Standard Disclaimer: All of the characters in this story are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, Inc. No copyright infringement is intended. We are simply borrowing them for our own demented purposes. We promise to give them back, more or less intact.
Note: This is a little project that CJ came up with to divert us from the fact that our fourteen-chapter epic, Shades of Gray, is still bogged down in editing. As an aside, hats off to Leslie for agreeing to edit 10,000 word chapters ;-)
This story begins on the morning after the events of “Smashed.” Everything on the show up to that point is assumed to have occurred in our “Buffyverse.”
Rating: PG for this chapter. Pairings: B/S, of course.
HIJINX
The comic misadventures of everyone’s favorite lumpy minion
Part the First
‘Enter the Minion’
Written by
CJ
*
Buffy’s eyes blinked open. She had no idea where she was. From what she could see as her eyes began to focus, it looked like she was in the basement of some collapsed building. Then she registered the weight of something draped over her stomach. She jolted into full consciousness with a start and almost immediately realized, to her horror, that she was stark naked.
“Hello cutie,” a familiar voice sounded.
She rolled over to see Spike propped up on one elbow and gazing down at her. The memories of what had happened earlier that night flooded her mind. “Oh God,” she spit out.
The soft, optimistic look on Spike’s face dropped. “I knew it. Here it bloody well comes. It’ll never happen again, Spike. You’re evil, Spike. I don’t have any feelings for you, Spike. You’re beneath me, Spike,’” he tried mocking her, to hide the total gut-wrenching pain he was feeling.
“Well I’m glad to see we’re both clear on that,” Buffy said with venom as she quickly got up. She held his duster in front of her body as she gathered her clothes and quickly pulled them on. Once dressed, she started to walk towards the stairs. As she passed Spike, still lying naked and dumbfounded on the ground, she tossed his coat on top of him. At the same time he sat up, grabbed her arm, and jerked her to the ground.
“Buffy,” He pleaded, “We need to talk. This isn’t just kissing in the back of the Bronze. This is you and me having sex. We had sex, Buffy.”
“And this is me, waking up the morning after and trying to flee with some sense of dignity left. And let go. You’re hurting me,” she remarked coldly.
“Do realize what this means, what last night was?” He sounded desperate now.
She looked at him coldly and yanked her arm out of his grasp. “Yeah, it was a mistake.”
“I think you mean ‘mistakes’, luv. Three big mistakes, or wasn’t it four for you?” he smirked nastily. He was grasping for straws, and as he always did in these situations, he managed to say exactly the wrong thing.
“You’re sick, Spike.” She was totally repulsed by his obscene response.
They stared at each other with utter contempt in their eyes. Then, he quickly grabbed her and pulled her on top of him and they started kissing each other violently. As Buffy began feverishly stripping the clothes she had just put back on, a vaguely familiar voice came from the top of the stairs, “Masters!”
At the sound of the interruption they both sat bolt upright and the half naked slayer dove into the vampire’s arms for cover. Spike stared in disbelief. Buffy twisted her head around to see who had interrupted them. She was as shocked as Spike. “Oh no. Not again!” She screamed angrily. She scrambled to pull her bra and shirt back on as the brown robed, lumpy minion descended the stairs.
“Oh most fornicating ones, I’ve finally found you!” Jinx said, sounding elated.
Spike jumped up and grabbed a knife from his duster, “You want I should kill him now, or do we take him to the shop, chain him up and torture him a bit first?”
“By all means, kill him now.” Buffy replied quickly. Glory’s head minion was not something she had ever hoped to see again. Reliving the nightmare that had been the past year would be more than she could take.
Jinx quickly smiled and hopped towards Spike, “ Ahh, most violent, gruesome death causing ones. Please allow me to kill myself, so that I, your humble servant, might not inconvenience you.” The look in his eyes was totally sincere.
Nonplussed, Spike shrugged and handed him the knife.
As he was about to impale himself on the blade Buffy yelled, “Wait.” He stopped the knife just short of slicing into his abdomen. “What do you mean, ‘our humble servant’?” she asked.
He eagerly replied, “You, my most slay-tastic one, have defeated my former master. I am therefore forced to hurl myself at your feet to beg that you allow me to be your humble loyal minion, as I have no way to care for myself on my own.”
Buffy looked at him oddly. “So…you’re like some big, lumpy, orphaned kitten?”
Spike chimed in at this. “You know, it is almost poker night.”
Buffy just shook her head at him. “We need to get the gang’s advice. Let’s get him to the Magic Box and then call everybody.” She took the knife from Jinx’s hand and shoved him in front of her. “Come on. Now be a good boy and we won’t have to disembowel you.” Buffy started up the stairs and Jinx scampered along with her. Spike zipped up his pants, grabbed his shirts and duster and trotted up the stairs after them.
**
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Just get over here now.” Buffy said and hung up the phone. “Ok. Xander and Anya will be here in five minutes and Dawn and Tara are already on their way here. But I can’t get a hold of Willow. It looks like she and Amy went out somewhere.”
