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Chapter IV: Spike Remembers...


After Ian left, the conference room erupted into chaos.

"You can't seriously be considering his offer." Angel was saying to Giles.

"I don't think Buffy would work with someone like that." Willow insisted to no one in particular.

"We don't know who or what Buffy would work with anymore, this may be our only shot at finding her." Xander answered her.

"Well if it is Buffy then why hasn't she shown up on my locator spells?" Willow countered.

"The next time I tell you something is there you should listen before disregarding my senses." Illyria told the bickering group.

Spike said nothing. He sat there and stared off into space, lost in his thoughts. He tried to wrap his head around the fact that Drusilla had destroyed the woman he loved or had loved. What was she now? How much of what had occurred had happened because he hadn’t been there? No wonder Dawn hated him so much, right now he hated himself. All he had to do was let her know he was alive, just a simple call or even let Andrew tell her, but no, he had been too afraid.

Next to him, Raven sat, wondering what she could do to ease the pain she saw on his face. She also wondered how she was going to be able to keep him after everything they had just been told.

"I don't know yet what we are going to do regarding Mr. Thorpe. He was right when he said it was going to be difficult to transport Spike and Angel across Bhutan. If they have a way to do that and it will get us in contact with Buffy it may be worth it." Giles said considering.

"I wasn't aware we had seven million dollars to spend on this operation." Angel said dryly.

Giles looked embarrassed. "We don't, however, I doubt Buffy would actually make us pay that."

"Yeah, but that Ian guy said if we don't have the initial down payment of 2.5 million they wouldn't even consider helping us." Xander added in.

"Plus if what I've heard of these guys is true, these aren't the people you want to owe money too." Lorne told them. "They have a reputation for being ruthless when it comes to collecting, whether for a client or for themselves."

Giles sighed. "I don't know what to do then. Willow if you could work with Lorne, Dawn and Andrew, I want as much information on Ian Thorpe and his Rogues as you can find. I especially want any information that corroborates his story that Buffy is working with them."

"Got it Giles." Willow said as she began to gather up her notes and papers.

"Why is it so hard to travel to Bhutan? Don't they like visitors?" Xander asked.

"Bhutan prides itself on its isolation from the rest of the world. The only airline allowed to fly into the country is Druk air, the Royal Airline of Bhutan and they only have two planes. There is only one airport, which is in Thimpu far away from our destination. From Thimpu we will have to travel by land east to Tongsa Dzong. Our reports indicate their fortress is located north of there deep in the Himalayas, in the wildlife sanctuary Jigme Dorji. However, the road ends in Tongsa Dzong and I don't believe there are any towns or settlements after that. Also travelers are strictly forbidden to venture farther North than Tongsa Dzong without a guide. So you can see that transporting two vampires that far without having them come in contact with the sun will prove to be most difficult."

"I take it they are not a friend of technology." Xander remarked.

"The country is primarily Buddhist and the prime minister was once quoted as saying he would rather have his country have negative profit than have unhappy people. They have even gone so far as to decentralize their government based on the people's whishes. They believe in living the same way their ancestors did 2,000 years ago." Willow told him.

"Sounds like the perfect place to raise an army of ultimate evil." Lorne muttered.

"The green dude is right." Xander agreed. "How can we possibly get through to the evil fortress? Is there another way in?"

"We could go in from the North through China, but instead of 50 miles through the steep mountains of the Himalayas you are looking at 150 miles through the Himalayas." Giles told him.

"So we're going to have to use Mr. Ian Thorpe to even get into the country." Xander said.

"I want to find out more information before we rely on him." Giles said. "I'll put a call into Riley and see if he has anything he can share. The rest of you have tasks to work on."

"What about us, Watcher?" Spike asked him warily. He had pulled his attention back to the conversation at hand when Giles mentioned Riley's name.

"I would imagine you are both exhausted both from your travel and the revelations of the day. We have several guest suites here. I would recommend you go and try to get some rest while you can."

Spike nodded absently.

"Xander would you show them to one of the suites?" Giles asked.

"Sure thing, G-man." Giles rolled his eyes and sighed at Xander's insistence to give up the hated nickname.

"If its ok with you guys, I'll go with Willow and give her the names of some contacts I have that might have information on the Rogues." Lorne told Spike and Raven as they stood up to leave. "I'll catch up with you two later." Spike didn't even seem to hear him, but Raven bid him goodbye.

