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Chapter 3

The Not-So-Sting-in-the-Tail


“So if I’m not there by two o’clock, carry on home okay love – I just want to get things sorted”

“Sure – see you later” Spike ended the call to Buffy.

There was a discreet knock at the door and Spike opened it to see Farquhar standing there.

They barely had time to put him in the picture (although he did say he’d read the paper the day before and got the gist of things, before there was another knock.

Spike opened it, and a tall woman, wearing a Prada dress and long coat, Treacy fedora hat and dark glasses stood there. Behind her was a typical LA bodyguard, black suit, white tee shirt, wide as he was tall, bald and also wearing dark glasses.

“You can wait outside mate” Spike said, but the woman said,

“He’s my lawyer”

“A likely story…but…” Spike opened the door wider to let him in. He then walked across the room, folded his arms across his chest and regarded the two for a moment.

“Right, we’ll get straight to the point, this ‘stunt’ for want of a better word your pulling, it won’t wash” Spike said standing next to his sitting father and Farquhar the lawyer.

“Like I said to you on the phone, it isn’t a ‘stunt’ as you call it, you’re father-“

“And I told you he’d had the snip”

“I’m sorry?”

“The snip, a vasectomy, had his little swimmers curtailed, his tadpoles-“

“Alright William, we get the message!” Rupert said between gritted teeth.

“Well then, how come I’m pregnant then?”

“Second coming of Christ perhaps, you know, immaculate conception? – No? – Okay then, well ask yourself who else you had sex with – or did you use a turkey-baster? – And um, another thing, you said you weren’t after dad’s money, well, that’s good coz he hasn’t got any, Carrisbrooke takes up every red cent he can earn, and titles – you should have read up on the law, love”

“I’m not your love, how dare you speak to me like this!” She whipped off her glasses and glared at Spike.

“The ENGLISH law, and then you’d have known that all this was for nothing anyway, coz even if he had made you pregnant, the titles goes to the first born, that’s me, and then any children I choose to have. So all in all you’ve wasted your time”

The woman looked at Farquhar and said,

“Are you his lawyer?”

“I am”

“And is he telling the truth?”

“About?”

“Any of it, about the titles and such”

“Oh yes…at best any second offspring might be able to call themselves ‘The Honourable – such and such, but not if they’re a bastard”

The woman took a sharp intake of breath and placed a hand on her chest, as though shocked.

“There’s no need to use language like that!”

“Madam, I’m using the correct terminology as regards the English law, a child born out of wedlock is regarded to be a –“

“Alright, don’t say it again, God, I thought you lot had moved on from the middle ages!”

She then eyed her ‘bodyguard/lawyer’ and hissed

“YOU should have read up on this!”

“I take it that we won’t be hearing any more nonsense from you”

“It’s you!” Rupert said standing up. Everybody turned to look at him, and then the bodyguard Rupert was pointing to.

“It’s me what?”

“You that took my jacket off – undressed me and put me in bed!”

“What – you told me he’d never know, you said the drug was safe and he’d never know!” the woman banged on the big guy’s chest with her fists.

“Dad, call the police”

“No! Look, I’m sorry, I’ll go – please don’t involve the police” the girl looked stricken and worried now.

“Why shouldn’t we – what you’ve done is tantamount to fraud” Rupert said.

“I made a mistake”

“Huh, too bloody right you made a mistake, your first mistake was thinking my dad was one of those bloody chinless wonders, happy to have pulled somebody like you and for you to be pregnant – well you picked on the wrong person!”

“I’ve said I’m sorry!”

“Oh, and that makes it alright does it? You haul his name through the mud and then say sorry it was a mistake – boy do you take the biscuit!” Spike dropped his arms and shook his head incredulously.

The woman started crying, and this annoyed Spike.

“Oh for goodness sake, you can switch off the water-works for a start! I don’t know how you hoped to get away with it, we would have insisted on blood tests anyway”

“She was going to get me to drug either him or you and take some blood so the DNA would have matched”

“Dawson, shut up!” the woman hissed through her tears.

“No – and you’re right. We did drug you” the bodyguard said.

“It was on the after dinner mint wasn’t it – what was it – the date-rape drug, Rohipnol was it – coz dad’s been having flashbacks?” Spike asked.

The bodyguard’s brows shot up in surprise.

“You’ve done your homework I see”

“Yes mate, and if you’d have done yours, you’d have known that Mrs Froggy’s – Hugo Frobisher-Norton’s wife doesn’t serve after dinner mints, she thinks they’re passé.

“What do you want us to do?” A red eyed, drippy-nosed woman asked quietly. Spike handed her a tissue and said,

“Get a retraction printed, I won’t have dad’s name be-smirched like this, we want a full apology and how, I mean we want to see a proper, grovelling apology, how sorry you are for dragging dad’s name through the mud, wrongly accusing him etc”

“Can we do that Dawson?”

“I’ll see what I can do”

“You WILL do it, else you’ll be reading how a waitress-cum-wannabe actress committed fraud”

“How did you know I-“ The woman trailed off.

“Lucky guess, you have two days – now both of you, go – my father is working and has to prepare himself for tonight’s performance”

The two turned to leave and the woman said,

“I only ever wanted to…well, to be a somebody” They left and closed the door behind them.

“I do think it was rather rash of you to let her off like that” Farquhar said.

“Was I dad? Did you want it dragging through the courts?”

“No…as long as they keep their side of the bargain”

“Well if they don’t, I will keep mine. Now, there was one other thing I wanted to do…ah yes, I’ll take these, you won’t be needing them” Spike picked up the half pack of cigarettes off the table.

“William – I’m old enough to smoke if I want to!”

“Not the way you get bronchitis in the winter – ‘to be or not to’ (cough, cough, cough) be, whether it is nobler (cough, cough, cough)” Spike said grinning.

“William I’ve never done that!”

“Maybe not, but if Dr Snickert finds out that you’re back on the fags, he’ll quadruple his fees just to see you” Spike warned, and Rupert sighed.

“That’s true…it’s just I feel all…blugh! Nervy and stuff!”

“Try the old patches – been on them four months now since I had the accident, just slap a new one on every morning, don’t even think about smoking now” Spike said with a grin.

“I think I can cold-turkey it…it’s only been 24 hours” Rupert sighed.

“Well then. Now dad, another matter before I go”

“If you’ve no need for me then I too must be off” Rupert shook hands with his lawyer, and so did Spike, then Farquhar left.

“So what is it?”

“Well dad, I’m 28 nearly – and I’ve been thinking………”

_______

“So you’ve no objections what so ever?” Spike asked smiling.

“None, got to be your choice, son!” Rupert said.

“Of course, good, well, something else I must do then…bloody hell, would you look at the time! Break a leg tonight”

“Thanks Will…and thanks for-“

“Ah go away, got to look after me old man ain’t I?”

“And I keep telling you, I’m not that old!”

“See you later dad, bye!”

Spike looked at his watch, it was 2.20pm, Buffy would be home by now, or nearly home – so he could safely go where he needed to go without the danger of being seen…………





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