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Author's Chapter Notes:
Warning: Deals with self inflicted cutting
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Pain- without Love
Pain- I can't get enough
Pain- I like it rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

"Did you love her?"

Spike looked over at Rose. She sat on the floor, her back against the hallway wall, one leg bent in the air while the other laid straight out in front of her. She stared dully at the wall in front of her, her hair falling over half her face. Her arms hung limp across her lap. Scattered wood and glass laid about them, splintered from a fight long ago. They were in a room, in Angel's hotel called the Hyperion.

"Love who kitten?" Spike asked as he walked towards her, a glass of blood in his hands.

"The girl. The one so bright--it's blinding and hot. The not Drusilla one."

"Yeah."

"Did she love you? Did she cry and mourn you?"

Spike paused. Did Buffy mourn for him? Did she cry? He shook his head. No, she couldn't have cried for him. He was just a vampire after all.

"I don't think so luv." He knelt down besides her, holding out the glass for her. She looked at it and turned away. "Rose, you need to eat."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do." Spike said, moving over to shove the glass under her nose. "You're wasting away--"

"Good." Rose said flatly, turning her face away from Spike and the foul swill he was trying to force her to drink.

Spike cursed before he grabbed her chin and pulled her jaw down so he could pour some of the blood down her throat. She struggled and choked before she slapped the glass away, shattering it against the wall, the blood dripping down the wall and to the floor as she turned on him. She punched him across the jaw, jumping onto him when he fell backwards and continued to pound his face before he threw her off. She rolled out into the messy, debris-covered living room, laying on the floor facedown as Spike stalked towards her.

She didn't put up a fight when Spike picked her up by the arms and pushed her up against the wall so her feet were barely touching the ground. He slapped her for good measure, her left cheek stinging red and tears filling her eyes even though they didn't fall as she stared at him unseeing.

"God damnit Rose stop this!! Don't give up just because he's gone!!" he growled, his eyes flashed golden. "I know what it's like, to feel as if your whole world is gone, to lose the most important person in your life. Its despair, wrenching and terrible, clawing away at you from the inside. It's in your throat, your chest and your stomach. It eats away at you until you're nothing but pain and guilt."

He let go of her, watching as she slowly slid down the wall. She shook her head, "Nooo---"

"Yes, it is." Spike kneeled down, holding her face in his hands gently. His eyes, holding such understanding and caring, locked onto dead ones.

"No." Rose said, pulling her hands up to his, intertwining their fingers. "I--feel---nothing---” Tears slipped from her eyes and down her face. "Gods, I wish I could feel that despair. That guilt. That pain. But I feel nothing. It's like there's nothing here." She wrapped her arms around him, her head buried against his neck, her cool breath tickling his neck as she spoke. "Cris is my whole world. My life, my love---I've been with him for decades, living and sharing, taking and giving a-and I feel---nothing now that he's gone. Why? Why can't I feel anything for him William?"

Spike held her tightly, rocking with her as she sobbed into his shirt, her fingers digging into his shoulder. Now that she got what was bothering her out, she could heal. Oh there was still a long way to go, a lot more tears, more rage and fights but there will be healing as well. The wound she received from losing Cris would never fully heal but at least, he could help her learn how to live with the pain. It was the best he could offer her.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand, and show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me, and take my hand when the lights go out, you'll understand

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Rose stood in the bathroom, freshly shower and clean from the tears and dust and blood, staring into the mirror and seeing nothing but the wall behind her. Vampires don't have a reflection and as she stared into the nothingness that is her, she understood why. She was nothing...nothing without her Cris, her husband and lover and best friend. The best thing that ever happened to her after being turned.

Her heart was still, unbeating as it has been for the last hundred so years since Angelus turned her. She felt it slow as he drained her and when she awoke the next night as a vampire, felt nothing from it even when Angelus started playing his sick twisted games with her and Spike. When he used their love for each other and used it against them, to make them resent each other as well make their bond stronger.