Spike turned to Giles before they left the room. "If you hear anything else..."

"I'll let you know immediately. Xander will show you my office if you think of anything else that may help feel free to stop by later. Lord knows, we don't sleep much around here."

"I may just do that." Spike and Raven left the room.

"Spike." Giles called after him. Spike stopped, but didn't turn around as Giles followed him out into the hall. "I wanted to thank you for coming to help us. I'm sorry you had to find out about all of this like that." Spike looked at him silently. "Also there is a bottle of scotch in every suite, in case you find it hard to get to sleep. It usually helps me."

Spike gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Watcher." It didn't escape his attention that Giles was going out of his way to be nice to him. A far cry from the man who once tried to have him killed. Spike wondered what it was that actually changed the Watcher's opinion of him. Was it when he burned up to save the world or when he didn't come after Buffy when he was brought back?

Giles went back into the conference room to plan some more with Illyria and the others while Xander led Spike and Rave to their suite.



Later that evening Spike sat alone in the living room of the suite in the dark, the bottle of scotch was three quarters gone. Raven had been asleep for hours and it was now well past midnight. Spike tried to get some rest knowing that they were going to need to be at top performance for the next few weeks, but images of Buffy kept coming to him. He knew there was no way he would be able to shut out the memories tonight. Every time he shut his eyes he saw her cold green gaze looking down at him accusingly.

He poured another glass of scotch and finally gave in to the memories floating at the edge of his consciousness. It was the memory of their last night together.


May 2002, the evening before the final battle with the First.

Spike sat in the basement studying the amulet Buffy had given him. She had finished going over her master plan with the Scoobies and the Slayers in Training now all there was to do was wait until morning to enact their plan.

Even the gaudiness of the jewelry could not diminish the feeling inside of him from her calling him a champion. She had sent Angel away and had chosen him to stand by her in this. She had chosen him to be with her in what could possibly be her last stand.

He had told her he wasn't going to think about what it all meant, when she told him that she felt close to him. He told her they should just leave it and he had meant it at the time, but now he wanted to know why she had sent Angel away. He wanted to know if she just wanted her true love out of the way of the battle or if there was more to it than that. He tried to push down these thoughts, he knew that the last thing they needed was for him to be distracted by daydreams of the impossible. They had a war to fight.

Buffy said that maybe after the war, they could try to figure it all out, but he had told her they shouldn't. Now he wanted to find out if she really wanted to try to make it work between them. Did she think they had a chance?

He heard footsteps approaching the basement door and knew immediately it was Buffy coming down. He had been hoping she was going to come down and stay with him again tonight, but didn’t want to ask or seem too eager. He stood up as she came down the stairs and stood across the basement from him. Neither one of them spoke as they stared at each other from across the room. Spike couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked even in the midst of all the planning and chaos around them. He bit his tongue to keep from asking her all the questions running around in his mind, she had enough to worry about without having to deal with his doubts and fears.

Buffy approached him slowly until she stood within arms reach. He could see worry and fear in her eyes concerning the battle tomorrow. He knew she couldn't show any kind of doubt to her troops or the others and it meant something that she trusted him enough to see that she wasn't made out of stone like they thought. He knew she felt every death that happened this year more deeply than they knew.

Spike reached out and placed his hands on her waist, but he didn't pull her towards him. He just waited to see what she wanted from him.

Buffy slowly raised one hand and lightly traced over his lips with one fingertip. The other hand she brought to rest on his chest. He stared into her eyes willing himself to remain calm and not misread what was very possibly and innocent gesture.

When she had slept in his arms the past two nights he had known that she didn't want anything physical from him aside from his presence next to her. Not that it stopped his body from reacting to her closeness, but he would never assume to instigate anything with her again. Not after what had happened last year.

Now she stood before him running her hands over his body like she wanted to memorize every curve, leaving a trail of fire across his skin in her wake. Even through the cotton T-shirt he wore he could feel the heat of her soaking into his cold body, making him feel almost alive.

Still he remained frozen, he resisted again the urge to pull her against him and crush his lips to hers. This was the first time she caressed him lightly like this and he wanted to cherish her soft touch before it ended

Her finger still traced lightly over his lips, he parted them slightly and ran his tongue against her finger before he could stop himself. The flavor of her skin almost made him swoon with pleasure and he was happy to see her eyes cloud with desire as he tickled her finger with his tongue. She ran the hand on his chest downward across his abdomen and began to pull his T-shirt up out of his pants. Her eyes never left his as she did this reassuring him without having to be told of his fears.

