"And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to"
The worst part of the spell, Buffy thought, wasn’t that Willow had once again been playing with forces she obviously didn’t understand, but rather that Willow had made her happy – artificially. There were no roses, nor cards, nor apologies, nor any of the other multitude of ways that could have begun to make the slayer happy – instead there was just the quick fix, and the disastrous results of the outcome. She had been so blissfully unaware of her celestial tenure and subsequent fall to dismal reality. Once the spell was over, every feeling and every emotion of being ripped from perfection was opened anew and she was left to blindly gasp for anything that might cause even the briefest reprieve. She knew she needed to create her own Heaven, here, on earth, but how?
Feeling a tingling that started at the base of her neck and slowly spread warmth to the rest of her cold, desolate body, she turned, knowing that she would find him at her side. She never understood why it was that he was the only vampire she could identify by feeling alone. She never knew when Angel was around – only Spike – always Spike. Even when he was *evil* she knew when he was there. When she was crawling around the air shaft in the high school during parent-teacher night, there was some inexplicable force pulling her toward his general direction. At the time she thought it was just because he was a master vampire, the only master she’d ever felt aside from fruit-punch mouth and Angel, however, she soon realized that this was not the case. He was always there, on the periphery of her consciousness.
Even during Ethan’s spell, after she’d run from Angel’s demonic countenance, she felt drawn to the alleyway where she was assaulted by the pirate. Even though she was running from a demon, no self-respecting woman of nobility would have sought shelter in an alleyway - that alleyway. She knew, on some level, she knew he was there and that he would keep her safe. And even though he talked a big game that night, in hindsight, she really didn’t think that he would have killed her. Hurt her, yes, roughed her up a bit, but not kill. There would have been no glory in that – for either of them.
As she turned to face him, she caught herself staring into his eyes, as she wondered about the past, and forced herself to look away; fearful he would see the truth he always found by looking at her – looking in her. He always saw too much. She heard him huff, knew that he would be gritting his jaw to keep him from saying something they both would regret, saw him in her mind’s eye as he quirked his head tightly to stave off frustration, and despondently left her to sulk in peace. After all, that was what she wanted…
Quickly spinning off her barstool she searched out the peroxide beacon that he dared to call hair and ran after him, pulling him to a stop, placing her back to the stairs as he stepped into her personal space. She just stood there, searching for…something in his eyes. Before she even looked though, she knew what she would find: love and understanding. And the latter was always what confused her. How could he understand? How could a dead, supposedly soulless creature understand the pain of being torn out of Heaven? Yet he did. He understood she was finished. He knew, so she took a deep breath and kissed him. Finding Heaven in his taste.
***
He saw her from afar, gazing at the nothingness that swarmed before her vision, wishing that she would let him take away some of her pain, make it better…somehow. He knew he couldn’t fix it, but he wouldn’t bloody ignore it and ‘make with the happy’ like the rest of her egotistical fools for friends. Would beat them to a pulp if he knew he wouldn’t have to hear her bitch about it later. Didn’t understand why she stayed on with that lot. By God, if she would just let him take care of her and the bit, the three of the them could ride off into the sunset and all that rot – just like the white hats do in those damn fantasies of hers.
And that sodden wanker who had the fuckin’ balls to call himself her watcher, her damn *father* figure, goes and runs out on her. Should bloody never do that, but ‘specially after the poor girl had just song her little heart out about having been ripped from her final rest. About to dance till she burned, had it not been for him. Were those ungrateful sods just going to let it happen? What if he hadn’t been there. Hadn’t gotten there in time…like the last ti…No he wasn’t going down that road again. He’d just go up to her and hope that she’d let him offer her a bit of cold comfort. Misery loves company and all that.
As he approached her, he waited for her to turn around once she felt him. Silly chit always could feel him, could never sneak up on her, all-vampire like. Must be some sort of slayer thing, or well a Buffy-thing, she could always find him, but bugger-all if she didn’t have issues feeling out the others. Practically obliviously she was. He was half surprised she hadn’t gotten herself killed…well…er, yeah.
