Twenty-fourth. To feel the sun.
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
David Viscott, How to Live with Another Person
Love is everything it's cracked up to be…
It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau, Journal, July 25, 1839
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
Gilbert Keith Chesterton
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength;
loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao-Tzu
This was love at first sight, love everlasting:
a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected- in so
far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness;
it took entire possession of him, and he understood,
with joyous amazement, that this was for life.
Thomas Mann
Despite the yawns, Buffy wasn’t really all that tired. What she had wanted was exactly what she got, to be back in bed, doing nothing but lying next to Will. Listening to the comforting thump of his heart beneath her ear, she drew random patterns on his skin, following the dip and folds, watching his chest rising and falling with each inhalation. His hand was doing the same to her back, his warm touch soothing her. They were lying in the rumpled sheets, their bodies replete after the second bout of sex, neither one of them inclined to talk.
There was too much that needed saying and yet nothing had to be verbalized – the situation they were now in couldn’t be avoided for long – but somehow neither one of them wanted to be the one to breach the bubble and shatter their current peace. That last indefinable line separating them as teacher and student had been crossed, leading them literally into no-man’s land, a place filled with dangers and pitfalls, where any misstep could lead them into disaster. Too many people already knew, or suspected about their relationship. What we need is time, Will thought, time to solidify things between us, before we have to face the rest of the bloody world.
He didn’t want to bring it up, didn’t want to have to deal with the repercussions of their actions – of facing exactly what he’d done by taking her into his bed, by loving her, by making love with her. But it was there, the proverbial elephant tucked away in the corner, and he knew he had to face it. Couldn’t hide from it forever. He doubted they could get through the weekend without bringing it up. Not that he wanted to run from it. He knew how he felt, knew what he wanted. Pretending otherwise was just going to cause him, and her, more heartbreak. And that he wasn’t willing to live with. Nah, not doing that.
Nor was he going to make the same mistake he’d made the last time she was here in his house, in his bed. This time, she was going to stay put. Here, in his arms, where she belonged. He wasn’t going to let her go, slip through his fingers like some illusory magical creature.
There were just a couple of things he needed to know, before he squared off against the rest of the world to fight for her. Just . . . a few. . . . “When’s your birthday?”
If she was confused by his question, she didn’t show it, because she answered right away, “the nineteenth.”
Will almost didn’t believe it. “Do you know what today is kitten?”
“Um. No.” She continued to run her fingers over his chest, unconcerned by his answer.
“Today’s the eighteenth.”
“Oh. Tomorrow I’ll be eighteen.” Her voice was so flat that Will stopped breathing, pulling her up so that their faces were close together and he could see into her eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She looked away, unwilling to meet his gaze.
He lifted up on one elbow, dumping her flat onto the mattress. “Buffy. Don’t lie to me.”
She tried to shrug, but their positions wouldn’t allow for the gesture, instead she looked away from him, then started speaking softly. ‘Never expected to be in . . . I’m gonna be eighteen and I’m pregnant. Baby’s father is a . . . big jerk, my father is . . . a jerk. I got thrown out of school. Nothing’s the way I thought it was gonna be.” She fought tears then whispered very softly, “the only good thing in my life is you.”
The back of his hand brushed over her cheek and Will waited a moment before speaking, trying to figure out how to say what he was feeling. “Look at me.”
Wet lashes covered her eyes and Buffy fought looking at him for a long moment, afraid that all she would find in his eyes was pity. His voice washed over her, his words like balm to her soul. “Your father is an ass. What he did, kitten, was so wrong that he better hope it’s a long time before I actually meet the man.” Her hand circled his wrist, her nails digging into his skin when his next words sounded in the air. “As for Riley Finn – he’s not . . . . he doesn’t deserve to be baby’s father.”
Her eyes flew open, desperate to find the truth in his gaze. “Neither of them deserves you princess, and your mum also has a bit to answer for. . . . “ His fingers grasped hers and Will inhaled deeply, gathering his courage. “I’m not sorry for any of this. Not sorry what brought you to me, b’cause you are my world, princess. I’m drowning an’ I don’t wanna be saved. I wanna . . . “
Will sat up, his bare hip brushing her shoulder and he turned to look down at her. “I meant it before, when I said you were mine. But I didn’t mean just you, Buffy, I meant both of you.” His hand rested possessively against her belly, his eyes never straying from hers. “Don’t care how or why this baby got here, or who supplied the DNA.” His voice took on a feral quality and she shivered from the intensity of his emotions. “You are mine. Both of you. And tomorrow dammit, I’m gonna marry you.”