She took her other hand away from his mouth and used both hands to raise his shirt over his head. He almost couldn't stand it when he felt both of her hands running across the skin of his chest and abdomen tracing every muscle and curve they found. He ran his own hands up and under her shirt pleased when she arched towards to ensure he had plenty of room to access wherever he wanted. He let out a moan when he began to smell the perfume of her arousal in the air as his hands neared her breasts.

He barely brushed against them, continuing on to lift her shirt up and over her head. He slid her bra straps down over her shoulders on the way back down, and then undid the clasp in the front. He quickly moved his hands to catch the soft globes and they were released from her bra. Buffy's breathing quickened as he ran his fingers over her nipples enjoying the way they hardened under his touch and she pressed herself even further into his hands wanting more contact. Her hands began unfastening his jeans, but she seemed to be having a difficult time due to the shaking that seemed to occupy her.

She leaned up and brushed her lips across his as she finally managed to undo the button on his pants and pull down his zipper. When he felt her hands pulling them down over his hips and then grasping his straining erection he finally gave in and pulled her tight against him, entangling his fingers in her hair. He ran his tongue across her lips before she captured it between them and used her own tongue to run across his sensuously. The feeling of her tongue moving against his and her hands stroking his length almost drove him over the edge prematurely, but she seemed to sense this and broke off the kiss before it could go too far.

She pulled his pants the rest of the way down his body until he could easily step out of them. Once he was naked before her she pushed him gently until he fell backwards and was sitting on the cot. She stood before him topless enjoying the feeling of power she got from his lust filled gaze that eyed her hungrily. Confident she had his undivided attention, she reached up and let loose the rest of her hair that had been pulled up behind her head. Knowing how much he loved her hair she shook it out around her face before looking up at him innocently. The look in her eyes combined with the sight of her before him with no top made him growl deep in his chest. Her eyes lit up with delight at the obvious excitement from him. She kicked off her shoes and slowly undid her own pants and slipped them down over her hips. She stood before him in nothing but her underwear, but they soon followed her pants as she slipped them off and threw them at him playfully.

Spike caught them easily, but didn't pay them any mind, his attention was focused on the beautiful siren before him. He was afraid to blink for fear that she would disappear like so many of the dreams he had of her in the past year.

Completely naked now Buffy moved towards him with a slight predatory look in her eyes. There was no doubt in his mind now what she wanted from him. Even if he couldn't read it in her eyes there was no mistaking the aroma of her arousal that now permeated the air so thick he could almost taste it when he inhaled.

Instead of increasing his desire at this point though for some reason Spike was struck with sudden fear. Everything between them had been going so well he was afraid if they brought the physical aspect back to their relationship he would lose the ground he had fought so hard to gain this year. What if after they slept together again she went back to kicking him and running away? He didn't want to lose their newfound closeness not even for this. He tried to calm himself and chase away these worries. Now wasn't the time for this. She hadn't come here to coddle him; she had come to him for something else. She wanted comfort and that was it. Just a little more cold comfort and he should just accommodate her and leave feelings and doubts out of it.

Those thoughts only made his fears grow and a solid pain in his chest started form. He didn’t want to just be her little comfort toy, but he couldn’t push her away, he couldn’t say no to her.

Buffy stopped moving as soon as she saw the emotions struggling within his eyes. "Spike." She said softly, speaking for the first time since coming down into the basement. He lowered his head at the sound of her voice and couldn't look up at her now, he was too caught up in his fears and doubts. He didn’t want her to see all the pain in his eyes, he couldn’t let her know how afraid he was of losing her again.

Unwilling to let him shut her out Buffy walked over to him quickly and straddled his lap. She used one finger under his chin to raise his eyes to her, she felt her heart ache with all the pain and confusion she could see in his gaze. "I want to be here with you tonight. No matter what happens tomorrow I want to have one perfect night with you to hold on to. You are the one I chose to be here with me tonight, no one else, but you."


Even though he was slightly distracted by the feeling of her silky warm skin against his body Spike managed to answer her. "I'd hardly call this perfect, luv." He said sadly gesturing to the basement they were in.

