[Reviews - 14]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 2840 times

- Text Size +




Human. AU. Pain and anguish. I am trying something new. Let me know if you like it…hate it…whatever… First two chappies RE WRITTEN, CHAPTER 3 NEW.

Everybody hurts

‘I knew it. I shouldn’t have left. If I hadn’t left maybe... Maybe things would have been different. Maybe if I hadn’t taken it so hard. But you don’t understand. She was the love of my life. Still is if you take into account the fact that I hopped on a fucking plane after one tearful phone call.

Buffy.

The one woman who could reduce me to tears. Even after all this time…I still ache for her. I still wake up dreaming she is in my arms and that I didn’t fuck things up. We didn’t fuck things up. The one woman I would die for, kill for, she’s what I live for. I knew one day she’d call me back to her. I knew it. I could tell from the silent phone calls. Well almost silent anyway.

I guess I should start at the beginning, when we met and all of the things that happened to us. Maybe then you can understand.’

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

’I knew he’d come. I knew all I needed to do was pick up the phone and ask him to. I hung up, cuddled my pillow tighter and tried to stop crying. He’s coming, so it’s easier to take deep calming breaths. Everything is easier. Now that I know he’s on his way.

Spike. William.

The only man who knows me better than I know myself. I wish things could have been different for us. Things got so messed up. That’s why I’m so glad I called him. I should have done it two years ago. Hell I never should have let him leave. We both made decisions that we regret…I’m sure of that. But I knew if I picked up the phone…I knew he’d come.

Maybe I should start at the beginning, when we met…’

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“William? William Giles? I’m Buffy, the student assigned to show you around for the day…”

“It’s Spike.” I practically growled as I turned around to face whomever it was that had called me by my given name, ready to kick ass and take names, I swear. Until I got a good look at her. My breath caught in my throat.

“Spike? What kind of name is that?” Scoffing, she flipped her beautiful golden hair over her shoulder and smiled coyly at me.

That was it. Bang. Love at first sight. I didn’t believe that you could just look at someone and fall in love but she had that affect on me. I couldn’t breathe in her presence, she captivated me, she bloody well stunned me, and made my heart race ten thousand miles a bloody minute it felt like. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and kiss her, pull her body tightly against mine and never let her go.

But one couldn’t do that on their first day of high school. Especially at a new school. Especially when you didn’t know anyone. Especially when this gorgeous creature had been assigned to show me around the school, assigned to be with me all day.

Bloody lucky that. So I smiled my cockiest smile and leaned a little closer. I licked my lips and looked straight into her big green eyes. “What kind of name is Buffy?” I raised one eyebrow and smirked again.

“I asked you first.” She squealed poking me in the stomach. I caught her hand and didn’t let go.

“It’s my nickname, Friends gave it to me…they were teasing me about my hair…It just stuck.” I noticed that she didn’t let go of my hand. I smiled at that. “So…What about you pet?”

“My baby sister…when she started talking…she couldn’t say ‘Elisabeth’. She called me Buffy…It just stuck.” She was still letting me hold her hand.

“Where to first?” I asked as I started walking. She kept my hand.

“First class is science. After that, math then gym.” We arrived in front of a classroom and she stopped. “Mr. Trebly teaches Science, he’s ok.” She kept hold of my hand and pulled me through the door. We took seats beside each other. She didn’t drop my hand until the teacher walked in through the door.

We kept stealing little glances at each other throughout the class and as soon as it ended she reached for my hand again. From that moment on we were inseparable.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So Snider (yes the weasel of a principal) decided that he was going to punish me by ‘forcing’ me to show the new guy around. What an idiot. Spike was…well gorgeous is totally an understatement. When he turned around and growled, yes growled at me that his name was Spike…I knew. I knew I was going to fall in love with him. So I let him hold my hand, I let myself fall in love with him. And it was so easy, so easy.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Xander and Willow. The three of them had been friends since diapers, all of their mother’s had taken them to the same playgroup. Every Tuesday and Thursday for two years. Once school started their friendship deepened and strengthened. They needed each other.

It is very rare to remain friends with someone that long. She told me all about them in gym. It was just before lunch. Just before I would meet them. I was terrified. What if they didn’t like me and that made Buffy turn her back on me. I was already falling for her. Hard.