So when they, to save their own skin, abandoned her, she thought that nothing could heal the betrayal. But when she was with Cris, she felt her heart throb with joy and love and lust but it ached with pain and anger as well. They weren't perfect but who was? They fought like bitter rivals but more than made up for it when they forgave each other. He was The One.

She put her hand over her heart, her nails digging into her skin. She wanted to tear it out, to reach inside her chest, wrap her fingers around the dried up piece of meat and pull it out, to get rid of that emptiness and to feel something...even if it were pain.

She growled and pulled back her fist and smashed it in the mirror, shattering the glass into the sink. She didn't stop there, she reached for the shards and brought a jagged piece to her arm and ran the sharp edge up her arm, drawing deep red blood that spilled onto the floor. She switched hands and brought it up to her other arm, a long cut that burned with agony.

She giggled, a sad, pitiful giggled that grew into sobbing as the door busted opened. She turned around to see Spike and Angel standing there with stunned looks on their faces. She held up the broken glass, dripping with her blood and smiled brightly, the tear streaks glistening on her cheeks.

"I'm not empty anymore." she announced as she let the glass drop to the floor. She walked out of the bathroom, turning out the light and pushing pass the two vampires.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Pain- without Love
Pain- I can't get enough
Pain- I like it rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain- without Love
Pain- I can't get enough
Pain- when I get rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

"I don't like this at all Spike." Angel said, pacing in the living room. He limped slightly from a twisted knee but it was well on its way to healing fully. Illyria stood on one side of the room, her restless blue eyes watching him move from one side of the room to the other where Spike stood, bandages in his hands. "She's volatile and dangerous."

"Oh sorry, I think I missed her insane bloodletting there Peaches." Spike said sarcastic as he threw the bandages on the table. "She's missin' her husband. I can take care of her."

"You better. I don't like the fact that there's a pain addicted vampire loose in my city." Angel said, stopping in front of Spike.

Spike felt his hackles rise as he defended his cousin. "She's NOT addicted to pain."

"Did you see her Spike?" Angel asked. "After she cut herself, she was fine. She was talking and clearly understood what was happening around her except she didn't notice her arms or the fact that she was cut herself. On purpose!"

"It could have been an accident." Spike shot back hotly though he was having his doubts. When he was bandaging her cuts, he noticed that they too straight, too deep and too long to be an accident. And besides, broken mirrors didn't cut upward to the elbow. He growled in frustration and looked towards the room where Rose slept peacefully for the first time in days. "Bollocks!"

"The young one is hurting. Deep inside." Illyria said flatly, her ice-cold eyes burning with rage that had yet to be fulfilled. She was taking Wesley's death hard. Over the past few days, instead of taking time to heal, she went out and killed any demon that came across her path. Already the word of a blue woman were striking up fear as it spread. "She's not in control of her world anymore."

"She will hurt others to ease the pain of her own." Illyria tilt her head to the side. "I will kill her before she does so."

She made a step towards the Rose's room only to be stopped by Spike's angry growl. She looked towards him with mild curiosity as he vamped out.

"Don't. Touch. Her." he bit out. Angel stepped between the two of them, holding his hands up.

"Stop it. Now." Angel said. "This isn't helping."

"As you wish." Illyria said. She turned around and headed for the door. "This is pointless. There are demons that need to be killed."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Anger and Agony are better, than Misery
Trust me, I've got a plan when the lights go out, you'll understand

Pain- without Love
Pain- I can't get enough
Pain- I like it rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain- without Love
Pain- I can't get enough
Pain- when I get rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel PAIN!

~*~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Rose sat up in bed, the fighting in the other room having gotten loud enough to wake her up. She put her legs up and wrapped her arms around them as she set her chin down on her knees. She felt the throbbing in her arms and the sharp pains as she stretched the healing muscles. She didn't remember how she got them and she was surprised when Spike started wrapping her arms. She smelled the blood, of course vampire here, but thought it was just his way of trying to force her to eat that disgusting swill he called blood.

She focused on the pain, letting it flow through her and awaking her body. She wasn't blind or stupid, though at time she did have her blonde moments. She cut herself. And that scared her...a lot. She hasn't been this scared since her days as human. It was back in the 1880's after her family's tragic death and didn't know what was going to happen to her. Before she was welcomed into William's and Lady Anne's home, where they told her that they were family, her family though distant.

She thought that she would always be with them. But then the Aurlieus came. Her loveable, shy cousin became William the Bloody, the vampire. Lady Anne disappeared. And she was once again left alone...until a few months later when she did find William and his new family. She was killed and turned.

She became one of the damned. Destined for hell and its fires, beyond any help.

She climbed out of bed. Time to make him see that she couldn't be saved.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

(I know, I know, I know) I know that you're wounded
(You know, you know, you know) That I'm here to save you
(You know, you know, you know) I'm here waiting for you
(I know, I know, I know) That you'll thank me later

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Spike and Angel sat on opposite sides of the room when she entered, drinking from two large bottles of booze. She didn't know what they were thinking, seeing that trying to get drunk clearly wasn't working. She made her way to Angel first, stood over him before bending down to pick up the chair and flipped it over with him in it.

Spike broke out into laughter at watching Angel tumbled backwards, flapping his arms before landing with a grunt. He missed the glare that Rose sent him until she threw a shoe at him, hitting his in the nose.

"OW! Bloody hell Rose!!" he groaned.

"You're an idiot. The both of you!" she screamed at them. "I'm a vampire!! I can't be saved."

Angel climbed to his feet, checking his hair and clothes as Spike stood up to join them. "We've noticed."

"And don't forget it Angelus. You're the cause to all of this!" Rose hissed, turning her blue eyes, bright with anger to him. Angel took a moment to notice that her eyes were the exact same color as Spike's when he got angry...which was all the time.

"I know." Angel said quietly. "But that wasn't me. I'm Angel now."

"The soul changes nothing."

"It changes everything."

Rose scoffed. "Is that why you were running an evil law firm? Why we had to come and save your ass?!" She hit his chest. "Cris is gone because of you!!" She remembered the feel of him in her arms, strong and warm, remembered hearing his gasp of surprise and pain as they looked down to see a large jaggedly pointed tail poking through his stomach. She looked into his eyes, saw his love and sadness and the faint smile on his lips before he was torn away, disappearing into the golden lights before being blinded and waking up in this hotel.

Angel let her beat him before Spike came up from behind her and held her tightly. She struggled weakly as the emptiness she felt rose up in her. Even the pain in her arms couldn't beat it back. It crippled her but didn't stop the pleading in her voice. "I hate this, I hate you but please--just make it stop. Please Sire?"

Angel felt his demon rise up; wanting to ease the pain his childe was feeling. But he wasn't ruled by his demon anymore. "I'm sorry Rose, I can't."

"You bastard. You won't." Rose said tearfully.

"That's right."

"Then kill me." Rose said. "Put a stake through my heart and be done with it."

"No."

"You're cruel. You're worst now than Angelus ever was." Rose screamed at him as he left.

Angel didn't replied as he slammed the door after him, walking down the hall of his hotel, her words troubling him. He was better than Angelus. So he made a couple of mistakes, he was only human after all...okay vampire but he had a soul that that meant something. He could never be human now, because he signed away his Shanshu but he could still do good.

He was deep in thought when he felt something break inside of him, causing his vampire face to come out as his demon rage and lament about the lost of a precious bond. He growled and made his way back to the room where he left Spike and Rose. He threw open the door to see Spike holding an unconscious Rose in his arms, her neck bleeding from twin puncture marks over her Sire marks.

Angelus' marks.

Angel's growl rose in the room and as unbelievably angry he was, Angel managed to spit out. "Spike, what have you done?"

Spike stood there, a shock look on his face as he looked down at Rose before he swallowed and looked up at Angel, ready to face the consequences. "What I had to--to save my cousin."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Pain- without Love
Pain- I can't get enough
Pain- I like it rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain- without Love
Pain- I can't get enough
Pain- when I get rough
Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel PAIN!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

AN: Song is Pain by Three Days Grace





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