Buffy leaned forward and kissed him. "It doesn't matter where we are. As long as we're together we can make it perfect for us."

Spike could see the sincerity in her eyes along with the desire and a warm tender emotion that he couldn't begin to hope to give a name to. All his doubts and worries left in the face of her conviction and his desire returned with triple force.

“Buffy.” He whispered her name before pulling her back down for another kiss and felt the warmth from her begin to seep into him. When she pulled back to catch her breath her eyes were glassy and her breasts were heaving as she tried to pull in air.

"Spike, please. I need you inside me. It's been too long." She whispered. Spike didn't trust his own voice after hearing the need in hers all he could manage was a shaky nod. That was all she needed. She raised herself up slightly and reached in between them to grab his rock hard length. She ran the head back and forth against her wet slit a few times to make sure it was nice and lubricated, but she didn't need to worry since her arousal was now dripping down her thighs onto his lap. He couldn't help the strangled moan that escaped at her actions.

She positioned him at her entrance, wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and rested her forehead against his so she was gazing directly into his deep blue eyes as she began to sink slowly down onto him.

It took all of Spike's strength not to push his hips up and plunge inside her, the slow torture of her sinking down onto him driving him mad. He couldn't help the feelings of wonder and amazement he was sure were plain on his face as her wet heat slowly surrounded him. Only instead of turning away from him and his emotions like she used to do, this time Buffy watched everything closely and he could see similar feelings in her own eyes. Knowing that she was really here with him had him struggling not to come even before she had fully settled herself down on him.

They were both panting by the time he was fully seated inside of her, since he didn't need the oxygen to breathe she was in essence breathing through him making the experience even more intimate. The world around them disappeared until the only thing that actually seemed real to him was her. There was nothing else but her.

Neither one of them moved, they just enjoyed the feeling of being together like this. It was like coming home for both of them. Then Buffy gave him an evil little smirk and bit her lip as if she were concentrating on something. That's when he felt it and he began to moan he name loudly. She was flexing her interior muscles causing them to ripple over his cock and it was like nothing he ever felt before. She was whimpering in pleasure herself as she worked him over thoroughly while making sure that he stayed buried deep inside her.

His own whimpers joined hers as he could feel the pleasure start to build in his loins. He grabbed her hips and held on tightly as the overwhelming sensations rocked through him. He felt the familiar tightening and knew he couldn't hold out much longer, but then the feelings extended outward, up through his abdomen and farther up into his chest. His entire body began to shake as it tried to deal with the onslaught of pleasure and emotions that he had never experienced before. He bit his lip in an effort to keep from calling out his love for her, not wanting to ruin this moment with her rejection of him.

He pulled her hips tighter against him wanting to get farther inside her. She began to rock her hips slightly adding even more to the already overwhelming sensations. The movement combined with her grasping muscles managed to push him over the edge as the pleasure became too much for him. He yelled out her name with a strangled sob and heard her call his name out in answer as he erupted inside of her. Her muscles clenched tightly milking him, prolonging his orgasm until he thought he was going to die from pleasure. He thought he must have passed out because he was no longer aware of his body, only the waves of pleasure crashing through his soul as he got lost in the warm green eyes above him that he could almost believe were filled with love.

When Spike finally came back to himself the first thing he noticed was that they were both still trembling. Next, he noticed the tears that were running down her face.


"I didn't hurt you did I?" He whispered, horrified. Buffy giggled at him softly shaking her head and wiping at his face which had tears running down it as well.

"No you didn't hurt me. That was just...my god, that was so intense." She giggled again as she laid her head back down on his shoulder. "I never knew that it could be like that."

"You have such a wonderful laugh." He told her. When she made a confused noise he continued. "I think that's the first time you've ever giggle around me." He confessed.

She lifted her head back up. "Really? Well starting tomorrow there will definitely be more giggling. And more laughing. And more happiness. Especially around you. We deserve it."

"Oh we do, do we?" He asked her teasingly.

"Yep. And you know what else there will be?" She asked him.

He kissed her shoulder and up her neck. "More wonderful sex."

She giggled again and it was music to his ears. "No silly. Well actually, yes there will be, but there will also be dating."

"Dating?!?" He asked her slightly alarmed.

"Yeah." She nodded slowly. "You." She pointed at him. "Me." She pointed to herself. "Dating."

Spike looked truly frightened. "I don't really know much about dating, pet."