I opened the door to the cafeteria and let her walk in first. As soon as I walked through beside her she grabbed my hand and led them to the table they always sat at. I pulled out her chair and pushed it in once she sat down.

She made the introductions. Her friends? They welcomed me with open arms. It felt wonderful to be accepted just like that.

I think they could tell I had fallen for Buffy. Who wouldn’t? She was smart and gorgeous. And so bloody sweet. God. I love her so much. I kept stealing glances at her. I think my smile could have lit up the room when she pulled my hand into hers and rested them against my thigh.

Over the next couple of months we became couples Buffy and I, Xander and Willow.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It shocked me when Willow and Xander became a couple. Then I realized that they were just waiting for me to find someone so they could tell me they were in love. I started noticing glances they were stealing at each other. So that's how it was. The four of us together.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Shit. Plane’s landing. Very soon I’ll be at her house. Need to prepare myself. I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and was instantly back in time, the last time I saw her, hooked up to all those machines, looking so lost, so scared. Tears streaming down her face mirrored mine. “Goodbye Buffy.”

I turned on my heel, I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms…tell her it didn’t matter, tell her everything would be ok, I wanted to believe it myself. But I couldn’t and I knew it. That’s why I left.

The sobbing didn’t start until I got behind the wheel of my Desoto.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I can’t breathe. I know he’ll be here soon. I can almost feel him coming closer. Maybe it was a bad idea to ask him to come back. I don’t care though. I know he’ll take care of me. I know it. He always did. Always. There was only one time he let me down, only one time my tears went unnoticed. Once. It was the end of us.

I begged him not to leave. I pleaded and cried. He turned his back on me and kept walking. I didn’t stop crying for three days. They let me go home from the hospital and I just lay in bed. If it wasn’t for Willow and Xander forcing me to eat and drink I would have ended up back there in that hospital bed.

It hurt so much. So much I felt like I was dying. I let him go. If I could have gone after him I would have found him in his car and maybe things would have been different. If I wasn’t hooked up to machines…if…

I turned up the radio. It helped to take my mind off of that night. One of my favorite songs was playing. It was a song that made me think of him. I played it over and over after he left. That song made me realize that maybe he would be there again someday.


When your day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts, sometimes ...

Sometimes everything is wrong,
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (hold on)
If you think you've had too much of this life
Well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand, oh no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
no, no, no, you're not alone

If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
of this life, to hang on

Well everybody hurts,
sometimes, everybody cries,
And everybody hurts ...
sometimes
But everybody hurts sometimes
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts
You're not alone

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I walked slowly up the steps of the porch. The house looked exactly the same. I couldn’t bring myself to knock. I was putting off the inevitable and I knew it, just couldn’t help it. I sat my suitcase down and lit up a smoke.

I know she’ll give me flack when she smells it on me. That thought made me smile. I know her well. Bloody hell. I hear that familiar song start through her open window. She called me in London about six months after I left. I checked the call display. It was her number. My heart beat wildly in my chest. ‘Oh god. What do I say to her?.’ I was still angry. And hurt. Confused.

I picked up the receiver. “Hello?” I could hear the soft music playing in the background, I could hear her crying. Gut wrenching sobs, gasping for air. Never had I wanted to take her in my arms more. “What’s that all about then?” I asked.

She didn’t say anything. She just continued to cry. “Did something happen?” I asked. Hating myself for caring.

“If I asked would you come back?”

“Are you askin’?” I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I would. I missed her so much. I would have given anything to be able to hold her.

She didn’t say anything else. I just listened while she cried. It broke my heart, but I was half a world away, and no matter how much I wanted to, even hating myself for wanting it, wanting her. It was so hard listening to her cry herself to sleep, and it hurt that a tiny part of me was glad that she hurt. Glad this wasn’t easy for her. But the thing that hurt the most? I couldn’t take her in my arms and kiss her tears dry from half a world away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I broke down and called him. I couldn’t help myself. I was so hurt, and getting drunk was not a good idea. I punished myself for six months. Six months of not leaving my dorm room except to go to classes, Christmas came and went, and I hadn’t heard from him. I knew then that I’d lost him for good. It was a week after Valentines’ day when Willow forced me to go to the Bronze with her and some of our other friends.

“Come on Buffy. I’m not taking no for an answer. You’ve been moping for a long time. You need to live a little.”

