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Chapter 16

He knew standing outside her home in the wee hours of the morning was a mistake. He didn’t know whether Wilkins was still having him followed, and were someone to see him, it would only make matters worse.

He should talk with her, try to explain. He should scale that post as he had the night before and pour out his heart, give the reasons for why he was suddenly backtracking on his promises that had seemed so hopeful in the early morning light. Now, in the deepest dark of the night, he realized they’d been nothing more than an illusion.

There was no welcoming light from her room tonight. She must be asleep, ready to rise early for the new day and the voyage for which he’d had such high hopes. He wondered briefly if she had been truly ill at the dinner party tonight or merely eager to leave the less than stellar company, and whether she was angry with him now for not coming to see her sooner.

Which brought him back to the dilemma at hand. Should he just leave it for now? Not discuss the matter until they’d completed this trip, where he could properly explain, reason with her, and steal a few more precious days of bliss. But what could he say to her even then? Ask her to let him love her in private while she stood by and watched him marry another woman? Be a dirty little secret for the rest of their lives? The fact that she was the most powerful arrow against him in Wilkins’ quiver of blackmail was truly ironic, for he could think of no solution to the problem which would leave her unharmed, and that was the one price he was unwilling to pay.

He buried his face in his hands as he realized the futility of fighting the mire that gripped him. He needed to think, to try to come to some solution before he spoke with her. Tomorrow would be soon enough.

