Breaking the Habit
Chapter One
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I touched the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? ; my skin should crack and peel! I want the fire back. Buffy Summers gazed into the book that sat in her lap, trying to take her mind off of that cold, confusing night that had ended just hours ago. She sighed softly, running her hands through her hair. She had left Spike there, when he had told her to go in, nothing was the same, as it had been and she hated it.
She closed the book and looked at the clock, the sun would be rising soon, she’d better get some sleep. She folded her arms over her waist and moved slowly up the stairs, checking by Dawn’s room, then moving to her own. She didn’t bother changing, just lay down, clutching the pillow to her cheek. A tear slipped slowly from her as she gazed across the room, this house was so full of the memory of her mother. She still remembered coming home and finding her there, giving her CPR, but it wasn’t enough, she couldn’t save her.
She thought on Spike’s words, how she tormented him. She knew he did love her, she didn’t really deny it, but she denied herself the ability to love. She didn’t feel hate, but she felt pain, and doubt. Most people would be too afraid to die, afraid of what they didn’t know was there, but in truth, she was afraid of living. She didn’t want to be who she used to be, but she didn’t really want to change.
Unable to sleep she stood and left the house, only after locking the doors and making sure the windows were closed. Then she just walked, didn’t think, didn’t wonder, she just felt her legs move and she allowed them to take her to the place she felt she most belonged right now. She looked up, sighed, and pressed inside.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His eyes flew up as she entered, studied her from the darkness of the corner. Sun was leaking in and he hissed, hurried away from the rays. At the sound she quickly shut the door and sighed deeply, silent for what seemed like an eternity, as bloody corny as that sounded. He slowly stood from the floor and gazed upon her exhausted face, and he realized she’d been unable to sleep. As he opened his dry mouth to speak, her words hit him.
“Spike I’m sorry. I know that what I’ve been doing, how I’ve been acting, it’s . . . Well killing you.”
He gazed upon her with wonderment. “So, does this . . . ”
“It doesn’t really change anything. I couldn’t hurt you like that and look like it was on purpose, but . . . ” She paused. “I’m . . . I don’t know anything. I don’t know what love is, or what hate is. It’s like, when they brought me back I was just the empty shell and maybe I am, maybe most of me is still in Heaven but what can I do without my emotions? And what’s more how . . . how do I get them back.”
He licked his cracked lips and replied. “Buffy, I . . . I know this is hard, but maybe, just maybe. If you want to feel your emotions again, you just have to, to try things . . . To let go, you’re so terribly tense, look at you, you’re shivering.”
Her eyes fell momentarily, then she mumbled. “I-I I left my jacket at the Bronze.”
Without a thought he hefted off the red shirt and moved to her, draped it over her shoulders. She was still, then she reached up and clutched the fabric close. “Th-thank you.”
He leaned against the wall, arms crossed, then spoke. “Would it be so painful as to give you me a chance?”
She sobbed. “I haven’t had the best experience with vampires.”
“Believe me love. We aren’t all the same.” He grinned lightly. “We can be crazy, drunks, Saints with a hunger, we can be sweet, two faced, we’re half human, we just get a little beastly.”
She laughed. “And what are you?”
He bit his lip. “Believe it or not, I once was a poet.”
She gazed at him incredulously. “What?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m a softy like a, I believe Cordelia once called Angel a CareBear with fangs, that’s more me than Angel.”
“How did you know she called him that?”
He smiled. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m not out to hurt you Buffy.”
“Love hurts.”
“But it’s kind.” He argued.
She smiled. “I just need time.”
He exhaled deeply. “I know, but one thing before you go into exile.”
She felt her heart give an odd thud. “What?”
“One kiss, that’s all I ask, I swear I won’t make it more.”
She was silent, seemed to gaze at the ground and wade through why this was bad, and good. He moved closer, she read softness in his dark eyes, and when his arms slid around her she felt safe. Slowly she leaned in and touched her lips to his, and he caressed them, the kiss grew deeper and deeper before she backed away. “I should go, and uh, well you should get behind something before you get fried.”
“Huh? Oh right um, bye.”
“Bye.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Morning Buffy.” Dawn yawned as she came into the kitchen, and she jumped as she gazed at her sister. “Jesus, did you even sleep?”
Buffy sighed. “I fell asleep a couple times, but I had nightmares.” She said softly.
“Yeah, I didn’t sleep well.” Dawn agreed.
Buffy sighed. “I called the school. You aren’t going in today. Just get some rest. You had a rough night.”
Dawn nodded. “Ok. You want anything?”
“Naw just go back to bed. I’ll be fine.”
Dawn did and so Buffy groaned and went into the living room, and pitched to the couch, fell asleep almost instantly. She lay there for a way, sleeping dreamlessly, to her great happiness and she didn’t wake until well in the evening, only to find Spike hovering above her.
“Somebody’s taking up my hobbies.”
She jumped up and her eye shot to the clock. “H-h-h-ow long have you been there?”
“Mm, round ten minutes. Sun’s only just gone down.”
She rubbed her eyes then looked at him. “Why’re you here?”
“Figured I should check on you. Made sure you got your rest and didn’t end up killing yourself.”
“I don’t know wether to puke or smile.”
He cocked his head. “Oh?”
“I’ve been sleeping on my stomach twelve hours. It’s probably just wound up. Anything going on?”
“Just the usual vamps that come out when you aren’t there, most are afraid to leave the cemetery by now.”
She rolled her eyes. “I guess I better go on patrol. Where’s Dawn?”
“Upstairs watching Willow and Tara make her book float, or something of the sort. I’ll come with.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Buffy rolled her eyes as Dawn’s CD player began to blast a Linkin Park song, she dropped to the bed and lay there thinking when suddenly she caught the words, and so she became attentive as Chester Bennignton’s haunting voice floated through the wall.
Memories consume;
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not all right
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than any time before
I had no options left again
I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be all right
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight
I’ll paint it on the walls
‘Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be all right
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight
Moved a smile crept over her tear wet face as the song ended. Though it wasn’t completely how she felt it explained a lot, it fit her well. She sat up and wiped away the tears. She didn’t have a cure to clutch, she didn’t know what that could be. Maybe Dawn and Spike were right, maybe, and her cure to life was life itself, living it. Maybe time will heal this.
She chuckled. She sounded like a goddamn philosopher. It annoyed her yet pleased her in the way, at least she knew that she wasn’t a typical blonde and that death hadn’t stolen any of her brainpower. She left her room and went to his sister’s door and knocked. The sound of the fifteen-year-old turning off the CD player, then moving to the door played through her attention and she was so caught up in thought that she didn’t even notice when Dawn opened the door.
“Buffy!” She looked up from the floor, tightening her arms embrace around herself. “What’s up?”
“Um,” She gained her composure. “Sorry, what song was that?”
“Oh, uh Linkin Park, Breaking the Habit.”
“Think you could have someone burn it for me?”
“You hate Linkin Park.”
“Yeah, but I really liked that song. Please?”
Dawn grinned. “Wow. You are acting funny. All right, all right. Now get lost. I’m trying to do my math homework.”
“Sure you are.” Buffy grinned as she walked away, she called back. “We all do our math homework to alternative rock music.”
“Shut up.” Dawn groaned. Buffy heard her close the door and smiled, in the best mood she’d been in for a while. She made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen to see the sun was setting. She sighed and grabbed her sweater, then left a note for Willow and Tara. She wanted to make a stop before she started her watch.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boo. You suck! Erm, I at least hope nor, this is really lame, but I tried.
[Reviews - 7]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 4264 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +