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Disclaimer: Do I own it? No. evil Joss!!! EVIL!!!

Hehe…random thought: funnest word every!!=LLAMAS
Funner word(s): LLAMAS IN PAJAMAS!!!

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SPIKE: Well, looky here. I don't usually use the word delicious...

(Shot of Riley standing there looking at them, large gun in hand)

SPIKE: ...but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh? Me and your former? Must kill. What can I say? Girl just needs a little monster in her man.

(Buffy turns to Spike and grins and then turns back to Riley and gives him the finger)

RILEY: (to Spike) That's not why I'm here ... Doctor.

(Buffy looks shocked, turns to stare at Spike, then back to stare at Riley, and then back to Spike)

BUFFY: (whispering) You’re a doctor?

SPIKE: (sighing, then sarcastic) Yes, Buffy. I’m a doctor, with a diploma and EVERYTHING. Would you like to see my diploma?

BUFFY: YOU HAVE A DIPLOMA?!

(Spike sighs and turns to Riley)

SPIKE: Was she like this when you were with her?

(Riley shrugs, and they look like they’re about to bond, when someone runs towards them wearing a headset and carrying a clipboard)

CREW MEMBER: No, no, no! This is all wrong! (opens script and points) SEE!!! Right here, it says you’re supposed to have a macho pissing contest!

RILEY: Yes sir lady ma’am sir!

(crew member backs away, waving at camera and mouthing ‘spike’s hot’)

RILEY: Show me the eggs, Doctor!


(Spike shrugs and goes to his fridge and opens it)

SPIKE: (murmuring under breath) blood…beer…what the HELL is that?! Is that bologna? Oh, god it is…um…oh, here they are.

(Spike straightens and holds up a carton of eggs, Grade A, extra large)

RILEY: BWAHAHA!!! I have foiled your plots for evilness! Now Buffy will return to me!

SPIKE: First off, you’re married. Second off, what, you’re going to stop me from making eggs-in-a-basket? And POACHED EGGS? (under breath) Oh THAT’S a brilliant plan…

BUFFY: How did you know he was married? I mean, he’s not wearing a ring and I never told you!

SPIKE: Because it’s a fic, god dammit! Now let’s get on with the story!

(They turn to Riley, who’s mumbling and turning the egg carton around in his hands. They watch him, and Buffy interrupts his fascination with the dairy product [a/n-eggs ARE dairy, right?])

BUFFY: What are you doing?

RILEY: AH HA!! These aren’t Extra Large eggs at all! They’re JUMBO!!!

(Author gets fed up of Riley’s talking and walks in, steals his gun)

AUTHOR: This is for you, your dumb initiative, your dislike of Spike and your general stupidity!

(Shoots him like she always will and there is much happiness. Smiling, Author turns to Spike and Buffy, and is about to say something, when all of a sudden, Angel bursts in)

ANGEL: BUFFY! I LOVE YO-

BLAM!

(He’s dead too, now. AND then…)

PARKER: BUFFFFY!

BLAM!

BUFFY: Why are THEY here? I thought this was supposed to be about only me and Spike!

AUTHOR: Well, I hate all of them. Therefore, they die.

(Spike and Buffy do not, of course, question this because I am god and they will do as I say. And I say, they are magically transported to Happy-Happy Land where all is good and they make pretty babies and Spike can go in the sunlight. Oh, and they have their loverly never ending supply of Prozac which keeps them firmly implanted in HappyHappyLand. Author smiles, happy that everyone she hates is dead and goes to add this story to some sites because she’s crazy and sleep deprived)
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[a/n]—DO NOT QUESTION MY SANITY! IT WAS NEVER THERE TO BEGIN WITH!!!





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