"Goodnight, my love," he whispered, as he walked dejectedly down the street.

~~~~~~~~~~

She let the curtain fall back in place as his figure disappeared from her sight. Had he come up, would she have let him in? Could she have pretended ignorance of what had occurred? She made her way back to the bed and sat down, feeling as fragile and vulnerable as a bird with a broken wing. She could at least be thankful he hadn’t forced that choice upon her, because she doubted she could have avoided the confrontation, and it was all still too raw.

It had been painfully obvious what had happened, once she’d taken the time to reflect on it. He’d barely glanced at Harmony throughout the dinner and she’d seemed truly distraught at the prospect of wedding him, so it was hardly a love match. No, he’d made a deal with Wilkins, just as her father had with the Crawfords. It was business, pure and simple.

But that didn’t make the pain any less at all. Somehow she’d let herself be wooed into believing he was different. Not like Angel, or Parker, or Holland, or even her father, who had all seen her as a commodity, a thing of value, rather than a person. She’d been so foolish to believe he wanted her, Buffy, even though she’d no longer had land or connections. Foolish to believe that he could want her simply because he loved her.

The covers were still rumpled and unmade from the night before and she curled into the bed, wishing she hadn’t foolishly prevented Fred from changing the linens this morning, wanting to preserve the lingering smell of William that came from the pillow.

She buried her face in the fabric, letting the regret recede for the briefest of moments in the wash of sensory memories that assaulted her. Flashes of the way his skin had glowed in the light of the flickering candle as he’d buried himself in her, crooning praise for her beauty and the response of her body as she’d lost herself in heady sensations, the like of which she’d never experienced before. And afterwards, when she’d blushed at her wantonness and tried to hide away, to pull back on the voluminous nightgown, the way his gaze had stopped her, had made her proud and bold and allowed her to lie uncovered as he’d outlined her skin.

She remembered how, when the urgency and need of the coupling had passed, the time for exploration had begun. His skin had been salty beneath her tongue, as she’d followed his lead, tasting the smooth flesh beneath his ear, the tautness where his neck and shoulder joined. Her fingers had danced down the planes of his chest until . . . She threw the pillow across the room, unwilling to remember more.

The sick feeling in her stomach returned and she huddled on the bed, wishing she could make the last day disappear. A small voice still whispered that he must care for her, perhaps a little, after the way he’d loved her the night before. Or was she confusing the ecstasy of the physical coupling with a true emotion? She had so little experience that she simply couldn’t tell anymore.

She smoothed the crumpled note in her hand, now tear streaked and worn, and realized that come daylight, there was really no choice. She’d been foolish. She’d broken the vows that she’d made, to never again allow anyone else control over her life. She’d been within a hair’s breadth of playing the part of the silly, needy widow she most certainly was not. But tonight’s revelation had been like the shock of cold water to a drunk, the wake up call she’d needed, to help her focus again.

If she could only cling to that resolve when she looked into his eyes.

The clock continued its relentless ticking as she noted the time on the face. The household would soon be rising and she’d have to announce that she was not going with them to England. She’d come up with a somewhat plausible excuse, though she suspected Willow would see right through it. But she didn’t think she could bear the trip, the days and nights in such close proximity to the man who’d broken her heart.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Will, you ready to go?" Xander knocked on the door of his friend’s bedroom, surprised he hadn’t already found him stirring downstairs. "We’ll need to leave with the carriage soon to pick up the harem of ladies you’ve acquired for this trip."

Xander knocked again before opening the door to find William sitting on the edge of the bed staring into the mirror, clothes rumpled and eyes bloodshot.

"Oh no, here we go again," Xander mumbled to himself as he shut the door behind him and pulled over the armchair from the corner. "Will, what’s the matter now? Things not go well with Wilkins?"

Will blinked and slowly turned to look at his friend. "I look more like him every day, don’t I, Xander?"

"’Fraid you’ve lost me there. Who?"

"My father."

"Well, you always did have something of a resemblance to the old man, but . . ." Xander stopped. "Will, just tell me what happened. You’ll feel better."

"Wilkins knows, about Buffy, about everything. Had me investigated, wanted to make sure I was a safe bet for this little venture I suppose." He swallowed hard. "I tried, Xan, I did. Told him we didn’t want the bloody permits, that I didn’t care for his daughter and that I’d pay him damages. And he just laughed."

He hung his head. "Laughed like the devil himself. And then he told me we’d make a dynasty, he and I. Apparently sees me as his ticket to success. Told me if I didn’t go through with it, didn’t expand the company, didn’t marry the girl, he’d go after Buffy."

"He threatened to hurt Buffy?"

Will nodded. "Oh, not physically. Just to ruin her reputation so she couldn’t show her face here again." He gave a hoarse laugh. "Buffy would be dragged through the mud and muck because of me, Xander, because she was foolish enough to let me in."

He walked over to the mirror and touched the reflection. "So yeah, now I think I’m seeing my father’s eyes in my face. Because I know the hell he lived in." He turned abruptly. "I can’t tell her yet Xander, I just can’t. Stood outside her house for hours last night, wanting to try to explain, to make her understand it wasn’t meant to be this way. But I couldn’t find the words. I can’t let her go yet. I can’t let her go. But I have to, for her sake."

He picked up the pitcher from the dresser and hurled it at the fireplace, watching as it shattered into a thousand shards.

"Is it wrong Xander? To wait until we come back? To give us this time together?"

Xander placed his hand gently on his friend’s shoulder. "Probably so Will. But I can’t tell you what to do. That’s something you have to decide for yourself. But we’d best be going."

~~~~~~~~~~

"Mr. Montgomery, Mr. Harris, we’re all ready to go!"

William tried to paste on a smile for the eager Dawn, who was more animated than he’d ever seen her. Her reluctance seemed to have receded for the time being at the prospect of the trip with so many people she adored.

"Wonderful Dawn, go tell the others we are here."

Buffy was the last through the door, stopping for a moment to say something to Fred, who looked briefly puzzled, then nodded and returned to the house. He watched her as she descended the stairs, the quiet grace in her movements as her dark skirts swayed around her. She felt like a cool drink to his thirsty soul, just the sight of her, and he knew that he couldn’t let her go quite yet, no matter how selfish it might seem. There had to be a way out, had to be a solution.

And then it hit him. Anyone as devious as Wilkins must have his own skeletons in his closet. The best way to fight fire was with fire, and if Wilkins wanted to play dirty, William would show him that he was quite capable of it too. As he waited for Buffy to join the others already seated in the carriage, he pulled Xander to the side and quickly outlined his idea.

