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Author's Chapter Notes:
this chapter I like very much. And gues what? Just four chapters left! (I messed up in my last chapter and said four, when there was five. My bad)
Life 11 – There Goes My Life

All he could think about was
I'm too young for this
Got my whole life ahead
Hell, I'm just a kid myself
How'm I gonna raise one?

All he could see were his dreams
Goin' up in smoke
So much for ditchin' this town
And hangin' out on the coast
Oh well, those plans are long gone.
And he said,

There goes my life
There goes my future
My everything
Might as well kiss it all good bye
There goes my life.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next three weeks were complete bliss. I spent all my time at Spike’s, or Willow’s, or Xander’s, and mom even stopped calling my cell at all hours asking when I was coming home. I told her when she got rid of that piece of trash and she finally took the hint and stopped calling. Mostly I stayed at Willow’s, but Giles was always telling me to come on over and I could stay in the guest room so more than a few times I spent nights there. Most of the time Spike would sneak in after Giles was asleep and we’d spend the night in each other’s arms, just talking or sleeping whatever we wanted to do. He would sneak back to his bed sometime in the middle of the night, but I noticed the way Giles would look at us during breakfast and I think he knew what we were up to.

We only had one, I wouldn’t call it argument, but more of a setback, in that beautiful three-week period, and it was over sex. Spike and me had been going at it pretty good and then he started reaching up under my shirt and as soon as he touched my breast I freaked out.

“What’s wrong, luv?” he asked staring at me in confusion as I was pacing in front of the sofa.

“We … we… can’t,” I finally managed shaking as if it wasn’t Spike sitting there but Ted. I could feel the cold steel in my arm and in my belly; I could feel the pain of being ripped apart for my first time. I heard the ugly words and felt every slap he had ever managed to land on me. Felt every single tear I had ever shed. Hugging my arms around my arms around myself I stared at Spike in horror, and he looked like someone had just killed his dog.

“Baby, talk to me. What did I do wrong?” He was talking to me like a child; I could hear it in his voice. He was talking me down from the bridge like I was some sort of fucking JD about to plunge to my death. That thought made me stop and with a sob I realized I was that fucking JD about to take the death plunge.

“No, no, no, stop, please…” I begged falling to my knees and cupping my hands over my ears.

Spike knelt beside me and tried to talk to me and suddenly I glared at him. “Fuck off, Spike! You have no idea what it’s like to be raped! You have no idea what it’s fucking like to be ripped apart!” I was in such a rage, not at him really, but at Ted, that I didn’t realize I had finally admitted it. “You’re acting like I’m about to pop a bunch of pills, well guess what sweetheart it would be better then living here all the time! Living in this hell! What would you do if every time you closed your eyes you heard your own cries of pain? Every time you went to sleep you felt blood seeping through your closed wounds? You don’t know! You act like you do but you just fucking don’t know!”

With that I ran out of the house and finally crumpled in the park and sobbed my pain out to the homeless man who was hiding under the slide. Spike showed up not more than 5 minutes after I arrived and held me as I let everything leave me. When I was finally so tired I couldn’t move, he picked me up and carried me back to his house, tucking me in and then as I fell asleep I heard him confessing everything to Giles.

Staring into his face now, you wouldn’t even think that just a week ago he had found out exactly what he’d feared. I knew that when I was ‘sleeping’ him and Giles were talking about Ted and what to do about him. I even heard Giles talking to the police. They doubled their search for Ted and Giles made Dawn move into his place. He said that Janice’s was nice enough, but he would feel safer with Dawn under his roof. He gave her his bedroom, since I had the other guest bedroom, and he took to sleeping on the couch. We didn’t mind, but from that fateful night on, I wasn’t allowed to sleep over at Willow’s or Xander’s.

I was thankful at one of the rules Giles had laid down: No one was to be informed why until I was ready to tell. Not even Dawn. She had argued but it didn’t take long before she had acquiesced to Giles command.

So, when Giles went over to my house and found Ted sitting on the couch with a beer bottle and mom curled against him as if nothing was out of the ordinary, it was really no surprise when he came home with a broken wrist, bloodied nose, and black eye. He also had an assault charge, since he threw the first punch and was technically not my guardian or father, but the Sunnydale PD didn’t do much about it, just gave him a stern warning. But they did, haul Ted into custody, but he got out on bail. Giles said that the police were looking and needing more evidence to keep him. That’s when he asked me if I would testify.

I got so scared I went and threw up. It occurred to me as I sat on the tiled bathroom floor that that wasn’t the first time in the last few weeks. At 5 weeks since my rape, it would make sense. I sat there and cried as I realized that yes my last period was over a month and a half ago and that there was a huge possibility that – “You okay in there, luv?”

I looked up at Spike’s voice and walked to the sink, quickly rinsing before opening the door and smiling weakly. “Fine, why?”

“You ran out of there pretty quickly, and I figured you had gotten sick.” Spike stared at me with his head tilted, looking for all the world like he was trying to puzzle out why I looked different. I coughed loudly, my hand automatically flying to my stomach and moving Spike back into the living room.

“Told you, I’m fine. Stop with the interrogation already, geez,” I said, all in a rush and mentally admonished myself. ‘Act cool, Buffy, god!’ I berated myself. ‘Sides there isn’t that big of a possibility is there?’

“Ahh, there you are Buffy,” Giles said and I giggled as I noticed him clean his glasses. “You ran off so quickly I didn’t quite catch your answer. You will, of course, testify against the bastard won’t you?”

I swallowed hard, “Yeah of course. Except, nothing about, you know. Please? Just that he hit me. And stabbed me once or twice. And also bit a chunk out of my neck. Not that he… did that to me.” I was practically crying, and I could feel the tears threatening to fall as I begged.

Giles sighed, “You might have to Buffy.”

“It wouldn’t do any good, Giles! I washed away all the evidence. There’s nothing left, just some dumb knife scars that are really faint now.” I still was clutching my stomach and I hoped everyone though I was just sick.

“Yes, well, the physical evidence between the two of you is very slim, but you are a pair of respectable young women and that word alone is above and beyond that of an old tosser like him.” I breathed a sigh of relief, as Giles seemed to be getting off the idea.

Begging off dinner, I went out for a walk and ended up at the pharmacy. Scared beyond belief, I looked down and whispered, “If you are in there, I will love you no matter your parentage. Got it? Spike can be your daddy. He’ll love you like he should, don’t worry. And he would never beat and rape you like your real dad. Not dad, sperm donor. Your sperm donor that happens to share DNA with you.” I smiled and walk in with my head held high and grabbed a pregnancy test. The first one I could, without looking at it.

The lady behind the counter smacked her gum and stared at me thoughtfully. “Little young, aren’t you?” She asked, in what seemed to be a conversational tone of voice. “Well, I wouldn’t use this one. Expensive and hard as hell to read.” She grabbed my arm and walked me back to the aisle. “How far along do you think you are?”

I looked at my feet and mumbled, “5 weeks.”

“Well, this one will be perfect then.” And she handed me a Clearblue package. I smiled at her shyly and she grinned. As we walked back she told me of her past. “Don’t worry about it, kid, I was 13 when I first got knocked up. Not my fault of course, guy said that the condom was new. Turned out to be quite old. Anyways, I lost that one, but was pregnant again when I was 15-“ She stopped and looked at me, “How old are you, sweet cheeks?”

I grinned, “15,” and she laughed.

“Well, that one I had and kept. She’s 17 now, name’s Faith.” I snorted, but she ignored it and kept going, “Third pregnancy worked out too, he’s 11, name’s Connor.” She showed me pictures as she talked and when I left the pharmacy I was in a much more spirited mood and practically skipped home. She said her name was Anya and that she worked there every weekday, the night shift, so come back anytime I needed to talk, and to tell her how everything worked out with the kid.

My elation however left me as I stared at the pregnancy test with tears rolling down my cheeks. Re-reading the instructions I nearly lost it as it was confirmed. I was pregnant, and the baby was most definitely Ted’s. I was pregnant with my stepfather’s child, who raped me. I laughed, wondering if that was enough to convince any judge, but even as I thought it I knew that I would never tell anyone. Not yet anyway, and I was not using my baby on the stand. Ted and mom would never know it was his, but of course Spike would know.

That was the plan, but my plans never have a way of working the way they should. As I was shopping about two weeks later, I stopped and stared at a display of beautiful baby carriages and cribs and Spike noticed the wistful look on my face.

“Someday, pet, someday we’ll have one of our own. A little girl and I’ll spoil her rotten. We can live in England, and Dawn can come too, and we’ll be happy. A family, just the four of us. Dawn will live somewhere else of course, but until she finds a place she can stay with us.” He sounded so sincere that I giggled picturing it with him. What he didn’t know was that it was more likely to come true quite soon. Or so I thought.

As we passed Baskin Robbins an evil voice ran out behind me. “Buffy…” it singsonged and I whirled to see Ted standing there. Spike glared and moved in front of me, but it was too late. Ted had shoved and I went flying, straight down the escalator, where the last thing I seen was my Mom at the top staring down with a look of horror on her face. The last thing I remember thinking was ‘serves you right, mom’ and then all was blankness.




I woke up a little later in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and with something down my throat to give me food and oxygen. Not being able to talk I just watched as the scene outside my room played out. Spike, Mom, a Doctor, and Dawn were all there. It seemed two interns were restraining mom as she looked about to rip Spike a new one.

“HOW DARE YOU! You knocked up my little girl! You sick freak!” she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Spike looked like he had been crying and I heard his whispered, “I didn’t do it,” but mom seemed to ignore that. He finally looked up to her and anger was clouding his face. “Listen here, Mrs. Roberts, as much as you wish to think the worst of me you might want to try pointing the finger of blame on those that actually deserve it. For one thing, Buffy and me have never had sex, mainly because she’s been too skittish since her rape! And guess what lovely man did that thing? Oh, could it be your asshole of a husband? Yes, Joyce, Ted Roberts, the king, the one and only glorified, Ted, raped your little girl and got her knocked up. Then he did himself a favor when he shoved her down that flight of stairs and killed it too!”





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