He remembered the time they and Peaches had fought off his old minions. The way they had fought together – perfection. It always surprised him that when she began throwing Holy Water she actually told him to duck first. Bit more carin’ than he wagered a slayer out to be about a master vamp – its not like he wouldn’t have gotten the message to duck after his skin started sizzlin’. Maybe she was savin’ the coat – always caught her eyeing it.
There were those times too, just after her Mum had died, when he used to sit in the tree outside her window and watched her sleep, keeping an eye on her dreams, so she could face the day. She knew he was there too. Would see her tense up, hear her heart beat shoot through the bleeding roof, then she would quiet, turn away from him and fall almost immediately asleep. He would watch her the whole night, only leaving with the rising sun, but as he left, he would hear her stir as she felt his signature get further from the house. Bet, she would probably stake him good and proper now days though if she caught him lurkin’.
As he contemplated how long it would take for her to acknowledge his presence, those pretty eyes deigned to look on him, watery, barely holding in all the tears, looking like beautiful pools of jade, and he was lost again. He thought, maybe, just maybe, she’d let him be there for her – just this once. He saw how she looked into him, trying to find…something, or perhaps, trying to ignore something else in his eyes.
Turned back around quite abruptly she did, must not have liked what she saw. Again. Bloody bint was goin’ drive him battier than Dru, with her on and off again signals. Granted, they were usually off rather than on. Or…well…always off…but that was beside the point. Still yankin’ his chain wasn’t she!?
He spun around, knowing she would understand why he was leaving, so as to not say something stupid, as usual. And just as he knew she understood, he also knew that she didn’t even think about turning her head to watch him leave. Already seen one back turn on her today, didn’t need to watch another.
He was half way out the door, determined to take a round-about way back to his crypt – like through England so he could wring the watcher’s bloody neck – when he felt the gentle heat of her hand on his arm, pulling him closer to the stairwell. He rose his brow in stereotypical question, silently asking her to tell him what he should or could do. She seemed to find an answer in his eyes, a different answer than the one by the bar. She opened her mouth, to speak he assumed, and then nearly felt his heart start beating when she kissed him. While his metaphorical heart beat sped up, his physical heart broke as this kiss was not what he wanted it to be. It was an escape, one he would happily give her, but knew that it would never end well. This wasn’t how They should begin. They could only end this way. But bugger if he’d stop her right now. Creature of Heaven she was indeed.
***
Gasping for air and desperately clutching at the only person who could give her a brief respite from the worries of the world, she looked up and noticed their surroundings. They were very much in the middle of the Bronze, where her friends were known to frequent and could walk in at…any…second. Tearing out of his comforting arms she ran from the Bronze and embraced the crisp chill that had descended on the night. Her chest was burning, no constricting, and she couldn’t breathe. Feeling lightheaded, she took off for home.
***
Walking back to the bar, flashing some fang, and brazenly stealing some bourbon, he stormed out of the Bronze, catching the lingering scent of her in the alleyway, in the direction of home. He resolutely turned in the opposite direction, took a swig of alcohol, and stormed out, full swagger, confident in the knowledge that she was safe and not stupid enough to patrol on an emotional night like this. Otherwise he would have followed her…just to annoy her, of course.
***
She splashed more water on her face, cleaning off the rest of her makeup and the day’s anguish. Looking at herself in the mirror, she was saddened to see Buffy and not Joan staring back at her. Sighing, she put on her yummy sushi pajamas and crawled into bed, wishing for Spike, hoping that he would sit in the tree like he had after her mother had died. But he didn’t. Never did anymore. She always wondered what she did wrong to make him stop his nightly visits.
