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Chapter VIII Just Like Old Times


As soon as Raven and Spike got to their room, he sat down in one of the plush chairs with a loud sigh and put his head in his hands.

“Spike?” She asked quietly.

He raised his head and looked at her. “I know I’ve hurt you by shutting you out, but I was afraid I’d hurt you more by talking about it. Now, I know we have to talk.” He whispered.

Raven felt her heart clench. She wondered if he had already decided to leave her for Buffy. She wanted to tell him that talking things out and having things out in the open could never hurt as much as his silence, but given the circumstances here, that wasn’t necessarily true. She turned away so he wouldn’t see the tears that began to form in her eyes.

“I’ve been dreaming of her.” His voice was still quiet and thick with pain. “Buffy.” He added, as is it needed clarification. “They haven’t been pleasant dreams so don’t think that.” He quickly assured her. “She’s somewhere in this dark, cold place and she’s hanging from a wall,” He swallowed thickly. “and she’s crying and she keeps apologizing to me and begging me to stop hurting her. Its been happening ever since I asked you to be my mate.” He finished quickly.

Raven looked at him sharply. “Were you having second thoughts?” She asked him. “Or do you think she was reaching out to you in some way?”

“I thought it was just the past trying to hold onto me, I’ve never had much luck in the love department. I thought I was just trying to sabotage us in some subconscious way.” He sat a moment and seemed to consider. “Bloody hell. I don’t know what to think.” He threw his arms up and stood up. As was his habit when he got frustrated and didn’t have things to beat up, he began pacing frantically.

“I mean if it is really Buffy reaching out for help in some way, why now? Why not three years ago? Why didn’t she come and find me after she left the Watcher’s then?” His voice rose with his frustration.

Raven watched him make a couple of laps across their sitting room before she spoke. “You want to go out and find her.”

“I need to know.” He stopped his pacing, but wouldn’t look at her.

“Need to know what? If she’s calling for you? Because that woman downstairs wanted nothing to do with any of you!! I didn’t need superhuman senses to see that. She didn’t
even acknowledge her sister.” Spike knew that because of her culture and the fact she lost her family at a young age that she viewed family as one of the most treasured things. “Or is that you need to know if she still loves you?”

Spike let out a short bitter laugh that hurt her more than his denial would have. In that laugh she could hear the pain he still felt over Buffy’s rejection of him. “Buffy never loved me. There was a time when she thought she needed me, but she never loved me.”

“Her friends seem to think…” Raven asserted.

“Her friends are wrong.” Spike insisted coldly.

“What do you want me to say?” Raven felt her voice began to get louder. “Do you want my blessing to leave and go off into the night to chase down the unrequited love of your life? What if she was calling for you? What then? Then you leave me for someone who by your own admission never loved you, just because she ‘needs’ you again?” She was yelling at him now.

“NO!! God no.” Spike went to grab her and calm her down, but she jerked out of his grasp. She knew there was no way he could guarantee that, and judging by his reactions to seeing her for the first time she knew that it was only a matter of time before she lost him.

“I HATE this!! I am not this person!! I am not petty, and jealous and insecure!! I believe that truly loving someone is to want their happiness above all else, yet ever since I convinced you to do this I have turned into this person who I hate. I want to cling onto you all the time to make sure you don’t forget what we have together, yet I know that would only make things worse. So I try to give you space. I didn’t say anything when you sold the club to find her. I didn’t say anything when you stopped talking to me and including me in your plans. I’ve tried to be supportive and not pressure you when all I really want to do is beat the shit out of you for being such an asshole and putting me through this.”

She picked up a statue on one of the tables and threw it at him. Spike dodged the statue and quickly pulled her into his arms as she sobbed helplessly against him, whispering “I’m so sorry.”over and over again.

Raven pulled back from him sniffling when her sobbing subsided. “Go on. Go find her, talk to her. Figure out your answers. We don’t have time for this bullshit,” She told him as she wiped the tears off her face with determination. “We have to save the world.”