“I’m not ready Will. Please…it’s so hard…” I whimpered, tugging his duster tighter around me.

“You’re going!” She said firmly pulling me up from the bed.

So I did. We got to the table, everyone made me feel welcome, tried to make me feel as if I hadn’t been absent from their lives for half a year.

There was a guy there. Riley. He started talking to me, about class, about himself. He’d just moved to Sunnydale. He was a nice guy and all, but I wasn’t ready. I told him that. He said it was fine. He really was a nice guy, didn’t try to push, didn’t try to ask why I was such a mess, just tried to be my friend, you know?

So anyways. I started drinking. I had probably about five drinks before Willow noticed. She was off dancing with the gang, and when she returned to the table I saw her glance at the glasses littering the table. “Did you drink all these?” She asked. It wasn’t like she was being judgmental, she just wanted to know.

I nodded, feeling the tears well in my eyes. “I screwed up Will. I screwed up really bad.” I couldn’t stop them from falling. I was Drunk. Smashed really and I was miserable.

She took me back to my dorm room and tucked me into bed. “Do you want me to stay?” She asked. I could hear the concern in her voice.

“I just want to be alone.” I whispered.

She nodded. “If you need anything you call me. I’m only down the hall.”

“Thanks Willow. I love you.”

“I love you too Buff. Now rest okay?”

When I heard her lock the door I pulled my phone onto my bed with me. Of course I had memorized his phone number. I hadn’t used it, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t burned into my memory. It was my only link to him.

I pushed play, and repeat on the song that was holding me together. I took a deep breath and dialed. I had no idea what I was going to say to him. Being drunk as I was I just wanted to hear his voice.

“Hello?” When he picked up the phone, and spoke so casually into it, I lost it. I didn’t think I had anymore tears left. I couldn’t talk at all, gasping for breath. I almost missed his soft-spoken words.

“What’s that all about then?” He asked. God all I wanted at that moment was for him to be here with me holding me and telling me everything would be okay. I wanted him to tell me it didn’t matter. That we would work it out. But he didn’t.

I didn’t say anything. There wasn’t anything I could say.

“Did something happen?” He asked. I wanted to tell him I missed him. I wanted to tell him I counted the days, hours, since he held me last. I wanted to tell him I was wrong.

I wanted so desperately to believe he still cared about me. But after what I did, I couldn’t blame him for hating me, for wanting to be as far away from me as possible.

“If I asked…would you come back?” I choked out. I had to ask. I needed to know. I wanted to beg. I wanted to tell him I would do anything to have him in my arms again, but the words just wouldn’t come. After what I did what right did I have to ask anything of him?

“Are you askin’?” I could hear the anger in his voice. I could imagine the expression on his face, lip curled up eyes, darkened with anger and hate. Directed at me.

I didn’t say anything else. Either did he. I just cried. My heart was shattered beyond repair. He was half a world away, and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt and anger him further by asking him to come back. I was still so broken, that if he rejected me at that moment…I probably would have died from a broken heart. So I stayed silent and cried myself to sleep while he listened.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I stubbed out my smoke just as the door opened. I was pulled out of my memories quickly because suddenly I had my arms full of crying teenager.

Dawn.

“Spike. Oh god I missed you so much. It feels like forever since I’ve seen you…”

“Hey bit.” I hugged her back. I missed her too. Almost as much as her big sister. “How you holding up?” I asked, noticing her red-rimmed eyes.

“I’m okay…She’s upstairs. In her room…want me to tell her you’re here? Or are you jut gonna go up?” She pulled back and looked into my eyes.

“I’ll just go up…”

“Spike?”

“Yeah bit?”

“She still loves you…”

“I still love her too…” I have been in love with her since I was fifteen. I never stopped. Even for the short time I convinced myself I hated her. I never stopped loving her. Not for one second.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Buffy? You awake?”

“You came…” I couldn’t help the tears that choked me when I heard his voice, in the same room as me, after two years. I needed him so much and he came. I rolled over and he was beside my bed, holding his arms out to me.

I couldn’t have stopped myself if I wanted to, my body launched towards him. It’s a good thing he knows me so well, he braced himself just before impact so we didn’t end up on the floor.

I could feel his fingers stroking my hair softly. “Sorry it took me so long to get here…”

“Sorry it took me so long to ask you to came back…”

“At least you did…”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

TBC…





You must login (register) to review.