Spike Giles once again found himself at the local bar, drowning his sorrows. It was a painful day, and the Tequila would surely make him forget, at least for a little while. It wasn’t long before she joined him; she always did when he felt miserable. After all, it was the bar they met in, where his life was changed forever.
“Why am I not surprised to find you here? You have to stop this, Spike. It isn’t healthy.”
He glanced up at the gorgeous blonde next to him, giving her a sad smile. “What’s the point anymore?”
She took his hand in hers. “Come on, let’s get you home. We can talk.”
Spike stared at his savior, nodding as he let her lead him out of the bar.
* * * * *
“Bloody stupid bitch. Think you can leave me, do you?” Spike claimed, throwing back another shot. “I’ll show you.”
“Let me guess, someone did you wrong. Am I right?”
He turned to the newcomer that decided to grace him with her presence, not exactly in the mood for company. “What gave it away?”
She shrugged. “A ton of alcohol, the cursing, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you got dumped.”
Spike glared at her. “Oh, well, aren’t you bloody smart? Figure that out all by yourself, did you? Look, you irritating bint, I’m not in the mood right now. If you’re looking to pick a bloke up for a night of fun, I’m not your man. Go hit on someone else.”
She laughed, holding her hands up in surrender. “Hey, buddy, you just looked like you needed a friend. That’s all it was, but if I’m bothering you, I’ll just go.”
He stopped her from getting up, seeing the sincerity in her eyes. “Sorry, it’s just been a bad week. I’m Spike, what’s your name?”
She graced him with a genuine smile now. “Buffy Summers, it’s nice to meet you.”
* * * * *
Buffy gave a low whistle once they finally reached his apartment.
“I like what you’ve neglected to do with the place. You can hardly even see the floor. Seriously, how can you live like this?”
He sat on the couch, feeling a migraine coming on. “I haven’t much cared for cleanliness lately. Nothing matters anymore.”
She sat down next to him. “I’m worried about you, Spike. Why else would I be here right now? You need help. The constant drinking, blaming yourself for something you had no control over, it all has to stop. You can’t keep blaming yourself for what happened with us, it wasn’t your fault.”
His eyes teared up at her declaration. “Yes, it was, you know that. You left me, Buffy. It all went to hell since that first day we met. I was depressed over Drusilla, and you were just there, my saving grace. I never should have let myself get involved, but I couldn’t stop. I should have just let you walk away.”
Buffy shook her head, feeling tears of her own. “No regrets, okay? I don’t regret going home with you that night, I don’t regret marrying you, things just weren’t meant to be. Nothing either of us did could have changed that, you have to let go. It’s been a year, Spike. I hate seeing you like this. I want you to be happy again.” She got up, looking around his dreary apartment, her eyes landing on his guitar. “You haven’t played in a while. I know how much you miss it, being on stage, all the adoring fans gazing up at you. Do you even talk to the band anymore? They were your best friends.”
“I told you, none of that matters anymore. The only one I ever care to play for is you. Hell, you’re the reason I became famous in the first place. I was fine just playing at the Bronze, but you always knew I was meant for more than that. You never let me give up,” he told her.
“Then why are you giving up now?”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Because you’re not with me. I don’t know how to go on anymore. This last year has been a nightmare. I’m only thirty-two; I don’t know how much more I can take. I miss you, love. I miss you so much. I’m nothing without you.” He was openly crying now, but Spike didn’t care.
Buffy moved back to his side, taking him in her arms. “I’ll always be around, you know that, but it’s time you moved on.”
Spike clutched her tighter at that, shaking his head. “I can’t.” He shut his eyes, thinking back to a happier moment in their lives, a moment where she was completely his and he never would have let her go.
* * * * *
“Love, you’re not gonna believe this. There was a big time record producer at the Bronze tonight, he wants to sign us. He said he was amazed by our sound.”
Buffy smiled, jumping in his arms. “I’m so happy for you, baby. See, all of your dreams are about to come true.”
He pulled away, kissing her lips sweetly. “What are you talking about? They already did when you decided to marry me.”
She slapped him lightly on the chest. “Good answer, that’s definitely going to get you some points tonight.”