Spike couldn’t help but laugh. “I do love you.” He told her earnestly, before kissing her lightly.

“You should remember that.” She told him.

Spike walked to the window located across the room and started climbing out onto the roof.

“They have doors, you know.” She told him wryly.

“Red and Harris already know where she went, I think. I’ll be able to track all three of them quicker if I take rooftops.” With that he was gone.

Raven stood in the middle of the room for a long time, feeling much like the silk sheers that hung over the window, flapping in the cool night air.



Out in the city, Spike crept along the rooftops extending his senses for any sign of Buffy, Willow or Xander. With the heavy incense from the temples and the opium and hash coming out of the cafés below it was hard to discern the scents of any of the ones he was looking for. After several minutes, he headed off in the direction Willow and Xander had headed in, thinking he could smell a faint trace of the lilac perfume Willow had on earlier.

He found them cornered down a back alley, but made no move to help them knowing that Willow was more than capable of handling the situation.

Plus he suddenly had the tingling in his spine accompanied by the warm feeling in his chest meant that Buffy was in the vicinity. He watched as she dropped down in front of the would-be robbers and began to attack.

While Willow and Xander were appalled by the ruthlessness she used to deal with the men, Spike, as well as his demon, were thrilled at getting to watch her in action once again. He was amazed at the way her skills had developed over the years; she was much faster than she had been and she seemed to be much stronger as well. He also noticed that her movements weren’t as fluid as they once were and she didn’t have the joy she once did when she engaged the enemy.

When she was younger, even when she was trying to deny her nature, he could tell just by watching her fight that she loved it. The way she moved and the way she would offer up the quips as she fought he knew she enjoyed the violence almost as much as the creatures she was created to destroy. Now it was as if she had bridled that in some way. He wondered if it came from denying the emotions inside of her.

Spike watched Willow set off her light show and he knew she was afraid that the Slayer would take things too far with the humans below. Spike was afraid of that himself, she was fighting them the same way she would fight a demon or vampire.

He paid close attention to the awkward conversation that followed with her friends and noticed immediately when her eyes started to scan the alleyway looking for something. When she looked directly at the rooftop he was crouched on he knew she was aware he was there, but he waited until she told the others to head back before he dropped down, and he didn’t step out of the shadows until she called to him.

“Hello, Buffy.”

She stared at him for a few moments and he searched her eyes for any sign that the woman he fell in love existed somewhere inside her. He was disappointed to see nothing in her eyes, but careful consideration along with a annoyance.

“Willow and Xander chasing me down to be my friend and you lurking in the shadows making moon eyes.” She walked over to the wall and leaned against it. “Just like old times.”

“Not exactly, luv. You seem to be a bit different.” Spike responded, as he got closer to her he noticed that while she still felt the same to him there was something new to that feeling. It was confusing him because it seemed familiar, but at the same time he didn’t recognize it as having to do with Buffy.

“What do you want, Spike?”

The sweet smell of the flowery shampoos and soaps was gone; in its place was a clean, medicinal smell indicating the change in her appearance didn’t just stop with the hair and clothing. Not even the abrasive smell of her cleaning products, could hide the smell of her sweat and the sweet smell of her arousal, probably due from the fight, that he knew so well. He could also very faintly still pick up the smell of vanilla, as if it permeated her skin at some point or was just naturally a part of her.

All thoughts of Raven and his life for the past seven years flew right out of his head and he was only aware of the woman before him. His Slayer. He cursed himself for ever staying away from her and wished more than anything that he had been there for her when she needed him so he could have kept her safe from Drusilla.

“Did you track me down to stare at me all night?” The annoyance in her eyes carried over into her voice.

“I wanted to know….” He said moving closer, not even realizing he was doing so, the urge to touch her, hold her tight and never let her go was overwhelming him. Inside him his demon was also reacting to her presence distracting him. “I wanted to know if you were all right.”

She looked deep into his eyes. “I don’t seem all right?”

“You don’t seem like, Buffy.” Even though she smelled like Buffy and felt like Buffy he could tell she just wasn’t herself. It was like she wasn’t whole.

She smiled slightly at him, but her smile was too calculating to be considered warm. “So its not whether or not I’m ok, its whether or not I fit your image of Buffy?” She nodded as if he just confirmed something she already knew. “Maybe you don’t seem like Spike, the Slayer of Slayers, all domesticated and business owner-like. However, I know it’s none of my business and I don’t really care who you are now, just like it’s none of your business who I am.”

”Really?”

“Yes.”

”And you are happy like this?”

“Happiness isn’t a factor.”

“Happiness isn’t a factor and you don’t care about anyone? Seems quite sad to me.”

“Does it?” Again there was the slight smile. “You know what I think is sad? Someone who CHOSE to keep me out of his life for 8 years suddenly showing up with a guilty conscience wanting to know if I’m still the same person.”

“I was trying to make sure you could have the normal life you always wanted so badly!!” Suddenly it hit him what the additional feeling was that he was getting from her. It was the same feeling he got when Angel was near, his demon recognized her as family and since it seemed the demon already considered her his, it was crawling inside of him to be let out.

Buffy stepped away from the wall and pushed up against him. He felt his body react to her close proximity and he knew she had to feel it as well. He felt like he couldn’t catch his breath, before remembering he didn’t need to breath. He looked into her eyes and found himself surprised to see how cold they were. She ran her hand up over his chest and he almost purred at the contact. Confusion was racing though his brain as he tried to separate the lust from the rational part of his brain so he could concentrate on her words. “That’s not why you stayed away.” She told him softly. “You were afraid. I finally told you I loved you and you got scared.”

With the feeling of her soft warm body pressed against his, fitting into him like she was made for him it took a moment for her words to register in his mind.

“Then while you lived the normal life,” Her voice was still soft and sweet while she her hands rubbed over the muscles on his chest. “Owned a business, got a girlfriend, I was chained to a wall raped, beaten and turned by your demented ex-girlfriend all because you once professed to love me.” Her voice turned hard by the end and her words pierced his mind in sharp contrast to the soft caresses. He tried to pull away from her and was surprised to find her grip on him was as strong as steel.

The feeling that screamed ‘family’ inside him got much stronger as she changed into game face. “This is the normal life I have.” She told him through her fangs. He could feel the demon inside her raging and he knew it was also responding to his close proximity. He could feel the tight control she was keeping over it to make sure it couldn’t overpower her. “I don’t get to die, I don’t get to grow old, I have to drink blood now and I have to constantly have control over two warring supernatural entities inside of me or they will rip me apart.”

She pushed him back suddenly and he stumbled and almost fell. “And you think it’s sad because I don’t look for happiness. Rainbows and unicorns are for people who get happy endings or Harmony. I have enough to deal with without emotions complicating things.” She tried to put her demon face away, but he could see it was a struggle to get it under control. Her eyes flickered between gold and hazel before they settled on hazel. She turned and walked away from him obviously thinking the conversation was at an end.

Spike was having none of it. Especially not when she showed him a weakness he could use to get to her. He let his demon go and let out a large growl as he darted after her and spun her around.

“What happened to you?” He grabbed her arm and spun her around. Angry at being man handled and probably suspecting what he was trying to do, Buffy let a fist fly directly into his face.

“You mean other than what Drusilla did to me?” She snapped irritated. She managed to avoid the punch he threw back at her. “Domestic life has mad you slow.” She commented, then grunted when he landed a punch to her ribs.

”What Dru put you through would have been horrible, but it wouldn’t be enough to send you running that deep into yourself. You’re a vampire now; your demon could have helped you through the pain. What is it you’re really hiding from?”

Spike dodged one of her heavy boots aimed for his face, then tried to follow through with her to land a kick to her back. She seemed to anticipate this, however, and twisted around so she was facing him instead. She grabbed his foot and threw him onto his back.