Joan was so happy, so content with her new-found abilities. A freedom and joy that she had not felt since before Merrick disclosed her destiny. But the strangest part, was that she felt the most content, when she was with Randy. It was nice not feeling the resentment toward the others, not knowing that Giles was going to leaver her, but nothing compared to her interaction with Randy. He just made her feel safe and connected…to…the world? She didn’t know. She just knew that she felt different with him than she did with any of the others.
Sitting astride him before Shark had shown up caused both an insane amount of lust and an extreme sense of bemused entertainment as he tried to puzzle out his ‘nobleness.’ Despite that, she felt free. So perfectly free and surprisingly warm. God how she felt warm. The first time she felt anything other than cold since her return from the grave. It was like they left all of her inner spark and well, life, beneath the ground. But she felt it again today and it was undeniably tied to that man-pire.
Not even realizing what she was doing, she gather up her coat from earlier, put on a pair of slippers, and out of habit, shimmied out the window and down the tree, her feet taking her on autopilot to Restfield.
***
Having drank all the bourbon and being disappointingly out of any other sort of booze, Spike resigned himself to going to sleep with only the beginnings of a buzz rather than the unconscious oblivion he was so fond of, and quite frankly familiar with, since his love for the slayer began. Closing his eyes, trying not to think about how desolate his girl was tonight, he thought he’d tricked himself into smelling her delicate scent. Cracking his eye open to check the complete unlikelihood of her being there, he nearly shot out of bed when he saw her standing at the foot of it, biting her bottom lip in that desirable way she didn’t even know about, gazing at the bedding, and slightly running her fingers over the footboard.
***
“Something you need pet?” he asked with a leer and bravado that would hopefully prevent him from having his heart broken once more that night.
“Don’t speak” she responded quickly, quietly.
“Don’t speak she says” he repeated mockingly only to trail off from the rest of his rant, as he caught the pleading look in her eye. So he shut his trap, waiting to see what she was going to do next.
She calmly took off her coat, making him notice for the first time that she looked ready for bed, in her jammies and freshly scrubbed face. She folded her jacket over the back of the chair he randomly had, took off her slippers and tucked them underneath, walked lightly over the cold crypt floor, and slipped into bed beside him. She had either not noticed or not cared about his sleeping…um…attire. Scooting closer she tucked her head beneath his chin, laid her hand on his chest, over his heart, and threw her left leg over his. Snuggling deep into her vampire, she drifted off to sleep.
The rather bewildered vampire in question, gave himself a mental shoulder-shrug, pulled his quilt up closer around her to protect her from both the chill of the crypt and his lack of body heat, cuddled her even closer than before, and fell into the most peaceful sleep of his existence.
***
A few hours later, the predator in both caused them to wake, and Buffy smiled when she realized that they were in the same position as before, neither feeling the need to adjust throughout the night, er, day.
When she saw that he was about to ask what was going on, she brought her finger to his lips. Groggy with sleep she said “Can—can we rest now? Spike...can we rest?” Stopping him from speaking once again, she whispered “I only feel safe with you. Only in you do I find Heaven again. Will you let me find Heaven with you?” Looking for all the world like his rejection would kill whatever spark was left within her, eyes brimming with tears, he nodded slowly, tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear. “Yes Buffy, luv, yes we can rest now.”
After her sigh of relief and one fleeting smile, she tucked her head back under his chin and fell asleep, listening to his voice gently rumble…
“And she shall look on him with forgiveness, and everybody will forgive and love. He will be loved…and so shall she let herself be loved.”
The End.
Author's Chapter Notes:
DISCLAIMER: I don’t make any money from this, just like making the Spuffy world a little nicer. Any quotes taken from the show are with the understanding of the readers, that they are used to assign a point of reference or are an attempt to keep canon. No plagiarism is meant.
Lyrics courtesy of Michelle Branch.
Hope you guys enjoy it. Let me know!! Thanks for reading.
Lyrics courtesy of Michelle Branch.
Hope you guys enjoy it. Let me know!! Thanks for reading.