Even with three cell phones and the phone in Faith's house it seemed to take forever for all the arrangements to be made. The Coven had begun work immediately giving each of the slayers a message to get to the safe houses. And Buffy had been right all though reluctant the Immortal had agreed with her and opened his sanctuary to the hunted girls. She had watched Spike gesture wildly as he talked heatedly to Angel. He had wanted to make the call himself even when she had insisted. She knew he was still reluctant to let her and her ex talk freely and she had given in with only a halfhearted attempt to reason with him. There would be time for her to make him understand that the other souled vamp was no longer in her life in a meaningful way.
Buffy glanced back at the couch seeing that this time Willow hadn't even made it back up the stairs before falling asleep. She covered her with the blanket. Xander had his chin on his hand his eyes slowly blinking trying to hold off sleep. Even Giles was slouched in his chair his eyes staring off to a point in the distance. She gently tapped him on the shoulder. He turned his head to look at her with great difficulty.
"Giles there's nothing else we can do for now. You need to get some sleep."
"You're right of course. " He started to stand grimacing from sitting in the chair for so long. "Xander are you coming?"
"Hmmmphhh."
"Not one of your more coherent thoughts." Giles said wryly.
"Ha ha funny." He managed to mumble as he struggled to get his eyes to focus.
"We'll be back in a couple of hours. Please try to get some rest Buffy."
"I will."
Both men made there way to the door. As they left she closed it softly behind them.
She could hear Spike finish his conversation and hang up the phone. Without a word she walked over to one of the lamps in the living room and clicked the light off. She then started down the hall and entered the spare room. Suddenly she felt so tired. The kind of tired that even sleep couldn't rid her of. She was once again reminded that this was one of many nights in her now long life. How was she going to face this night after night after night? Letting the nights turn into months and into years and then into centuries. There was a tightness in her chest lodged somewhere near her heart. For once it was all too much for her in the silence of this room. She thumped onto the bed burying her head into a pillow her ragged breathing aching in her lungs. She wrapped her hands in the sheets clinging to them for dear life.
Spike had watched her walk into the bedroom as he fumed from the talk he had with his grand sire. The damn poofter was still busy brooding. Just like he had left him three days ago. How the hell did he ever get anything done with all the self-pity he was buried in? It wasn't like he didn't understand the pain and guilt Angel felt over the past. He understood all too well but he also knew that he had to come to terms with it move on and accept it. If he didn't he wasn't living or unliving. Just existing and that wasn't enough. It had taken some yelling and quite a few names were called before he finally got through to the other vamp. He finally agreed to use the hotel as a safe haven to the others and a promise that he would keep them safe. Now with that phone call out of the way he could finally try and get some sleep.
He felt the change in her mood before he managed to walk into the room. He opened the door slowly just enough so he could slip into the room. His heart clenched as he saw her form on the bed. She looked so tiny and frail as she lay there her uneven breathing disturbing the quiet of the dark room. He could feel her fear as it floated in the air around him.
"Buffy?" He had walked to the bed his hands reaching out to her even though she hadn't even looked up.
She had heard her name but the voice sounded far away now. The gasps that tore at her throat echoed in her head. Her whole being trembled under the weight of the events of the night. Even the slayer part of her had receded leaving only a small scared woman behind.
He brought his arms around her holding her close to him. Her body was tense and trembling. She hadn't moved as he slid her across the bed bringing her to his body.
"Buffy luv what is it?"
Her ears heard the words this time all though she was past the point of understanding them. She just latched onto the strong arms that held her now and buried her head into his chest her own arms wrapping themselves in a death grip around him. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she kept her eyes tightly shut against the world.
Spike was torn he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. He didn't know if she just wanted him to comfort her or if he needed to reach out to her in another way. She had seemed fine only a moment ago and it was apparent that she was far from fine now. He drew her tighter to him his hands running up and down her back murmuring words of comfort to her. Spike was unsure how long he held her like this as he waited for her shaking to stop. Soon her breathing became even and sure and he could hear her heartbeat slow and steady telling him that she had drifted off to sleep. Not wanting to wake her he settled into the bed and closed his eyes.