“I’m not hiding from anything. I just finally learned that emotions were distracting and of no use, the same thing I learned about depending on people.” Spike rolled quickly to avoid the kick she was aiming at his privates.

“Is that why you couldn’t even acknowledge your sister when she tried to talk to you?” He demanded as he stood up.

Blank confusion crossed her face. “You mean Dawn?”

“Yes, Dawn!!” He yelled. He used her distraction to sweep her legs out from under her. “You have another sister?”

“It didn’t occur to me and she’s not really my sister.” Spike’s jaw dropped at the casual way she said that as she leaped back to her feet and she took advantage of his dismay and punched him in the face again. He recoiled, but quickly recovered to grab her shoulder and yank her close to him. “What do you mean she’s not your sister?” He barked at her.

Buffy brought her hands up and broke his grasp, grabbing onto his shoulders. “She’s a ball of energy some monks made me think was my sister, remember?” She threw him across the alleyway and he slammed into the stone wall.

As he lay there looking up, Spike was filled with rage, not only because of her denial of her sister, but also because he could see the truth of her words in her eyes. He realized in that moment that the woman he loved was truly gone. She had squashed her emotions and her sense of self until she was nothing more than an empty shell that housed two demons. He felt hatred and disgust boiling inside of him, furious with her for giving up like that.

He launched himself back at her and the two began to fight in earnest. There were no more words spoken between them, both of them were concentrating wholly on the fight. Unfortunately for him, Spike had been right in his earlier assessment of her capabilities. She was much faster and stronger and while her loss of inane grace was sad, it really wouldn’t affect the outcome of this fight too much. Sparring with Raven a few times a week over the past few years didn’t put Spike in the top physical shape he had been in and against Buffy he didn’t have a prayer.

That was fine; he had one more card up his sleeve.

He let her take him down and did nothing when she straddled his waist obviously thinking she had won. As it always did when engaged in a good fight, especially with his Slayer, his body reacted and he knew she could feel his erection as she pinned him down.

“You better get a whole lot better fast, or maybe we should take Xander instead of you on the air drop.” She taunted him.

Spike let out a growl and she froze. He saw her eyes flicker for a moment so he growled again and she changed into her demon. It was something elder vampires did to the younger ones to keep them in line and remind them of the hierarchy. He knew that with the fight and the close proximity of family for the first time in years, her control over the demon had been tenuous at best and it only took a little push to bring it out to the surface.

He studied the young vampire before him. She was quite possibly the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. The ridges couldn’t hide her delicate features, which were made all the more alluring by the sharp fangs protruding from her gums.

He pushed himself into a sitting position so she was now straddling his lap, her face inches away from his. Spike knew he probably didn’t have long before she re-established control over her demon and Spike wanted to make an impression on her before that could happen.

He ran his hand gently over her face, he heard her breath in deeply and he knew she was enjoying the gentle caress. From experience he knew how important family connections were to young vampires. They craved that connection from their sire more than they craved blood. It helped teach them, calm them, gave them a sense of security and made them feel loved. The most important way they achieved that connection was to share blood. Everything he had been told about her ordeal he was certain she had never been able to enjoy this connection.

Also, for him to bite her it would establish his dominance over her, which meant he would have some control over her demon when she let it out. He was hoping that if he could get her demon to trust him then she might open up a little bit more and learn to feel again as a human.

As Spike leaned into her neck, her scent consumed him, he could smell her arousal more strongly now and he could also smell the vanilla scent of her skin better through the soap products. He felt her start to shake when he opened his mouth and breathed lightly against her neck. He could sense that her demon was impatient. It wanted to move, speak or urge him on in some other way, but it instinctively knew that wasn’t allowed.

He ran his fangs lightly up and down her jugular; teasing her, as he watched it pump the blood quickly through her body, she was whimpering slightly now in anticipation of what was to come. She was trying to move closer to him without making it obvious she was moving. Finally, he gently laid his fangs against her and lightly broke her skin causing her to gasp in pleasure. He listened to her heart beating quickly inside her as he slowly began drawing out her blood.