“Do you really think it’s a good idea to be letting Dawn be around this thing? I mean, come on pet, we all know what happened last time.” Spike asked, sounding concerned.
“Don’t call me, pet, snapped Buffy, the steel in her voice causing Spike to wince.
Buffy looked at Jinx, “You, sit. Stay.” She pointed at a chair. He did just as he was told. She then looked at Spike, “You, Come.” She started walking towards the training room. Spike opened his mouth to make a comment, but he then closed it realizing that it would have just been too easy. He silently followed her into the training room.
“That’s the plan.” She started. “I want to see how he acts around Dawn. If he so much as thinks about looking at her wrong, I’ll kill him before he can blink, but if he doesn’t…you have to admit, he does look the worse for wear.”
“You’re not seriously thinking of taking this thing in?” Spike sounded horrified.
“Right. Because we never take in demons that used to be our mortal enemies when they have something traumatic happen to them that leaves them helpless.” She glared at him. “But actually this time I was just thinking that we could use it as a chance to make sure Glory or any of her followers really aren’t back, then kill him.”
“Works for me,” Spike agreed.
“And Spike, if you tell any of my friends what happened earlier tonight I…” Buffy was cut off by the sound of Dawn screaming at the top of her lungs.
They bolted out of the training room to find Dawn hiding behind Tara standing at the door, and Jinx was curled up, hiding underneath the chair Buffy had told him to sit in. “Doesn’t look like he’s planning any ferocious attack now, does he luv?” Spike smirked.
“Buffy, why is that thing here?” Tara questioned.
Buffy sighed and began the story, “Apparently when Glory died he was the only minion to survive the battle. He can’t take care of himself. So now, since we beat his old master, he thinks that means he should be our minion.”
“So if he’s like our minion, he’ll do whatever I say, right?” Dawn’s interest was now piqued.
“That’s the way it works, Niblet.” Spike answered.
Dawn’s face lit up, “Cool. Hey lumpy guy. You got a name?”
Jinx hopped up and walked towards her. He dropped to his knees in front of her. “If it pleases you, oh great keyish one, Glorificus always called me ‘Jinx’.”
“Well then, Jinx,” Dawn was obviously loving this, “ I want a glass of water. Go get me one.”
Jinx jumped up and started running around the store. He quickly found the water fountain and filled a paper cup with water and ran it back over to Dawn.
“Thanks.” She said. “And I’m tired of standing. Go get me a chair.” He quickly got the largest, most comfortable looking chair he could find and dragged it over to her. “This is so cool!” She gushed. “Buffy, can we keep him?”
In unison, Buffy, Spike, and Tara all yelled “No!”
Tara walked over to Buffy and asked, “So, what are we going to do with him?”
Buffy watched as Dawn told Jinx to do all sorts of demeaning things, with which he happily complied. “I don’t know,” was all Buffy could say.
Just then Xander’s voice became audible over the noise of the store, “What the…” was all he could get out as Buffy, Spike and Tara walked to the door to greet their friends.
Anya eyed the scene, and them suspiciously, “I don’t know which I find more disturbing, one of Glory’s minions giving Dawn a foot massage or the fact that those two,” she pointed at Buffy and Spike, “clearly just had sex.”
“Anya,” Xander almost choked. “How can you say that? Buffy would never…”
She cut him off, “Look at them. Their hair and clothes are messed up, they’re all dirty, and Spike’s T-shirt is on inside out.
“Oh god.” Xander mumbled as he realized Anya was right. Buffy looked mortified and about to bolt.
“See. Pay up.” Anya demanded. At this Xander, Tara, and Dawn all pulled out their wallets and tossed bills at Anya, which she collected greedily.
Dawn then realized something and asked, “This was the first time right? You two didn’t, you know… right after Halloween? Did you?”
Buffy stared at her little sister in shock, “God, no. This was the first and last time it will ever happen. And what’s with all the way none of your business questions? What the Hell is this?”
Xander answered, “See Buff, we kinda all made a bet.”
“A bet?” Buffy sounded disgusted.
“Actually,” Anya replied, “it was more like one of those baby pools. We all picked a week, and whoever’s week it was when you two finally had sex, got all the money.”
“And you allowed my fifteen year old sister to be part of this?” Buffy still couldn’t believe her ears.
“Buffy, it was kinda my idea.” Dawn replied sheepishly. “I had the week between Halloween and when that musical sing-y guy showed up.”
Buffy was floored. “I can’t believe this. You all thought I was having sex with Spike and nobody said anything? Thank god Willow’s not here. She would be so wigged by this.”
“Come on Buff,” Xander pleaded with his friend, “We’re not stupid. All the late night ‘patrolling’ with Spike? The way you two look at each other when you’re talking and you think no one else is around? We all kinda saw it coming. But you’re right. Willow probably is going to be pretty pissed when she finds out. She had last week.”
“Argh.” Buffy sighed and slumped down into a chair next to Dawn. Jinx quickly ran over and started massaging Buffy’s shoulders. “Mmm, that feels really good,” she groaned. “If he’s house broken, maybe we can keep him.”
