"Just go inside. I mean, sure, he just told you off in a big way about all the horrible things you've done this year and then he kicked you out, but he'd listen if you went back in...right?"
Sure, she can say she's going to go back and talk to him. But that doesn't mean she'll do it. What if he kicked her out again? Or-or he decided to skip town on her? What would she say to Dawn? 'Oh, you know, I am the reason they all run away. I mean, look at Spike. I abused him all year and he finally left.'
"Oh...Dawn would hate me for that."
And why the hell was she outside his crypt, a second from knocking on the door and having a two-sided conversation with herself? This was Spike...who she wanted, needed and might love.
Spike was stirring so many feelings inside her. Feelings she thought she'd never feel again. All it took was for him to push her away...make himself unavailable for her. And her she was acting just as bad as him, stalking his home.
"I'm not stalking. I'm deciding. And standing outside his crypt while I do it. It's perfectly normal..."
She wondered for a moment if Spike was going crazy, being able to tell she was out there, pacing outside and trying to think of things to say to him. To make him change his mind. Let her back in.
She had to laugh at that thought. Hadn't she deliberately come by in the daytime so he couldn't follow her? So that he couldn't change her mind? And there she was getting ready to do the same exact thing. She was such a hypocrite.
"Spike. I'm sorry about everything I've done. From the nasty comments to the fighting. I had this thing. I call it Denial Buffy. Everything I don't want to believe allows it to kick in. And, with you, it's been in overdrive. You may not have noticed, but when I'm-God, I sound like I'm giving a speech on feelings.
"I'm never going inside. That's it. I'm not." She turned away and took a couple steps away. "And he's gonna think I believed it all...which I did, but..."
Why was she so nervous? Was Spike that important? Did she have to be perfect when she went to him? He wasn't God Almighty.
"God, I hate this! I'm going in."
Set with determination, she turned to the crypt and marched inside.
"Five...four...three...two...one..."
Buffy burst into the crypt on cue and looked at Spike, sitting in his chair. "Okay, I'm going to talk. Only me. And you're going to listen."
When Spike only stared at her, she took a deep breath.
"Okay. So, you were kinda right. About the 'me using you' part. And I'm sorry."
Spike's eyes widened. Where was she getting at and was this some new way to torture him? Pretending to feel bad?
"I'm sorry that I've been wrapped up in my own little ball all year. I didn't think what our...thing...was doing to you. Only that it made me feel better and that was what really counted, right?" She let out a shattered breath and ran her hands through her blond hair.
Oh how he had loved her hair when it was long. Such golden beauty. And she cut it out of spite. Marring herself to try and turn him away. But it didn't.
"Wrong. I missed all the other things happening to my friends. And now I see everything. Willow won't get better without Tara. Dawn needs more attention so she doesn't go Klepto-Girl on me. Xander isn't ready to marry Anya yet and he'll break her heart if it happens now." She walked closer to him and he restrained himself from getting out of the chair as she knelt in front of it, face-to-face with him. "And me, I realized that I want to be with you."
"What?"
Yep. New way of torturing him. Play with his emotions. Make him hopeful and then shoot him down. Or maybe it was a dream. A horrible, cruel dream he'd wake up from in seconds...
"I want to be with you. This isn't a joke. This isn't a dream. I think I've been wallowing in my self-pity and world-hatred long enough. I will tell everyone: Willow, Xander, Anya, Dawn, and Tara. I'll even call Giles in England and Angel in L.A. I'll go on the top of your crypt right now and shout at the top of my lungs that I want to be with you."
For once, the Goddess of Words agreed with Buffy and let all the right words come out.
Spike's defenses were crumbling slowly but surely as she continued to speak.
"You may not have noticed, but I was myself when I was with you. You took away the pedestal I somehow got placed on...and...I love you for it." She smiled when his jaw dropped. "Whoo...I'm just full of confessions."
"You love me?" Spike echoed the only part his mind was able to wrap around. Loved him? She loved him? Holy fucking...
"Yes." She placed her hands on his thighs and positioned her face inches from his. "I, Buffy Anne Summers, am very deeply, very emotionally, no way out, searing red hot, no 'sweet dreams are made of this', real, hurtful, cold and bitterly in love with you, Spike. Question is, will you let me love you?"
Spike lost himself in the sincere green eye that showed love, and for him. He fell for her all over again. All he saw was a sea of green as she moved closer to him. Then, her lips were on his, asking.
Asking for forgiveness.
Asking for requited love.
Asking for a new start.
Asking for entrance. To be allowed back into his heart. For permanent residence.
For reconciliation.
And it came with almost no hesitation.