"William, that’s perfect. I’ll see about getting an investigator right away."

Satisfied, William turned away to find Buffy right in front of him, her eyes unusually large in her pale face. He resisted the urge to caress her cheek so openly in public and contented himself with taking her hand and placing a small kiss on her delicate glove.

"Does sailing make you nervous?"

She shook her head. "No, William, not sailing. Shall we be off?"

~~~~~~~~~~

The docks were already bustling when they arrived. Willow and Tara oohed and ahhed over the ship, and the lovely cabin they were to share and Dawn was enchanted with the Captain’s cabin that had been allocated for her and Buffy. Xander pulled William aside for a final reassurance that he would take care of the matter and then was preparing to leave the ship, when Buffy grabbed his arm.

"Xander, could you wait one moment? I’d like to ride back with you."

He raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Ride back? Buffy, I don’t . . . "

"Will you just wait a moment?"

She turned and rejoined the group, and as Xander watched, he realized she wasn’t going after all. Dawn began to cry and hug her fiercely, but although she comforted the girl, he could see the look of determination had not budged from her face. And then William walked up, and he knew a real explosion was about to occur. Because, he realized, William didn’t have to worry about Buffy finding out. She already knew.

~~~~~~~~~~

"It’ll will be fine Dawn, really it will. And you’ll be home for the holidays, I’m sure we can arrange that. Or perhaps we can visit you. I just learned last night that I have family obligations that force me to stay in town. Now dry your eyes, Dawnie, it will be alright."

Willow cleared her throat, "Are you sure Lilah needs you, Buffy?" Her tone was rather skeptical and Buffy knew Willow hadn’t believe for a moment the rather thin excuse she’d come up with. Willow glanced at William’s haggard face as he drew abreast of the group and then back at Buffy’s similar tired expression before nodding slowly. "If you think it’s best."

"I do."

"You do what?" William noted the tear marks on Dawn’s cheeks and the somber mood that had settled over the group which had been so buoyant only moments before.

"William, could we talk privately for a moment?"

He directed her towards the captain’s quarters, his heart sinking with every step as they drew nearer. He shut the door behind them to ensure their privacy and then turned to find her staring at him with unfathomable eyes.

"I can’t go with you, William."

He sat down heavily in the chair beside the small table to the side of the door. He’d known she was going to say that, yet, actually hearing the words still hit like a hammer.

"Is it because of last night? Or the night before? Buffy, I . . ."

"Don’t. Please. I don’t think explanations are called for and there isn’t much time before you have to sail. William, I know you are betrothed to Harmony. And I think I understand why. It was an arrangement with her father, was it not?"

Defeated, he nodded. "Yes. It was, but oh Buffy, she means nothing to me." He crossed the room to where she still stood frozen. "Love, you have to believe me, it all happened before I met you and . . ."

She placed her hand on his lips to stop the flow of words, excuses, justifications, lest she burst into tears and given in to the lies he could spin. She choked back a sob. No, not even lies, because there was even now something so heartfelt in his eyes that she couldn’t be convinced that he didn’t mean what he was saying. And somehow that made it worse.

"No more. William, I can’t go with you. I . . ."

A knock at the door startled them both and Buffy stepped away quickly as Clement popped his head in the room.

"Captain, we need to . . ." He trailed off as he registered the presence of a woman standing to the side and William’s focus on her. "I beg pardon, I didn’t realize you were, er . . . entertaining. I’ll just be going."

"No, I have to go as well." Without a final glance, Buffy turned and fled towards the door with William on her heels.

"Buffy, no, wait."

He stopped short on the main deck under the scrutiny of his and her friends’ gaze.

"Xander, I’m ready to leave now. Would you mind escorting me back?"

Xander gave a small apologetic shrug and followed her as she left the ship. Clement spoke quietly from William’s side. "Captain, we really need to sail or we’ll miss the morning tide."

William watched as she disappeared from view down the dock, her posture rigid and uncompromising. If she would only look back, just once. But her focus seemed undeterred and his heart sank faster than an anchor to the depths of the ocean.

