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She had scars. Running lengthwise up her arms, just below her wrists. They were from the time just after. Heaven was nice; she had wanted to go back. Buffy had tried it a few times, it never kept. The healing kept getting in her way. Even when she had sat in the tub, it hadn't kept the wounds closed. She had finally been driven to patrol once more, she'd take on things that she probably shouldn't have. It never seemed to go like she wanted it to. It seemed more often than not, the slayer inside didn't want to end it all just yet. Spike helped on a few occasions, but he wasn't around as much as he had been in the stalker days. Buffy didn't know what to think about that. She had started going to talk to him after the fifth attempt at each hadn't worked. She like the dark of his crypt. It held her; it soothed her like the outside didn't. It seemed safe. Odd, yes, but true.

She stopped the frequency of the attempts after spending a month off and on there. He never commented on it. Spike knew though. He sensed a partial death wish. He also sensed the need to find herself once more.

She had never had her own identity. She still didn't. Spike didn't know if she ever would find her own identity. She had played parts since the moment he met her. Probably since before then.

She didn't know who she was and she never had the time to figure it out. Buffy was numerous things, but she wasn't her. Everyone had an image of who she was to them. She didn't. She knew Spike's image was the closest to something that she could see of herself. It was the closest to the current true picture. It had good and bad. It had the beauty and the ugly. Right now all she could see was the ugly. All the others could see was the good.

"I don't know who I am." It was the truth, it was all she knew.

"You should find out. Do whatever it takes." He replied. Spike knew this moment was coming from the moment she was brought back. He knew she hadn't been in hell. Someone doesn't act like that if they had been saved.

"What about the others?"

"Tell them."

"How? How do I tell them I'm abandoning them to do this?"

"You're not though. You're doing something that needs to be done. Something that they've all had some chance at doing. It's your turn."

"What about Dawn? What about my duty?"

"There are others that can help." Spike simply stated. He didn't want to make her feel like she was useless, but she didn't have to do it all herself. She needed to know she could make her own decisions about her life. She could do this. He would help in any way he could, hopefully without influencing her in any way. He still loved her. He always would, but if she didn't know herself, she'd never be happy. He only asked that she be happy.





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