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A/N I decided to post this tonight (2 chapters) or I would lost my nerve. This is the turning point of the story. I had the opportunity to take it in one direction or the other and I chose this one. This was the hardest chapter that I have ever written and the entire reason that I almost didn’t post this story. I really don’t want to submit it, but it has to be done. It’s vital to the plot. Let it be known that I love Spike (I wouldn’t be writing Spuffy fiction if I didn’t) but this was necessary for the direction of the story. I’ll elaborate more at the end. Some of the dialogue and situations belong to Steven S. Deknight & Joss Whedon. Not really sure what warning to give it, but be aware that it is very dark!



Chapter 12 – Shattered Image


Buffy walked through the door of the apartment, saying hello to Xander and
Anya as she walked past them. The party was in full swing, and she couldn’t
spot Spike through the crowd.

“Angel!” she called, seeing the bigger man talking to Cordelia in a corner.

“Hey, Buffy,” he greeted with a smile as Cordy offered a wave.

“Hi, guys, have you seen William?”

“He’s around here somewhere,” Cordy said, looking over the large area,
trying to see through all of the dancing bodies. “There he is, over by the
hall…”

Buffy frowned as Cordy trailed off, turning in the direction she had been
pointing. Her stomach dropped and her heart tightened when she saw him
flirting with two women who could only be described as groupies.

“I’ve seen him every few minutes, Buff,” Angel said, feeling the need to
defend his friend. “It hasn’t gone past talking, and he’s had a lot to
drink. Maybe you should take him somewhere quiet, let him sober up.”

“Yeah,” Buffy said softly, walking toward her boyfriend. “Will?”

“Hello, luv,” he said, turning to face her with a bright smile before
crushing his lips to hers in a claiming kiss. “I’m going to have to get you
out of here,” he purred in a husky voice. “Too many blokes paying attention
to you.”

Buffy saw his gaze peruse her bare legs, barely hidden beneath the short
black skirt. “I was going to say the same about you,” she replied, giving a
pointed look to the women who had obviously been trying to get into his bed.

“You know you’re the only one I want,” he said in a silky voice. “I would
never even think of anyone else, let alone act on it.”

Feeling herself relax, she gave him a smile when Spike grabbed her hand and
led her to his bedroom. Pushing her through the door, she gave him a
tentative smile as he leaned in for a surprisingly tender kiss.

“I missed you tonight,” he whispered, a slur evident in his voice.

“You’ve obviously been having fun.”

“Just needed something to take the edge off.”

Buffy felt her chin tremble when she saw the syringe laying on his dresser.
“Something like heroin?” she asked, her eyes never leaving the offending
object.

Spike glanced over his shoulder, his fuzzy brain comprehending what she was
looking at. “Come on, baby,” he said with a drunken smile, turning back to
face her. “The tour is over- I was just celebrating.”

Looking into his eyes, she noticed, for the first time, how contracted his pupils were. Pushing away from him, she shakily picked up the needle, fighting the tears in her eyes as she turned back to him, trying not to remember the bandage that she had seen the other night and forced herself not to ask about, obviously covering his track marks. Trying not to think about the lack of withdrawals or the seeming easiness that he had adapted to his new lifestyle. Trying not to think that she had put her trust into a man who didn’t care.

“You never stopped, did you?” she asked angrily. “This whole time, you’ve
been lying to me.”

“Relax, Buff,” he said in a slurred voice. She honestly didn’t know what
was causing the look in his eyes- the alcohol or the drugs. “Why don’t you
try some? It might help you lighten up.”

“I cannot believe you just said that to me,” Buffy whispered, backing away
from him and tossing the needle back onto the flat surface of the dresser.
“I’m leaving.”

“No, you’re not,” Spike replied in a strangely subdued voice, advancing on
her.

Buffy suddenly felt as if she was trying to get away from an animal before
it attacked.

“I told you what would happen if you did this again,” she whispered with
tears shining in her eyes. “I was willing to overlook the drinking, but I’m
not doing this. I’m leaving. It’s over.”

Turning toward the door, Buffy gasped when she felt Spike seize her
shoulders and jerk her away from the door. Her heart accelerated as he
desperately threw her down on the bed, his body quickly pinning her in place.
Trying to get over her shock, Buffy lashed out at him, hitting his chest and
clawing at his face.

“Let me go!” she screamed, feeling panic rise up in her when she saw the
determined look in his eyes.

