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Everybody hurts_2

I could feel his fingers stroking my hair softly. “Sorry it took me so long to get here…”

“Sorry it took me so long to ask you to came back…”

“At least you did…”

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I remember everything about her, her scent, how she felt in my arms. I could see the tears shining in her eyes and hear them in her voice. All I wanted to do was hold her. Like I used to. Like I did before I let it get all fucked up.

She came rushing towards me and almost knocked me over. I held her tightly; I didn’t want to let her go. I didn’t want our past to intrude on this moment.

I said sorry and so did she. Neither one of us had the courage to say what we were really sorry for. Neither one of us had brought it up since I walked out of that hospital room. I hadn’t talked to anyone about it in the two years I was gone.

She pulled away first. She looked into my eyes. I guess she was satisfied with what she saw there cause she pulled me over to sit on her bed.

“Thank you for coming. I don’t think I would have made it through this myself.”

“Where is he ?” I didn’t mean to snarl. I really didn’t. But I was so bloody jealous. I wanted to kill him. He was there for her when I wasn’t. He got to hold her, talk to her. All I got was tearful phone calls where she didn’t say anything, just cried till she fell asleep.

“We…I broke up with him. It wasn’t…it wasn’t right. He wasn’t you.”

I almost missed that last bit. Almost, But I heard it. It gave me reason to hope this could be a chance for us to start over.

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Not only were we boyfriend and girlfriend. Spike was my best friend. We shared everything. I told him things I swore I would take to my grave. We spent three and a half amazing years together.

We waited to make love for the first time. Both of us wanted to save ourselves for marriage.

Spike gave me a promise ring for my eighteenth birthday. We had a long talk and decided that we wanted to give our virginity to each other, knowing how much we loved one another what ever came next we were confidant that we could make it through.

Prom night. Graduation from high school. No longer children. We rented a hotel room for the night. Both of us packed overnight bags, both of us were terrified.

We had done things sexually. There are ways of pleasing someone that don’t involve penis in vagina penetration. This was different though. Once we made love there would be no going back. You can’t go back to holding hands, kissing and petting after you’ve made love.

Both of us knew that. Both of us were ready. We had waited a long time. A lot longer than most of our friends. Willow and Xander had been having sex for over a year. Some of our friends even had kids.

I could feel his body pressed against mine. His presence was overwhelming to me. I could smell him. That distinctly Spike smell. I missed that so much.

“Nervous?” He asked. He was chewing his bottom lip. He is the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on.

“Yeah…and excited. A little scared too…”

“So am I Luv…” He opened his arms to me and I melted against him. I could feel the hardness of his cock pressing into me. He lifted my chin and kissed me so tenderly it left me breathless. “It’s just us…nothing to be scared of…if either one of us wants to stop…we stop…”

“I…” Couldn’t even finish the thought. I leaned towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I pressed my mouth to his and ground my hips so my stomach rubbed suggestively against his hardness.

“God…Buffy…I love you…”

“I love you too Spike. Make love to me…please…” He unbuttoned my blouse and pushed it down my shoulders. I could feel his eyes on me and it made me shiver deliciously. He ran his finger lightly over my breast, where the lace met flesh. It gave me Goosebumps.

“So beautiful…” He murmured as his lips followed the path his finger just abandoned.

I pulled the t-shirt from the waistband of his jeans. He helped me pull it over his head. It fell unnoticed to the floor. My bra soon followed. He pulled me up against him and ran his fingers softly down my back.

I didn’t want to wait any longer. I pulled at the buttons of his jeans. I heard his low rumbling chuckle. “That’s my girl. Impatient as ever.” He turned his gorgeous smile on me and I melted.

He helped me pull my jeans and panties off. I stood before him completely naked. He almost ripped his pants trying to get them off he quickly removed his underwear and socks. Suddenly he stood before me naked. He has an amazing body. I love him so much. I wanted to make love to him.

I leaned back on the bed and watched him crawl up towards me. I had butterflies in my stomach. He kissed my stomach softly. “You ok?” He asked looking into my eyes.

I could only nod and smile. I was too nervous to speak. He pulled my thighs a little further apart and kneeled between my legs. He looked down at me and ran his fingers slowly over my pussy, sliding two finger in gently he began to move them in and out.

I rocked against him and gasped. “Ready for me?”

“Yes…please Spike…I want you inside me…”

He leaned forward and took his cock into his hand. I could feel it brushing against my wetness. He started to push forward into me. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth.

“You ok Buffy?” He whispered in my ear.

“It hurts…”

“I know baby…you want me to stop?”

“No…I want to keep going…”

He leaned over and kissed me. His tongue rubbed slowly against mine. I felt his finger tracing my nipple, causing it to stiffen. He cupped by breast in his hand and leaned over to lick it with his tongue.

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I couldn’t take it anymore, feeling her heat surrounding the head of my cock. I had her beautiful willing body beneath me.

I felt her relaxing under me when I took her nipple in my mouth and sucked gently. Our first time. It was amazing. It was everything I could have ever dreamed.

I slowly pushed my hips forward and heard her gasp in pain as I felt something inside of her break. I groaned and pushed in again. Suddenly she was right there with me rocking her hips. I could feel her clenching and unclenching around me.

“Spike…oh god…I love you so much…”

“I love you too Buffy…”

“I think I’m gonna…”

“I’m gonna cum too baby…come with me…”

We moaned into each other’s mouths as we shattered. I rolled to the side of her and pulled her against me. I could feel her trembling. “You ok?”

“Yeah…I just…” The tears started. I just held and rocked her. Her tears subsided.

“Why were you crying?” I asked when she calmed down.

“It was just so…intense…so amazing…why did we wait so long?” She asked as she leaned over and captured my mouth with hers.

We made love three times that night. We fell into an exhausted sleep entwined together.

We awoke the next day, and it was…Our relationship had taken the next level easily. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable.

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We had two months of bliss. Two months of complete and utter happiness. Two months until…

I was such an idiot. I was on the pill, but we still should of used condoms. I got pregnant that first night because the pill I was on wasn’t strong enough for me. We never talked about what we would do if I got pregnant. I mean I had university to attend, So did he.

We had plans for our lives, plans that didn’t include having a baby. We were going to continue our relationship the way it was until we were finished school, and then get married. We were going to buy a house and both work for a few years, you know save some money so that I could take time off of work to raise kids. We were going to have four of them. Didn’t matter if they were boys or girls as long as they were healthy.

We talked a lot about our future. My family loved him and his family loved me. Both of our families got along amazingly well. They could see a future for us. That’s why everyone was so devastated when he left.

That’s why I was so devastated.

“You don’t look so well sweetheart…you ok?” I was leaning against him. We were hanging out with our friends at the beach. It was the end of July.

“I think it’s the heat…I’m not feeling so well.” I was feeling nauseous and lightheaded. “I…I think I just want to go home and lay down…”

“Ok…I’ll take you…” He took me home and helped me into bed. He got a cool cloth for my head and made me some tea.

My parents and Dawn left the day before. They went to visit my dad’s brother…my uncle…in Florida. They were going to be there for three weeks, coming back only in time to help me move into my dorm and get Dawn ready for junior high.

Spike stayed with me for a bit. When I got sleepy he went to run a few errands. When I woke up again he was there, sitting beside my bed just watching me.

“How you feeling?”

“Ok I guess…must be that bug that’s going around.”

“Want something to eat?” The thought turned my stomach again.

“Uuhhhh no. I’m not hungry.”

“Want to go downstairs?”

“Why don’t you crawl into bed with me?” He did. He held me all night. We laid there talking, about our future.

We had so much hope. We were convinced that we would be together forever…if I thought for one second that it would have devastated us like that I would have talked to him, but I was scared…terrified…one of my good friends (Cordillia) got pregnant by accident, when she told her boyfriend…he broke up with her. He called her all kinds of nasty names and now…the baby is three months old and hasn’t seen his father Jesse and, never will either. He killed himself the day the baby was born.

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She didn’t tell me. I had no idea…I thought if you were on the pill it was like a guarantee that you wouldn’t get pregnant. If I knew…if I had any idea that it was possible…I would have said different things to her, I wouldn’t have told her that we need to save money and buy a house before we started a family…If I thought there was even a remote possibility that she was pregnant I would have told her…I would have told her how much loved and needed her and that we could work it out. Ultimately it would have been her decision, her body after all, but at least I could have had some say. Our families loved each other…they would have accepted it and helped us through. But I didn’t know. She didn’t tell me. I thought she could talk to me about anything, but I was wrong. I didn’t know.

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A week later I was still feeling crappy. I had thrown up a couple of times. I was alone when that happened…Spike…we both had things other than each other to occupy our time…So no one knew.

I decided I would go and see my doctor so I made an appointment for the next day.

“We need to do a pregnancy test.”

“But I’m not…I can’t be…”

“Have you been sexually active?”

“Yes. But I’m on the pill…”

“Did you use a second form of contraception?”

“No.”

“Were you aware that the pill is not always one hundred percent effective?”

“I…I knew that…but I didn’t think…” I could feel the tears forming.

“Buffy…let’s just take the test…”

I nodded. I went to pee in the test tube and then went into the waiting room as I was instructed. I had to wait for her to call me. It was the longest ten minutes of my life.

She called me back into her office and told me the news.

“You are pregnant.” She looked at me apologetically.

I gasped and tried to hold in the tears. “There are a few options that you have…you can have the baby…”

“That’s not really an option for me right now…I’m starting school in a few weeks…”

“You could give the baby up for adoption…”

“I don’t think I could do that…carry my baby for nine months and then give it to someone else…”

“The last option is to terminate the pregnancy…”

“An abortion?”

“Yes.”

I was sent to the hospital after I made my decision. I had to see an anesthesiologist, and a gynecologist. They explained the procedure to me and showed me the thing they were going to insert into my uterus.

It was supposed to open up the cervix and dilate me so that they could scrape out the cells. My baby. Mine and Spike’s.

“We are ready to do the procedure now…you’ll need someone to pick you up if you want to leave right away.”

“I don’t have someone that can come and get me.”

“We can send you home in a taxi after three hours.” The doctor looked at me sympathetically. “Then you come back tomorrow and the rest is taken care of…”

“Ok. I’m ready.”

They put me out and inserted the fibrous material into me.

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I was waiting for her when she arrived home. She looked into my eyes and the crying started. “What’s wrong Luv? Where were you? I’ve been so worried.” I took her in my arms and pulled her close.

“Spike…” It was all she said. She buried her face in my shoulder and sobbed. Deep bone wracking, heart wrenching sobs. I tried to get her to talk, tried to get her to open up. It hurt me so much to see her like that.

She wouldn’t talk though. Wouldn’t say a bloody word. She had this thing inside her, getting her ready to have our baby torn from her body and she wouldn’t say a word.

I sat on the couch and pulled her into my lap. All I could do was stroke her back soothingly.

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He was there when I got home. He was waiting for me. When I looked into his eyes…it really hit me. I was killing our baby. I couldn’t stop crying. He just held me. He didn’t know what was going on. He had no idea, and yet he offered me comfort, because he loved me.

That made it hurt all the more cause I realized then, in that moment, if I would have told him he would have been there for me. Too late now though, I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t. I really thought I would go back to the hospital tomorrow and no one would find out. We could go back to the way it was before. I could pretend like this never happened.

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I didn’t want to leave her the next day. She hadn’t said much to me and I was really worried. I’ve never seen her act like this. So desperate…

I found out why. I shouldn’t have left. I should have stayed with her. If I had stayed she would have had no choice but to tell me.

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I made my way to the hospital. They took me to my room right away. They did the procedure quickly and put me into a recovery room.

I awoke there alone and scared. I didn’t know where I was for a few minutes and then it all came rushing back. Spike…The baby…everything.

I let the tears fall silently. They kept me for four hours and then they let me go home.

I walked in to an empty house and went straight to the shower. I stayed in there until the water ran cold. I got out of the shower and stepped onto the mat. I didn’t feel very well. I glanced into the mirror and noticed that I was gray.

I must have passed out, I fell onto bathroom floor. That’s where he found me. I’m pretty sure I was going into shock. I was loosing blood, hemorrhaging.

I could hear him screaming. I guess there was a lot of blood, I couldn’t see it. I was having a hard time opening my eyes, I couldn’t focus…couldn’t concentrate on his voice.

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“Buffy luv…oh god….what do I do? I don’t know what to do…” I ran to her room and grabbed the cordless and her robe. I wrapped it around her while dialing 911.

“911. What is your emergency?”

“My girlfriend…she’s passed out in the bathroom…she’s…bleeding…from her…you know…down there…so much blood…” I knelt beside her and brushed the hair away from her face.

“Is she breathing?”

“Yes…not strong…but it’s there…”

“Is anyone else there with you?”

“No…just us…”

“Where are you?”

“1630 Revello Drive. Please…don’t let her die on me…”

“Sir…Sir…What is your name?”

“Spike…William…I need her…she’s got to be ok…”

“Sir…is she pregnant?”

“What? No. No…I don’t think so…” I remembered how sick she had been. “She…she’s on the pill…”

“There’s a possibility she may be having a miscarriage…I’m sending and ambulance…they should be arriving any minute…”

“I can hear it…I can hear the sirens…”

“Ok. Spike now listen…Go and let them in…let them help her…”

“Yeah…” I ran for the door still on the phone. I ripped open the door as they pulled up to the curb. “Hurry…please…she’s upstairs in the bathroom…”

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I awoke in the hospital. Spike was sitting beside me holding my hand.

“Spike? What happened? I looked into his tear stained face.

“Did you know…you were pregnant…but the baby…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He sobbed brokenly. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…If I had been there…”

I didn’t know what to say. I opened my arms and he leaned in to me. We held each other for a long time, neither of us speaking.

The doctor came into the room a while later and asked if he could speak with me alone. Spike reluctantly left.

“Miss Summers? I’m sorry to tell you that there were some complications due to your recent abortion. We managed to fix it…although we are unsure at this time if you will be able to conceive children in the future…”

“I might not be able to have children?”

“We aren’t sure just yet. It will take some time for you to heal and then we’ll see…I would strongly advise you to abstain from intercourse for a month…”

The rest of what he said was a blur, and as soon as he left Spike was back, holding me in his arms and telling me he loved me.

“Spike…I have to…I…I had an abortion.”

He pulled away from me as if I’d slapped him. “What? What did you just say?”

“This…what happened to me…was a direct result of me having an abortion…”

“How could you? Why Why would you…Buffy you killed our child…why would you do that? Why didn’t you tell me? What else have you hidden from me?”

“Nothing…I swear…”

“Nothing…just kept killing a part of us from me yeah?”

“It’s not like that…I wasn’t ready…we weren’t ready…Spike…we had a plan…do you honestly think that you are ready to be a father?”

“I bloody well think I should have had a choice!”

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I couldn’t help yelling. I was hurt and angry. I felt betrayed. I wanted to hate her. I convinced myself that I did. I convinced myself that I hated her. Wouldn’t you?

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TBC…





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