Her strong, self-righteous strides lasted until she got to the end of the ally and then she started running. Buffy was confused, horrified, disgusted, and worst of all, painfully self-aware. Deep in the back of her mind, in the darkest parts of her subconscious, Spike had hit home. What marked her as different from any other girl werenʼt the super human abilities or her mystical duty, but the first though that she had every morning: Is today the day that I die?
Yet there was one thing Spike had gotten wrong. Her death wish had nothing to do with desire or the thrill of the fight. Sometimes she just got so tired. Every part of her attempt to have a normal life was overshadowed by her Slayer obligations. School, romance, friendships, family life, and everything in between: All of it tainted by the fact that sheʼd been Chosen to fight the hellspawn of the world.
She believed in reincarnation, secretly, mostly due to being a Slayer. Buffy had dreamed of the others, of their brief lives and brutal deaths. She hoped that when her time was up she was reborn into a nice, normal existence. No vampires, no demons, Watchers, magic, and no more lonely girls fighting back against the stuff of nightmares.
Those revelations werenʼt causing her eyes to sting with unshed tears. Truth be told, they were nothing new. Buffy just didnʼt like thinking on them much. The tears were for an overwhelming feeling of vulnerability. Spike had stripped her with his words, with his profound understanding of her secret heart. It scared the shit out of her.
And god help her, sheʼd felt a twinge of sympathy. When heʼd told her about his existence before the change, Buffy had been stunned. William the Bloody, one of her greatest adversaries, had once been a quiet, lovelorn wannabe poet; a shy doormat not unlike Willow had been when theyʼd first met. His humiliation had been the catalyst but what kind of life had he lived if Drusilla hadnʼt hunted him down? Certainly becoming a vampire was nothing to be happy about or even justifiable, but the smallest part of her could understand how he had been tempted.
These unbidden emotions and unwanted thoughts chased her as surely as any angry demon had. She didnʼt want them, she wished he wasnʼt so goddamned insightful, but most of all she didnʼt want to analyze why her heart had skipped a beat when heʼd tried to kiss her.
Finis.
Author's Chapter Notes:
First BtVS fic. So be gentle. There is a companion piece to it. I'll try to get it posted some time this week.