As soon as the rich liquid hit his tongue he almost swooned with pleasure. He had tasted Slayer blood before, and he was well aware of the power of it, but this was Buffy’s blood. She tasted as wonderful as she smelled, like sunlight and vanilla along with the feeling of concentrated power.

Connected to her like this he could feel her demons emotions clearly; the rage and loneliness it felt bombarded him and made him draw her tighter into his embrace trying to chase away all the dark feelings from before. She clung tightly to him just as unwilling to let him go. He could also feel her demon’s confusion, it was mistrustful of any other vampires, probably due to its past experiences and the fact that it wasn’t a true vampire, yet it also felt some kind of emotional link towards him. Possibly a remnant of feeling left over from Buffy’s feelings. Even while he savored her blood and the demon’s feelings for him, he was disappointed to find nothing resembling human emotions inside of her. He could feel the person she had become struggling in the background to reestablish control over herself and he could also feel the powerful force of the Slayer waiting at the edges to be released, but there was no sign of the person her once knew inside of her.

She was gasping and moaning now lost in the pulling feeling on her neck that she felt all the way down to her groin. She had let go of her mistrust and rage and relaxed enough to just enjoy the feelings he was pulling out of her, feelings her demon had never experienced before. He pulled back just before she lost herself and actually had an orgasm, not wanting her to relax too much and give her rational side an opening.

His heart melted when he looked into her eyes and he saw the gratitude, lust and pleading for him to continue in her amber eyes. Even though his Buffy was gone, he was aware that he had already lost himself to her all over again.

He ran a hand through her short dark hair and down towards the back of her neck while looking tenderly into her eyes. He felt her stiffen slightly when he pulled her forward gently towards his own neck. He sensed her demons surprise at this gesture, as it knew instinctively this was not commonly done, a master wouldn’t offer his blood to a younger vamp unless it was their sire or they were mated. It was also still confused by his gentle treatment, even though now it wanted to. Unsure whether or not this was a trick and not knowing whether or not she could trust him Buffy struck hard and fast at his neck as if she were afraid he would change his mind. Her teeth were clamped on his neck and she drinking forcefully from him causing him some pain, but it wasn’t much and the pleasure he felt just having her there far outweighed the pain. Instead of punishing her for her eagerness and impertinence as he should have, he petted her short locks while making soothing purring noises to calm and reassure her. He hissed in pleasure when he felt her relax her grip on his neck with her teeth and slowly started licking and suckling on him instead. He tried to focus his feelings of love and admiration for her to the front of his mind he wanted her to feel how deeply he cared for her, hoping it may color her view of him once her rational side regained its control.

At that moment he wanted nothing more than to let go of the humanity inside of him and let his demon have full control. He wanted to take her right there in that alley make her remember what it was like between them, he wanted to mark her and make her his officially and then he wanted to take her away; he didn’t care where, someplace where they could hunt and feed and live together where nothing could separate them again.

That was just a stupid daydream, their reality would be nothing like that.

He knew he was going to have to order her to stop drinking soon and after that he would have to deal with consequences of his actions. He wondered how Buffy would deal with losing control over herself like this. It seemed that control was something very important to her now.

Buffy seemed to know instinctively that it was time for her to stop and her drinking slowed until she was just licking the puncture wounds closed. She pulled back to look at him, he saw the rage and loneliness in her eyes and in its place was the deep confusion. She didn’t understand why he would do this for her, her demon had only known the pain and torture from Drusilla and the other vampires, then the constant leash that Buffy kept it on. It was actually a miracle her demon hadn’t become as twisted as Angelus under the influence of the soul.

He leaned forward and licked the blood from the corner of her mouth while staring deep into her amber eyes. “You may have killed every ounce of humanity inside to rid yourself of all your emotions, but even now you still have them inside you. Possibly even stronger than before. You should know better than anyone how well demons can love.” He kissed her lightly. “I still love you, Buffy. There is nothing you could ever do to yourself that would make me stop.” Even as he said the words he knew they were true, she was his soul mate. Years ago he told her love wasn’t brains, yet somehow he had forgotten that. He had chosen Raven to be his mate like it was a conscious decision to be made, instead of the magnetic pull he felt when he was with this woman that made him want to forsake everything he had and was for her.

