When I Think About Leaving
Spike sat in Willy’s Bar, staring into his beer bottle. He seemed to be
coming to the bar more and more over the past few months…whenever he and
Buffy had another of their blow-out fights. Sometimes Spike wondered if
they should even be together, but he knew he couldn’t live without her.
The fights were always the same-they’d start over the silliest detail and
escalate into a screaming match until Spike had enough and would walk out.
He knew he could be a prick most of the time. He never apologized. Buffy
had never heard him say those two little words that she always said to him.
Spike also knew Buffy was the one to break down and apologize, not because
she wanted to, but because she hated fighting with him.
‘Bloody hell, why does she put up with me,’ Spike thought, running a hand
through his hair as he stared at the surface of the bar. Every time he
thought about leaving her, whether it was because he was mad or because he
thought she deserved more, Spike couldn’t go through with it. His mind
wrapped around the idea every now and then, wondering what it would be like
to be single again.
‘You know the answer to that, mate. You can’t live without her…you can’t
even get through the thought of living without her.’
He thought of his friend, Angel, who had left his wife after seven years of
marriage. He’d simply had enough one day, packed his bags and walked out.
To the casual observer, Angel seemed to have it all. He had the shiny
vintage Corvette, the young blonde girlfriend, but Spike knew he wasn’t as
happy as he used to be. He only saw his kids twice a month, and it made him
miserable to be without them for long stretches of time.
Spike and Buffy didn’t have kids yet, but it did bring a smile to Spike’s
face when he thought of an adorable little girl with blonde pigtails and her
mother’s smile.
Spike loved Buffy. He was more devoted to her than he ever thought
possible. He thought of her face the night that they had shared stories
from their past. The image of her tear-streaked face as she told him about
her father leaving her and her mother all alone at the tender age of five
nearly broke his heart every time it flashed in his mind. He could
visualize everything down to the tiniest detail, from her tiny arms wrapped
around her father’s neck, to her tearful cries begging to know where he was
going and if he was coming back.
Spike felt tears spring to his eyes at what she must have gone through.
The strongest feelings that Spike had, however, were whenever he thought
about the two of them. Any time the thought flashed through his head,
asking him if he should leave, he thought about the honesty that permeated
the relationship. They had built a foundation for themselves based on the
mutual faithfulness and trusting each other. Spike had never been able to
open his heart to anyone before Buffy came along, and he wasn’t about to
throw that away for anything in the world.
He smiled as he thought of all the nights they had spent making love, only to
lay in each other’s arms and watch the sunrise as they talked and laughed
with each other. He thought of the tender touches and kisses shared
throughout the years, every one of them full of love and respect.
Sure, the thought would cross his mind every now and then, only to be pushed
away when he realized what a strong fixture of his life that Buffy was. He
knew that he wouldn’t make it if she were to leave him. He knew it as sure
as the sun would rise the next morning. She was in his heart, in his blood,
everywhere that she could possible be. He knew he would never leave her-
there was no one else he would rather be with than his beautiful goddess at
home.
Spike smiled as he realized just how much she loved and trusted him. Every
time they would have a fight, he would end up in this bar. She knew it.
Hell, sometimes she even came after him, depending on how mad she was. She knew he got numerous propositions whenever he came here alone, just as he knew she got propositions everywhere she went, regardless of whether he was
with her or not. Yet, she trusted him. It had been that way from the
beginning; Buffy had more faith in Spike when they began dating than he
had in himself at the time. She had shocked him with the amount of trust
she put into him, in turn making him want to be that much more for her.
Spike gave a heavy sigh as he took another long swallow of his beer. He had
flown off the handle, as usual, because he was angry. She didn’t tell him she
was having lunch with a coworker. In his defense, the coworker was a male
who did have a huge crush on Buffy, but Spike should have known better.
The fatigue of the long day at work, followed by the revelation that she had
been out with another man, no matter how innocent, had left him bitter. He
knew now that he had made a mistake, but he dreaded the look on her face
when he walked through the door. With a heavy sigh, Spike left some money
on the bar and headed out the door.
Ten minutes later, he was standing in front of his front door. He had every
right to simply walk into the house, considering he paid for the damned
thing, but he knew he had to do this right. Straightening his shoulders,
Spike knocked loudly, listening as he heard the shuffling of feet on the
other side of the door.
Spike felt his heart ache as the woman he loved more than anything else in
the world opened the door, staring up at him with puffy, green eyes. Spike
could tell that her body was telling her to go to him, just as his was
telling him to grab hold of her and never let go.
With a compassionate look, Spike reached out with one hand and gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ear as she offered him a tentative half-smile.
His heart nearly broke at the tiny sniffle that came from her, knowing he
had caused her so much pain for a mistake he made.
Spike took a small step forward as she looked up into his eyes with a look
of longing. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her and bent to let his lips
touch hers in a loving kiss. The kiss was meant to comfort and reassure-
there would be time for passion later.
Spike felt her hands go around his waist as she melted into him. Spike
brought his own hands up to cup her face, never making a move to deepen the
kiss, simply enjoying the bliss of being this close to the woman he loved.
Pulling away and taking in deep breaths of fresh air, Spike looked down at
Buffy, staring deep into her eyes as he uttered the words he should have
said so long ago, “I’m sorry.”
THE END
A/N I know this isn’t like my other fics, but I just got inspired to write
it. It’s a one-shot, so I hope you enjoyed. Based on the beautiful song
“When I Think About Leaving” by Kenny Chesney.
"When I Think About Leaving"
You know sometimes me and my lady have these crazy fights
And when we do it makes me wonder
Are we're ever gonna get it right
When I think about leaving I think about me
What my life would be like if I were back to being free
Go where I wanna go, do what I wanna do,
Wouldn't have a soul I had to answer to
When I think about leaving I think about me
You know I got a friend him and his wife just couldn't see eye to eye
He had all he could stand one day and just packed up and said good-bye
When I think about leaving I think about him
That little apartment cross town he's living in
Got an old corvette, got a new girlfriend,
But only sees his kids every other weekend
When I think about leaving oh I think about him
I never will forget her face or the day she told me about her dad,
How he walked out on her
And her mom when she was just a kid
When I think about leaving oh I think about her
Only five years old and her heart filled up with hurt
With her little arms wrapped around his neck
Saying daddy where you going, are you coming back
When I think about leaving I think about her
You know the truth is, most of the time things were really great
And I know we got something special
When I think about leaving I think about us
How we build this love we share on faith and trust,
Honest way we talk, tender way we touch,
All those nights we spent making love,
When I think about leaving oh I think about us
When I think about leaving I think again
Even though that thought crosses my mind every now and then
In my heart I know I would never leave,
There's nowhere else on earth I would rather be
When I think about leaving I think again
When I think about leaving
When I think about leaving
When I think about leaving, I think again