She froze, uncertain of what she’d just heard, afraid she’d dreamed it or that she was asleep and still dreaming. Her eyes flew to his, and when she didn’t see doubt or anything other than the truth staring back at her, Buffy inhaled. Opening her mouth to say something, she stopped, then stared up at him again.
The silence was deep and all she could think was of him and his eyes, his arms, his body shielding her. “Will? Do you love me?”
“Do I?” A shaky laugh welled up from his chest. “ God kitten. . . . so much that I can’t breathe without you.”
Fresh tears sprang to her eyes, dripping down her cheeks, pooling against his side as she buried her face against him. She was shaking, weeping, and Will couldn’t, didn’t know what to do, or what caused it. “Hey, ssshhh. . . please, baby, don’t cry.”
She was mumbling something incoherent against his skin and Will dropped down beside her, his arms circling her and holding her. “Please, baby. . . . talk to me.“
”I. . . oh god. . . I love you too.” Buffy clutched at him, her tears overwhelming her, the shaking increasing as her emotions crashed. It was too much, the stresses of the last couple of weeks hitting her all at once and Buffy couldn’t stop her body’s reactions.
Will rolled over her, his body trapping hers, and Buffy’s legs automatically wrapped around him. She was sore, her tiny body unused to his size, and she flinched markedly when he slid his erection into her depths. “Sshhhh. . . ‘ve got you baby. Not letting go.”
He didn’t move, just held fast within her, assuring her with his body what his words couldn’t do. His lips caught her tears, swallowing them, washing away her sorrow, slowly, inexorably replacing it with peace and, much later, joy.
Hours later he woke, to the odd sensation of being trapped, unable to move any of his limbs. Will cracked open an eye, his mind unclear until he glimpsed the dark golden hair spread across his pillow. Spun gold strands caught and held the winter sunlight streaming through his window and Will tightened his hold on her, his hips flexing into her. His fingers tightened around the curve of her ass and Will rocked his burgeoning erection into the cradle of her thighs.
Sometime during the early morning hours, he’d rolled onto his side, bringing her with him. After he’d made his impassioned declaration, they’d made slow languid love, his cock barely moving within her until their simultaneous orgasms washed over them, lulling them into healing sleep.
Buffy was still slumbering, her breasts brushing against his chest, her entire form pressed against him. Will curled his bigger leg over hers, anchoring her to him. His eyes settled on her still sleeping face and he leaned forward to brush feather-soft kisses over her. Buffy woke to the feeling of his lips moving gently over her face, though she kept her eyes closed. Not in fear this time, no, this time she wanted this sweet moment to never end, wanted to bask in the glow, to feel for just a little longer how much he loved her.
Slowly and oh-so reluctantly, Buffy opened her eyes.
“And Sleeping Beauty awakens.” Will leaned a little away so that he could look into her eyes.
“Guess that makes you Prince Charming?” His grin was more of a smirk but Buffy didn’t mind. For the first time in a very long while she felt safe and warm and loved. “Or should I call you Prince Handsome?”
He snorted, mock grumbling at her. “Makes me sound like a prat.”
Her quizzical expression softened him. “A jerk. Sort of. . . hard to . . yeah. Nevermind.”
“Ahuh.” Buffy gripped his bicep, her hand squeezing tight. A sudden serious light entered her eyes. “Will? Did you mean what you said before?”
Without wondering why she was asking or what specifically she was referring too, Will replied. “Every last word.”
“Um. . . when you said. .. . that thing about marrying. Did you really mean today?”
The look on her face was one he’d never seen before and now he was curious. “Why?”
She blushed, ducking her head shyly. “Promise you won’t laugh at me?”
“Promise.” He waited for her to explain, but when the silence drew out between them, he prompted her. “What is it?”
Her voice was shy and somewhat strained. “Can I go shopping first? I don’t have much money but I don’t wanna get married in any of the clothes I have and I promise I’ll pay you back.”
“No.”
She nearly burst into tears and she started to ask him why, but he cleared his throat, and when he spoke his voice was thick with emotion. “Sorry. Didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I . . . you don’t have to worry ‘bout money. You pick out whatever you want to wear. Hell, you get a whole brand new whatever you want. Jus’ no talk of payin’ me back.”
Buffy nodded once, unable to speak. Will rolled away from her then got up out of bed. He was talking, but she wasn’t paying attention to his words until he sat down beside her, a serious look on his face and something enclosed in one of his hands. “Buffy? You with me?”
“Yup. Paying attention girl.”
Reaching for her left hand, Will said, “was going to wait, till it was safe, until you were out of school, but I can’t. ‘ve had this since before Christmas.” He opened his hand and there, resting on his palm, was a diamond ring.
Buffy stared down at it, her breath caught in her throat. The only thing she could focus on was what he’d just said. “Before Christmas?”
“Yeah.” He drew the word out, making it sound like a confession of sorts. Which it was. “It’s yours kitten, whether you wanna get married today, tomorrow, in a week, or five or six hundred years from now, doesn’t matter. Marry me kitten. . . . please?”
With a very unsteady hand, Buffy tentatively reached for it. Her fingers brushed over it, skimming over his skin, sending bolts of awareness through them both. Lifting tear-filled eyes to his, Buffy smiled, whispering, “put it on me. . . . And yes, Will. Yes.”
Hauling her into a sitting position, Will took her left hand in his bigger one and gently pushed the diamond onto her finger.
Meshing their hands together, Will gathered her into his arms, kissing her deeply.
Sometime during the day, they managed to move into the living room, though neither one of them was much inclined to do a whole lot more than that. Will had put some of her clothes into the wash with his and other than getting them both something to drink, that was the full extent of what he felt absolutely needed to be done. There was an array of snacks laid out on the coffee table and Buffy was curled up under a blanket, her head resting on the couch’s arm, her eyes on the television, when he came back from tending to the laundry. She lifted her arm, reaching for a pretzel and the light caught a diamond facet and he couldn’t help the huge grin that had found itself plastered all over his face.
She’s nearly mine. Not gonna let anything or anyone take her away from me. Don’t care what this . . not gonna worry about the school. Not until we have to face it. He looked up at the ceiling, realizing that facing it might happen sooner than he wanted. It would be a lot easier if he had some sort of legal standing with her before the shit hit the fan, because that was inevitable or at the very least, highly probable. He didn’t think he could keep her presence in his house a secret from Rupert very long and he figured she’d want to tell Willow that she was safe and where she was. Given those two factors alone, sooner or later, one of them was bound to spill their story. And once the story was out, he’d probably be fired. But he was prepared for that, so long as he knew things with her were settled. He could always find another job – wasn’t like his credentials weren’t top notch. But he knew, or at least thought he did, that she wanted to stay in Sunnydale. Maybe she doesn’t. . . . if it comes down to a move we have to make. . . .
Will pushed those thoughts aside. Wouldn’t pay to get focused on that far ahead. First things first, mate. Gotta make this all proper before we take on the world. He rounded the couch, idly noting that she was flipping through the channels, and he leaned down to brush a kiss across her lips before heading to the stack of DVDs he had. “Would you rather watch a movie?”
“Sure. As long as its not something dopey.” She shifted, starting to sit up, when Kennedy’s growl froze her movements.
“Define dopey, pet.” His back was still to her, so he couldn’t see what the dog was doing, but Buffy didn’t do anything more than speak. “Kennedy shut up.”
“I dunno. Just nothing stupid.”
Pulling one from the stack, Will flipped open the player and turned to face her. The damn dog was snarling soundlessly, teeth bared and slop dripping from her fangs, body poised to attack Buffy. “What the fuck? Kennedy! Knock it off.”
Will moved toward the dog and Buffy moved again, and instead of backing down from her master, the dog growled again and snapped at her. “Kennedy!”
Grabbing the dog’s collar, Will lifted the terrier off the floor and dragged her from the room, muttering about ungrateful mutts all the while. Buffy was watching him and though she wanted to tell him to be nice to the dog, she had been too shaken up by the dog’s reaction.
He came back into the room quickly, scooping her up off the couch into his arms. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” His nose nuzzled against her hair and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her head resting against his face. “That was weird.”
“Damn dog doesn’t like anyone. If she doesn’t knock it off, she’s gonna find herself without a home.”
Buffy softly slapped his back, admonishing him a bit. “That’s not nice.”
“If it comes down to a choice between you two, the dog goes.” He sat down on the couch, dragging the blanket up over both of them, then settled down to watch the movie. Buffy settled next to him, pulled his arms around her, and got comfortable.
“Underworld? We’re gonna watch vampires and werewolves?” She huffed a bit, rolling her eyes at him. “You just wanna watch this because you think Kate what’s her name is hot.”
“Well yeah, of course. Is there any other reason to watch this?”
She thought for a minute, then said, “fine, but I get to pick the next one.”
“Whatever you say kitten.”
After suffering through nearly two hours of Paul Walker, which had been Buffy’s choice, Will got up to actually fix them something to eat, since Buffy’s belly had been making grumbling noises during the last half hour of the Fast and the Furious. She tried telling him she wasn’t all that hungry, but he just raised an eyebrow in her direction when the growls rumbled through her.