He sighed. "Let’s be off then, Clem."

Willow quietly approached. "I know you have things you have to do. But when we get out to sea, you and I are going to talk about what just happened." Her steely voice left no room for compromise and he nodded.

~~~~~~~~~~

The carriage ride back began quietly. Buffy appeared lost in her thoughts, her face drawn and pale.

"So, would you like to talk?"

She turned and offered him a wan smile. "I don’t think so. I suppose you know, though?"

He shrugged. "Well, there are things I know, yes. And given what just happened, I’m guessing you know them as well. But I doubt you know all of the things I know."

She gave him a searching glance before looking away. "And what would that be?"

"The fact that William adores you. That he’s never been so taken with a woman before. That he was willing to give up the plans we’d made for you, because he realized how much of a mistake he’d made."

Her heart clenched at Xander’s words, a strange little flutter of hope that she didn’t dare let live, but she firmly quashed it.

"That doesn’t change the fact that he’s still going to marry her, does it?"

Xander bit his tongue. Was it his place to explain? He suspected William didn’t want Buffy to know of how Wilkins had blackmailed him.

"Just give him a chance, Buffy. He’s trying to work this out. He really is."

She smiled sadly. "I’m sure that he is."

He gently pulled the reins to slow the horses in front of her home and she scrambled from the carriage before he could offer her aid, calling a brief thanks over her shoulder as she hurried into the house. He watched her for a moment, unsure of whether he should follow and offer more explanation, but the slamming of the door behind her seemed to firmly answer his question. Buffy was not in the mood to discuss anything right now. He chucked to the horses and pulled away.

~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy shut the door and slowly sank to the floor, as the tears she’d held at bay for what seemed like hours now welled up again.

"Miss Buffy, are you alright?"

She tried to compose herself again, but she couldn’t stop the waterfall of tears that had begun to stream down her cheeks. "Just, just, need a moment or so, Fred." She waved a hand in a vacant gesture as if to indicate the sight of her crumpled in the foyer was of no concern.

Fred ignored the protest and sank to her knees beside her, thrusting a fresh handkerchief in her hands. "I’m sorry, Miss Buffy. Mr. William seemed so genuine. I suppose all men really are beasts." She rose and gently assisted Buffy in standing. "Let me help you up to your room, then I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and tell any callers you have that you aren’t available today." She wrinkled her nose. "Even Lilah Crawford."

Buffy nodded and followed slowly up the stairs, feeling exhausted after the events of the last two days. A little time to regroup was what she needed, to regain her focus. She’d been quite content before William Montgomery entered her life. She could be just as content now that he was gone from her life. She tried to ignore the small inner voice that whispered liar softly.

~~~~~~~~~~

The soft knock on the door of the captain’s quarters belied the force of will of its owner. William pushed away the paperwork he’d been trying unsuccessfully to use as a distraction for the last hour since they set sail. In reality, all he could see were her huge eyes, wounded and disappointed, as she refused to listen to him.

"Come in."

Willow entered as he stood and motioned her to the other chair. She seated herself, then pinned him with her gaze.

"William, what did you do to my cousin?"

He started to reply, but before he could begin, she held up her hand in a gesture of command. "No. Before you begin, you need to understand something. Buffy is one of the best people I know. She took me in when I needed a place to go, she’s accepted things about me that others won’t and she’s been my best friend since we were little girls. I love her as if she were my sister, William, and I do not want to see her hurt. She’s already gone through so much with that bastard Angel, may his soul burn in hell."

She leaned forward. "We all encouraged her to open up to you William. But you’ve hurt her. I don’t know how, but she was not the same Buffy who was so ecstatic yesterday morning. So start talking. What did you do to her last night?"

William actually felt a small frission of fear crawl up his spine as the diminutive young woman stared him down. Willow was more than a little intimidating in this posture, yet there was something in her gaze that made him think she hadn’t condemned him quite yet, but was willing to listen before passing judgment.

"They say confessions good for the soul." He shrugged, "Alright, Miss Willow, I hope you’ve got a while."





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