Spike grinned and kissed her more passionately, then swooped her up in his arms and carried her off to their bedroom.
* * * * *
“Do you remember when you wrote this song for me?”
Spike smiled sadly, listening to his first big hit that was now playing on the stereo. “How could I forget?”
“I knew then that I would always love you, that I would always be safe and protected.”
He wiped his eyes, turning the song off. “But you weren’t safe, were you? Marrying me was probably your biggest mistake. I hurt you, Buffy. I’ll never stop feeling guilty over what happened. You would still be with me right now if it wasn’t for my selfishness.”
She shook her head. “No, you have to stop blaming yourself. I never did. It was not your fault.”
“Yes, it bloody was!” he yelled. “We were going on tour, and I wanted to perform at the Bronze one last time before we left, the place where it all started for me. More importantly, I wanted you there. I should have listened when you said you didn’t want to go, I never should have talked you in to it. You weren’t feeling well and I should have respected that.”
“Hey, if anyone should be blamed here, it’s me. I knew why I wasn’t feeling well, but I didn’t say anything. I should have been honest with you from the start, but you were just starting out with your music career. You were about to leave on tour for three months, I didn’t know how to tell you that I was pregnant.”
The tears were streaming down his face, and he didn’t care if they ever stopped. “It was all my fault. You thought my career meant anything to me? You thought I wouldn’t have given it up if I knew you were pregnant? I would have given everything up in a heartbeat. You’re the only thing that meant anything to me, Buffy. I’m so sorry for everything, you deserved so much better. I screwed up. God, I’m so sorry.”
Buffy didn’t even know if he was talking to her anymore. His pain was too much, and her being there wasn’t helping. She kneeled down next to him on the floor, where he buried his head in his knees, crying his heart out for something that happened a year ago, something that neither one of them could have ever predicted.
* * * * *
“Come on, baby, I really want you there tonight. This is my big send off before the tour; I need my number one fan.”
Buffy was trying not to smile, but he was making it very hard. “I just don’t think I’m up for it right now, Spike. You don’t really need me.”
He grasped her hands in his, pulling her closer. “I always need you. You’re my good luck charm, have been since the day we met. Only one song, that’s all I ask. If you still want to leave after that, I’ll have Willow bring you home. Please, love?” he pleaded with a pout, knowing she could never resist that.
Buffy rolled her eyes. “You are truly evil. Fine, but only one song.”
He beamed at her, pecking her on the mouth. “You won’t regret it.”
* * * * *
“Are you all right, Buffy? You’ve been pretty quiet. You’re not that mad that I dragged you along, are you?”
She shook her head, taking in a deep breath. “I just have a lot on my mind, but it’s nothing for you to worry about. It can wait until after the concert.”
He was still concerned, gripping her hand in his while keeping the other one on the steering wheel, glancing at her to see that she looked nervous. “You know you can tell me anything, right? No matter what it is, I’ll always be here for you.”
She nodded, gazing into his eyes. “I know.”
That one brief moment turned away from the road was all it took, neither saw the truck coming and when Buffy finally noticed, it was too late.
“Spike, look out!” she yelled.
He jerked the wheel, the truck colliding with their car.
It rolled over twice, then stopped moving, both passengers now upside down.
Spike ached everywhere, but he kept his eyes open, the sirens in the distance the only thing he could hear. His hand was still gripping Buffy’s, but she wasn’t moving. “Buffy, baby, are you okay?” He nudged her, but there were still no signs of life. “Love, please talk to me. Come on, baby, I need you to wake up now. Everything’s going to be okay, they’ll get us out of here.”
The paramedics came, carefully removing Spike from the vehicle, then Buffy right after him. He didn’t know how bad it was until he reached the hospital.
* * * * *
Spike had cuts and bruises all over his body, but didn’t feel anything as one of the nurses wrapped up his ribs. He was told that he would need to remain in the hospital for a few days, his injuries weren’t overly severe, but he wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. He anxiously waited in the hospital room that he was given, taking in a breath when the doctor finally arrived.
“Is my wife okay? They wouldn’t tell me anything.”