*********
Buffy was confused at the hardness of the pillow underneath her. She felt comfortable enough but for some reason things weren't quite right. Slowly she opened her eyes blinking the sleepiness away. Forcing her vision to focus she looked around the room. It was then that she felt the arms holding her tightly and the feel of strong muscles as her head rested against Spike's chest. She raised her head to look at him. Her green eyes fell into the depths of his blue ones. The memories of the night before came rushing back.
"Buffy are you alright love?" Concern laced through his voice.
Spike was still unsure of what to expect once she awoke. He had spent a restless night next to her listening to her breathing. The time had passed slowly and he had spent it letting all the thoughts he had tried to keep out drift in and out of his tired mind. They came unbidden and refused to be pushed to the side. He had thought of the past and what the present meant. Then the very real and scary prospects for the future had demanded his attention. The memories of the past had haunted him before of course. The year before the battle in Sunnydale was proof of that. Each was revisited time and time again. Nameless victims and recent failures. But to him only two scenes ever meant anything to him. Watching Buffy jump from that platform because he hadn't been able to help Dawn and the other time the one they never talked about. He still refused to let the memory see the light of day. Just like him it needed to be buried and kept in the shadows. It was kept in the dark recesses of his mind only brought out in the night to haunt him over and over. It was the proof that he didn't deserve what was happening now. Showing him that no matter what he did he didn't deserve what the future could be.
Now however he was afraid of what was happening to her. Last night had been the most terrifying experience of his undead life. The silent fear he felt pouring out of every bit of her body frightened him. The intensity of it was something he had only seen from her once and he thought that he would never see it again. The night she had come back crawling out of her grave.
She gulped reflexively how did she answer such a question. His witness to last night would definitely rule out fine as an answer. She tried to clear her troubled mind. It had been a long time since she had had such an episode.
"I'm better this morning." her voice was quiet but determined.
"Would you like to talk about it pet?" He wasn't going to approach this the way he had before. The pain in her life would not and could not come from him. He would not reinforce her self-destruction ever again.
"Yes." She rolled over so that she was on her back. He kept an arm around her waist his head raised looking at her.
He waited patiently for her to begin. Knowing that he shouldn't push just glad that she was going to be willing to talk to him about what was going on.
"This isn't the first time that's happened. Just a little overloaded I think." Hell a lot of overloaded when she thought about it.
"Care to explain that?"
"It's happened a few times since I found out about.... well about my new.... about being immortal." she winced at the word. "There was just so much the last two days. Finding out you were alive, the demon attack, talking to Giles and Xander and Willow, Faiths wedding, the attack last night and then hearing about how many we lost last night." she closed her eyes feeling the tears pricking behind them. "I guess it was just a little too much."
"It would be too much for anyone pet." He stroked her arm reassuringly. "How are you right now?"
"Slowly making progess to okay. I just needed a little time and sleep I guess." She gave him a warm smile. "Thank you."
He tilted his head at her. "For what?"
"For just being here last night."
"Least I could do Buffy,” he thought for a moment suddenly remembering. "How about that wound of yours?'
"That. I know its healed now." She said it as she raised her shirt to show him her middle.
He looked and saw the faint pink line that ran horizontally across her stomach just above her belly button. The tissue was still healing but it was closed. Awed he traced the line with his finger.
She felt the rough skin of his fingertip slide along the extremely sensitive healing skin. The sensation made her gasp in surprise flooding her with warmth. She watched as his blue eyes darkened while they followed the path his finger was making.
Impulsively she reached up and grabbed his head pulling him down to her lips. She felt his surprise at the contact. Her lips covered his, gentle searching for his response. Startled he groaned. It was all the response she needed and ran her tongue over his lips. He parted them for her and she slipped inside his mouth meeting his tongue and dueling with it.
