispered, his lips brushing over her
hair.
Closing her eyes and letting her exhaustion take over, she whispered, “I’ll
never love anyone like I love you.”
[Reviews - 505]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 4715 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +