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chapter two

“How's it goin Buff?” Xander asked as they sat down to the sad excuse the school called lunch.

“Pretty Good.” She answered.

'Pretty Good' was what everyone said. And when they ask other's how it was going, it didn't mean they actually cared how it was going. It was just a simple salutation, just as 'Pretty Good' was always the standard, simple answer. An easy answer, that wouldn't beg more questions.

Buffy seemed to have trouble connecting Xander, guy--Care for Buffy, girl. For some reason, it just didn't click. Maybe it was because she ignored it, or maybe it was because she felt a bit skittish around guys. Maybe not, or maybe, but her friends, not even Willow would see she had such vunarublities. Wait no, drop the plural. Vunarubility, one weakness. That was men. But men were everyone, making her one weakness huge.

Hell, Buffy wouldn't even let *herself* know that she had vunarubilities. Yes, plural, and very. She hated men, and was suddenly so glad that her father had left years ago. If she had to come home to one them in her house everyday, she'd probably go insane. Either that, or she'd just run away.

“Ya gettin all caught up and such?” Xander tried making conversation. Poor kid. He really did have it bad. She didn't have any energy to make him squirm though. That is, she didn't have energy for much anything anymore these days.

“Yeah, Will's helpin me get there.” Buffy said distractdly. She didn't want to accidentally give Xander 'eyes', and make the poor sap think that she needed his help. Buffy didn't think she really needed anything from him, not even his friendship. But they had had such a good one before.....everything.

Xander nodded and looked down at his tray.

“I'm glad Buffy.” He said. She smiled at him slightly and nodded. Her smile faded. What vile view 'hath' God brung her now? And her mother wonders why she never goes to church anymore because...?

And it was at that moment, she didn't think she could take it.

Theres so much that goes on right underneath your nose, so much you don't see, so much you don't notice. What a sick joke, for her just to be forgetting this morning, when who should walk by? Spike. What a hansome reminder. She couldn't fool herself, she realized as she was now running away from the table. He was very good looking.

Vaguely she could hear Willow, calling after her. Well that certainly wasn't going to stop her, not unless she actually caught up anyways.

And he watched from behind Xander the whole thing. It was almost in slow motion. The red headed girl, almost spilling her milk on her khakis and deep hunter green sweater as she abruptly stood and ran after that very beautiful blond girl..Buffy. He watched as she reached Buffy and grabbed her arm. She wildly resisted being stopped, trying to jerk her arm free. And the two girls flailed this way and that, and people were staring...

He could see how she tried just as wildly here as she did not to see him or Parker walk by. But God, did he see her.

Xander couldn't just sit anymore. He loved her and hated when she panicked like this. It unnerved him. She was so strong, and had such control, and close to nothing could ruffle her feathers. But her wings were spread and she was ready fly away at the mere look, no glance, at that platnium blond.

He had the sudden urge to hit Spike. So caught up in himself was he, that he almost didn't know how the blood got there, how it had materialized, broken through the surface. The look on Spike's face as he was hunched over slightly reminded Xander that in fact, somehow he had done it.

“What in the hell was that for?” Spike growled, spitting his own blood on the ground. Xander shifted his weight and turned to see Buffy now standing, Willow had her hands on her shoulders. Both guys could see Willow's lips moving, and she'd often tuck hair behind Buffy's ear. Buffy just stood there, looking over Willow's shoulder, seemingly emotionless.

It was so much easier when sticky emotions weren't involved. How complicated things where made by them? No, emotions just got in the way. If you didn't feel..you couldn't hurt. If you couldn't hurt then you couldn't cry. If you didn't cry, then people wouldn't ask you those stupid pesky questions.

What's wrong Buffy?

Do you want to talk about it Buffy?

Why do you hurt Buffy?

Don't you think that maybe you should talk to a consoler Buffy?

No, no, no, no! Buffy doesn't want to talk about it, Buffy doesn't want to feel, and Buffy sure as hell doesn't want to talk to a goddamn consoler. Stem word, console, meaning soothe. Bullshit. They didn't give a rats ass what you felt. They just didn't want big heavy law suits on their shiny, sqeeky clean shoulders.

'Yes your honor. Johnnie committed sucicide because...because...' The woman tried to gain her composure, in which really, everyone already knew she never had. 'Because he couldn't stand the burden of Mr.Snyders beedy eyes...or those algebra equations...someone should have helped him..don't you have consolers on campus?'

That way, they can atleast say they tried to help. They can stand there, with their dustless shoulder pads in place, arms hung loose, one hand holding the other.

'There was just nothing more we could do your honor. We tried to help him..'

In short, Buffy hated all staff that worked 'on board' Sunnydale Highschool. Yes, that 'on board' thing was a saying of a former principal Mr. Flutie, who had finnally been laughed out of his job. By students? No, but had there been any, it would most definatly have been Buffy. That guy was too nice..it gave her the whiggans. Besides, Buffy's problems really had nothing to do with homework, and she was sure that she'd live to tell the tale of “A Detention for Naughty Words of the Snyder.”
Ooooh. A call home. What's that gonna do? Already tried that.

Buffy your grounded, your not to use your phone, your not to come out of your room, your not to go out with your friends. That's okay mom. I have a window. I'll use it whether I'm under house arrest or not. Remember my secrets? Well I like to keep them.

Xander turned back to Spike, and crossed his arms.

“Well, I'll give you three wild guesses....” Xander waved him arm in mock enthusiasm. “Oh and hell, a stab in the dark too. Wouldn't be fair without onna those.” He said. Spike leaned over to see what he was talking about. He straightened up, and spit out yet another mouthful of blood.

“Look,” He closed in distance between him and Xander. “All I know? Is if you punch me again, we're going to have a problem.” His eyes concentrated on Xander, just like his voice had. Spike cocked his head to the side and backed away. “Good day.” With that, he was off.

'And the Oscar Award Winner Is......'

Spike should have definatly won himself a shiney new medal equipped with a gold star for that one. How could he act so, when his heart wrenched for her? It was a wonder how he kept from staring. Well, not really. Xander punching him in the face sort of served as distraction. The taste of his own blood? Now that was fun. Bloody ponce.

But enough about that sappy bastard. More about that beloved blonde girl. Oh, how she called to anyone who could help her. He knew she didn't want to be alone, was afraid of it somehow. But didn't know how to get over that hurdle of saying so, he supposed.

“Buffy are you alright?” Willow whispered quietly, tucking stray hair behind her ear. Buffy looked behind Willow's shoulder. She nodded.

“I'm going home Wil. Can you get my homework for me please? Tell the teachers-” She ruefully smiled and shook head. Looking down momentarily she walked away from Willow, and off the grounds of Sunny Dale High. Boy would Snyder have a fit if he saw her now, walkin off his school property. Good god, who cares?

When Buffy got home, her mom's vehicle was in the drive. Right, it was Friday. She got home early, way early from the gallery. Well, window it is. It didn't phaze Buffy. Her and the window were great buddies now. Had to be. It was her way in and out.

Her hands shook as she climbed the tree, and her legs wouldn't stay steady. Her foot slipped going half way up the tree and she landed on her right arm. Buffy winced when she heard a small, soft crack. That didn't sound good. Probably wouldn't feel good either. Hope it wasn't broken, mother couldn't afford the big bad hospital bill.

Buffy got up again and found she couldn't move her arm without great pain. It took her about a half an hour before she crawled, miraculously, soundless into her bedroom window.

“God damn it..” Buffy growled fiercly under her breath as she moved her arm slightly to take off her coat. Her hands were shaking terribly now, but her eyes showed no expression. She showed no expression.

Do you know what happens kiddies, to those who express emotion? They get questions. Questions, they pester you for, because they know, they just know 'something isn't right.' But no, everythings fine. Just normal. This is what normal is now. If you don't like, don't ask questions.

One sleeve off. Buffy figured that the hardest one should be done first. Get on with the pain and all. The easiest should be done last. Taking off her coat, and revealing her arms you would see wonderfully painted razor wounds. Painted, no not with ink, but crimson. 'Cut it out' has a new meaning now, doesn't it? She tried to. It still seethed within her.

Whats with the leather coats and long sleeved shirts in Cali Buffy? Aren't you hot? Don't you feel the heat? No, because that would have been a blessing. She didn't feel anything anymore.

At about three thirty or so she decided she should probably sneak back out her window. She had no idea what she'd tell her mother about her arm...or how it happend. But she figured she should probably get it checked out. So, it was with great perserverance, Buffy finnally got back down and walked in through the front door. As soon as the door opened, her mother jumped up from the couch. Worry was evident on her face. Fuck.

“Buffy where have you been?” Her mother asked. “Your school called. You weren't in you last two classes.” Joyce exclaimed.

“Well obviously *not* at school.” She shrugged. Immediatly she regretted it, waves of pain ripped through her arm. Buffy tried not to wince, but it didn't work. Oh. And her mother noticed right away. Perfect.

“Buffy don't do this. Tell me where you were.” Joyce stepped forward. “And what happend to your arm?” She asked, her voice softend by worry.

Huh. Well this was new. Mummy dearest suddenly cares now? She couldn't remember her mother caring when she came home with a limp and a large purple hand print on her throat. I guess she can only care when it counts. How odd. Well this certainly didn't count, she wasn't in any danger this time. Nice try Lassie...

“Nothing. Nothing happend to my arm.” She made for the stairs but her mother stepped in her way.

“Your not going up there!” She said. Buffy cocked her head.

“No?” She side-stepped her mother and walked up them anyway. Joyce winced as her door slammed shut. A few pictures fell off the walls and shattered.

Buffy laid on her bed, being mindful of her arm. There was a sort rap on the door. Buffy rolled onto her side and rolled her eyes.

“Good God..” She whispered under her breath. “What?!” She shouted, exasperated.

“Buffy,” Joyce opened the door. She moved her mouth to speak.

“Your grounded, no phone, no friends, house arrest.” Buffy waved her hand in the air as she spoke. “Right? Well if that's all you had to say then-” She waved her hand in a dismission.

“it's not broken mom. I'll go to the school nurse on monday. Not a big deal. If it were broken I would be bawling right now.” Buffy said. Joyce went to speak but Buffy cut her off.

“Mom. Seriously.” Buffy's voice softened, along with her eyes. “I'll be okay. I just need rest.” Joyce was seemingly convince and with resignation, left the room.

Only Buffy wasn't softend. Her eyes weren't. Her mother was just so stupid though. So non-perceptive. Jesus. How much stupidity could be packed away into one single person?
*********

“Ouch! Willow be careful!” Buffy winced as Willow slowly moved Buffy's arm around. Rotating it, bending and unbending it, moving it gently this way and that.

Buffy sat beside Willow on her bed. She'd snuck out of her bedroom around 10:30 when Buffy knew her mother would be asleep.

“Well, it doesn't appear to be broken...but I'd still talk to the school nurse on monday. Let her check it out. Just keep it still.” Willow said. “What are you doing tonight?”

Buffy looked around. She opened her mouth to speak but only air, in which moved her lips came out.

“Nothing.” Buffy answered shrugging. Willow fiddled with a loose thread on her bed spread. She seemed suddenly enthralled by it.

“S-so your not going to..to be with um..Ffaa..”

“Ith.” Buffy finished for her. She shook her head. “No. I'm not hangin with Faith until sometime next week. Why?” She asked. Willow shrugged.

“I dunno. I was just wondering.”

“Hey do you still have that huge crush on Xander?” Buffy asked. Willow looked up at her.

“Y-yeah...how come?” Buffy shrugged.

“I dunno. Don't you think that new red head is hot? Bizz...Fizzy...Fozzy Ozzie...”

“Oz.” Willow stopped her. Buffy smiled.

“So you know who I'm talkin about then? Hey mind if I smoke in here?” Buffy asked. Willow rolled her eyes.

“Air Freshener's over there....open a window. My parents should be sleeping.” Willow shook her head with a raise eye brow of dissaproval at her friend. Which, Buffy didn't seem to notice.

“So. You knew his name.” Buffy stated as she opened the window, and sat down beneath it and lit her cigarette. Willow looked away. Buffy smiled and rolled her eyes.

“C'mon Wils, never could hide a blush from me. So what are we thinking? Hottie potential?” Buffy winked. Willow shook her head vehementally, still not looking at Buffy.

“N-no. H-he.....I..” She looked down at her hands. Buffy's smile faded and she stood abruptly.

“Did he do something to you?” She all but shouted. Willow opened her mouth to speak. Worry widened her eyes and she shook her head slightly, not being able to get anything out.

“He did didn't he? I'll kill him Willow! I'll-”

“N-no!” Willow stood. “No. He didn't do anything.” She walked over to Buffy. “I was only going to say that I still liked Xander. I've only talked to him a couple times and that was for Chemistry notes.” Buffy felt slightly embarrased at her out burst.

But wouldn't you? Out burst? Of course. If you weren't anything like Buffy you would, that is. She rarely out bursts, rarely talks about feelings. But that's what happens. You learn to not like questions.

She sat back down.

“I-I'm sorry. I..maybe I should-”

“No. No, Buffy you can stay if you want to. Y-you don't have to go home.” Willow offered. Buffy nodded.

“Are you sure Wils? I mean-”

“I'm not busy. That's what friends are for.” Willow nodded once, and crossed her arms. Buffy smiled. Willow was so adorable. Couldn't understand why Xander didn't notice her. Maybe if she acted like she was troubled, maybe then Xander would try to be her hero. Could be what Willow needed, a hero. But not Buffy. She didn't want a hero. Didn't need one. She could save her self, as soon as she learned how.
**************
A/N: Hey guys! I'm sorry it took so long....I think I know where I want to go with this story. It's defintaly going to be darker then anything I've every written before in my life....as you'll soon see. I hope it doens't scare you off...it's going to get pretty ugly...with the flash backs and such. I hope you all enjoy!





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