Fixing pasta, Will insisted she sit and do nothing, but Buffy couldn’t sit still very long and she was up helping him before he realized it. They worked well together, their movements smooth, unconsciously adapting to each other, and at one point it felt like this was something they’d been doing for a very long time. Unwilling to disturb the peaceful mood, but knowing they were going to have to discuss it sooner or later, and now, when they were both relaxed and awake, was as good a time as any, Will finally composed his thoughts.
Stirring the sauce, Will turned to eye her as she chopped up vegetables for salad. “Are you going to call Willow, let her know you’re okay?”
Buffy shrugged, dumping the peppers into the bowl, then grabbing a cucumber. “I guess. Maybe tomorrow.”
He stopped, reaching out to touch her arm. “You okay?”
“Yeah. I just don’t wanna have to talk about this with anyone but you right now. Willow’s great, but. . . “ she shrugged again, not really looking at him.
“Buffy, you don’t have to pretend with me.” His arms came around her from behind and she leaned into his chest, resting her head against his shoulder.
“I know. She just doesn’t get what I’m going through. I can’t pretend that everything is okay and that things are gonna be normal by next Tuesday, because my life? Not so big on the normal.”
Will dropped a kiss on her shoulder, holding her for a long moment, then letting her go. “I understand.”
“Glad you do, because I’m not always sure I do.” Buffy spoke from the depths of the refrigerator, while she searched for something else to put in the salad. “You got any meatballs or something?”
“Added meat to the sauce.” He was going to have to break down and tell her that Rupert knew and he braced himself for her blow up. “Giles knows.”
She didn’t miss a beat, countering him with, “have you called Drusilla?”
He had the grace to look sheepish. “Yeah. I did. She wanted to know if, she asked me if Peaches should come down and help look.”
Buffy glanced over the top of the refrigerator door at that. “Who is Peaches?”
“Liam. Dru’s dead weight husband.”
“Why do you call him Peaches?” She stared at him, waiting for an explanation, curiosity written large on her face.
Will glanced away, trying to decide what to tell her. Ah well, she might as well know. “Coz when we were younger, he bared his arse and well, he had peach fuzz on it. ‘S been Peaches ever since.”
Buffy exploded in giggles, doubling over with mirth. “Oh my god. That’s . . . that’s really funny.”
It took her long minutes to calm down and she had to keep wiping her eyes. “So when did you tell Giles?”
“Didn’t. He sussed it out on his own. Came to me and offered to help search the other night.” Will watched her closely gauging her reaction. When no angry or tear-filled outburst came, he said, “he doesn’t know for certain how . . . what. . . all the bloody details, pet, but he’s liable to put it all together in his head.”
“So you’re telling me that the only people who know are Willow, Mr. Giles and Drusilla?” Buffy looked down at the floor, biting her lower lip. “And my mom thinks I’ve been hiding out at Will’s for the past two weeks.”
“That about sums it up.” He folded his arms across his chest, his eyes intent upon her face.
“Will? Are you sure Xander doesn’t know? Or Cordelia?”
“Harris knows you were missing, doesn’t know about us. Far as I know Cordelia knows what the whelp does. Beyond that, don’t think anyone else has been paying all that close attention.” She finally closed the refrigerator door, then rested a small hand on his crossed arms.
“So we have some time then, right?” At his reluctant nod, Buffy smiled. “Which means I can shop before we . . . . where do you wanna get married?”
“Was thinking we could head to Vegas in the morning.” Her face fell and he reached out to brush a hand over her hair. “What’s wrong?”
“Can we wait until next weekend?” She was back to biting her lip, which he found completely riveting, his eyes focused intently on them.
“Baby, I think we,” he paused, his eyes roving over her face. “I want do this soon as possible, but if you really want to wait the week, we will.”
“Please? I’m so . . . I, just.” She rested her head on his arms and Will opened them to embrace her. “I’m still exhausted and I probably wouldn’t be much fun this weekend if we had to go. And besides, we can leave Friday and get married on Saturday and then come home Sunday, right?”
He couldn’t resist her when she looked at him like that. “We could do that. It’s a five hour drive, kitten. Would you rather fly?”
“I’ll leave that up to you. I can’t drive, so its whatever you wanna do.”
He thought about it for a few minutes, then said, “we’ll fly.”
“So can we go shopping tomorrow?” The prospect had her eyes lighting up and Will mentally calculated his bank balances.
“Sure kitten, we can do that.”
“Yippeee!” She hugged him tight, making a face when her stomach growled again. “Need food. Feed me.”
“Greedy wench.” He swung her up into his arms, dropping her down on the counter top. “Dinner’ll be ready in five.”
Okay, I wasn't sure about this . . . . coz I'm no judge of my writing, especially when I feel like crap. so please, leave a review.