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Chapter 10

Spike showed up at Buffy's house and took a few minutes before he got the courage to knock on the door. Joyce opened the door and smiled at him. "I was wondering when you would manage to knock." Spike looked embarrassed.

"I guess you saw me out here." Joyce nodded.

"From the moment you drove up, please come in." Spike walked into the house and Joyce closed it behind him. "I suppose you're here to see Buffy." He nodded.

"I need to talk to her." Joyce nodded also.

"I'll go get her." With that Joyce walked up the stairs and Spike just stood there waiting.

"You really have it bad, don't you?" Spike turned at the voice and saw Dawn behind him.

"Is it that obvious?" Dawn nodded.

"It really is. I love my sister, but I will admit that she has issues. I don't know why she's acting like she doesn't wanna go out with you because I know she really likes you. You can just tell. She was fine about two years ago. She used to date a little bit and she seemed to have more fun, you know. Then it just stopped, she didn't seem like she wanted to date anymore and instead she just focused on her school work and started doing volunteer work to help out around town like at the orphanage. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of everything that she's done, but it just seems like she could be doing so much more and have more fun with her life. I mean she acts like it's the end of the world or something."

"You don't know what could have changed?" Dawn shook her head.

"Your guess is as good as mine." Joyce then came back downstairs followed by Buffy. It took Joyce a few minutes to convince her to come down. Joyce grabbed Dawn's hand and pulled her towards the kitchen.

"We'll let you two talk." She told them as she headed out of the living room with Dawn. Buffy had her arms crossed and was staring at the floor when Spike spoke.

"I'm sorry to just show up like this, but I needed to talk to you." Buffy then looked up at him and nodded.

"Let's go outside." She said as she walked out with Spike close behind her. When they were outside neither knew what to say first. Buffy took a deep breath and looked at him. "I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to just leave like that, I guess I just panicked." Spike nodded.

"Yeah, which was my fault. I shouldn't have kissed you knowing that you didn't want it." Buffy looked down.

"I did want it." She mumbled and Spike barely heard her.

"What was that, pet?" She looked up at him again with tears forming in her eyes this time.

"I said I did want it, but it can't happen again. It'll be better this way, trust me." Spike was still confused.

"I don't get it, Buffy. I know you like me, everyone else can tell too. Now you say that you wanted me to kiss you, but it can't ever happen again. Care to explain why not?" He told her.

"I just don't want you to get hurt, being involved with me might end up hurting you in the end and I think it would be less painful if we didn't get too close." Spike grabbed her hand and she didn't pull away.

"I'm already too close and I don't think you have to worry about hurting me. You're different, Buffy. I've never known anyone as good as you and I know you would never hurt anyone. I think you're just scared of letting someone in, afraid that you might be the one to get hurt in the end, but you know you can trust me. I'll never hurt you. I love you." Buffy then pulled away and the tears were falling more at what he said.

"Please don't say that, it will only make things harder." Spike wiped a tear off of her face and really looked at her.

"I can't help it. I think I've always known from the moment I saw you. I know there's more to why you don't want to be with me, I just wished you could tell me about it. You know I'm always here for you." Buffy then touched his cheek and noticed that he was starting to cry, too.

"I know that, but I won't be." She said as she dropped her hand and Spike didn't know what she meant by that.

"Why, are you moving or something? Is that why you don't want to get involved?" Buffy shook her head.

"No, I'm not moving. It's more than that." She said.

"What is it? You know you can tell me anything." Buffy nodded and decided that it was time.

"I know I can. The truth is that I'm...I'm sick. I have leukemia, Spike." Spike felt like his whole world was falling apart at just her words.

"No, you're only 18. You're perfect. There has to be something. Anything that could help you." Buffy shook her head.

"There isn't, we've tried everything. It's too late for me." Spike looked away from her as his tears continued to fall.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, his voice low and scratchy.

"I didn't want anyone to know, not yet. They would have all treated me differently and felt sorry for me and I didn't want that. I just wanted to be treated like everyone else." Spike looked at her again.

"Your friends don't know?" Buffy shook her head.

"No, only my mom and Riley. Dawn doesn't even know because we didn't know how to tell her. I will tell them though, I just haven't been able to yet." She explained.

"How do you feel now?" Spike asked her.

"I feel okay. Some days I feel really tired and others I feel fine. It's all going to be okay." Spike looked at her wondering how she could say that.

"There is nothing about this that's okay. You're only 18-years-old, Buffy. How can you be so calm and put on a brave face knowing that you're going to die." He said as the tears kept falling down his face, he didn't care about hiding them anymore.

"I don't have a choice. I didn't want to scare anyone. I'm living my life the way I always wanted to and I've been really happy lately. I know that I'm still young and there's a lot that I haven't done and I don't want to die, but I guess I realized that I'm not afraid to. I mean some days I feel terrified knowing that I'll never get to see Dawn grow up into a beautiful woman like I always knew she would be, or to see Riley get married and start a family of his own. I probably won't even be able to be with my friends at graduation, but I guess I don't want them to know how scared I really am. I will get to be with my dad again and I'll be able to keep a close eye on everyone that I love. When I think about that, it's not so scary." Spike couldn't help himself and he went towards her and hugged her. She put her head on his chest and cried as he rubbed her back in comfort. He couldn't believe that this was actually happening. He just found her and now he had to lose her and he didn't think that he would be able to bear that. She was so young, it just wasn't fair. She was the best person that he has ever known and the world needed her. He needed her. Spike kissed the top of her head and continued to hold her, afraid of what tomorrow would bring.





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