The man shook his head. “I’m sorry; we did all that we could. The truck hit on your wife’s side of the car, the impact alone was too damaging. She passed away not too long ago.”
Spike had tears in his eyes, not even realizing that he was crying. “No, she can’t be dead. She was fine, we had plans. She…She promised that she would always be there.”
Dr. Samuels hated this part of his job, and it was about to get worse. “Mr. Giles, were you aware that Buffy was pregnant?”
He shook his head; there was no stopping the tears now. “God, that’s what she wanted to tell me. I should have never made her come. If she stayed home, none of this would have happened. Oh, love, I’m so sorry.”
The doctor placed a comforting hand on Spike’s shoulder. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
* * * * *
After nearly crying himself into exhaustion, Spike awoke to find Buffy gone, but then again, she was never really there. His mouth was dry, and he desperately needed a shower. It was the anniversary of her death, one year since the love of his life was taken away from him. He spent that year constantly drinking, passing out, he hadn’t spoken much to his family or friends since it happened. Spike just cut himself off from the rest of the world after that, but it was about time that changed. His girl would always be a part of his life, but he had to move on. She was right, and what he was doing to himself wasn’t healthy. He didn’t want Buffy to ever be disappointed in him, which was why he found himself at her grave the next day, a place he never let himself visit before. Spike placed the flowers down that he brought, kissing the tip of his finger and tracing her name.
“You’ll always be my number one fan.”
* * * * *
“Man, it is so good to see you. I’m glad you called.”
Spike gave his old band mate a hug, and one of his best friends. “It’s good to be back, Xander. Thanks for doing this; I know it’s a lot to ask…”
The brunet held his hand up, cutting his friend off. “We’re just glad to have you with us again. The band hasn’t been the same without you,” he said, joining the rest of the guys on the Bronze stage.
Spike took a deep breath before following after him, stepping behind the microphone, his guitar in his hands. He glanced out at the audience, smiling when he saw Buffy looking back at him. She blew him a kiss, then vanished before his eyes, leaving Spike to wonder if she was ever really there in the first place, but he knew she was. “Thanks for coming out tonight. It’s been a while; I just hope I’m not rusty.” He gazed up at the ceiling before continuing. “This one’s for you, baby.” Spike started to strum the guitar, the one she got for him all those years ago, grabbing the mic as he began to sing.
In, I'm falling in
I didn't want to
Not so fast, boy
Slow,
Don't wanna hurt the girl
Give her a pretty box
You better feel it
And I get blinded when she opens the door
It's like looking into the sun, you know
And I just blink an' mumble an' stare down at my shoes
And she just looks at me
And smiles
Smiles
Smiles
Oh, there we go again
And it feels so good
We're fallin' up and down
And down, it's 2 AM again
And she kisses me goodbye
For the sixteenth time
And I'm driving home, it's 2 AM
And I look at the sun come up over the hills
And the clouds are turning pink and green
And all I can see is her eyes
Eyes
Eyes
I get blinded when she opens the door
It's like looking into the sun, you know
And I just blink an' mumble an' stare down at my shoes
And she just looks at me
And smiles
Smiles
Smiles
The crowd exploded in applause.
Spike waved to everyone before exiting backstage, taking in another breath. He had to admit, it felt really good performing again.
Xander joined him a moment later, patting him on the back. “You did great, man. Buffy would have been proud, I know she was here in spirit.”
Spike took out the picture from his wallet, the one of Buffy that he always carried everywhere with him. They were at the beach; it was their first official date. He caressed her delicate features, gazing up at Xander with a smile. “She always is.”
The End
Author's Chapter Notes:
This doesn’t really have anything to do with the song; I just thought the title was appropriate. It’s just a oneshot; there wasn’t much I wanted to do with this. Thanks to easy_to_corrupt for the read through, and my lovely banner=)
Chapter End Notes:
The song was “Smile” by James Marsters, it was hard to find one that would work, but I think it was good enough. When I first wrote this, I thought it was a really good idea, but now I’m not so sure. I don’t feel as good about it as I first did, but hopefully you guys liked it and would leave me a review letting me know if you did, even if you didn’t. I’ll take anything right about now. Thanks for reading!