He saw the emotions swimming deep in her eyes before they flickered and he prepared himself for her anger.

He wasn’t prepared for the smoky white color her eyes turned or the tingling in his spine that grew stronger than he ever felt before. Spike felt alarm when he realized he was face to face with the essence of the Slayer. A very pissed off Slayer.

This was no younger demon like the vampire within her. This demon was as old as time and he couldn’t hope to assert control over it.

She grabbed him by the throat and hauled him up as she stood up a stake pressed against his chest. She still had the ability to pull a stake from nowhere he thought to himself with grim amusement.

It was then he realized he was going to die. He could see it in her eyes. He had pushed her too far counting on some lingering feeling lying dormant inside her, that apparently wasn’t there, to help him and now he was going to die for that miscalculation.

He stared directly into her eyes unwilling to look away when she cast the killing blow and thought that it was so appropriate that the Slayer of Slayers was now going to die by the hand of the Slayer he fell in love with.

“That’s enough!!” A British voice yelled across the alley. “Buffy get yourself under control.”

Shadow was suddenly next to Spike trying to get Buffy’s attention. “You can control it, it doesn’t control, you remember that.” He told her. Spike felt a tremor run through her, then the tingling within his spine lessened as Buffy’s eyes turned back to their normal hazel color. Her grip on the stake didn’t loosen however and looking into those cold eyes Spike knew there was still a good chance he was going to end up dust.

“He called my demon out and I almost couldn’t get it back under control.” She informed Shadow flatly.

“I’m sure he didn’t realize what he was doing and now that he understands I’m sure he won’t do it again. Isn’t that right, Spike?”

“Wouldn’t dream of making you lose control again sweetheart.” Spike told her, but his tone of voice clearly said that he didn’t mean it.

Buffy eyes grew colder still and she threw him away from her before she turned to face Shadow stiffly. “I told you it was a bad idea to take this mission.”

“You should head back and get some rest. We leave tomorrow night.”

Without a backwards glance at Spike, she turned and left the alley.

Shadow waited until she was far enough away she couldn’t hear them before he turned to Spike. “Do you understand how much concentration it takes for her to keep those demons under control? You cannot incite them like that.”

“Maybe it would be more beneficial if she learned to integrate them so she wouldn’t have to control them.” Spike snapped back at him. “Hey! Maybe then she could actually allow herself the luxury of feelings again.” He finished sarcastically.

“The emotional part of her is completely insane. She would have no chance to control herself much less her demons.”

“So instead of trying to help her you let her stay the way she is? A perfect fighting and killing machine?” Spike questioned him.

“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.” Shadow reminded him.

“And doesn’t it work out nicely for you. You get to make money off of her and you get to fuck her as well.” Spike growled.

“Why, I do believe you’re jealous.” Shadow grinned widely. “Whatever would that sweet Hogosha say?”

Spike made to move against him, but Shadow melted away as always, appearing farther down the alley. “I don’t really think you are in the best shape to be picking any more fights tonight, do you?” Before he left Shadow gave this final parting comment. “I was able to save you from her this time, I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to do it again if you insist on pushing her.” Then he too left, leaving Spike alone in the alley.

Grief and pain that had been building inside of him since he first learned of Buffy’s fate came boiling over. He turned and began tearing into the wall, beating it with his fists until they were raw and bloody, but still he didn’t stop until exhausted, he slumped to the ground, his body shaking with harsh sobs.


A/N Thanks to Draillia for the wonderful job editing.
Thank you to everyone for the nice reviews and comments. They mean a lot.
Coming up: Spike remembers who he is and breaks up with Raven. Willow learns what happens if she tries to mess with Buffy's mind.





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