Dear Spike,
This is going to be one of the dozens of letters I’ve written to you over the years, but never had a thought of really giving them to you.
The first one was when I first met you, telling myself that I was stupid for considering you when I had Angel. And, not only that, you turn out to be some vampire threatening to kill me. The second time I did that, I actually thanked you for helping me. Really stupid, huh? After all, you only did it to get Drusilla back. The third and fourth were really stupid. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. The third was because you were right about Angel and me. The fourth because of the feelings I had after Willow’s spell. And, by the way, “Wind Beneath My Wings” is a good song…well, not good. But it’s okay for a wedding. Yeah, I know I never gave you back your ring. That’s because…
Anyway, after Riley was okay…I had this dream. And in it…I told you I loved you. And it bothered me beyond belief. How sick was I to fall in love with someone who hated everything I stood for? And I managed to keep this from Dawn’s nosy self. Otherwise, she probably would have told you. The sixth was to damn Drusilla for coming to town. The seventh was to damn you for feeling that way. The eighth was to ask if there could be a chance for us and my doubt that it was possible. The ninth was to tear your head off about that stupid robot. Can you say ‘eww’?
The tenth was an ‘if I don’t make it letter’. And you have to believe me when I say that I meant to send it with the nine others. And I swear I never meant to hurt you that night in the alley. You’d never been so truthful until you said, “you always hurt the ones you love”. And not a day goes by where I don’t wish I did something different.
My twelfth. I wrote that a month and a half ago, asking you to come back to me. The thirteenth damned you for leaving. The fourteenth was to damn Kita. The fifteenth, to damn Drusilla. The sixteenth to damn myself. The seventeenth to vent my anger that somehow Drusilla got you.
This, is number eighteen. It’s to ask forgiveness. Forgiveness for not finding you. Two months, Spike. Two. And I still can’t find you. And I know you’re somewhere out there. So, forgive me. Forgive me for not fixing everything. For not being able to.
I’ve finally broken. Finally given up.
There’ll probably b a couple more after this one. All blaming me for losing the one I loved, when he wasn’t going anywhere intentionally.
Forgive me,
Buffy
That feeling’s still there. Bothering him. Drusilla and Kita were having a girls’ night out. He’d decided to take it upon himself to search Kita’s room. He could tell that she was hiding something. Something important.
He searched her drawers and stopped when he found a small book. “So, the evil psychotic witch keeps a diary.” He muttered, opening it.
Go to Sunnydale
Get Spike
Change memories
Get the hell out of town
Give “remedy” to keep memories away
Kill that meddling Slayer
Spike dropped the book like it had been dipped in holy water. His mind was racing a mile a minute as he though about what he’d seen.
Got to Sunnydale. Get Spike.
He’d been there. In Sunnyhell. And Kita lied.
Change memories.
“Fake. It’s all fake.” He murmured as he backed away from where he left the book.
Get the hell out of town. Give “remedy” to keep memories away.
Rage filled his entire being. The gut feeling. Knowing this was fake. That it didn’t add up. Somewhere inside of him he knew that this wasn’t right and it never clicked.
“So, do you search everyone’s rooms, or just mine?”
Spike spun to face Kita. That bitch. “You messed with my memory. I ought to-“
“Ought to what, Spike?” Kita’s eyes locked on his and he suddenly felt like he was falling.
He was falling, and falling and then he was trying to remember why he’d been in Kita’s room in the first place. “Kita…why am I in your room?”
“Don’t know, Spike. I was about to ask you the same.”
Spike wasn’t and had never been stupid. If she’d just come into her room, she should’ve been by the door. Except she was standing in front of a little black book as if she were trying to hide it. That, and she had this expectant look on her face.
Spike nodded slowly, filing that away for later. He turned and left the room, not closing the door behind him as he muttered, “I think I’m spending too much time with Dru.”
Kita glared at his back. She picked up the book and ripped out the page with the checklist, flicking open her lighter to burn it.
Spike watched from the doorway, eyes narrowed. Kita was up to something. He was most definitely sure of it.