Chapter 7: The past
As Buffy lay in bed she stared at the ceiling. Although the last four months had been the scariest and most truly terrifying thing she had ever had to encounter, with Spike’s help they had also been the most fun.
He had pulled out all the stops to make sure she did everything she ever wanted. Ever since that day he had found her in her bed, he had moved in and become a permanent resident at 1630 Revello drive.
However Buffy knew there was something she had to do and she wouldn’t be able to put it off any longer. He had to know.
Pulling herself out of bed, a task that was getting harder and harder each day, Buffy went into the bathroom and ran herself hot bath. Sinking into the deep water she laid there and tired to imagine what his reaction would be.
Sitting up she scrubbed her body, before stepping carefully out the bath and drying herself. Looking at her reflection she didn’t recognise the girl stood before her. She was so different from the one who had stood her just over a year ago.
Her twenty first birthday was approaching in a few weeks and for once Buffy dreaded it, she dreaded what it would bring, would she even be around to see it. The way things where going it seemed doubtful. Despite that she was determined to make the most out of each day.
Walking back to her bedroom with the towel wrapped tightly around her she let it drop when she reached her room. Opening her underwear, draw she picked out a matching set of underwear; she seemed to be doing that a lot lately. As she put it on she didn’t even realise she had put on Spike favourite colour.
Walking over to her wardrobe she picked out a pair of loose fitting combats and a black jumper. Digging out a pair of black trainers from the back of her wardrobe she then went over to her dressing table that now looked more like a hair dressers than a dressing table.
Picking the wig that was most like her natural hair Buffy looked fondly on the others that sat on the table. Buffy and Willow had gone shopping one day and bought every ludicrous wig they could find. Buffy knew she would hardly ever wear half of them as she felt like she was off Alias, but they were still nice to have.
Securing the wig she had chosen she put it on and then tied in into a ponytail.
Taking one last look at herself in the mirror, she smiled at herself. The girl in front of her looked strong, stronger than Buffy had felt in a long time.
Time to go and tell him.
Picking up her denim jacket she went downstairs to go and find Spike.
***
When she couldn’t find him anywhere on the downstairs level she headed into the kitchen and down into the basement were they had sent a room up for Spike as it got no sunshine.
On the small bed at the bottom of the stairs, laid Spike, he wore no shirt and a sheet covered his hips, but Buffy had a slight suspicion he wasn’t wearing anything under there either. His eyes were closed in peaceful surrender and his usually gelled back hair was mussed up and curly. He looked so innocent that Buffy couldn’t help wondering what he would have been like when he was alive.
Deciding to let sleeping vampires lie, at east until she had a bribe, she sneaked quietly back up the stairs, never noticing that as she did Spike opened one of his eyes.
***
Back in the kitchen, Buffy took down one of the cups from the cupboard. Placing down on the counter she went over to the fridge and took out the jar of blood that was in it.
As she watched the blood pouring into the cup, making the perfect white china change to a deep red, Buffy wondered if her blood would taste poisoned now. Now she was diseased would a vampire be able to taste it through her blood?
Placing the mug into the microwave she was broken out of her thoughts by the beep, telling her it was done.
Carefully taking the hot drink out she stuck the thermometer in to make sure that it was the right temperature.
Placing it onto a tray so she didn’t spill any of it she went and carried it down to the basement. She was surprised to see Spike sat up on his bed when she went back down. He was now also wearing pants.
“I guess you heard me when I came down first time then?”
“With those elephant feet, nah.” Buffy hear the sarcasm in his voice.
“Ha ha very funny.” Giving him to mug she went and sat down next to him.
“Sorry, love vampire hearing.” Smiling he looked across at her, she looked deep in thought. “So, pet, what brings you down here on this fine morning with offerings of blood?”
Buffy turned to look at him, he was studying her carefully. “Spike I need to ask you something but you have to promise not to get cross.”
Spike could sense that she was nervous. “Sure love, fire away.”
“Will you drive me to LA?”
“What?” Spike sat up a little straighter, Peaches lived in LA and he knew he would gut Spike if he thought for even a second that he had been near his girl.
“You heard me Spike. He deserves to know. You know he does. I have to tell him. Please will you take me Spike?”
“You know Buffy there is this new invention called a phone, where you can call him. Then none of us have to go to LA and risk losing our bits.”
“Spike, Its not really the kind of thing I can ring up and just say. ‘Gee Angel haven’t spoke to you in a while, how have you been? Me? Oh I have cancer only have a few more months to live.’ Not really the kind of thing you do over the phone. It has to be done in person, please understand. I have to do this. I can’t put it off any longer.”
Seeing her forlorn look, Spike sighed, “Fine I’ll take you. But we wait until nightfall. I have had enough near sizzle incidents recently.”
Smiling Buffy stood up, “Thank you Spike. Thank you for understanding.” With that she picked up the tray and walked back up the stairs.”
Watching as she went up the stairs, Spike took a deep breath and took in her scent that now filled the room. She was definitely doing something to him, he just wasn’t sure if she knew it yet.
He would do anything for her, walk across hot bloody coals if it would make her happy.
Knowing it would be a long night he placed the now empty mug down on the floor and laid back down on his small cot. Closing his eyes he wished for sleep to come.
Falling into a restless sleep he dreamt about Angel and fighting him over Buffy.
***
At half past seven, Buffy put on her thick coat, hoping that its bulkiness would hide her tiny frame. She didn’t want Angel knowing just how bad it had gotten.
Spraying more perfume on she went and waited downstairs for Spike to emerge from the basement.
At ten minutes to eight he walked through from the kitchen.
“Blimey, pet. How much perfume have you put on, trying to gas me or something?”
Buffy gave him a sheepish look. “Sorry Spike. Its just you said you could smell when something isn’t right with me, which means Angel will be able to, too. I don’t want him knowing before I tell him. I was hoping that the mass of perfume would mask the smell.”
“Buffy, pet, it will only mask it until he is used to it. Once his senses adapt to it, he will smell the real you loud and clear, kitten. I already can.”
“I know. I’m just hoping that his senses adapting as you put it, it will give me time to tell him. He does deserve to know from me, and not from his stupid vampire senses.”
“Suppose. Least he doesn’t have to sit in a car with you all stinky of perfume for the next hour or so.”
Buffy looked up shyly. “Sorry Spike, I forgot about that.”
“It’s alright, pet. I’ll live, well unlive, you know what I mean.” Picking up his duster from the coat stand he threw it on. “Well come on lets get this show on the road.”
Picking up his car keys they left the house together.
***
When they were within a few minutes of the hotel, Spike saw Buffy start to fidget in her seat, wringing her hands in front of her. Reaching over he held one of her hands tightly in his, causing her to look at him.
“Relax pet, he’ll understand.”
“I know. It’s just not the kind of thing I ever thought I would be telling him.”
Letting go of her hand, he placed his back on the steering wheel. “Do you want me to come in with you?”
“Nah. I think maybe it’s best if you stay in the car Spike. It means a lot to me that you would come in with me, but I think it will just make things more complicated all round if you were to show up.”
Spike nodded his head in understanding. “Well, pet here we are.” Pulling up outside the Hyperion Hotel he killed the engine. “Good luck, luv.”
Giving him a forced smile, Buffy stepped out the car. Pulling her coat tighter round herself to ward of the chill that seemed to settle round her, she walked towards the main entrance.
***
Angel sat in his office, searching through police file after police file, in hopes of finding the guy he was looking for. So far it had wielded no luck.
Placing the files down, he was about to reach over for the mug of blood that sat next to him, when he heard a noise in the foyer. Inhaling to see if it was a scent he recognised his senses were assaulted by a cheap perfume, unknown to him.
Silently picking up the long sword that sat next to him, he slipped gracefully of the chair and crept into the foyer.
Stepping round the corner, sword raised, he nearly dropped it when he saw who stood in the middle of the room.
“Buffy?”
Hearing his voice, Buffy looked up from staring at the floor into his deep drown eyes. “Hey Angel.”
Neither moved as the stood staring at each other. Finally it was Buffy who broke the silence. “It’s your turn to say something Angel. Unlike you I can’t stand here staring at each other for all eternity.”
This snapped Angel out of his Buffy educed daze. “What are you doing in my city Buffy?”
“You’re right I should have realised that you wouldn’t want me here. Not after everything. I’ll go.” Bottling it, Buffy turned to leave, only to have Angel stop her.
“Buffy wait! I didn’t mean it like that. I was just surprised to see you here. What are you doing here?”
Looking him right in the eye, she let her body language relax as she felt her tension start to drain. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”
***
Sat out in the small courtyard garden, Buffy looked up at the sky. The stars were masked by the heavy layer of pollution, but like when she was a child, Buffy pretended she could still see them; they were entrances to other worlds. Ways to escape.
Picking on of the flowers of the bush next to her she twiddled it between her fingers. Angel had suggested they talk outside and Buffy had welcomed the idea. She liked being out away from the stuffiness of the hotel. Despite all its rooms she still felt claustrophobic in it.
“What’s wrong Buffy? Why are you in LA?”
Hearing Angel’s voice next to her, it seemed so distant yet so close. Staring at the flower, Buffy felt tears well in her eyes. “I’m sick Angel.”
“Sick?” Angel was unsure what Buffy was trying to tell him, he couldn’t smell anything wrong with her.
“And I am not going to get better.”
“Buffy I don’t understand what you are saying. What’s wrong? Why won’t you get better? Why are you telling me this?” As he stared at her the perfume started to melt into the background and for the first time since she had shown up at the hotel he smelt the real her, and something was seriously wrong.
“Angel please.” Buffy stared at him with teary eyes, begging him not to get angry. “I have what Mom got. I have the tumour too.”
“What about surgery, couldn’t they…”
“It’s too late Angel. They can’t do anything.”
“But they must. They can’t just let you die.” Angel was on his feet now, pacing in front of her, barely able to understand what she was telling him.
“I have accepted it Angel. I am not scared anymore. The doctors can’t do anything, I understand that.”
“Well we will find another way then.” Walking past her he walked into his office leaving Buffy to follow after him. “We’ll go to the trial, go see Lorne. I won’t give in Buffy, we will beat this.”
“Angel no.” Tears now steamed down her face.
“I won’t let you die Buffy, not again. There will be a way to save you.” Walking to his bookcase he pulled over three books spreading them out on his desk.
“Angel stop. Please. This isn’t the way.”
“No Buffy, when Darla was dying we went to the trial. I’ll do the same for you. We can stop this. Make you well again.”
Trying to follow him round his office as he looked from book to book. Buffy finally caught his arm. “Angel. I accepted it, please don’t make this harder. There’s nothing Angel. We have tried. Do you think I just gave up? Is that what you think I did? Do you think I wanted to die! Angel I tried, we tried to find a cure we really tried.” Collapsing on the floor at his feet, she let the sobs wrack through her body. “But I am just so tired of fighting now. I don’t want to fight anymore. Please Angel. Don’t make me fight anymore. Please, please.”
Sinking to the floor next to her, Angel held her as she cried on his shoulder. “I’m sorry Buffy. I guess I’m just not ready to lose you. You are the only girl I ever truly loved. The thought of you not being here hurts me more than I care to admit. I wanted to do something. I understand though Buffy. And if this is the way that you want it to be then I accept that. No more searching.”
“Thank you.” Sitting back up from his embrace, she wiped her wet face with the back of her hand.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
***
Half an hour later they were sat back out in the courtyard, Buffy was staring back at the stars. She held a hot cup of tea between her hands. She had told Angel about how they had discovered it, what the doctor had said, at least what she could remember. She had missed the parts with Spike. As she had told him in the car, she didn’t want to complicate things more.
Angel for his part had sat patiently and listened as Buffy recalled what she was going through. She had removed her thick coat to allow him to see her thin frame. Although shocked he didn’t say a word.
“And that’s where we are now. I thought you should know.”
“Thank you Buffy for telling me. I know this wasn’t easy. How long do you have…” He let his voice trail off.
“Left? About 2-3 months. If I am lucky. I really am ok Angel. It’s the best way.”
“I’m sorry Buffy.”
“Really Angel, I’m ok. I promise.” Smiling she cupped his check.
“Do you want me to come back to Sunnydale?”
“It’s best if you stay here. You have your own battles to fight. Thank you for the offer though.” Glancing the clock she realised she had been there for nearly three hours. “I should…” Glancing at the gate, Angel understood what she meant.
Standing up they shared a moment, each just looking at the other, knowing this would be the last time they would probably ever see each other again. Neither said a word. Finally Buffy turned away. Zipping her coat back on, she turned away from Angel and started to walk back to the gates.
“Buffy?” Hearing him call her name she turned back to face him. “One last question, what’s Spike in all of this?”
“Spike?”
“I can smell him all over you.”
“Oh. Spike is… it’s complicated. He’s… helping.” A small smile came to her face as she thought of Spike.
“Do you love him? Because last time I checked he was a killer Buffy.”
“He’s different now Angel. Anyway you were a killer once and I still loved you.”
“Do you love him?”
Buffy sighed and realised she owed Angel the truth. “I don’t know. I don’t know what he means to me. He has helped me so much, I feel like I can’t live without him now. But love? I don’t know yet Angel.”
“When you know, would you let me know?” Angel knew that Buffy had feelings for his childe, she just didn’t know it herself yet.
Smiling a small smile at Angel, Buffy turned and walked out the gates and to her waiting Spike.
TBC…..
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry its been ages between updates... I have been rushed off my feet. Hope you like!!! Please leave me a review!