“You think you can just leave!” he screamed, his voice taking on a frantic quality as he tried to get her arms in his grip while she struck out at him. “I can’t let you go! I won’t! I can’t be without you!”

“Let go!” Buffy screamed, trying to push against him with all of her
strength.

“I’m not letting you go, Buffy. I am never letting you go!” His tone was
taking on a desperate quality as he took a different approach. His lips
sought hers out to capture them as she evaded his touch. “You’re mine.”

“Will, please, please,” she sobbed when she felt his hands grasp at her
shirt.

“You’ll feel it again, Buffy…”

“Spike, please don’t do this!” she screamed.

“I’m gonna make you feel it,” he said through gritted teeth, the sound of
fabric ripping filling the room.

“Stop!”

Stumbling backwards all of a sudden, Spike moved to advance on her again
when he felt himself thrown into a wall. Looking up in a daze, he saw Angel
and Xander blocking his view of Buffy. His foggy brain tried to contemplate
why they were there, his eyes widening when he realized what he’d almost
done. Frantically looking at Buffy, Spike tried to get to her, this time in
desperation of making sure she was okay.

“Ask me again if I trust you,” she said through gritted teeth, tears
streaming down her cheeks as she tried to hold her tattered shirt together.

“Buffy, my God, I didn’t-”

“They stopped you!” Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him with wide
eyes. Flinching when she saw him move forward, she eagerly backed toward the
door. “Which is something I should have done a long time ago.”

“Buffy!” he yelled, watching her run out the door as Angel and Xander held
him in place.

“Don’t do it,” Angel said through gritted teeth.

“You’ll just make it worse, Spike,” Xander said, tightening his hold on the
other man.

“I have to get to her,” Spike yelled, trying to jerk his arms away. His
heart felt like it was splitting in two as the memories of what almost
happened came back to him. “I need to make sure she’s okay.”

“Xander, you go,” Angel said, flinging Spike against the wall. “Make sure
she gets home okay.”


Chapter 13 – Tell Him…


“Let go of me, Angel,” Spike growled, staring the other man in the eye.

“Like hell,” Angel muttered, pinning Spike to the wall by his neck. “You’re
too messed up to know what you’re doing. I’m sure as hell not going to let
you go scare her anymore.”

“I’m not…I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…”

Angel finally relented his crushing hold when Spike seemed to come to terms
with what he’d done, sobering in an instant. He watched as the blonde
collapsed on the floor, his face turning a startling shade of white.

“I never wanted to hurt her,” he said in a low whisper, his hands traveling
up to his face. “God, I never meant to hurt her.”

Angel watched as Spike’s shoulders began to shake with the force of his
tears. He was torn between wanting to comfort a lifelong friend and wanting
to see him suffer for the horrible act he’d nearly committed.

“She called me Spike,” he whispered miserably.

“What?” Angel asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at the other
man.

“Right before you came in…she didn’t call me Will- she called me Spike.”

It was amazing how something so simple hurt him nearly as much as the
memories that were assaulting him.

After several long minutes, Spike raised his tearstained face to his friend.
“Make sure she’s okay.”

“Xander’s gone after her.”

“No, Angel. I need to know if she’s really alright. Not whatever she tells
Xander. He’ll believe anything. Just…make sure she’s okay.”

* * * * *

“Buffy, wait!”

“Just leave me alone, Xander,” Buffy replied, trying to fight the tears in
her eyes. Her body was running on shock and adrenaline and she didn’t want
to slow down long enough for the brutal truth to catch up with her.

“Please wait,” Xander said, running around her to block her path but wisely
not touching her. “Let me give you a lift. You’re not in any condition to
walk through the streets of this city like that.”

Sniffling slightly, Buffy clutched at her shirt as she nodded. She offered
him a grateful smile when he shrugged out of his coat and wrapped it around
her shoulders.

Staying a safe distance away, he led her to his car, parked a few blocks
away. Neither spoke as he opened the door for her and quickly walked around
to the other side.

“Buffy-”

“If you make one excuse for him, I will jump out of this car. I don’t care
if it’s moving or not.”

“I wasn’t going to,” he mumbled, suddenly feeling more insecure.

“Sorry,” Buffy muttered, looking at her hands as she clenched and unclenched
them into fists. “What were you going to say?”

“How are you?” Xander asked, looking over at her when they stopped at a
stoplight.

“Peachy, you?”