The surprise he felt as Buffy kissed him let him lose control. He felt himself sink into it the kiss all other thoughts pushed to the back of his mind. Her hands were now running up and down his back encouraging him to move closer. He felt his own hands start to respond as they traveled up over her shirt cupping her breasts. She arched her back in response to his touch. He heard her moan deep in her throat the sound penetrating the haze in his mind. The little voice that had been pushed to that darkened corner started protesting loudly. He had promised that he wasn't going to do this. There was no way he was going to let them settle into old dangerous patterns.
Reluctantly he tore his lips away from hers and stood up.
Buffy blinked in surprise. This was not a reaction she was familiar with. She watched him as he ran a hand through his hair and heard him take a deep breath.
"Spike?"
"Give us a minute pet."
She stared at him and saw the look of sadness in his eyes. Buffy knew of course that vampires didn't age that they remained forever young but that haunted look on his face made him seem older. She considered for a minute why he would have that look now. Running the events of the last two days over in her mind she couldn't find anything that could give her an answer. When that didn't help she let the gates that she kept over the past swing open in her mind. For her the past was over and done with. What had happened between them had been of equal blame. But she also knew that he wouldn't see things that way. She had made the peace with herself over the events of that first year she had been brought back. Just as she knew he couldn't yet make peace with it himself. Inwardly she smiled at herself for being percepto girl. First time for everything she supposed.
"Spike want to talk?" she patted the bed next to her.
He stared back at her head cocked to the side one eyebrow raised in surprise. In her eyes he saw the openness and care that he heard in her voice. He didn't know if he could do this. The past was something he just wanted to stay buried but he didn't want a repeat performance. That didn't mean they needed to talk about it, it just meant that he needed to not do what had been done before.
"Not really."
She tisked at him. "Come on. Talking is so much of the good."
"Buffy-"
"Nope were gonna have a nice little chat." She sat up and put her hands on her hips. "I'm not taking no for an answer." she used her best slayer voice.
He just continued to stare dumbfounded by her tone. They had never been like this. She had never really wanted to hear what his thoughts were on anything. Had never pushed him into revealing anything except for once but she had closed herself off from that conversation then too.
She read the confusion in his eyes. Of course it wasn't that hard to see. They were going into unfamiliar territory but she would be damned if they let themselves build the walls back up between them.
"Okay I'll start then. So why the pulling away?"
"I really don't want to do this." She could hear his tone changing. The open acceptance they had started with as they woke up was fading and she could almost hear the doors swinging closed on his emotions.
"Got that but really not seeing so much of a choice here.” She waved her hand in the air gesturing towards him. "So maybe I'll tell you what I think and you tell me how close I am."
" 'S not a game pet." the endearment was clipped and short. She knew she was pushing now. Thinking carefully she decided it needed to be done. It was time to drag the very unpretty past out and let it evaporate in the sun.
"Not saying it is. Spike there are things we need to talk about. I told you that I don't want to have any regrets. Not just about the future but about the past too."
"The past is over."
"See thinking like that so not helping."
"It's over and done with. We can't change anything about it."
"See that's where you're wrong. If we don't do this it will be there underlying anything we do. We can't begin to build a future when we can't move forward from the past." If possible his eyebrow went higher. "Look Spike I dealt with my past I know in my heart that I've made peace with it. I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't." She heard him snort. "You want to do this the hard way don't you?"
"I don't want to do this at all."
"I got that memo. This isn't about what we want or don't want. Now let me tell you something. I love you. I don't know if you still have a hard time believing it but I do. And I am never going to let that go. So if it means I have to get you angry to open up to me I'm willing to live with that. But I will not let you close me out."
"Me. Close you out. Are you daft?"
"Yeah I know. But that was then and this is so now. So are you gonna talk or what."
"I told you-"
"And I told you. Fine we'll do this the hard way. I think you thought we were making a mistake like we did when I came back. Easy to see why me all clingy and needy last night. I get that. But that's so not what is going on here now."
"And what is going on here?"
"I'm thinking that should be obvious." She smiled. "You know your still a dope."
"I'm a dope,” he echoed as he sank onto the bed sitting facing away from her.
"Yes. Very much so. You really think I'm ever going to go back to the way I was using the two of us the way I did then?"
"I don't know what to think Buffy." And he didn't.
