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Title: Green Eyed Christmas
Author: Pattyanne

AN: This takes place shortly after
their first time together in the
crumbling house. I've changed
the time line to place it closer to
Christmas. Also, I'm not dealing
with any 'Willow' issues, or 'Dawn'
issues. I have enough trouble sorting
out Spike and Buffy's problems without
getting into the two of them. So, the only
'issue' that will be addressed here is
Buffy's continual refusal to see sense.

Also, I brought Oz back for Willow.
Nothing against Tara, I just like him.


Part 1.....


Buffy wrapped her sweater tighter around her
as she crossed the street without waiting for the
signal. She picked up her pace a little, but Spike
stayed right on her heels.

"You gonna run from this for the rest of your life,
Slayer?"

"I'm not running from anything," she replied irritably.
"Least of all you."

"Oh, like hell you're not," he said. "You think that if
you turn your back on me and walk really fast you can
forget that night ever happened." He sped up, until
he was in front of her, then turned to face her. "Well, guess
what, cupcake? It happened. Five bloody times."

Forced to stop, Buffy glared at him. "Will you lower
your voice?" she hissed.

"No! I fucking will not! I don't give a rat's ass who hears
me." Contrary to his words, he did modify his tone. "Why
do you keep doing this? Why do you constantly push me
away?"

Buffy took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. "Look...I
don't know what you want me to say. Yes, it happened. But
it's over...and it won't happen again. Ever!"

Spike grabbed her shoulders and shook her a little. "Don't
you say it like that!" he said through clenched teeth. "Don't
treat it like some kind of ten dollar trick you bought to get
your itch scratched."

She yanked out of his hold and and began to walk away
again. When she realized that he wasn't following her, she
stopped and turned around, uncertain of what to do.

He was about ten feet away, and the look on his face almost
made her go back. He looked....hurt.

"Spike..." she began, then let her words trail off, not knowing
what to say.

"Don't," he told her, his voice husky with an emotion she'd not
heard from him before. "Please...don't tell me again how mean-
ingless it was to you."

He looked slightly glassy eyed, and for an instant Buffy was
afraid he might cry. The thought wrenched at her heart for
a moment, before she beat it into submission.

As she watched, Spike collected himself. Furtively passing
his hand across his eyes, he looked at her.

He didn't look angry anymore. He looked sad...and re-
signed.

His voice was quiet and even tempered. "You go ahead
and remember it the way you want to. Tell yourself
whatever you need to hear about it being degrading and
nasty, and," he swallowed hard, "beneath you."

Shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans, he
approached her slowly. "But if it's all the same to you, I'm
gonna remember it the way it really was. I'll remember how
good you felt, how soft and warm. The way you whispered
in my ear."

Buffy stared at him, seemingly hypnotized by his words.

"The feel of your skin," he went on. "The scent of your
hair...your hands on me...the taste of your lips."

He stopped two feet away from where she stood rooted
to the ground. "I was there, too. We were a lot of things
that night, but perverse wasn't one of them."

Sighing deeply, the pain in his voice was almost tan-
gible. "I've done everything I can think of to make you see
that I've changed. But," he added ruefully, "I can't change
the past. It all happened...and I can't pretend it didn't. I
became a vampire and I killed people, and no amount of
wishing on a star will make my past disappear. No more
than Angel getting his soul back made HIS past disappear."

He let out a harsh laugh. "You know...some of the things
he did make me look like a rank amateur. But all is
forgiven...because now he feels really bad about it."

"Angel didn't..."

He cut her off. "Angel changed when he got his soul
back, and you believed in him. I've changed MYSELF...but
you can't bring yourself to believe in me." He leaned in
closer, looking her in the eye. "His soul was his sal-
vation. You were mine," he said simply.

"Spike..."

"I love you, Buffy. You can believe it or not, I don't care. But
it's the truth." He turned his head to whisper in her ear. "And
that night we had together only makes me love you more. The
way you were...the things you did with me...that soft little moan
you make right before you..."

"Stop it," she said, pushing him away. She turned around again
and walked off. "Will you please just leave me alone?"

"Yes," he replied. "I will. If you really want me to, I will leave
you alone. Entirely."

Buffy was more than a little surprised to hear this. He looked
and sounded very sincere, and it confused her. "Well...good.
Because that's what I want."

"Then that's what you shall have," he assured her. "But you
remember one thing. No one will ever love you the way I do. As
MUCH as I do." Shaking his head, he gave her a smile. "So
long, Slayer," he said with a small wave. "It's been a real slice."

Turning around, he disappeared into the darkness of the
cemetery.

And Buffy watched him go.


TBC...
Feedback is welcome





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