“I’m not trying to…I just wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt you.”

Trying to keep the attitude and sarcasm out of her voice, Buffy took a deep
breath. Xander wasn’t the one she should be mad at, and she had no right to
snap at him for simply trying to be sweet to her.

“I’ll be okay,” she whispered. “I just need to rest.”

Her voice was so weak that Xander merely nodded, staying quiet as Buffy
pointed out the way to her apartment.

* * * * *

The next afternoon, Buffy walked around her apartment, unsure of what to do
with herself. She had cleaned everything she could at least three times,
tried to watch TV, and cleaned out her closet. Anything to keep her mind
off of Spike.

Fidgeting with her sweater and jeans, Buffy debated whether she should
change her clothes for the third time but decided against it. She was
covered and she still felt vulnerable. She had already taken four showers
in the past twelve hours and cried for nearly that long.

Hearing a knock on the door, Buffy jumped but quickly took a steadying
breath. “Who is it?” she asked, putting one hand on the flat surface and
cursing herself for almost wishing it was Spike.

“It’s Angel.”

Her shoulders sagged, but she didn’t know whether it was relief or remorse.
Unlocking the door, Buffy stood back and let the brunette enter, unable to
make eye contact with him.

“I have a feeling I know why you’re here,” she said softly, shutting the
door. “Go ahead and sit down.”

As Angel took a seat in a nearby chair, Buffy sat down on the couch,
bringing her legs up to her chest.

“Out with it,” she said, raising her eyes to his.

“He’s worried about you.”

“Considering he was there and he knows exactly what he did to me, I would be
a little surprised if he wasn’t worried.”

“What should I tell him?”

“Let him worry,” Buffy replied, her eyes cold as she looked at him.

Angel stayed quiet for a moment, clasping his hands in front of him. “Are
you alright?”

“I-”

“And I don’t want a generic answer,” he said, cutting her off. “I’m asking
you if you’re really alright, and I have a feeling that the answer should be
a resounding ‘no’.”

“Alright,” Buffy replied, standing up and pacing around the small living
room. “If you really want to know- NO! I’m not alright!”

Seeing the tears in her eyes, Angel gave her a compassionate look but
stayed quiet as she walked around the area.

“What does he expect?” she cried, throwing her arms up in the air. “It was
like he was trying to get rid of me. ‘Flirt with other girls- check. Shoot
up on heroin- check. Attack your girlfriend- check.’” Dropping down on the
couch, Buffy bit her lip as tears came to her eyes. “He raped me,” she
murmured, causing Angel’s eyes to widen in shock. “Maybe not physically,
but he stripped me of every emotional strength and defense that I have. He
made me feel like…like I was worthless.” Raising her eyes to Angel’s, she
tightened her jaw in anger. “He made me feel like a victim, and that’s
something that I don’t take lightly. So go back to your client or your
friend or whatever the hell you consider him to be today and tell him that
it was a job well done.”

Standing up, Buffy walked toward the door, twisting the knob when she heard
Angel’s voice behind her. “He’s in pain, Buffy.”

“Good.”

“I know you think that’s what he deserves and maybe he does. Lord knows that I wanted him to hurt and I only caught the end of the show. But he’s trying to quit with everything. He’s making plans to…he’s really trying this time and he’s scared to death that he hurt you. And I need to ask you what you want me to tell him.”

Tears came to her eyes as Buffy tried to think of something she could say.

“Tell him…tell him that…that I’m okay. Tell him I don’t want to see him.
Tell him that he hurt me, but it was disregarding my feelings that hurt the
most….tell him I trusted him and all I want is for him to get better. But
he needs to get better for himself and not for me, because I…I just can’t be
with him…not right now.”

Never facing Angel, Buffy opened the door and waited for him to walk through
before closing it and dissolving in tears for what she told herself would be
the final time.




A/N Just remember that this wasn’t really Spike- he was under the influence of something and he would never react to her that way if he’d been in his right mind. Huge thank you’s to Allison for supporting my decision with the previous chapter and pj for offering suggestions throughout the rest of the story!!!


Thanks so much to: spuffette, TammyAsh666, Mari, dedicated reader, melissa, Franchesca, Crystal Pegasus, Tahmoe, gypsy_jin, Ash, Laine, Amanda, Caitie, bint, Alicia, Sevvy_O, BuffyandSpikeForever, jenny, Cordykitten & Juanita for reviewing!





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