"Let me tell you what I think then. I love you. Yes I used you then and I hated myself for it. I didn't hate you. I hurt you in anyway that I could so I didn't have to think about myself. I used the feelings I had against myself to lash out at you. And in the end I think it ended up hurting the both of us. But I don't feel that way now."
"So why is this different."
"A dope and a bonehead." She sighed. "It's different because we're different. We've both been through too much to go back to the way things were then. I know exactly what I'm doing here with you now. If you don't then you need to tell me now."
"I don't know." his head was bowed the words careful but quiet.
"Can you tell me why?"
"I don't even know why I'm here now. Let alone here with you."
"I'm not sure why they sent you back either. But I know why your here with me. Cause I want you to be. The only reason you wouldn't be here is if you didn't want to be here." She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Do you not want to be here?" she let her voice drop with the question let the uncertainty in it fill the air around them.
He turned to face her then his blue eyes conflicted.
"I want to be here you know that." He dropped his head again. "But I don't deserve to be here."
This time she snorted in disgust.
"Bullshit."
He brought his head up quickly at the word.
"You deserve more than this. How could you even begin to think that?"
"Buffy what I've done to you the way I've hurt you. I don't deserve anything but a long slow torment in hell and they pulled me back from there."
"So you want to have a pity party? We hurt each other Spike. In fact I did more than my fair share of hurting you. I pushed you into hurting me. I know that now. No it doesn't make what happened right and no I don't think I deserved it. But you weren't the only one in that room. I goaded you on and in fact I was surprised that you didn't just hit me. You still were trying to show me you loved me. You just went to far."
"How could you even think that?"
"Because it's true and I let myself see the truth." She placed a hand over his. "This isn't something I just figured out you know. I dealt with this right after you left. Well after the thing with Willow. But I had that whole summer to think and to deal."
"You never said."
"No and I suppose the old me would have just let it stay quiet. But that's not me anymore just like you aren't the same person that was there. I saw the change in you Spike. I was there remember?"
"You saw what you wanted to. It's still me Buffy." He rubbed his eyes. "I'm still capable of making the same mistakes the same wrong calls."
"Yes but so is everyone else. That doesn't make you a monster. It makes you a man."
"But I am a monster and I'll always be one." he put on his game face to make his point.
She touched his cheek. "No you control the monster now. I know how much damage I inflicted. Please don't tell me I didn't. All of us spent years telling you that you couldn't feel that you were an evil soulless thing. We were wrong."
"No you weren't." he said as his human features slid into place.
She slammed her hand into the mattress. "Yes we were! We're all alive because of you. Things you did for us before you got your soul. The person inside of you has always been stronger than the demon." She took a deep breath. "Do you know why we always said those things? It's because if you could be like this without a soul, without being human what the hell was wrong with us? It was frightening to us. It scared the shit out of me. That year made me hate myself because I still had a soul and I did those things to you. So what kind of monster did that make me?"
"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" He yelled. "You were hurting and you didn't know how to deal with it."
"And so were you. So I'll ask you again. Do you want to be here?"
He looked at her. She wasn't fighting fair. She was using all of his words and twisting them. Why was she being like this? Why would she want for him to confront this?
"Buffy-"
"Dammit Spike. What is it going to take?" she paused for a second thinking. "I forgive you." she blurted it out not taking the time to adjust to the words.
"Huh?"
"I forgive you Spike. For everything that happened before. The pain the hurt and yes even for trying to rape me. I forgive you."
"Don't you can't-"
"Can't what forgive you for what happened to me. Well I do. I'm not going to take part in your self-torment. I love you and I forgive you."
Tears were streaming down his face now.
"Don't do this love."
"I already have. I won't let this eat away at you any longer. Not because of me. You have to come to terms with it on your own." She pulled him into her arms. "I love you." she held him tighter running her hands over his back in a soothing way.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks again for the reviews. I can't tell you all how much it all means to me. I may step up my postings this weekend so it will be a little easier to catch up. I'm going away starting the 18th and I don't want to leave when I have the material completed already so I'll make sure it's available to you. thanks again to everyone for their kind words and support.