Absence.
She found the note four nights ago. It was all that was left in the crypt. No T.V. No chair. No bed. Nothing but a stark, white piece of paper lying in the middle of the floor.
Folded in half, her name written in black on the front.
Buffys heart dropped at the sight of it, knowing it wasn’t good news. It dropped even further as she read the few lines written on the page.
"Time cast a spell on you that you won’t forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me…
I’ll follow you down ‘til the sound of my voice will haunt you
You’ll never get away from the sound of the one that loves you."
There were dried tears on the page. No signature, nothing to let the reader know whom it was from. But she didn’t need that. She knew whom it was from. Besides being in His crypt and in his handwriting, no one else loved her. Really LOVED her…
And she lost it. All the walls holding her emotions back cracked and broke open. Her knees buckled and she crashed to the floor of the crypt and wept. Horrible, gut-wrenching sobs assailed her whole being. She wept for the loss of Heaven. She wept for the loss of her Mother. Most of all, she wept for the loss of Him. The one who wasn’t supposed to leave. The rock she could always set her back to and take on all comers. Her port in any storm, her shelter from the rain.
‘It’s true,’ she thought, ‘you really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.’
Gone. Such a horrible idea. How could He be gone? When everyone else left, He was supposed to stay, so how could He be gone?
‘Well, that’s easy to answer,’ she told herself, ‘YOU drove him away! All he wanted was to love you and you wouldn’t accept that.’
So she wept. Sobbed until there was nothing left. ‘Til her eyes were red and aching. Until her whole body hurt.
And she finally dragged herself to her feet, staggered to the door of the crypt. She took one last look at the crypt and headed home.
Home.
Just another place to cry.
She’d never realized how much she needed his presence just outside the house, standing silent vigil under his tree, until it wasn’t there anymore. That little tingle at the back of her neck that said he was watching over her. Standing guard in the night to keep the horrors of her dreams away.
The dreams came and no one was there to comfort her. To tell her it was just a nightmare. To hold her and tell her it was all right.
Because it wasn’t all right, and it never would be again until Spike was back with her, in her arms. If he came back, he would get his crumbs and the all the rest of the cake too.
She knew now. Without a doubt. She needed him with her. In her life, in her bed, in her heart.
She needed Spike, and he wasn’t there. Might never be there again. That was the most terrifying thought Buffy had ever had. Vampires, Demons, Hell Gods she could handle. No Spike ever again? That was not something she could deal with.
So she didn’t.
For four days and four nights Buffy stayed in her room. Only leaving to go to the bathroom.
Four days and four nights curled up on her bed, weeping and pleading with Mr. Gordo to make it better, to bring Spike back to her. Praying for the chance to make it work with him…
He’d made it as far as LA.
Four days ago he’d left the only life he wanted to live. The only place he wanted to be. Because it was slowly killing him to be with her and not really with her.
Dying a little each day was no way to live, and was a cruel way to die.
He’d left her a note and that was all. Taken all of his possessions and left. Left the only worthwhile part of himself there and taken the rest.
He should have taken a copy of the note for himself too. Part of it worked for him as well…
"Time cast a spell on you that you won’t forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me…
I’ll follow you down ‘til the sound of my voice will haunt you"
Because she would haunt him. For the rest of his days. All others would be compared to her and would always be found lacking. Because they weren’t her. No one could ever take her place, and he probably wouldn’t even try to fill the hole he felt inside without her.
He could do whatever he wanted now, except what he wanted. Because going back to her ridicule and disgust would destroy him, slowly but surely. Again that was no way to live and no way to die.
So he’d made it to LA but could not make himself go any further. Warring with himself over making the proverbial clean break and the worry over what she would do without him.
‘Who’ll stand guard over her in the night,’ he questioned, ‘when the nightmares of waking up and clawing herself out of the coffin come for her?’
She still had the Scoobies to support her, fat lot of good they could do when they didn’t even know she still had those dreams. He’d always made it up to her window before the full panic could set in when she had those dreams. Whispering soothing nothings to her from the roof without even entering her supposed sanctuary. She calmed almost immediately most times without even waking; just a whispered “Spike…” to let him know she knew it was him keeping her safe.
She could need him, trust him, in her dreams, but never during her waking hours.
So he’d left. Packed all his worldly possessions and headed for the wide world. He’d have made it too, if not for that song on the radio when he’d been flipping the Sex Pistols tape in the tape deck. Stupid signs. Stupid songs. Stupid loves bitch…
"Loving you isn’t the right thing to do
How can I ever change things that I feel?"
Two lines. Seventeen words. Little bit of guitar. Who cared about the rest of the song? Those two lines made all the difference. Made him turn the wheel and make a beeline for Sunnyhell.
Cause living without her was worse than trying to live with her…
Buffy had just returned from the bathroom when she felt it. The tingles at the back of her neck that told her that a vampire was near. Her “Spidey Sense” as Xander called it. But they weren’t just any tingles. They were His. Spike was near, and she’d never felt anything so good in all her life.
She rushed to the window to look down at his tree and almost knocked him off the roof as she stuck her head out the window.
Spike could smell the tears and desperation coming from her bedroom as he gazed through the window. She wasn’t in the room, but her scent wafted heavy in the air. He saw her come in and race towards the window, but was too stunned to move as she moved towards him.
“Spike!” she cried, grasping his arm to keep him from falling off the roof.
“Buffy,” he whispered, a prayer to any who would listen.
She pulled him to her through the window, hugging him tight.
“Please, Please, Please don’t leave me, Please!” she sobbed “ I need you, please, please, please”
“Luv, I was only gone four days,” he said.
“But it was the longest, most horrible four days of my life,” she replied. “Please stay with me, I’ll let you love me if you can let me love you.”
His eyes shined with tears of joy as he leaned down to claim her lips, “As you wish my Love, as you wish…”
End
Author's Chapter Notes:
Inspired by the Fleetwood Mac Song "Silver Spring" Lyrics used from Fleetwood Mac, characters belong to Joss an ME
Chapter End Notes:
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