"Well you are going to get lots of practice because you and me, we are SO dating."

It wasn't a declaration of undying love and honestly given the time and the circumstances he wouldn't believe it even if she had offered it, but it was something and it gave him something concrete to hope for. He held her tight against him and felt her arms tight around him, both of them trying to hold onto each other and this small moment in time they had together.

The rest of the night passed like a dream for him, yet he knew he wasn't asleep because he remembered every second of it. They lay on that cot and talked and cuddled and made love for the rest of the night. It was everything he had ever hoped for the year before. He kept his promise to himself he didn't declare his love for her again. He wanted to wait until they were out from the shadow of this threat and ‘dating’ as she told him before he made the grand guesture again. Only this time there weren’t going to be any chains involved.

Of course there weren’t any dates for him to declare his love, there were no more opportunities to make her laugh or to hear her giggle. The next day he burnt up in the Hellmouth and when he was resurrected at Wolfram and Hart he couldn't call her on account of not having a physical body.

After that...

After that he was just plain scared. She had given him more than he ever hoped to get and on top of that she gave him hope. He thought it was better to live with the dream of her love than face the reality of her rejection.

He never even considered the possibility she meant what she told him in the Hellmouth. The idea that she loved him, even after what he had seen in her eyes the night before was too outlandish, too preposterous to even entertain. Of course she only told him that because she thought he was dying. She never loved him, she couldn’t.

But why did they keep talking about how upset she was over his death? How upset could she have been when she was snuggling with the Immortal less than a year after his death? He didn’t understand any of it. Once upon a time he would swear that he knew her better than anyone else, he could tell what she was thinking just by looking in her eyes. Now he wasn’t sure of anything.

Was Xander right in telling him there was nothing he could have done for her? Were the dreams he kept having with her in them actually some sort of projection by her? Did they come about from some sort of connection because she was now part of his vampire family? Was she part of his vampire family? Was she even a real vampire? Did she need blood to survive? How could she be turned yet still alive?

"Spike?" Raven's voice startled him from his thoughts, he turned his bloodshot eyes up towards her. "What are you doing still up? Have you gotten any sleep?"

"No, not yet. I have a lot on my mind. What are you doing up?"

"Must be the jet lag. I just woke up and then you weren't there." Raven walked over and sat down in his lap. "Is there anything I can do?" She asked him. Spike pulled back from her and removed her arms from around his neck.

"I don't think so, luv. I'm thinking I might go see how the Watcher's research is going. See if he's come to any decisions yet."

"Spike, its almost three thirty in the morning, I doubt Mr. Giles is still up, regardless of what he said."

"You don't know Rupert like I do. He won't be getting any sleep any time soon, not with everything that's going on." He told her as he extricated himself from her grasp and stood up. "Why don't you try to get some more sleep?" He suggested.

She just looked at him sadly. "I though I might call Master Otagi and see if they have any extra warriors they could send to help us. It's a little after noon in Kyoto so now would be the ideal time."

Spike had walked into their bedroom and really didn't hear what she was saying. He came out with his boots on and kissed her forehead lightly. "I won't be long, try and get some more sleep then." He said distractedly before walking out the door.

"I love you." Raven said to the now closed door.

She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes and fought to keep them from falling. She had been so certain that coming here had been the right thing to do. She had thought once Spike faced his past with Buffy he would remember all the pain she caused him. Raven believed once he recalled how Buffy could never accept all of him he would realize how good they were together by comparison and how much he loved her.

She hadn't counted on what the past few years had done to Buffy. Her heart went out to the Slayer; no one should have to go through all the pain and suffering she had to deal with. However, Raven was more afraid of Buffy than ever now. She knew how long Spike had stayed with Drusilla and cared for her, even when it was apparent he would never be first in Drusilla’s affections. Raven didn't want that to happen again. What if Buffy was damaged like that? Would he leave her to care for Buffy?

Raven truly loved Spike and she wanted him to be happy more than anything. If everything worked out and he and Buffy were truly meant to be together than she would be more than willing to step aside for them. She just didn't see how that could be possible given their past relationship and what Buffy had been through since then.

More than anything Raven really wished she hadn't convinced him to come here in the first place. Maybe she should have just trusted that after they were mated he wouldn't have these thoughts of Buffy anymore.

Feeling alone and uncertain Raven picked up the phone to call her master hoping he could advise her.





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